You're not by yourself, Wendy. Everyone I have talked to has told me they don't hear from their kids unless they want something. One of my daughters hardly ever calls me and if I call her, she doesn't answer 9 times out of 10. If I leave a message, you might return the call the next day if I'm lucky. I have called her several different occasions needing to ask her something and she will not answer nor return the call even though I tell her what I need to know. She has made me feel that if I needed her for an emergency, I couldn't depend on her and she lives the closest. My other daughter, she will call about once a week and has sometimes taken me shopping or had me to spend the day with her. But, the one that lives the closest, I can't depend on her. They visit about once or twice a month with the grandchildren, and their husbands but after the visit, I won't hear from the one that lives the closest until they come again. You're not alone. This generation is completely different from the way we were. I called my mother every day and we would talk, talk and talk some more. But, not many of this generation will take the time to do that today.

I must be very blessed with my children, all grown. I have 3 sons, one is single and lives with me; another lives about 10 miles away and he stops by every week or more; the youngest lives 200 miles away but calls weekly. I also have 1 daughter and we are close. She is married and lives 5 miles away. We usually talk daily and we shop and do things together, like sewing and decorating projects.
I don't have any grandchildren.
If I need something any one of my kids helps me and they never ask anything of me.

I have 2 kids. 2-1/2 hrs away. I always thought my kids would be there IF I needed them. Nope. Such a kick in the butt. They offered me money, but they don't want me living with them. They claim the house is too small, and hold guilt that they cannot do more. Any calls I got were squeezed in. No time for mom.

Over time, I realized what they said was true. I remembered when I was their age. I was getting settled with a life of my own. I didn't want to have to have mom or dad around all the time either. I was too busy to entertain.

Then I realized that my grieving brought them down too. They wanted to move on. I was too needy for them. So I stopped crying on their shoulders and pretended I was a happy mom. The phone calls picked-up, and our conversations got better.

Now, they are calling to make sure I am OK. When I needed them, they were too busy for me. Now that I am doing better, they are around and inviting me to their house more often.

An acquaintance of mine, who has kids, living 10 mins away, has not seen, or talked to her children for 6 months now. Hugs.

I just passed the 3 year mark, and at times feel as low as anyone can get but that's my issue, based on the fact that I lost my love.
I agree with what was said about having to make your own time. I have a son and daughter that are moved out, and my youngest is moving to her own place at the end of the month. Even when they were here they had their own friends and lives and I didn't see them much.
Then again, I remember how it was when I was in my 20's. I was already out and on my own and only visited my folks now and then.
My mom is 88, lives 10 min. away. We talk on the phone every day but I only see her one day a week or so. She plays cards or bingo with her own friends in her building pretty much every evening.
My dad passed away 4 years ago, one year before my wife and almost to the day. I think if we want to see our kids we have to make arrangements to either go to their place, or invite them out. I'll usually plan an evening at a restaurant, on me of course, and we get together and catch up that way. I still find it enjoyable but have to realize that regardless of what we did for them growing up, they have their own lives to deal with. I don't want to guilt them into seeing me because that would make me feel pitiful about myself. My son is a commercial electrician and makes way more than I do, but I've never asked him for a penny, even though he's offered, because that's the way my dad was and how I was raised. If you raised your kids, helped them out, and made their life comfortable, that's what we're supposed to do as parents so they can have a life like we had.
Dealing with loneliness is also our problem as adults. Our kids didn't cause it, have to live with the loss of their mother as well, and have no place taking responsibility for it.

It's taken me a little time to respond to your post and quite a bit of introspection. You see my situation is the opposite. Between Art's adult children and mine with additional grandchildren I miss the quiet time for us. I was feeling kinda ungrateful for my feelings. Don't mean to hijack your post. Maybe the ideal is someplace in the middle. Then I tend to hibernate and we can both benefit. Sharon

My son calls often cause he wants money! He doesn't seem to get if I had money I would not still be working! My daughter lives a few blocks over and she does anything I need as I do for her. She is very caring and loving but sometimes I feel she is too judgementle and treats me as if she is the parent. I don't like it and she thinks if I am lonely the solution is to have me babysit the 7 year old alot. I love them both and I do take care of her alot because I enjoy it but I do not like to be mothered and told I should eat better excercise more I am an adult and I enjoy being able to be free to do as I please. I can't go anywhere without informing her and if I don't answer the phone she heads over lets herself in to see if I am okay! I am greatful and annoyed at the same time! There has to be a happy medium!

tiki... you should be proud she checks on you.

My daughter came over today, and stayed for 3 hours. she wanted to discuss her breast removal, and told me I am going with them to Memphis for the surgery, and they were getting me a hotel room. So I would be comfortable and be able to be there with her. WE BOTH CRIED!!!....I am glad I am able to be there for her. Then we went to the cemetery.

