Good morning Shelda. For me, and this didn't happen until I took a very long time looking deep inside myself until I could honestly say, I love myself and I like who I have become. Took a number of changes, but those changes are due more to my wake up call after she died, and just the natural progression of myself. Call it growth. Call it personal development. Call it dealing with my sh*t. I've changed for the better, and figuring out the why when I react with emotions has been helpful in my progression. So once that process was completed, I then shifted my question to myself to be not who I wanted, but what I wanted. This is now my life. I own it. I really don't have to consider anyone else wants or needs. Having no one sucks on many levels, but I certainly have a freedom now that I never had before. I truly enjoy my alone time. And I've got a friend that visits everyday, I love her, and she loves me, but only in that best of friends forever mode. And I'm good with that. I'm learning to just let nature take its course. I just want happiness, and for that, we find it in ourselves. Seems once I stopped trying to force a new life on myself, then my new life began unfolding before my very eyes. I like to call it the escalator of God, kinda like those flat escalators that move you past all the walking people dragging their luggage. I've still got a little baggage to shed, and I know I'm a work in progress, but I'm just a whole lot better person today. I depended on my good marriage and my wonderful wife Juanita for my happiness. That was part of the devastation I suffered. So, my new life is just unfolding before me. And a big part of that is protecting my alone time so I can continue to stay centered, trying to figure out what is really going on with me, and making necessary changes in myself as I identify things about myself I don't particularly care for and make the necessary changes. As for the pain, I would gladly go through the pain and devastation a second time around, if and when I have true love with another woman. Not just love, but that spirit to spirit connection. Seems love on that level frightens some, but only because they have no clue what real love is all about. I didn't either, so I am ever patient not only with them but also myself. Have a wonderful day my friend. Scottie

I lost my husband in March of this year and I'm going through all the feelings and changes you are describing. Since we were together since I was 18, this has been such a change for me. I've never lived on my own and made my own decisions and now I'm forced to do so. I think I'm doing an okay job...it's been hard but there isn't anything that will change it.

Shelda, I wish I could say that I am happy with the "new" me, but I am yet to be comfortable and like this life that I did not choose. I am wondering if that will ever happen. I have lost not only my husband but all my siblings and their spouses. I feel so lost, at times, and am still trying to figure out my purpose. Why am I not gone, too? I keep thinking that God must have a reason or a purpose for me, but I am still searching. Roxanne

my husband died 3 months ago today, I too have never been alone before, it is a hard way to go making my own choices and decisions...I still haven't decided to go back to work. its fine for now...it is nice to have a freedom I've never felt before to watch what I want on tv and not have to complain about channel hopping.