Glenn, my sincere condolences on your loss.
53 days is rather a very recent loss; you are in acute bereavement stage.
The shock sometimes acts as a buffer, later the shock subsides and the realization creates another turmoil.
I also felt very desperate, and wanted some relief from the agony, and the best I could come up with was an escape from the pain. Later working with the bereavement therapist, and also in a grieving group, I finally began acknowledging the grief and was encouraged to express it any chance I get. So expressing pain, your thoughts and all the emotions that come with the grieving is the key for getting though it, healing.
Keep on expressing what is on your mind and in your heart - this is the road to recovery.
hug

So sorry.... we all have felt the way you are feeling. It will get worse before it gets any better. Its alright to cry....It is normal for us to cry 15 times a day. Its our new normal. Its been just over a year for me, my eyes leak when I am talking to someone, not realizing it.

Come here often, someone is usually here, go ahead and pour your heart out, we can take it, we are survivors.

Again, Sorry, you are in my prayers. Sandee

Glenn,
I am so sorry for your lose, the lose of your wife. You have every right to cry and to cry as many times a day as is necessary, that is how you will begin the hard journey of moving through it. tears are like a release of sorts and they are there to help. You are in a raw state of grief right now and it will smack you at anytime, anywhere and you should like it happen, no one else will understand what you are going through unless they have themselves lost a spouse, Life partner, we all are on the same journey but our paths will all be slightly different as everyone is different. DS has helped me get through some very hard times and the people here are so supportive and generous with their hearts and support and understanding. You can vent, anger, sadness, confusion, whatever and they are here for you to support you, help you through and to listen. you may be experiencing anxiety, I have it and many others here have also, you should see your doctor and talk to him/her about your loss and what you are feeling, support groups may be beneficial to you also. it is a very hard fight we all must go through and one minute you feel ok the next you are broken again, these waves will come and go as time goes and may become further apart. as time goes on you will find ways to handle it a bit better, your loss will never go away but you will find ways to deal with it, so yes I would say it does get (better) I lost my Husband Nov. 10th 2013 and I thought I would never be where I am at today, but time does help and I never believed that either when I was told. But it does, different for everyone though.
Peace and love to you
Laurie

Glenn, sorry for the loss of your wife. First of all know that it is alright to cry. It helps relieve the pain and helps to heal your heart. Our lives are forever changed and all you can do is take baby steps along the way. Wish you well and DS is here to help.

Hello, Glenn ...

Please accept my sincere condolences on the passing of your wife. I think Laurie summed it up best when she said "one minute you feel ok, the next you are broken again, these waves will come and go."

And please know that even though we all share some similarities, each person's grief is unique. Please check in here often. The door is always open and there are people who will help you on this difficult journey.

This Saturday marks 6 months since I lost the light of my life, and although I am by no means in great emotional shape, I credit the progress I've made so far to the caring support I've received here on DS.

I have also located a chapter of Grief Share that meets only a few miles from where I live. It's a support group. You might be able to locate a group near you by checking their website at griefshare.org.

Wishing you peace ...

Glenn,

I am so sorry you lost Leane. I would like to take your questions/comments in reverse order.

1st of all, I don't care how old (or young) you are. You lost the most important person in your life. Cry all you want or need. Tears are cleansing in many ways.

2nd, breathe! I understand how you feel. I, too, would not be the woman I am had it not been for Mark. Our spouses are/were our backbones, our cheerleaders, our inspiration. They still can be, if we let them. It is just DIFFERENT now.

3rd....getting through it. Yes, you can. But it takes time. Even though I knew Mark was dying, I was not totally prepared for life without him. But, I have children and grandchildren who depend on me. I have bills to pay. And I have a life to live, because I promised Mark that I would.

And lastly, even after almost a year ( Mark died last April), sometimes it seems like just yesterday. But the pain does ease. And tears become less bitter. And the memories more precious.

You have come to a good place. Visit often, it really does help to know you are not alone.


