Hi Lori . . . I find myself repeating the acronym DABDA . . . in dealing with grief. Denial, Anger, Bargaining, Depression and Acceptance. Not necessarily in that order, and often we experience several of these levels of emotion at the same time. Anger is a part of your grief process and quite normal. Acceptance of anger, can actually help dissipate some of that energy. Be gentle with self and know it's simply part of the process. As for dealing with it . . . everyone is different. For me, getting it out physically is a number one reducer of anger. I am not a violent person, but once took a baseball bat to one of my wooden park benches and beat the living c**p out of it . . yes I felt better. Running is good, lifting weights, get a punching bag or even beating a pillow can be cathartic. Other less physical ways that helps me is writing out my feelings of anger, talking about it matter of factly. But again, it doesn't just go away easily. This will take time to work through. Remember to be gentle with self and not expect to feel anything other than what you are feeling. Embrace it and flow with it knowing it is part of the healing process. Big hug. Dayna

Dayna ..I loved your comment on the wooden bench. My dear friend lost her 35 year old son suddenlya few years back to a unknown heart defect. We were talking recently about our " short fuses" during grief and she told me how one night she got up and went into the kitchen and proceeded to break dishes...lots of dishes..lol. She said it was such a release of all kinds of feelings and it helped her immensely.
So Lori your fine and feeling what most of us on this grief journey feel.
Dayna had some great ways to deal with our anger and not direct it at others.
Hugs
Deb

Why do we have to deal with it. Let it be! Feel it, go with it and just let it be. I could NEVER pick up a baseball bat and somehow I admire someone who can.

I yell at people in my car, windows rolled-up, they can't hear or see me and I just let them have it. I say words that most folks wouldn't use.......And, I proudly use them in articulated sentences!!!! It's fun, try it sometime!

I feel better when I'm done and usually top it off with a good cry!!!!!

I don't smoke, I don't drink.......I hope I'm not bottling it up inside and one day I'll blow......Nah! I don't think so!!!!

Roz

Thank you all so much for your replies. I could see myself taking a bat to something! As you all know, we have so many emotions going at the same time! I am mad that we still have to celebrate the holiday's. I am 44. My oldest son is 26, my youngest 23. And I told them both that this year I just can't go through the family ornaments. Thankfully they both understand. The last 26 years of my life are in those boxes. I just can't do it this year.

Roz,

Maybe you should try drinking and shooting guns! I do both! Probably not the best choice but it is what is. Nothing like popping off a few rounds out of my cannons. You would probably not like it but a great stress outlet. Needs to be a little warmer though. Good to see you jumping into the mix Roz!

Montana hugs to all!

The sheep are still sleeping with one eye open!

And Harley is still hunting vermin. His shift starts about 2:15 AM.

Dewman

I am so sorry for your loss. At 9 months holidays came here. My family didn't hold up to well, either. But because of grandchildren, we got through it all. This is our second holiday season without him. I think it will be a little better this year. Bless you and your family... Sandee

I used the writing option of dealing with my aanger after my husband died. Writing scathing letters to no one helped, but I later realized my short fuse caused me to snap at others. I wasn't aware of the snapping until much later, but I did know small things annoyed me. Sharon

God, I grew up angry. My parents were angry people. My husband was an angry man. So, "angry" has been a natural emotion for me. I get angry sitting in church for heaven's sake! I have broken things in my anger, but no one makes me angry. I own my anger, and it BETTER do what I say.

I think it's part of stress & grief.

I think my anger very much lessened since my husband passed. During his battle with cancer, I was angry that is was all going downhill so fast and no matter what treatment he was having, he was failing. I was angry because he was so healthy and at the drop of a coin he had stage iv cancer. just that fast.
When he passed, the anger turned to sadness. I just deal with the house or car stuff when it arises. No anger at what goes wrong, I just deal with it. The worse has happened.

