Widows & Widowers Support Group
This community is dedicated to those who have lost a husband, wife, or partner. Anything is open for discussion here, with the hope that we can focus on grief, bereavement, life after loss, and continuing on after a great loss.
I don't intend to ramble, but I'm not sure what it is I am about to write.
Six weeks ago tonight, I lost my wife of 27 years to complications following scoliosis surgery. It was a rollercoaster that started back in March. The surgery was long, but successful. We had planned on having this surgery for over a year, and I was so relieved when I got to see her in ICU after 9-1/2 hours in the O.R. The risky part was over.
After about a week, she was admitted to the rehab hospital to begin P.T. She wasn't progressing as fast as expected, but eventually she was discharged. But something wasn't right. On Easter Sunday, I took her to the E.R., and she was diagnosed with kidney and liver failure. After another week in ICU, the doctors discharged her and we were back on our way home. Dehydration and too much acetaminophen, I was told.
Next came our follow-up appointment with the orthopedist. "We have a problem," he calmly said. Some of the pedicle posts near her neck had pulled out, and she now had a compression fracture in C4. Back to surgery. It was successful, and we're finally on the road to recovery.
Then another setback. While on the ortho floor, her heart started racing and they called a code. Blood pressure plummeted, and then spiked up. She had a dozen IV bags hooked up to her and the doctors and nurses worked all night to stabilize her blood pressure. "We think she has a pulmonary embolism," I'm told. Another CT scan. No embolism, the doctor says she may have had an aortic dissection.
Things worsen, we life-flight to a heart hospital that perhaps can perform a tricky operation to repair the dissection. But after we arrived, the doctor examined her and says her liver and intestines had their blood flow stopped for too long, and the organs have died. There is nothing to do but stop the medicines and let nature take its course. This takes about two hours.
The first couple of weeks, I was so numb I'm not sure how I arranged a funeral, greeted friends and family, and took care of the "business" part of dying. The phone was ringing off the hook, and food, cards and flowers poured in. To make matters worse, the day of the funeral, our (her) little dog died suddenly. I'm not sure how she knew, but I think she died of a broken heart.
After a few more weeks, the phone stopped ringing, and the flow of cards slowly dried up and stopped. An endless stream of medical bills now takes the place of sympathy cards. Everyone has pretty much returned to their normal routines. Except me. I am officially alone.
Six weeks ago tonight, I lost my wife of 27 years to complications following scoliosis surgery. It was a rollercoaster that started back in March. The surgery was long, but successful. We had planned on having this surgery for over a year, and I was so relieved when I got to see her in ICU after 9-1/2 hours in the O.R. The risky part was over.
After about a week, she was admitted to the rehab hospital to begin P.T. She wasn't progressing as fast as expected, but eventually she was discharged. But something wasn't right. On Easter Sunday, I took her to the E.R., and she was diagnosed with kidney and liver failure. After another week in ICU, the doctors discharged her and we were back on our way home. Dehydration and too much acetaminophen, I was told.
Next came our follow-up appointment with the orthopedist. "We have a problem," he calmly said. Some of the pedicle posts near her neck had pulled out, and she now had a compression fracture in C4. Back to surgery. It was successful, and we're finally on the road to recovery.
Then another setback. While on the ortho floor, her heart started racing and they called a code. Blood pressure plummeted, and then spiked up. She had a dozen IV bags hooked up to her and the doctors and nurses worked all night to stabilize her blood pressure. "We think she has a pulmonary embolism," I'm told. Another CT scan. No embolism, the doctor says she may have had an aortic dissection.
Things worsen, we life-flight to a heart hospital that perhaps can perform a tricky operation to repair the dissection. But after we arrived, the doctor examined her and says her liver and intestines had their blood flow stopped for too long, and the organs have died. There is nothing to do but stop the medicines and let nature take its course. This takes about two hours.
The first couple of weeks, I was so numb I'm not sure how I arranged a funeral, greeted friends and family, and took care of the "business" part of dying. The phone was ringing off the hook, and food, cards and flowers poured in. To make matters worse, the day of the funeral, our (her) little dog died suddenly. I'm not sure how she knew, but I think she died of a broken heart.
After a few more weeks, the phone stopped ringing, and the flow of cards slowly dried up and stopped. An endless stream of medical bills now takes the place of sympathy cards. Everyone has pretty much returned to their normal routines. Except me. I am officially alone.
I am sitting here in bed writing this comment with four small children who miss their Daddy very much, who watched him go away a little at a time over 4 1/2 years with stage 4 brain cancer. He died right here in a hospital bed in our room in my arms. So many others here can identify with what you have been through, where you are now, and wherever your next day in grief will take you. Let me encourage you to write when you can and share and ask questions. It's cathartic.
