Trichotillomania (Hair Pulling) Support Group
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Hello everyone. I hope you are well today.
This will be my first installment of the story and my struggles of having Trichotillomania. I have chosen the username ThisEndsNow for obvious reasons...
Let me start off by telling you a bit about myself. I want to remain relatively anonymous until I have conquered this ridiculous (I say this out of anger) problem we are all facing. Today I will tell you that I am twenty-three, I am a male, I shaved my head with a guard-less trimmer a little over two years ago and have worn a hat almost every day since I graduated High School, and I have had Trichotillomania since 4th grade - or around 9 or 10 years of age. It has been a secret. My deepest most kept secret of my life. I have only told my best friend (other than a dermatologist when I was younger, and a beautician. I never actually told her. My mother did.) in hopes that telling someone would help lift some weight off my shoulders.
My story will be at times depressing, it will probably have subpar grammar and sentence structure, and the format won't be incredibly fantastic as I have never written a blog or anything of this nature before. That being said, since none of you know me, it must be said that I say that jokingly. I like to laugh at myself and my skills, or lack there of, so that I can remember to work toward overall betterment of myself. Anyway, I digress.
This day Tuesday, March 29th, 2016 is the day, and we all know that each of us have said this 1000 times, that I stop dealing with Trichotillomania. I am sitting in my bedroom with a single dim light bulb casting its brightness on to my back. I am worn down. My motivation has been sucked out of me and I am fighting it with every last ounce of my being to accomplish anything to help me snap out of it. ***(No I am not thinking of taking my own life. The thought has never crossed my mind so please don't portray it this way.)*** I am beginning to realize that the felling I am experiencing is depression. I have never felt this before. I do not like this felling what so ever. I am physically tired.
These past few weeks have been a struggle in the battle against Trich. As of right now I have three thin/bald spots of hair on the stop of my head just forward (in the direction toward my face) of the crown and one on the right side of my head. From my point of view without a mirror I have one on the left side - one on the right - and one in the middle. They are small. Well... they aren't small. They are small compared to what I have had to deal with in the past.
The one on the left is the worst in terms of thinness. It is the newest. and about the size of half a credit card if cut from top to bottom. Fortunately I didn't pull out the follicles on most of them so they are already growing back after about a week or so. I noticed this today.
The one in the middle is growing back nicely. Or as nicely as it gets... but I haven't really pulled at this one strongly for about 6 months and it is smaller than the previous but it is still pretty obvious.
The one on the right is biggest in size. I suppose this is because I am right handed and I can lean my arm against a window and pull without anyone really noticing. It is growing back nicely as I also have not pulled this one for about 6 months as well. But you can still tell it is there as it is thinner than everywhere else on my head.
The final is on the right side of my head. I have a birth-mark where the hair grows in grey. It is about the size of a U.S. dime or nickel and usually stays bald because I tell myself to pull these instead of anywhere else as a lifeboat to avoid pulling anywhere else. Follicles almost never come out so they grow back quite quickly. It sucks to even say that I have a system down for this.
NOTE: I already feel better after having typed what I have so far. Fantastic.
I am getting hungry now. So I must stop writing for now. I will probably resume the story tonight before I sleep. I hope to write here once a day but I will not make any promises. I have tried writing blogs/journals before but I can't say I really enjoy it yet so I can't make any guarantees on the frequency I will write. Let the games begin!
This will be my first installment of the story and my struggles of having Trichotillomania. I have chosen the username ThisEndsNow for obvious reasons...
Let me start off by telling you a bit about myself. I want to remain relatively anonymous until I have conquered this ridiculous (I say this out of anger) problem we are all facing. Today I will tell you that I am twenty-three, I am a male, I shaved my head with a guard-less trimmer a little over two years ago and have worn a hat almost every day since I graduated High School, and I have had Trichotillomania since 4th grade - or around 9 or 10 years of age. It has been a secret. My deepest most kept secret of my life. I have only told my best friend (other than a dermatologist when I was younger, and a beautician. I never actually told her. My mother did.) in hopes that telling someone would help lift some weight off my shoulders.
