Opps. I meant to say, how do you "girls and guys" deal with this?

day by day, minute by minute is how i am dealing with the same thing. I thought I was confident and strong. After Bruce died I thought I had lost that. Slowly I am realizing I AM the same person just have to reinvent what I do with it.
Its hard because everything I knew growing up into an adult was with Bruce. I was 16 when I started dating him and he 19 . We literally grew up together.
You are strong, you have survived the worst thing that could happen to you and are still here, not afraid to share you with us.
I think not having security that I felt from Bruce is the hardest.
God bless
Hugs
Brenda

Yup! My Darrell was definitely linked fully with my confidence. I remember (and fear that I cannot deal with anything alone still raises its ugly head, sometimes) how I would say aloud, "I'm so scared!" But, I would ask him for help and he came - and still does come - to help me.

I know what you mean about Bill and you talking things out. That's probably the biggest thing I miss. Our spouses mostly are our best friends and that's what best friends do. They know every big and little thing about you and - oh! - when that's ripped from you, what an enormous hole it leaves!

But, I've decided that death is not the end of everything. Sure, you can't touch him/her, for real, and he/she actually cannot talk back in their human voice; however, no one and nothing can take away your love and that's the comfort I take from all of this agony. I know Darrell is here with me, in whatever form, because I can FEEL him. And, he is comforting me, because whenever the jags come, they go, as well. And, it is Darrell that makes them go away.

So, my suggestion: Continue your chats with Bill. He hears you, loves you and will comfort you and ease your fears. Bet on it!

Hugs,

Terry

I have to admit my confidence tanked after Steve passed--I feel like a fish out of water in most places at most times--I find myself not knowing what to say or when to say it--and end up spending a lot of time alone. I second guess myself a lot also. I keep praying I'll find a way to gain that strength and confidence back at some point--but so far I just find myself being somewhat timid and aloof most of the time. I don't like it one bit.

I can so relate, justifiably so, & proceeded w/ baby steps. I made some bad mistakes, but it was better than doing nothing at all except wither away. Coming here has helped immensely, & w/ out Family ( probably impossible ) We couldn't have Children, so questioning myself & lack of confidence was ten fold. I did get through this, but baby steps indeed ((XX))

I lost my husband almost 4 yrs. ago after 50 yrs. of marriage. Our house needed foundation work while he was ill, but we just let it wait. Soon after his death, I realized I had to have this work done. I was very hesitant and reluctant to move ahead, and then I thought: I am the only one responsible for this decision and I am the one who will be pleased or displeased by it. It's OK to do this and anything else that is necessary to keep the house in good shape. So, I had 2 contractors come and give estimates, and chose the best one. He did a good job and the house is still standing! People - you can do whatever is necessary. Don't second-guess yourself. My husband made a few mistakes along life's road, and if I make one the world won't end! Take courage and be strong! Hugs - Doye

Brenda is so right on. It literally IS minute by minute and sometimes second by second.

I have always been independant, and although confused at times always knew who i was. That changed the instant his last breath left this world. Being with someone from teens and growing up together you entire life? Has to be even HARDER to deal with. And please know I am not sayng that i hurt less or more or that anyone does, but I so WISHED i'd have had Greg for that long myself, and can't imagine multiplying the hurt by many many years.

After he died I was GONE for a while. The me he loved...no more. But I did think alot, and what I always thought of ws this: If i lose ME complately now, I'll have lost the very thing that drew Greg to want to know me. to love me and I would have missed out on the greatest gift of my life. i'f i let her go now.....I'll be letting go of all that he loved about me....that magic that was US.

Sooo..., I would read and re read the very first book he ever shared with me. 'Who moved my cheese" it is called. all through this book the words are written 'What would you do if you were NOT afraid?"

And that's what I try to remember everyday now, no matter what i have to do, or what i may want to do but am afraid of. i look at it and think about what if i were NOT afr aid, and that one phrase has helped me more than i can say.

And as Brenda said so rightly...you already have SURVIVED something that was the absolute worst thing that can happen to another person. losing the one you love the most.Believing in seeing him again and that he is always with you.

THAT right THERE is confidence in love.

HUGS my friend and nice to see you posting!