Cindy
Come here often. Whether to share, vent, cry, or just read. This wonderful group of people have got me every step of the way and we will all be here to help you get through it also.
Hug
Russ
You are so very new to this awful journey... My strongest suggestion is that you hold on because you're in for the ride of your life! Good news (yes, there actually IS some good news, although you may not see it just yet) is that you've found us. We are all at various stages in our grief journey (I've been on mine for 2+ years) but we all have one core thing in common: we have lost the love of our life. We may all suggest ways to handle your pain but this journey is yours and you have to go through it to heal. We'll all be here in front of, behind and beside you to help when you think you cannot move one more step. And, again, although you may not believe me yet, you WILL make it through this and you WILL come out of this deep, dark abyss.
Just know that everyone else in your life - most, if not all of those who supported you initially - has moved on and back to their own lives. They do not understand, nor will they, unless they are unfortunate enough to have to experience this loss, themselves.
In the meantime, talk to us: tell us your fears, ask us your questions, let us know what you're feeling. Ramble away...we're listening. We are/have been there. And, rejoice in one thing: you've found a group of people who UNDERSTAND what you're going through.
Hugs,
Terry
Your story is quite sad, for an anticipated surgery to enhance one's quality of life turned for the worst. You weren't expecting any of this to happen, nor lose her in the process. Life has completely changed on the drop of a dime. And yes, others go on with their lives while you are left to pick up the pieces. It isn't that they don't care nor worry about you. I'm sure you would receive help from them if you wanted or needed it.
This journey now is yours and yours alone. If you feel counseling would help, by all means seek it. My first few weeks were too easy, like I was running on autopilot. After 5 months of struggle, the bottom dropped out. Since that time I have formed a comfortable life for myself, and feel very wanted and needed by family, friends and pets. They don't replace my loss, but I am blessed to have them in my life until my time comes.
Even if you have a heart attack in the ICU ( as my friend's wife did ) they sometimes cannot prevent damage being done. He lost her an hour after the doctors saying that she looked like she was going to be fine.
You did not ramble at all, and said what you needed to say. As you can tell from the responses, we are all touched by your story and we wish you strength as you find your way :)
Bob
I send my sympathies to you and those close to you. What you describe, the complications, were like the domino effect that my John went through following his last chemo. The combination of which caused severe dehydration and the same organ failure. But we had five days, because though the were shutting down there was also a little more time before they were completely gone. But already at a point of no return. The treatments he took to buy time from the cancer taken away with system stress, following his last chemo. We knew from there he would still have a few more productive months before the cancer caught up, but the complications took those precious months away.
I hope you find this group and any other ones at DS that may apply, as helpful as I did. Some here have become very dear friends, but all do understand on some level what you are feeling in the moment.
I read so much before I could post. But It really felt good that I wasn't alone in my fears and frustrations, anger and depression..of it all. I am farther out now, so I can see what I could not recognize before at the early weeks like you are in.
Come here often, and please do ramble, vent , cry and share...it's what helps to get through this. Friends and family that have already moved on are not always understanding of the whiplash effect of grieving a spouse, significant other. They have the one person that they go to for support still by their side when the pain or stresses hit.
We on the other hand are so busy taking care of those things you did even in a fog of loss, that by the time things settle down, grief takes the opportunity to fine tune its self. Then we feel the full weight, just as they are pulling away, and going on with their lives.
And the grief goes in waves, so many here will be able to offer you support as the seem to want to wash you out to sea. They bring a lifeboat of caring, compassion and understanding and tips on how to move through it. Or even how to do things your wife/spouse did that you have no idea how to do, or how she managed it.
Gentle hugs, and my heart,
Jewells
I am glad you found this group. I found it just a couple weeks after losing Cliff, way back in November 2007. This place helped me to heal, to not lose my mind, to regain my strength, and to rebuild my life. I hope it helps you, too.
I am one of the Community Leaders ("CL") appointed by DS to help those newer to the site and to this awful experience. There are 3 CLs for our group - myself, Shrn (Sharon) and marjoe (Marsha). If you have any questions, we're here to help as best we can. It's why we stayed - to let others know you CAN get through this, and to help along the way if possible.
I am always sorry to have to welcome someone to a group no one wants to belong to, but I am glad you found us. Welcome.
Love and Hugs,
Martha
You Went to a Funeral and Then You Went Home
http://www.huffingtonpost.com/courtney-fitzgerald/you-went-to-a-funeral-and-then-you-went-home_b_5412138.html
Hugs, Sandi