I to have and am still walking your walk brother. I'm so sorry for that. It's been over 4 years since I lost my wife and I still have some days as you are experiencing now. I understand. I describe it as a roller coaster. I'll send you a friend request if you would like to talk more. My profile is open in either case, if you want to understand what I have experienced.

Take care of yourself, you have found a good place to be here, they all get it.

Jeff

I'm sorry for your loss. When my husband was alive, going through pain/vomiting/nausea, I told him one day, "I'm going to miss you." But I had to tell him that we don't know when we are going to pass. Next day or so, he called my name and said, "I'm going to miss you too." Then I replied: "No you won't. You'll be so busy being with your loved ones there in heaven." I don't know if they ever remember anything about their lives on earth. I want to believe they do.

http://obits.dignitymemorial.com/dignity-memorial/obituary.aspx?n=Geraldine-Willard&lc=9791&pid=183034448&uuid=11159177-31ba-441a-86f1-2e8372814a67

It is a pain like no other. It will. be a year since my husband's death soon. I am healing but feel very lonely. It is a whole new way of life but I am getting by one day at a time. Life needs to go on and we have been left here for a reason. Just hang in there.

I am so very sorry for your loss. I to lost my husband of 33 years October. I live second by second, that's all you can do as well. Sleep when you can, eat even if it is small, drink lots of water. Cry when you want to cry, this will help for a while. I cry a lot. You are not alone everyone here will help you as we help each other. Write on this site when you want we are here for you. God bless you and hugs to you
Dianna

JWill, first let me say that I am sorry for your agony...Marylou and I were together 31 years, married 28...her Spirit Birthday was June 12, 2015...many who know me here, know that Marylou and I do not believe in "death", or the implied finality of the concept; I refuse to use that word in regard to Marylou, so I am not really sure about "loss", either...but agony, it certainly is.
Otherwise, I very much identify with each of the feelings you cited...in particular, the one about wishing, praying, and hoping it is all just a nightmare that I could wake up from, and be with Marylou like it was before...but, the nightmare is waking up.
I am not happy about the need for DS, or that anyone has a reason to be here at all...that aside, I am glad you are with us here...you will find that this is one of the very few places you can go where people actually understand what you are going through, because they have all been through it...and, you will find that people who have NOT been through it themselves, have no way of understanding it...know that it is not their fault, it's just the way it is.
When Marylou and I were married in 1988, we both held a small candle to the wick of a single large candle together, symbolic of the two of us becoming one...34 years of marriage, I know you know what I mean.
We may lose a parent, or an aunt or uncle or grandparent or beloved friend, and after a relatively short period of intense grief, we go back to our lives and resume doing whatever we were doing before (please excuse my use of the word "lose", for lack of a better description)...but when you lose your spouse, it is most definitely different...in the span of a single heartbeat, you have not only become half of yourself, you have become someone you have never met.
It took me at least 6 months to come around to that...before Marylou's Spirit Birthday, my life had meaning and purpose, I had a good reason for everything I did, and that reason was waiting for me at home, always at the other end of the phone, always there for me.
When I woke up on June 12, 2015, I had reason to believe that one day she would be back home with me...but when I (tried to) go to bed that night, I knew she never would.
And anyone who thinks that don't change you permanently, is someone who has never experienced it.
What reason do we have for going back to work, or watching TV, or going to the grocery store, or celebrating Christmas...or doing just about any damn thing?
I consider myself lucky, that neither of us believe in what "civilized" society calls "death"...the notion that for all of eternity I would never see her again, is patently unacceptable...all of us were Spirit before we came into this life, all through this life, and when we separate from our earthly bodies, we are Spirit for eternity.
The Shinto culture of Japan recognize the Torii Gate as "The threshold that separates the mundane from the sublime"...conceptually translated, the Torii is the threshold that separates this life from the Afterlife...there are Torii monuments all over Japan by which they memorialize their Departed... Google it if you have never seen one, they look something like the one hanging on my living room wall with Marylou's picture between the uprights, to remind me that she waits for me beyond the Torii.
Try to replace your sorrow and despair, with the belief that one day you will be rejoined with her beyond the Torii...you and you alone decides what you believe...but in the meantime, know that she watches over you, and prays that you will find meaning and happiness in your life...just like on earth, your happiness is also her happiness.
Tomorrow, New Year's Eve, my daughter is fixing a big family dinner of our traditional pork and sauerkraut, the way she learned from Marylou...who learned from my mother.
They have not "gone" anywhere...they are right here with us.
We are not humans having a Spiritual experience...we are Spirits having a human experience.