{{{{{{HUGS}}}}}}
Mary

Glenn, I am so sorry for your loss and the agony you are in. I remember thinking that the people who said it would get better were either lying, or possibly just not deep enough to understand how much I had lost and how much pain I was actually in. ( Cuzz you know, I loved him more than the others loved theirs. ;-) )
I just wanted to wake up from this nightmare and when I realized I wasn't going to, I just wanted to be with my husband because I couldn't cope without him. I wanted a shortcut through the misery so sometimes I pretended I was OK and sometimes I distracted myself from the grief and that didn't exactly help but it got me by. It figures I would even find a way to procrastinate grieving.
I was interested in feeling better only if it required no effort on my part and just showed up gift wrapped on my doorstep. The only thing it turned out I had to do was breathe, just go from moment to moment, and talk to people here who all understood and are actually deep and wise and compassionate and generous.
And now it's almost 9 months later and I feel somewhat better. I would say a lot better, but I said that yesterday and ended up crying myself to sleep. It's happened so many times in fact, when I have proclaimed I was doing better, only to be knocked on my ass again, that I am superstitious about it. Still the lows are less low, I get back up a bit quicker after each blow, and I know I am going to be OK, truly OK some day soon. I still get a hitch in my chest when I think about him, when I see things I wish he was here to share, and every time I return to our home after dark. I will never stop loving him, never stop wanting him, and never think this was a good plan.
But I will go forth with all I have learned and create a new life that I feel excited about. For months I was doing well just to get through the day, hated and dreaded the nights, but now I want to live rather than merely exist. Everyone here really gets it, and there isn't anything you could share that we won't understand. I am sorry you had to join us, but honestly the compassion and companionship on this trail of tears will help you more than you expect. And crying is good, and necessary. Just drink lots of water to re hydrate and hang in there. It will get better. ((()))

Glenn,

I am so very sorry that Leane was taken from you! We've all given our sincerest condolences to our friends and relatives when they lost their life partner, in the past, but we now know, although well-intended, just how hollow those offerings were. Half of us is gone and our life is now like some puzzle that was tossed into the air and we're scrambling around trying to find all the pieces. How come no one told us how horrifically painful this grief thing is?

If you're crying 15 times a day, it's normal. If you pray, plead or beg to die - it's normal. (Note: If you feel suicidal, however, you need to get counseling immediately - because, that's NOT normal.) If you can't eat, sleep or even breathe - that's normal. Grieving reverses all the "rules" we live by under otherwise "normal" circumstances.

You are beginning a journey that has taken you into an abyss that is deeper than any human could imagine. We here are all familiar with that black hole and we are each at various distances, as we travel from that pit, into the light of a "new me." But, we do have one thing in our favor: each other. Together we walk, crawl and squirm - holding hands, leaning on shoulders and sharing with sympathetic ears and hearts - as we climb up and out.

I cannot promise you that things will get "better", but I can assure you things will be different, as you find your balance and seek the answer to the always-asked question, "Why am I still here?" How long will it take to put your puzzle pieces back together? No one can tell you that but be aware that you will never find the exact same pieces as the original ones. The pieces have changed to fit the "new you".

One thing that gave me comfort was that I put the following quote beneath a picture of my Darrell, and looked at it often:
... I have only slipped away to the next room.
I am I and you are you.
Whatever we were to each other,
That, we still are...
(from "Death Is Nothing At All" by Henry Scott Holland.

Hugs,

Terry

Glenn I'm very sorry for your loss. It's been 17 months since I lost my wife and although I don't cry as much these days I cryer a lot in the first year. Consider it as your safety valve. You need to cry. You need to grieve. It's human to do so. I have learned a lot from the good folks here. Much more about this subject than I ever thought or wanted. My wife and were married for 40 years and you just can't chuck that aside or put it away. Even reading your post caused me to tear up. You will be on the ragged edge of crying for a while with anything anyone says. Anytime you talk of her. After a while it will get easier. But let me tell you this. You will never "get over" the loss of your wife. Anyone who tells you this has never experienced anything like it. It's someone you will always live with but just suppress and tolerate.

As far as not caring if you die, I felt the same way. I felt my life was over when my wife passed. I have since realized my purpose here has yet to be fulfilled whatever it is, but when ever my end comes I am no longer afraid of going as I know I will be with my wife once more.

Take care, don't beat yourself up but grieve as you must and remember to breathe.

Glenn - as you can tell from the many heartfelt responses to your thread, there are a lot of people on this site who, unfortunately, know exactly how you feel.

I've seen these people post before and believe me, they have been through some stuff ( all of us have ).

As for being a guy at 44 and crying a lot, well, it's going to be ok I can tell you that. I was 43 when my daughter was killed in an auto accident. Dude, the tears were like water works on their own command. Luckily for me I had no problem letting them flow, and I survived. That was 18 years ago.

