Widows & Widowers Support Group
This community is dedicated to those who have lost a husband, wife, or partner. Anything is open for discussion here, with the hope that we can focus on grief, bereavement, life after loss, and continuing on after a great loss.
Hi,
As someone new to this group I am hoping to get some advice. My husband died suddenly in April of 2013 at the age of 54 (I was 49). He was a dedicated family man, amazing husband, father, brother, son and friend...loved and respected by everyone.
It was a privilege for me to be able to stay at home for the past two decades, raise our three children (now 26, 24 and 18 years old) together with my husband and take care of our family's daily needs, something I am still able to do. I have been a devoted wife, mother, daughter and sister to my family and my in laws.
In 2014 (after 9 months) I met someone that I truly enjoy spending time with. He has similar values, is very dedicated to his own family and has had the utmost respect for my situation and the boundaries I have had in place. My kids are supportive and see that I have found some happiness while I try to move forward (which is very different from moving on) with my life. They know I will never get over or forget their father.
I chose not to share information about this new relationship with my mother in law...partially because I knew she would be critical/judgmental and partially because I didn't think she would be able to emotionally handle it. She is 79 and understandably has had more grief than one should bear. I continued to be involved with the family but to a lesser degree over the past months. How does one tell their deceased husband's family that she has found someone new that she is spending time with?
Recently my in laws learned of my new relationship and I wasn't prepared for their reaction. They are now questioning my love for my deceased husband and have cut most communication with me. I wonder if this is something that would have inevitably happened... My mother in law has voiced her disapproval to my eldest son, even criticizing the funeral arrangements we had all planned together because there was no formal receiving line and not everyone knew who she was. It was my children's request that we did not have a receiving line and I respected that. It was a very large funeral tribute planned with class and respect. It was a beautiful celebration planned at a time when we were all devastated. I cannot tell you how deeply this particular criticism hurts when I honestly would not change a thing about that day aside from the reason for it.
It is very difficult to understand how I can lose my husband and then later the people I considered family for the past 30 years because I am trying to find some happiness in my life.
Thank you for any guidance or wisdom you can provide.
As someone new to this group I am hoping to get some advice. My husband died suddenly in April of 2013 at the age of 54 (I was 49). He was a dedicated family man, amazing husband, father, brother, son and friend...loved and respected by everyone.
It was a privilege for me to be able to stay at home for the past two decades, raise our three children (now 26, 24 and 18 years old) together with my husband and take care of our family's daily needs, something I am still able to do. I have been a devoted wife, mother, daughter and sister to my family and my in laws.
In 2014 (after 9 months) I met someone that I truly enjoy spending time with. He has similar values, is very dedicated to his own family and has had the utmost respect for my situation and the boundaries I have had in place. My kids are supportive and see that I have found some happiness while I try to move forward (which is very different from moving on) with my life. They know I will never get over or forget their father.
I chose not to share information about this new relationship with my mother in law...partially because I knew she would be critical/judgmental and partially because I didn't think she would be able to emotionally handle it. She is 79 and understandably has had more grief than one should bear. I continued to be involved with the family but to a lesser degree over the past months. How does one tell their deceased husband's family that she has found someone new that she is spending time with?
Recently my in laws learned of my new relationship and I wasn't prepared for their reaction. They are now questioning my love for my deceased husband and have cut most communication with me. I wonder if this is something that would have inevitably happened... My mother in law has voiced her disapproval to my eldest son, even criticizing the funeral arrangements we had all planned together because there was no formal receiving line and not everyone knew who she was. It was my children's request that we did not have a receiving line and I respected that. It was a very large funeral tribute planned with class and respect. It was a beautiful celebration planned at a time when we were all devastated. I cannot tell you how deeply this particular criticism hurts when I honestly would not change a thing about that day aside from the reason for it.
It is very difficult to understand how I can lose my husband and then later the people I considered family for the past 30 years because I am trying to find some happiness in my life.
Thank you for any guidance or wisdom you can provide.
My feelings are this, If this new man in your life makes you happy, supports you, shows compassion for the loss of your late husband and your children are ok with him being in your life then I wouldn't care less what anyone else thinks. You have to do what makes you happy and feel better, you have been through one of the worst kinds of loss and you have fought your way to get to this sense of happiness, it is your right to be happy again.
Laurie
It's funny everytime I go to MN to visit my in-laws my mother in-law brings up all the people so knows that have moved on and how I should move on. I just wonder how they would actually respond.
On one hand they keep reminding me that he is gone and it's time to move on. But he is there Son. We were married for 36 years you would think it would be obvious we were very much in love.
Just like Laurie stated, it is your life, live it as makes you happy.
Hugs, Sandi
Russ
Maggie
You have to live your life as it suits you. Unfortunately there will be judgement that comes along with that. I wish it weren't true but it is. I'm glad you have found happiness, I wish the same for all of us.
Your dating may just be an excuse to cut you out of their lives because there was already a negative attitude toward you. I would not worry about it at all and just live your life. You are doing, and have done, nothing wrong.
Melissa
I'm very lucky in that I'm still working and am kept very busy. I have a Service Dog, Horton, who is by my side 24/7 and we're dealing with the mundane day to day stuff.
I wonder, if and when that day comes what I'll do with another man's friendship. I'm warm, not too bad looking and will engage in conversation with men but I tend to walk away if I find it getting to familiar. I'm still in love with Morey and find our memories to be fulfilling for me, right now.
This is YOUR life. And, even if you were living in their home, you're an adult and must make your own decision and everyone will have to live with it.
Your son should not be spreading rumors and you should not be encouraging it!
Once your family [including your late husbands] realize that you will not be intimidated by any of them, I promise ALL OF THEM will back off and accept and respect your decision making.
I wish you peace and love,
Roz
As far as my in-laws, we were estranged from my SIL, and I got tired of trying to stay in contact with my BIL - I basically heard nothing from him after the funeral. Cliff and I had been together for 30 years, and suddenly that part of the family was gone. Pretty astonishing, and sadly it is not at all unusual based on everything I have heard here in this group the last 7 years.
Your in-laws' issues are their problem, not yours. And as I have mentioned on another thread, the funeral and final arrangements were up to you and really no one else. Technically not even the kids unless you were no longer living. You vowed to love and cherish each other to the end, and you did that. You did not vow to bend to every whim of his mother's. It doesn't work that way. Yes, I have compassion for her because she lost a child, and that is the other worst thing that one can endure. But it doesn't change the fact that you were his wife - he chose you to spend his life with and to trust with these major decisions.
I hope your in-laws get over whatever their objections are, and get to the point of recognizing that while your husband died that you did not and that you must go on living. You have a right to live as fully and happily as you can as that honors the lessons from your life with your husband. If your loss destroyed you, how would that honor him? It wouldn't. I hope you don't have to permanently give up the connection to them, but you may have to. Unfortunately, it does happen.
Only you can live your life. Wishing you better days....
Love and Hugs,
Martha
I was at her house for two hours. It did not go well.
Although you may disagree, I felt I needed to apologize for not being up front in telling her that I had been spending time with someone new. I was exploring how to get something back into my life the best way I could, however, it was news she needed to hear from me regardless of how uncomfortable it was to discuss.
I was poised and respectful while being berated about not waiting long enough before dating another man. I was told that I disrespected my husband and that I couldn't have the decency nor think enough of him to wait at least a year...that it looked really bad on me. I did try to explain that I am trying to find my way and that I still do love him...that trying to find some happiness has nothing to do with my depth of feeling or grief for the loss we have suffered.
She even asked me if I was ever happy with her son, my husband...
Life seems to be full of setbacks... I am absolutely destroyed...