Maybe it`s just me but it seems that the age we are at makes a difference in our perspective in regards to seeing our children or not.
I am extremely blessed as my daughter who is in University currently living with me and we do each other . My son lives in another province due to work but we talk often . I don`t expect them to make me the focus of their life but we do have a great relationship. I do know that while I lost a husband and need their support, they lost a father and need my support. We are all grieving and trying to make the best of it. It`s a give and take on both sides. At their age, I was busy and while I was still living at home, between work an a social life my parents did not see much of me. At the same tome , they had no problem spending the winter in Florida. It`s life , it`s what we make of it. I do know that my grieving is my responsibility and that while family and friends may chose to help when I need it, it is not a mandatory thing. It`s their choice and I have to be o.k. with it either way.

I have seen this post up for quite a while and have resisted posting in here. Because what I have to say is not so much a suggestion, as a perspective. And this relates to grown children in my experience.

If you were very close with your children before you lost your mate, then you are probably still close to them. I would not expect that losing your spouse would make your bond closer.

Some have posted that you don't want to be used as a babysitter -wtf is wrong with you? My wife watched our first grand baby for a year and a half ( they dropped her off each morning and picked her up each evening - I came home early so I could get some time with her ) while our daughter went back to work after having the baby. Who better to help teach words and letters than the grandma?

We always were very close with our kids, and nothing has changed. We made it part of our life to be as involved in their lives as possible,and I still am.

Like I said, it's not really a suggestion, other than saying that If your kids want you to help out with the grandkids you really should jump at the chance, IMO. Theynarenpure future :)

Bob

This is from a daughter's perspective. I am close with my dad but I know he has a job and is busy and does not live near me. He knows I am busy as well with kids and a business to run. We try not to step on each other's toes. I think if he lived next door I would not be all up in his face 24/7. There gets to be a time in life when everyone needs their space. I would not worry about your daughter at ths point. She may have a lot on her plate as well.

Maggie

I do always love to take care of my grands but I dont want it to be the only reason they call. I never say no as they are my life but when the phone rings it is either for money which I gave as long as I had any or to babysit and I never ever say no . My daughter is wonderful to me and I appreciate it I just want to be the mother. I have did what everyone expected of me my whole life and now I would just like to be me!

I agree with Bob. If there was a relationship before your spouse died, it will continue after.

@tikibell - I am glad that you like to spend time with your grandkids, and like you I never turn down a chance to be with them.

For the last 14 years we established Sunday night dinners at our house ( it was, of course, my wife's idea ). We did that mainly because our 20 year old son moved out and we would only see him once per month. So we had Sunday dinner every Sunday. We provided the food, cooked it, and usually the kids would bring dessert or some juice. Befor we had grandkids we usually played cards and socialized after dinner. But we were sure to see them every week.

Now that we have grandkids, the dinner revolves around them :). We have something that they will like, but again all they have to do is show up, eat, relax and enjoy being with their family.

It has really helped us grow close to our kids ( husband/wife ) and the grandkids think Sunday dinner with ( now ) grandpa is a normal thing.

Even with all this they will usually only call when they need my help with something - lol, it's the way of busy families these days :)

Bob

I am finding this discussion quite interesting. I am contrasting the opinions of many of my generation toward their children's responsibilities in this situation to what I remember when my grandmother and then my father in law passed away.

When both of them passed away, all of the concern and attention were focused on the spouses. My MIL was just 3 years older than I was when widowed and not one of the kids acted like they had no responsibility toward their mother. We took her to church, the store, on vacation with us, etc. as well as doing whatever tasks she needed help with. We lived next to her just as I now live next to my daughter. Also, when my FIL was dying, it was the kids who made most of the major decisions when a crisis happened. Both times the ambulance was called, it was because my husband initiated it and his brother made the decision to take their father home to die. My MIL insisted that she not spend any time alone during that time and it was honored. The situation was much more of a family oriented thing with everyone being involved.

I would not say that my situation is not family oriented but I think there is a difference with expectations. My MIL is turning 87 this year and has been widowed since 2009, we rallied and help but she made her own decisions and will continue to do so until she possibly can. Now it really is only her daughter and I and I do visit her because I like to spend time with her not because it is expected.
If I don`t feel good, my daughter is quick to see if I need anything , if I need to go to the Doctors , same I do for her. That is different but she is not there for my needs . I am my own person and my kids do not owe me anything because I gave birth to them. We may not spend as much time together but when we do, it`s quality time. We did have a good relationship before hubby passed and it continued after. I had my kids, raised them and then let them fly on their own, sometimes they fly back to the nest, sometimes I fly to theirs. We compromise.