I agree. I think each of us has to find a way that works for us individually. Wouldn't it be great if there was a secret incantation that we could say over and over to make all of this pain and loneliness go away. I guess me finding this site was a way - at least- connecting with those that really know what I am facing every day. Today is worse than Christmas. Our granddaughter will turn 17 today. My daughter is a single mom and my husband has been like a dad to her her whole life. She had already asked him to walk her down the aisle if she got married. She wrote him a note in the last few days - while he was in the hospital - telling him she wasn't his grandpa he was her dad and her hero. My heart is breaking for her today. He was her world. He cried because he knew he would be letting her down - and all of us - but he also told me - buck up Carolyn these are the cards we were dealt. I think I have survived this long only because I would never do anything to let him down. I want him to still be as proud of me as he always was so I keep reminding myself that when I start to fall apart. Like now. You had the same magical love with your wife - and you know she wouldn't want you to be suffering - it would make her so sad. So for now I guess we just play mind games with ourselves to get through the day. We don't want to let them down. They are sad enough knowing they left us - and knowing it would break our hearts. Try to be strong for her.

I lost my husband Dec 10th, 2016...so I'm pretty much in the same boat...just this morning, I've been roaming the house, crying, singing old Bonnie raitt...love has no pride, when I call out your name....I don't believe that love ends because someone has died. I think you can still tell your wife that you love her. These days are hard, but you are not alone.

Wow.. Reading every single posting has such powerful commonality of love and loss we each share openly here.. Every word resonates so deeply with me...

Tomorrow would have been her birthday so having plenty of mixed and confusing thoughts today. Our original wedding rings have not fit us in years so in November all she wanted was our original wedding sets re-sized and on our last trip to the hospital for treatment I came home a different way and stopped and picked up our newly sized old wedding sets. We went home and I gave her mine and took hers and placed it on her hand and kissed it and her. She did the same for my ring. She did not want to buried in her original so once she passed I removed the original and during the services placed the second set on her hand as we would like our daughter to eventually get our original rings. She has been gone just under a month now and the pain is the same but more depressed and cannot seem to get anything done. Tomorrow on her birthday, I plan on taking off my wedding band and placing it together with hers side by side in her jewelry box. I think I will take some roses to her resting place but will bring all but one of them back home to enjoy them so they do not get thrown away by some groundskeeper doing his job.
I wish she had left me some kind of instructions on what to do when she was gone.
~Don

I definitely feel you, I miss my other half so much it's not even funny....that's whow he calledwas his better half...oh how I miss him...stay strong for hopefully one day this too shall pass..
.

Today would have been your 53rd birthday my love. It has been less than a month since you were taken from me and I struggle every second alone in this world without you. I looked so forward every year to find you that special little gift, not the clothes, shoes or the trivial items but the special crystal slippers and vases, unique engraved silver coins or bars and other items that would last a lifetime and not fade away or become useless. The cherry wood display cases I bought you for your last birthday for your "I love Lucy" collection are now put together (remember, the deal was if I bought them, you had to put them together). Well, you got one about a quarter of one built but I finished them both and now display all our special gifts of love in them. This year, I have no special gift for you other than to tell you that my love for you did not die with you. It is still here, it is still strong and and you will always be my one and only true love and soulmate.

I know exactly how you feel. I was married 54 years to my soulmate and I lost him in May 2016.
The loneliness is so hard to deal with. I find talking to him and God helps alot. I also go to grief share.
I started doing volunteer work at my church. I know things are tough and I am so sorry for your loss.
Try and remember the good memories and it also helps to keep a journal.

I'm so sorry for your loss. The day will be difficult but it's good that you have a plan. I find that has helped me get through the tough days. I still wear my wedding and engagement ring as well as my husband's. After 15 months I still can't bear to take them off. Certain things never seem to be spoken of with our loved ones when they are alive. I'm sure whatever you do would be fine with your wife as you obviously loved her very much and in the end that's all that matters. You never lose the love. Hang in there and I wish you peace. Marybeth

One moment, one hour, one day at a time. That's all we can do. Just get through it. You will get there.