Love, Diane

I think our confidence builds as we try and do things we used to do together or at least make decisions on together but now alone without anyone to sound off on we are reluctant to trust just ourselves.

I find there were so many things my husband did not get to, or simply did not do on our place I had to now do especially trying to sell. SO I had to jump in there and do it. Not perfect decisions all the time but I think like I said our confidence builds as we tackle situations etc.

Being confident means I put food on the table. If I have a bad day, I just pretend I know what I'm doing and keep going. When Mike died I had no choice but to take that look in the mirror and tell myself that I was going to make it and there is no room for mistakes.

Maggie

It is definitelty a part of that change. Meeting life challenges without a confidant, a friend, a person who knew you so intimatelly.

In one of my grieving workshop we dealt with that "new me" aspect, and in order to identify and assess the change we had an assignment.
The assigment required to draw two columns. One column had a header "what has changed" and the second "what stays the same".
Also we had to write about our strengs and weaknesses, competences and skills from practical prospective: ability to earn living, taxes and bills, maintinance of a car, house, etc.

What I learned from that exercise that I had been giving myself less credit for my personal contribution to our married family life, specificaly in the decision making area. I always thought that I need someone to push me, backing me up, protect me.
I have realized that I have always had an active role in major issues, but grief distorted that perception turning me into a terrified, weak, and insecured middle- aged woman.

What actually has changed that I am nobody's "baby", no one calls me "my princess', no one treats me as a precious and fragile gift...no matter how much I resisted that idea, I had to accept that it has changed.
I have to say good bye to the vulnerable side of myself, learned to push myself into making important decisions, negotiate about serious issues, and feel solely accountable.
Do I like that? No really, but it is not a matter of liking it, instead I feel proud of myself when I get it right, and patient with myself when it the results are far from being perfect. It is empowering actually.
I hope your fears are just a phase and it will get better for you as well. Since you are putting a "good show" there is hope that you get from "faking it" to "making it".
We are truly stronger than we think. It is just that grief monster wants us to hurt more by bringing self doubts on a top of a pain.

After surving that terrible loss, we have learned more about life and death, about real values, about our own ability reinventing our life, restore it from ashes, and staring all over.
Meantime, give yourself a break, do not make hasty conclussions about your abilities, your strength. You are stepping into a new, unknown life territory, it is only natural that you are apprehensive and overly careful. You get your confidence back when you regain your mental and emotional balance.
Big hug.

I can so relate to this post. In my career as a nurse I was so confident and strong. In my marriage I felt so loved and part of something wonderful. Now without a job or husband I struggle with that confidence trying to find my way in this new strange world that is so different when you see it through eyes without a soulmate. I understand my friend.....our lives have changed so much....it takes time recreating ourselves.....it is a slow process but I believe we can do it with the help and guidance of each other. Hugs Lu Ann

I know how you feel. Dan did everything for me now I have to figure it out for myself. I had to put air in my tire yesterday and didn't know how to work the pump, a nice man helped me and taught me how to do it now I know. The tire had a nail in it and the dealer fixed it but normally I would have called my husband and he would have taken care of it. i felt proud to know I handeled it the best I could on my own, I'll know for the next time. All these firsts are hard.

No matter what I did before my husband passed away, I always knew that I didn't have to worry too much because he was just a phone call away. He was there for me no matter what, and now that he's gone, my confidence is also gone. Who do I call now? Who do I discuss major decisions with? Who knows me well enough to give me the advice I will accept as that which is in my best interest? I understand completely, and am struggling with this also...

When Jim passed away I too felt the same way. I never did anything without his opinion. Then I needed new tires on the car, had to file for his Veteran's benefits, refinanced the house all on my own. i have grown in my ability to do these things myself. it took time but i know I am the only one I can depend on. Jim would be proud of me of that I am sure. i take my time in making decisions and then i act. it takes time but you learn in this journey how to become more confident. Nothing can be as hard as going through grief. Big, hugs

I could have wrote feathr04's post. I don't have much self confidence left. At least my husband could help me out of a hole when I feel in one. Now what? Seems like no one cares, no one has the time, and then all you get is a yank up and they leave. I so understand. This widowhood thing is for the birds! I hate being alone, and not having that one person to confine in.