I believe it's the survival part that is difficult. I remember thinking that I would have to live a long time before I saw her again. But please pay attention to the posts above this one, you need to survive, and their suggestions can help.

Hang in there dude,

Bob

I just wanted to add, this is very normal as how your feeling. We all have been there and some still are. It just takes time, then more time. After 2 1/2 yrs I have finally stopped crying every day. I still hate every minute but I'm getting by.

I am also sorry for your loss and all of our losses here. It will get better but it will be awhile. Some days I am back to square 1 myself. and I don't care either.
Hugs,
JoAnn

Glenn, I'm like you...independent and and stubborn. But also like you I don't care if I live or die. I want to see Michael again.
But also because I'm so stubborn I'm going to make the most of what I have here. I'm only 56 so I kinda figure I'm here for a bit more and if I have to be I'm going to make it work. How? I don't know..one day at a time I guess. Seat of my pants and skin of my teeth is how I'm used to living and so far so good. He's only been gone for less than 3 months so I could have a set back any day...but thats all it is...a set back.
Everyone here is so kind and so loving. Cry if you have to, crab if you must. We're here for you.

I went through those same feelings. And, just a heads up, they may come back again. I went through so many feelings. At first I was super sensitive to other people's losses. Then, if anyone complained about anything that was less than losing their spouse, I got upset. I was easily frustrated and couldn't handle much stress. Slowly, it got better. It took quite awhile to get back to feeling and acting like myself. I always had control over my emotions, and it was hard to deel with not being in control anymore.

It takes time, and patience, and learning to live a different time. None of this is easy, but it will come. You just have to give it time. I

Very sorry for your loss.

lisa

Glenn, my heart felt condolences to you. Your post made me weep a bit.

Whether we are young or old or even older, whether we are male or female, the loss of a life partner, be it expected or not, is a devastating blow. This blow makes us loose, at times, our sanity, our health, our faith, our raison d'tre. You are very raw and probably suffer from shock. Of course you cry 15 times a day, of course you can't breathe and of course you don't care. It is normal.

The people who posted ahead of me have described very well all the emotions we go through, so I will pass on that but I will tell you that you have to go through this gruelling grieving process to eventually achieve a kind of peace.

My husband of 40 years died rapidly and unexpectedly nearly 13 months ago, I had a couple of counselling sessions but it did not work for me, what helped me most was this website where I could pour out all my pain, sorrow, raw grief and everyone understood here what I was going through. I read all the posts, posted often at the beginning and was showered with warmth, understanding and friendliness. 13 month on, I breathe more easily, I have reached some kind of peace and I can honestly say that things are better. I still cry but not every day; I still miss him acutely but I am learning to live alone and find a balance I did not have a year ago.

I wish you strength. Do come here as often as you want, there will always someone to talk to and you will find understanding you may not encounter with people who have not gone through similar experience.

We all have been the newbie here at one time, and many have started out on DS, like myself, not knowing where to turn. I found comfort in reading these posts and immediately thought to myself "self, here are others going through the same thing I am." Don't feel like the Lone Ranger; you are not. The stories and circumstances are all different, but there is a commonality to all of it that binds us.

In April it will be the one year mark for me since my husband passed. When you've weaved a life together, and the two are as one, when one is taken the world begins to unravel for the other. You become ungrounded for a time. There is no way you could have prepared yourself for it.

Those of us that have a career and supportive family right in their area fare better than those of us who don't. I had to rely strongly on faith, friends. I have distant family, and I keep a connection with them. Grip on to the surest things you can - faith, friends, family, hobbies- and gradually a new world will unfold for you. Whereas everything may not change you may eventually fine-tune what you do have.

Confusion and lack of concentration in the beginning stages of grief are normal. So is anger, and the feeling of nothing having meaning or value anymore. The closer the relationship was, the harder it is to lose them; but that depth of closeness, those beautiful memories, are a gift from God that not everyone will experience.

No, none of the material things mean anything, they never really did. But your partner would want you to go on and live and be happy. She would want you to take care of those material things you both built together. Stick with what is familiar; avoid any major changes for at least a year. That's the usual recommendation, and from experience, it is a good one.

Many will tell you "oh, it just takes time..." It takes more than time, it takes working on it as well. Come here often if you need to. You will find your way also. I am sorry for your loss, and God Bless.