You are all correct. And we all deal with things in our own way. I have limited myself to 2 things a day. Like social security office, and calling the car insurance. Because each time you do this, you have to relive it.Everyone needs a death certificate SO I only do 2 a day. But I must say my house has never been cleaner. I clean when I am stressed. Thank you all for taking the time to answer my questions.

Lori,

I'm going to come clean, here. I didn't have any anger, initially - for months, actually. In fact, I kept wondering why.

One day, about the 7th month of my journey, I had gone for my usual morning walk along the ocean bluff. When I got home, suddenly something snapped. I was so filled with rage (to this day, I don't know at what I was so angry). I called the local hospice and they said their meeting for widows and widowers was to start in 15 minutes. I got directions and sped like a demon into town, the whole way cursing and swearing to all the drivers in front of me. I was yelling so loud and using such foul language that the cows in the pastures along the way were putting their hooves over their ears to block my tirade. I was hoarse for days afterward. But, I made it to that hospice meeting and thank God I did - and that I made it there without killing myself or anyone else who was anywhere near my car on the way there.

(By the way, I think you might use any of the previous suggestions of others for taking out your anger, rather than using my method. Mine might get you killed, or at least a ticket for speeding/dangerous driving. And, besides, the cows wouldn't like you much. The ones who heard me that day still give me dirty looks.)

Yup! Anger is one of the fallouts from this miserable journey.

Hugs,
Terry

Lori, I am sorry for your loss and that you are having to contend with all of this, too. Yes, I got angry -- took awhile, but I got very angry -- surprisingly angry! It came over me like a wave of rage. Counseling helped me with that. The other thing that helkped me was pounding my fists into my pillows - the bonus to that is that it fluffs your pillows andn it doesn;t hurt anybody! A friend of mine here used to use a pillow to whack a pillow and that works, too.

You can go to the thrift stores or garage sales and spend $5 on cheap dishes, take them home and them smash the you-know-what out of them. It can be immensely satisfying, just make sure no one is around that could get hurt and maybe wear safety glasses just in case. Anyway, they make make a lovely sound when they smash.

Anger at work was a big problem for me, so on my lunch hours I would journal it out -- rapid, angry, stream of consciousness stuff. That was a big help for dealing with insensitive comments in the workplace. I also made sure to take my breaks and go for a walk, even if it was just 5 minutes around the block. That helped clear my head and lessened the anger. It also helped me sleep better at night to have the fresh air and exercise.

I hope this helps, and I am sorry you needed to be here, but also wanted to welcome you. I am one of the Community Leaders appointed by DS to help other members here - that's why there is a "CL" on my photo. My co-CLs are Shrn and marjoe (Sharon and Marsha). One of us is usually around. Welcome.

Love and Hugs,
Martha

Dewman, you crack me up. Your sense of humor is a sure fire way to disarm anyone. Thanks for that. I think I laughed and smiled through your response to anger!

Sara, I grew up with some pretty angry folks, myself. Thank God for Morey; he was gentle, kind, loving and so steadfast. I loved his attitude and willingness to ALWAYS be THERE for me. Unfortunately, when he got ill, it took him away from me!!!!!!

Terry, what's up with the cows?

Oh, you guys, you brought me back. I was having a pretty dismal day today.......And, you all brought a smile to my face,

Thanks,
Roz

Terry,

I wouldn't worry about the cows! They can't rat you off! And besides they are around cowboys! Need I say more! Perhaps you haven't worked cattle with them but I have. They are kind of like my construction worker days, words just pop out! Roz, this hasn't been my best day either but I think it's the cloudy overcast sky that works to bring me down. As Sally used to say I'm upping my attitude so up yours! I need to pick mine up as well. Last week at Walmart an old gentleman was picking out mixed nuts one by one and putting them in a bag. I looked at him and could not resist. I walked over to him and said "You are the biggest damned squirrel I have ever seen!" He looked at me and busted out laughing and proceeded to shake my hand. Not everyone takes my humor quite as well. Some just look at me and think what's up with that dumbass! Lets get upping! Hugs to everybody! Ya all know we need them! Dewey