Dear Kittymama,

I am so sorry for your loss...I think it is one of the worst things that can happen to anyone....to lose a child, and especially to women who desperately wanted the child....

When I told him I had lost my child, he didn't care. I had to have a surgery after my doctor had found out that I was miscarrying, but he wasn't there for me. He just blamed me for losing the child. He said he would care about the next one, but by then I was starting to figure out what kind of person he was and told him I wouldn't want a child with him. Then he went and got another girl pregnant and rubbed it in my face and even sent me ultrasound pictures of their fetus. I am so glad I didn't have to share a child with this monster, furthermore, I'm so glad that I wouldn't have to make an innocent child suffer for having my S as a father.

After reading your post, I think our having lost our children was, in a very weird way, meant to be. Maybe we were given a chance to start our lives fresh and away from the crazy sociopathic world. Well, at least I would like to think of it as blessing, I guess.

I'm so sorry your stepdaughter is going through so much already at an early age. Unlike us, her sociopath will be a part of her life forever as a father, but I really hope she will get enough love and support from her loved ones around her and be shielded from the toxins of your exS as much as possible.

Dear EFCarter,

I am so sorry to hear about your situation. God, that's awful. You want to do the best for your child but doing so could make you lose being with your daughter. I can only imagine what you are going through and frustration you must be feeling.....
And it must be horrible for your daughter to not be able to trust her own father who should be there and love her unconditionally.
But at least she and you sound very close and have each other. I'm sending both of you lots of cheers!

Both my parents were S and N, and I can tell you they do not truly have the ability to love. They can feign love and make it appear that they love, but truly they do not. It is an act for their greater good. Their treatment of me was demoralizing, damaging, debasing, and controlling to a very sick degree. If you tried to have a conversation about it, they say you twist things in your mind, you exaggerate, etc. There is no ability to have a conversation with them. I am still dealing with a mother and it is just crazyland. She seems to everyone else to be so nice and sweet. They have no idea how she really is. Still she puts me down to others behind my back to prove to them that I am just awful, and will lie and deny that she does that. It's just crazy and an impossible situation. There is no ability to love present there.

Dear subabu,

I can only imagine what you have gone through as someone whose both parents are S & N!! And I'm so sorry that you have been treated like that by people who should have loved you like no one else.
And it was unbelievable to know that your parents have treated you like my S treated me....exactly the same! Demoralizing, damaging, debasing and controlling, and turning and twisting things around on me... so that no matter what, I was the one to be blamed for EVERYTHING (in his mind) It was impossible to have a conversation, it was like talking to a wall!
Now having read everyone's post, I think I know the answer to my question....wow, it is just jaw-dropping.
It is just appalling for me to know that not only can S, P & N not love their own fresh and blood, they "pretend" to love them when convenient for them.

My husband has 3 children
daughter-20
son-17, whose girlfriend is pregnant
daughter-14

i know he loves them in some sick way....i have overheard him lying to them multiple times....he calls them names in front of me.....its just a very bizarre thing. i really don't understand it. its like they are this huge bother and inconvenince.

I have family members who either are or have similar traits to S's and some of the replies are completely true. Whenever I'm around these family members, it's like I'm a huge inconvenience to them and I'm unwanted, even though they invited me over. They put themselves first, and disregard my own needs and wants (especially when I was a young child). I feel very unimportant and insignificant to them. My most recent encounter with one was a demonstration of fake superficial "love" and then I was used and discarded when I was no longer needed. Imagine, from a family member. They also play mind games with me. No wonder I ended up in a relationship with an S!

Subabu, I know what you mean. They are so unbelievably controlling, they will tell you anything to get you to do what they want. They will call you names, blame things on you, etc. You can't negotiate anything.

Oh yeah, and these family members do not love in the same way as others--One time I was traveling and was in the same place as one of my family members with S traits, and I had to go to the hospital because I got into an accident. My mom called the family member to let them know I was in the hospital and if they could visit me, take care of me, and he told her it's not his job to take care of me and inconvenience himself to see me. So, no, S's or people similar to S's, do not have the capacity to love in the same way.

It just amazes me to hear how far and how much sociopaths inflicts emotional and psychological damages to other human beings. I'm just speechless....I mean I have seen it done to me many many times, but he was just someone I was seeing, not a family member. But when I look back, there were many incidences where he treated family members like crap. Sigh...

The hardest thing for me to heal from is my knowledge that my ex-P backstabbed me to his kids, who now don't like me as a result. I was pretty close to them and his son lived with us, so I loved him almost as my own. The two girls I saw every other weekend and summers, vacations, etc. and was very attached to them as well. His son drove by me one day, I waved, and he looked at me like I wasn't there. His daughter not only defriended me on Facebook but blocked me as well. The ex-P had also previously turned his siblings and mother against me, some of whom I run into as we all live nearby. I don't care what he thinks of me, but I DO care what people who I respected and cared about who AREN'T Ps think as a result of his smear campaign. I just can't get past it yet..

You'd think the family would get it by now since he says the same things about me to them now as he's said to them about his ex-wife and all his other ex-GFs (we cheated on him, are crazy stalkers, etc., NONE of it true). I guess I just need to write them all off as P enablers and not worth my time.