I am happy to see you have had so many responses. You can see you are not alone. It is horrible. I feel your pain. I lost my husband of 30 years very suddenly in September. Everyday I want to go back and re-do. I have so much guilt. I am lonely and scared. I feel like I don't know what to do? I have found by distracting myself with other stuff helps. I can pretend that my life is normal if I am busy. Please know that you have support. Please message anytime. Jeanne

I have a somewhat similar situation. I just lost my mother a month ago. She was my best friend. I was her caregiver for the past 10 years 24/7. My life was taking care of her so I had no friends other than her. I do the same as you. I wonder around the house puttering. I Don 't know what to do with myself. I think we just have to get used to b them nit being there. I guess with time it c will, but it's not easy. I try and take it a little at a time 5 mintestinal at a time sometime

My husband was diagonsed with esophageal cancer on June 24, 2016 and passed away on July 30th. He was my best friend and the love of my life for 44 years. I was surfing the web and found this website this morning. The words you posted are exactly what I am feeling every single minute of every day. I feel alone even when I am with our grown children and our 2 grandchildren. I find it every hard to deal with "I" instead of "We". I asked to please let me trade places with him. He asked me if I would rather have him standing next to the bed and be looking at me - I said yes, please. In less than 3 months I sold our home in Florida (no family there) bought and closed on a home near our children and moved. Christmas is my most favorite time of the year and I made myself put up all of our decorations - it would have made him very sad if I didn't. I just couldn't bear wrapping gifts - for 44 years he wrapped and I tagged and bowed. I couldn't bear writing Love, Mom and the tags - so I did what was best for me and signed everything Love Mom and Dad. I decided that just because he wasn't physically here the gifts would still be from both of us. I may have to do this forever - at least that's how I feel now. It was very helpful to read these postings because it's very hard for anyone who hasn't been in such a magical relationship to realize the intense pain that I feel every day. Sometimes I think my heart will truly break - and most times I wish it would. I'm still doing paperwork and it seems like someone asking for a death certificate will never end. I want a hug and a kiss and a snuggle so badly that the road ahead seems unbearable. Thank you so much for posting the exact feelings I am sharing with you. I'm hoping finding this site will keep me from feeling so terribly alone in my pain.

Magical was a good word. Lots of people met her though her job and met me though things I do and would trip out when they learned we were married to each other. They said we were both great people that they liked and respected and we were perfect for each other. They wanted to know our secret to keeping our love for 34 years so fresh and strong. I would start by telling them to listen to Charlie Pride's song, "Kiss an angle good morning" was a good place to start! When we first got married, couples we knew would see us kissing, touching or holding hands on the couch and laugh and say, "Yes, we used to do that when we first got married but just wait". But that never ever ended for us. We truly loved each other and enjoyed just being together. When we first dated I would open her car door for her, she always bent over the seat and open the drivers door for me. That also never ended. We dated about a month and a half before getting married. Her family all thought she was pregnant but that was not the case. We just knew we were in love.

I Spent Christmas, an 8 hours drive away with my daughter her husband and two Grandchildren 7 and 10. It did not help much as I miss my wife so. They did their best to make me feel welcome but I felt out-of-place without my wife. I thought the long drive there and back might help but it did not in the least. Especially turning the radio on in the car had me in tears so I had to turn it off.

New Years, I spent home alone watching TV and was in bed before midnight. My wife's birthday is January 6th so this week I already know it will be a tough one.

So magical is the right word. Glad there are people who truly understand the devastating loss I am feeling. Not just a wife but my best friend and my soulmate.

Many of our friends would tell us we spent too much time together but that is what happens if you truly find your soul mate. We dated for 3 months, got engaged and were married in less than a year. I always said his parents would say - this will never last. He was never sick - he was selfless - and I once told him that I existed because of him. I know that's why it's unbearable now. He always opened my car door - even in the garage. We always held hands. We talked. I miss talking. I don't watch the shows we watched. He may know what's happening on "The Blacklist" but I haven't been able to turn it on or catch up. I tell myself how lucky I have been for 44 years. It doesn't help the lack of a hug, holding a hand, a kiss or someone to keep you warm in bed at night. Again - when I read your list of feelings i couldn't believe it wasn't my list. Wishing you a little moment of piece each day. Carolyn

I am so sorry for your loss, for I lost my husband to cancer as well on September 8 2016. Almost 4 months, and I must say with prayer and family it will get easier, although some days I just melt. No feeling in the world has been more raw and devistating. I pray for you during this very rough time

I caught myself this morning telling her if was her turn to make the bed just as I was starting to wake up. A millisecond later I realized she was not beside me. Every day is the same since she passed in December. I feel not one eight of an eighth of an inch better but growing very lonely and of course the dreaded "depression" is coming into play too.

I am new to this support group as obviously you must be rather new to. My husband passed away Dec. 28, 2016. I can relate to every feeling you shared. I never knew one could experience so many different feelings. You are doing the right thing by reaching out for support. I hope that is the right thing to do as that's what I am attempting to do. It's one day at a time. My husband and I were blessed with 28 great years together.

Lots of people tell their stories here but not much advice on how to actually make it from second to second, minute to minute, hour to hour.