Widows & Widowers Support Group
This community is dedicated to those who have lost a husband, wife, or partner. Anything is open for discussion here, with the hope that we can focus on grief, bereavement, life after loss, and continuing on after a great loss.
On Thursday, November 28, I and another widow will be speaking to a class of pre-seminary students as to the loss of a spouse and how the church either fails or succeeds in meeting various needs; i.e., emotional, physical, or occasional chores that some cannot perform (cleaning gutters, trimming tree limbs, etc.).
This will be the 5th year I have been asked to participate in this classroom discussion. I've found the students eager to understand an event in life that is generally a remote thoughtdeath. Each year I've been surprised by their questions, and it becomes clearer year after year that being transparent with these aspiring pastors may help suffering members of any future church they attend or serve.
My reason for this post is to ask if you have any comments that you would like for me to interject in my interaction with them. What has been your experiences? They may have been totally different than mine. I know from older posts that the church as a whole has been a disappointment to many; to others it has been a lifeline for survival. With time, friends from church and otherwise tend to move on, leaving us to figure out the rest of our lives. And truth be told, most of us will not ask for help. Admittedly, my circumstances have been different from year to year. The 1st year I was still in the haze that surrounds all those raw memories and year of 'anniversaries' (it had only been 3 months); the 2nd year the focus was on surviving; and so on. All those changes were reflected in my conversations with the pre-seminary students. I am a different person now than that 1st year of sharing.
I tell myself I won't do this if I'm asked for the next year, but then I wonder if they would ever get the 'real story' from someone or just continue on in their unfounded assumptions of a widow or widower (textbook knowledge), and so I head for class to discuss one of the worst things that has ever happened to me. It is never easy.
Thank you in advance if you feel like sharing. If not, I certainly understand. It is always difficult to try and put our experiences of loss into words. The enormity of changes that happens in our lives DEFIES WORDS. The death of our spouse and the changes that are put into motion are almost impossible to explain to these bright, anxious-for-life students. Their lives stretch before them with smiles, happiness, and hope. Blessings to you. TJ
This will be the 5th year I have been asked to participate in this classroom discussion. I've found the students eager to understand an event in life that is generally a remote thoughtdeath. Each year I've been surprised by their questions, and it becomes clearer year after year that being transparent with these aspiring pastors may help suffering members of any future church they attend or serve.
My reason for this post is to ask if you have any comments that you would like for me to interject in my interaction with them. What has been your experiences? They may have been totally different than mine. I know from older posts that the church as a whole has been a disappointment to many; to others it has been a lifeline for survival. With time, friends from church and otherwise tend to move on, leaving us to figure out the rest of our lives. And truth be told, most of us will not ask for help. Admittedly, my circumstances have been different from year to year. The 1st year I was still in the haze that surrounds all those raw memories and year of 'anniversaries' (it had only been 3 months); the 2nd year the focus was on surviving; and so on. All those changes were reflected in my conversations with the pre-seminary students. I am a different person now than that 1st year of sharing.
I tell myself I won't do this if I'm asked for the next year, but then I wonder if they would ever get the 'real story' from someone or just continue on in their unfounded assumptions of a widow or widower (textbook knowledge), and so I head for class to discuss one of the worst things that has ever happened to me. It is never easy.
Thank you in advance if you feel like sharing. If not, I certainly understand. It is always difficult to try and put our experiences of loss into words. The enormity of changes that happens in our lives DEFIES WORDS. The death of our spouse and the changes that are put into motion are almost impossible to explain to these bright, anxious-for-life students. Their lives stretch before them with smiles, happiness, and hope. Blessings to you. TJ
The other thing that I HATE is when I'm told that Cliff is happy, healthy, at peace, whatever, now that he is with God. That does absolutely NOTHING to ease MY pain. Zip. It may be a wonderful thing for Cliff, but he still left 3 broken hearts behind.
Being widowed meant being in the real world 24/7 - no more illusions that somehow all our dreams were going to come true. It's raw and it's painful, and being quoted chapter and verse was so far removed from my day-to-day reality that I just wanted to scream. That's more textbook knowledge - appropriate at other times, but not during this ordeal.
Perhaps if the pastors would remember that their job is to minister to the living who are suffering, it would help.
Hope this helps. Or at least makes some vague kind of sense....
Love and Hugs, Martha
Your words made perfect sense, especially that they are to minister to the living who are suffering. Death is so far out of their realm of reality at this point.