Ashling, you said:

"My husband has 3 children
daughter-20
son-17, whose girlfriend is pregnant
daughter-14

i know he loves them in some sick way....i have overheard him lying to them multiple times....he calls them names in front of me.....its just a very bizarre thing. i really don't understand it. its like they are this huge bother and inconvenince."

I believe the same about my ex-Ps feelings towards his 3 kids.

For years I thought he was a great dad because he'd buy them things on top of the child support he paid, he called them all the time, talked about them all the time. But then I discovered he was telling them to lie to me whenever he brought women home when I wasn't there (we lived together, but he managed to do it a lot). He said terrible things to them about their mother and his ex-GFs and me. But then I realized, when his second child chose to live with him when she was 15 (his son had done the same thing 5 years earlier), that he was doing those things ONLY so he could screw over his ex-wife and hurt her even more. The 13-year old girl will probably do the same in a few years.

it's just so sad the way the kids get hurt...my husband's son is abusive....i can see the same behavior in him. its scary that this young man will be a father in a few months. its such a dysfunctional, chaotic mess.

The trauma. abuse, neglect and all the other genetic and environmental factors are never-ending cycle, gosh it is terrifying. Sociopaths have kids, and their emotionally traumatized kids have kids......so on and so forth....
And the victims will be multiplied...
It makes me wonder if my S was also just another emotionally damaged kid who is a product of sociopathic parent(s), not that it would validate what he did to me though.

Shelby, it's very possible that he could be. I know that my S would do things that were disrespectful to other family members, friends, etc. or their personal boundaries, or did things that were inconsiderate, selfish, or hurtful. His mom would always defend his behaviour and validate that what he is doing is right. She'd tell him that he is the only person who matters, and he should be able to do whatever he wants. She'd also enable him to turn against certain family members. I would just sit there during their conversations and listen at how much these people destroy family relationships.

silverlining4hope,

My S's mom also always defend his behavior. In fact his entire family was enabling him. His dad sort of put his foot down and said, "you have to start acting more responsibly and take care of your mess on your own", and of course my S hated his dad for telling me that. My S used to tell me, "he is my father. he should be on my side and help me out unconditionally!!!" (his sense of entitlement was just unbelievable)
But his mom just babied and enabled him no matter what he did, well, it was more like he conned and manipulated her too to make her believe that he was the one wronged and everyone else was against him. Of course his mom believed it.
He stole from his family, his cousins and friends....it is utterly sickening.

My Ex claimed he loved his children. The one that is 15 years old he hasn't seen since he was 3 and the mom has a restraining order aganist my ex. (red flag there I should have seen). His other 2 children he claims he loves them and would do anything for them, they live 3 hours from here, and he sees them about once every couple of months. After neglecting them for years. Mt 2 year old, well he the ex was around only a few months of his life before it all fell apart, he claims he loves him, but he is also very mean to him. And the one in my belly, well he says thats not his, funny how he loves his kids so much, but he owes 88,000 in back child support!!!!!! Sociopath to the MAX!!!

Wow, I now no longer have to wonder about this question. I have wondered for a year if I'm doing the right thing by leaving my son's father S,N. Now, I know that I did.
My ex has a son from a previous marriage who is 12. (we weren't married) He has claimed for the 5 years we were together that his son means everything to him, that he would die for him etc....

Now I've become close friends with his brother & his new wife who have NC with him because he has threatened their lives and lied etc to them as well. They have helped me fill in the gaps of our so called relationship and it is truly baffling that all the good things he would say about his parenting with his first son are completely untrue. He used to say that his ex-wife was abusive and neglected their son. Also that she had so many men in and out of their house (after the divorce) that it's no wonder their son has issues with trust and self esteem. My ex was actually talking about himself, not his wife. I've found out that many P,S,Ns tell stories about another person but are actually talking about themselves. It is truly nauseating.

I always thought I was doing something wrong when our son was born because my ex would not hold him, change him, bathe him etc... I left him alone with our son ( 18months at the time) for an hour and a half. When I came home the S was snoring on the couch and couldn't be aroused until I shook him. Our son had found a marker and drew all over himself, his clothes, a chair and his little big wheel bike. When I yelled at him and asked him WTF happened he very calmly said, "I must have dozed off for a minute." Then he looked at the baby and laughed. I was beside myself with rage and confusion as to how ANYONE could be so irresponsible and uncaring.

I never left him alone with him again. I always felt I had to make sure another adult was going to be there.
Now our son is almost 5 and he's moved 3 states away and comes to town every few months and I have found out many times he never even told me he was in town. He claims he 'needs' his son in his life and doesn't want to lose the connection he has with him but never does what he says.

There is no way that he or any of P,S,Ns love their kids or anyone else unless they are getting what they want and even then they only love what they are getting not the person giving to them. PUKE PUKE

I am so glad that I have had NC with him for a month and now he is back in town (he doesn't know that I know) and if he does try to contact me I am going to tell him to not come to my house, leave us alone and don't call anymore. If he shows up at my door I'm calling the police. I don't know about many other people like this but mine is also a criminal and violent so I'm hoping if he does come over that I can get some protection from him.

I am NOT about to allow my son to have a relationship with this "man" if I can help it. Ever.

I feel so supported here and that we can all read these posts and nod our heads in agreement because we've been there together in some degree. Too bad that it had to be through such a damaging experience but am grateful you're all here.

MJ