Hi all. So many new ones here. I am truly so very sorry for the death that brought you here. I joined here in July '15 I think, a few months after my wife of 30 years passed. I'm at 2 years 6 months into the aftermath. Unbelievable what grief does to us. I never faced anything in my life that could not be overcome with positive thinking, positive talking, prayer and commands, until grief. My God, I became undone. Mentally undone. Could no longer think, and that is what I got paid to do. Almost lost my job. Came as close as anyone can come. Only thing that saved me is that I had just gone into the doctor, he diagnosed me depressed, and prescribed anti-depressants. They helped me a great deal at the time, and got me to a functioning level. I fought what grief was doing to me with everything I had, all the tools I'd learned that had gotten me through life with flying colors. Nothing worked. The more I see in my rearview mirror now, the more I become convinced that this discussion board saved my life. Hell, just being able to write somewhere, anywhere people actually get it, that is what got me through. I never wrote anything personal before, never kept a diary or a journal, wrote very few letters. All my writing had been either business or scholastic. I learned to write here. And it has become one of my passions. I've developed a style I term "stream of consciousness". But actually, the words I write come out of my heart and become my thoughts. And so that is what I write. Odd thing is though, I have to be writing to an audience, be it one or many. I've got nothing if I just try to write to no one. I already ruled out my dog Blue, only because she can't read :)  Anyway, I try time from time to share some of my thoughts and new surprises I run into even today. Funny thing, when my wife died, I figured I'd be good in 2 weeks. That was my experience. Some family that died, I never grieved. Longest grief I knew was when my father died, took me 2 weeks and I was good as new. One of the few times in my life I ever cried, until my wife died. Don't worry, I made up for those many years saving those tears for when they were really needed. Opened a floodgate, I'm tellin' ya.

Anywho, I want to tell you I had a major breakthrough today. I knew it was there, but it was a strong blockage. All our marriage, my wife and I worked together to always have the most absolutely gorgeous yard, no matter the house or the neighborhood. That was something we did together. The best of memories. I let the yard go to worse than worse. I went to mow my bare dirt with giant desert weed front lawn, and when I pulled out the lawnmower, there were actually seedlings that had sprouted and were growing well on the dirt on the lawnmower deck. I live in the middle of an irrigated desert (most potatoes grown of any county in America, right here in central Washington State). And I'm telling you, those desert weeds get really big, and thorny, and just plain ugly. How ugly? Well, I ain't had no burglars or skunks, come to think of it, the family of squirrels must have moved out too. I ain't seen neither hide nor hair of them critters in over a year :(  Back to point, I spent 7 hours today bringing my front yard and flower beds up to my pre-death standards. And I had fun doing it! And I was absorbed by it. That's one reason I loved yard work for so many years, the focus on projects removed all thoughts of the bullshit of life and work. I got that today too. Focus. I didn't even think about my loneliness, my dating prospects, work, my house remodel from hell that keeps birthing new projects faster than the cute little mouse that moved in that I just didn't have the heart to kill. Next thing I know, I'm overrun by mice. I learned that it is actually fun to kill mice. Took me about 2 weeks, but I got all 12 of them. I had traps set everywhere. They were smart at first, but once I learned the pathways, they were gonners. See what happens in the aftermath? You take pleasure in killing rodents :) I think I was telling you I did my front yard. First time I'd done anything in any of our flower beds except mow over them to get the grass down. Hell, I didn't care. except for the grapevines, I watered zero times this past summer. Hello? I live in a desert. Even some of the giant desert weeds were dying from lack of water. Last year, I decided my only course of action was the Darwinian Method of Gardening. That's right, only the strong survive. So everyplant that is left, after 2 1/2 years of embarrassing neglect, that's what I'll keep. I know these plants are tougher than Sarah Pallin's grizzly momma imitation. (Sorry, I'm dating myself here :) My front flower bed actually looks nice now that I got the weeds out of it, pruned up the tough SOB plants left in the flower bed, made it look all nice, got to feel the dirt in my fingers (love that), got what's left of the lawn edged, mowed the yard down to the dirt (grass pretty much died summer of '15 after she died). My wife loved Irises. Had a yard full of them, all different colors, most had a story -- she loved the ones a very elderly couple had given us, Bob and Hallie, who sorta took us under their wings when we were just newlyweds. Until last year, I did keep those beds watered. I gave up this past summer. You'll be surprised. Remember, Darwinian Method of Gardening. So I had my breakthrough. I saw how bad it looked and didn't want to look at it in that state of disrepair and neglect anymore. My eyes opened to it. A big part of my problem was all I did I did for her. And that includes yard work. Every fishpond, patio, waterfall, flower bed, retaining wall, porch, path, deck, sidewalk, everything I did for her. Today, I did it for myself. That is huge.

I'd end this now, but I am asking for prayers. I went to the doctor about 2 weeks ago because I had been experiencing major weight loss in the past 2 or 3 months. Lost most of my he-man muscles, bullet chest is gone, no fat, and no appetite. I was attributing it to the anti-depressants I was on because I was starting to have some weird mental stuff going on, zero appetite, sleep dependent on the anti-depressants, pulling an all-niter on vacation and once most weekends. And memory lapses, losing shit worse than ever. So I quit the two anti-depressants I was on, 3 or so weeks ago. Anyway, went to the doctor, my type I diabetes was out of control, and doctor attributed the weight loss (20 lbs in 3 months) to the diabetes. I was running 240 when I went in. To be on the safe side, he ran all the cancer blood work to make sure. All good results. Smacked me upside the head with my wife's death. It all started with the blood tests. Four months later, she's dead. So, I'm supposed to eat and take my diabetic pills (which I stopped because I had such low blood sugar not eating anything ---- ooops, except candy, Dove's chocolate is my favorite. Well, you know, I was hungry not eating and all. Shit, I think I must have been trying to kill myself. No shit. What a way to go though :)

So here's the kicker. Last week, I had some pretty severe arm and chest pains hit me. Today, shoveling and raking in the yard, severe chest pain, left side, sharp enough to make me wince audibly. The pains in both my arms is more like a numbing sensation elbow to shoulder, both arms. I've got no health insurance, and I've seen the cost of tests through my wife's illness. My guess is they will first run an EKG. Odd thing is, when I went to the doctor a few weeks back, he never listened to my heart, just my breathing through his stethascope. I was breathing fine. Still do. But I'm telling you, these chest pains are, well, painful :) Here's the worst of it. I am all alone. I've got nobody to share this with outside of my one friend and co-manager at the food bank. Hell, she's the one that convinced me to get my weight loss checked out. Cha Ching. Spending money I'd rather spend on girls, girls, girls, or food, food, food. My sister died when she was 31. Her husband John was dead within 2 years. He drank himself to death. His mother found him 10 days after he died. I'm not one to readily allow fear, but I do know that I am so glad my wife Juani had me there with her from beginning to end. She deserved that. And through it she delivered her final lesson of love to me. I'm guessin' she'd be telling me to get into the doctor. Never was much good at listening to sound advice. Love you all, Scottie