I have a couple of examples that I use that hopefully hit a nerve-----I ask them if they are excited about going home for Thanksgiving. Of course, they are all anxious to see family, enjoy home cooking, have Mom do their laundry, sleep until noon, see old friends, etc. Then I ask them to imagine they pull into the driveway, sprint through the front door and yell 'I'm home,' waiting to hear the footsteps running to meet them. Then I sit and stare at them--no words. They become uncomfortable with the silence, probably thinking I'm about ready to lose it. I stare some more. Then I say, 'The silence you just heard is what a widow/widower lives with day in and day out. When the door closes and we enter our homes, a world a silence greets us.' THEY USUALLY GET THE POINT. It's a turning point in our discussion.
Thanks for your input. TJ
I would impress upon these new hopefulls in the calling that they will never fully understand this loss unless they have experienced it. Let them understand all of the emotions that go with this grief. It is quite and undertaking and I wish you the very best.
Linda
My church family was and still is there for me. It will be a year on Dec. 3, 2009, and I still have people asking if there is anything they can do for me, although I try not to ask for any help. My pastor's wife was there for me, especially at the beginning and I don't know what I would have done without her. She has become a very dear friend. Sure, the same old sayings were spoken..."He's better off. He is in no pain now.", or "It was his time to go and God knows best." You know, we all know that, but it would have been comforting to also hear, "I can't imagine how you feel, but I will be praying for you". That at least lets you know that anyone who hasn't experienced it really does not have the faintest clue as to how "we" feel.
I am glad you are willing to go through this again because you know how it is to lose a spouse. I know it must be painful for you. I will be praying for you that the Lord will give you the words to say and the strength to say them.
(((HUGS)))
Cathy
Another thought:
Due to my time on DS and watching our daughters grieve in their own way, I would also like to hit upon the subject of nurturing young children and embracing adult children of loss. Men and women in the church can have an awesome affect on the children, no matter what the age.
Our loss as spouses is completely different than the grief our children are experiencing. It is very difficult for us to help our children while we are in the grip of such sorrow. There are times I'm at a loss as how to approach certain concerns regarding the way our daughters are dealing with the death of their father. It appears on occasion that the children are the ones left out of the healing process. In a church setting, there are so many opportunities to embrace the whole family, not just the spouse.
Either the adult children are concerned about their surviving parent, trying to fill the needs, or they may simply walk away from the responsibility because it sooooo crosses their comfort zone. For the younger children; well, they need the heart-felt attention that a caring person can give to help bolster their self-esteem or feelings of abandonment. Hard to figure, but it's an issue nonetheless. Just wanted to mention that area which is often ignored. Thanks again. TJ
So, I guess the things that would have been most important to me would have been follow up communication when I stopped attending - a card in the mail, a phone call, or in my case, just stopping by my business. The other thing would be support in business endeavors. I would always choose to patronize the business or use the services of a fellow church member over others. I could understand if my prices were much higher or my product was inferior, but I know from others that neither is the case. I have been a member of this church for about 15 years and do not ever remember hearing the pastor encourage his congregation to support the business endeavors of fellow members. I have heard him preach many times about encouraging through cards and phone calls, but haven't seen that happen much from him or the congregation.
Every few months, my dentist office sent me a card the first year and at Christmas a large poinsettia plant from the florist. Such thoughtfulness and completely unexpected! I didn't have much work done on my teeth, so it wasn't that I was a favorite.
My husband died 5 years ago. One thing I so much appreciated was the fact that the pastor allowed friends and relatives to share their feelings and thoughts about my husband. Some were so funny and some so sad but I was so blessed by their sharing. It gave my daughters a better picture of their father as well. It also seemed to alleviate the sadness in the sanctuary.
One thing everyone did around that time was to offer their help "If you ever need anything, just give us a call" I appreciated their kind words but I was in no place to reach out and call on anyone. I still cannot.
Maybe pastors should tell their people to reach out to those bereaving a loss - whether they ask for it or not. Just call up once in awhile and ask if they could use your help or just to see how they are feeling. They should be told that to some of us this is a crippling experience. I don't have a car so even the offer of a ride once in a while would be so thoughtful and helpful. An invite out for coffee, etc.
Everyone seems to care at first but later on they seem to ignore you. I guess they feel you have moved on in your life and if you needed help you would ask. Even my family ignored me. It is 5 years now and I feel so alone. Maybe I never really grieved. I put on a great face but inside I still hurt.
Anyway, those are my thoughts.
Doye
Just a thought....
I have just one thing to add to all the great suggestions already given. A touch or a smile would be very welcome. Just to show me I have not become invisible.
Holly
hugs
judi