I too put our wedding rings together in a little wooden pill box. Mine hasn't fit for a long time and Tom - through those 44 years - has never taken his off. When he had to go for his PET Scan I cried. It was the first time he had ever taken it off. I keep them with me - in my purse. They go where I go. On our 40th wedding anniversary he gave me the most beautiful diamond wedding ring - and in 2015 on a cruise down the Seine - as we passed the Eiffel Tower he asked me to marry him again. So many beautiful memories make it so hard each day. He passed so quickly after his diagnosis. He had just turned 66 and was NEVER sick. We had so many adventures planned. I am looking at a note he left me one day when he went to work - it says - I love you and miss you every second I'm away from you. I try and tell myself that he is hurting as much as me - and I need to try and stay strong because I can't bear the thought that I am making him sad with the pain I know he knows I'm in. I love you dear - for all the forevers!

I feel exactly the same as you do- I lost my husband of 32 years on Jan 1 2017.

I'm so sorry for your loss and if it eases any pain, I feel exactly how u do. Your pain and how you would switch places with your wife in a heartbeat is exactly how I feel. You are not alone. I lost my husband of 31 years young to stage 4 lung cancer. Never smoked or any family history, we met young and were married for 9 years. He is all I know and all I want to ever know. Seeing the person u love most in the world suffer and die in front of you and u can't do anything is the worst feeling in the world. I don't mean to share my horrible truth to outlook your loss, you are grieving and earned the right too. I'm sorry I can't tell u it's going to get easier because I haven't felt that yet either but what I can tell u is u are not alone. And maybe some strength even as small as it might be, hope u find some strength in that

I found lots of new photos and old anniversary, birthday and just random out-of-the blue cards that my wife Geraldine gave me. It was a horrible cry seeing the beautiful words she wrote me over the years. Especially the ones that states she could not live without out me which was on nearly every single card and note that she ever wrote.
I am struggling with why do I still want to be here when half of me is already gone.

Hey J....I was a bit hesitant to write after all of the heartfelt comments but your last post just struck me so here I am....you're starting to come into all of the "firsts". From going through the first holidays to birthdays, anniversaries and even days like finding those cards down to even a forgotten handwritten grocery list that will knock you off of your feet....they're all there waiting and will hit you like a ton of bricks. Some more than others, but it's something we all must go through. You can't avoid it and you will learn to live with it.
You know....maybe she really couldn't live without you and that's why you're still here going at this alone. The heavens above knew that and spared her the pain of losing you first. You've mentioned that you would have traded places with her in a second to spare her her death. Did you ever think that by her passing first that she was spared the pain of your death and living the life that you are now? You were chosen for this path for a reason dear sir...you are strong enough to walk it and endure it. I know half of you is gone and we may never know why but it's now the life you must lead.

You say that you are struggling with why you still want to be here when half of you is gone. No one can answer that...but you are here and functioning. Something deep inside is keeping you going. I know in these early days you feel like you can barely crawl but eventually with time you will get to your knees again and eventually stand alone and begin to walk. You are down but not out. You have a deep inner strength that you will come to know and perhaps even surprise yourself with.
Now is the time however to lay low, take in what's happened to you, reminisce, cry, vent....even hate, but eventually learn to love yourself in a different individual way that you've never known before.

Earlier you said, "Lots of people tell their stories here but not much advice on how to actually make it from second to second, minute to minute, hour to hour."
Well I'm here to tell you that you answered your own question. That's how you make it...you live each day second to second, minute to minute, hour to hour...days turn into weeks, weeks turn into months and before you know it, the years start to add up. It's just called living. You do the best that you can to get through each day. At night when you lay your head on your pillow, you can be proud of yourself because you made it through another one. At first, before I fell asleep, I tried to think of one good thing each day to be thankful for. I know even in the depths of sadness, you can find one thing even if it's the paperboy throwing the paper on the porch and missing the bushes! Start small but always look for the light.

You're love sounds like she was a beautiful, strong and courageous woman loved by many. She wouldn't want her death to define the rest of your life. Eventually, try to live in the light of her love and live life as if she were watching it through your eyes. Let her enjoy what you enjoy! She'll always be with you and always have that special place in your heart.
My heart truly breaks for you and all of the new people here. I just want you to know that I feel your pain and have lived it too, but life does go on. How yours goes on however is up to you. You are the captain of your ship. You lost your first mate but you're still at the helm....maybe hanging on for dear life at this point but just hold on....you can do this....you really can....
Warm hugs to you and wishes for strength, courage and peace.
Darcie

Darcie, your post truly lifted me. Thank you so much. K x