My story will be at times depressing, it will probably have subpar grammar and sentence structure, and the format won't be incredibly fantastic as I have never written a blog or anything of this nature before. That being said, since none of you know me, it must be said that I say that jokingly. I like to laugh at myself and my skills, or lack there of, so that I can remember to work toward overall betterment of myself. Anyway, I digress.
This day Tuesday, March 29th, 2016 is the day, and we all know that each of us have said this 1000 times, that I stop dealing with Trichotillomania. I am sitting in my bedroom with a single dim light bulb casting its brightness on to my back. I am worn down. My motivation has been sucked out of me and I am fighting it with every last ounce of my being to accomplish anything to help me snap out of it. ***(No I am not thinking of taking my own life. The thought has never crossed my mind so please don't portray it this way.)*** I am beginning to realize that the felling I am experiencing is depression. I have never felt this before. I do not like this felling what so ever. I am physically tired.
These past few weeks have been a struggle in the battle against Trich. As of right now I have three thin/bald spots of hair on the stop of my head just forward (in the direction toward my face) of the crown and one on the right side of my head. From my point of view without a mirror I have one on the left side - one on the right - and one in the middle. They are small. Well... they aren't small. They are small compared to what I have had to deal with in the past.
The one on the left is the worst in terms of thinness. It is the newest. and about the size of half a credit card if cut from top to bottom. Fortunately I didn't pull out the follicles on most of them so they are already growing back after about a week or so. I noticed this today.
The one in the middle is growing back nicely. Or as nicely as it gets... but I haven't really pulled at this one strongly for about 6 months and it is smaller than the previous but it is still pretty obvious.
The one on the right is biggest in size. I suppose this is because I am right handed and I can lean my arm against a window and pull without anyone really noticing. It is growing back nicely as I also have not pulled this one for about 6 months as well. But you can still tell it is there as it is thinner than everywhere else on my head.
The final is on the right side of my head. I have a birth-mark where the hair grows in grey. It is about the size of a U.S. dime or nickel and usually stays bald because I tell myself to pull these instead of anywhere else as a lifeboat to avoid pulling anywhere else. Follicles almost never come out so they grow back quite quickly. It sucks to even say that I have a system down for this.
NOTE: I already feel better after having typed what I have so far. Fantastic.
I am getting hungry now. So I must stop writing for now. I will probably resume the story tonight before I sleep. I hope to write here once a day but I will not make any promises. I have tried writing blogs/journals before but I can't say I really enjoy it yet so I can't make any guarantees on the frequency I will write. Let the games begin!
I encourage everyone to write about it. This has helped me so much. Keep the image of you without trich in your mind. That's my secret. Tell yourself it ends now.
Updates: I am still finding that I will run the hair through two of my fingers to feel what the ends feel like. I DO NOT pull the hairs out. I'll take it, for now. I stopped cold turkey. Which amazes me in its own right. I am feeling great about the progress. I like to look at myself in the mirror each day and see the smallest spot (the one with the gray hair) slowly being covered. I only have one worry about my hair... Well two, but its the same. Having to go to an event on June 9th that I absolutely cannot wear a hat to. I am hoping my hair will be long enough and/or they will be grown in by then to cover the spots up. Otherwise I will have to no-guard (cut all my hair off) again.
I avoid everything I cannot wear a hat to like its the plague. In the summer I even wakeboard with a hat on with all my friends watching. When someone new asks if I want them to hold it the old friends always comment on it saying things like "he never takes that off." Then I have to come up with some witty response about how it helps me do better tricks and what not. I am the best out of them all so they just laugh.
SunnyD: Lately I have been thinking about the feeling of the bulb being pulled out then the kind of 'crunch' it makes when I bite it. It is a weird almost craving. But I just keep reminding myself about this writing and how I could actually have a date for once with a full head of hair... No girl likes a guy who wears a hat 100% of the time. It's a fact. I'm that guy.
I've already picked out hairstyles I want. When no one is around I walk around outside and feel the sun on my head without a hat. That helps me stay on track.
I have been reading about people with this disorder... God - I f#ucking hate that word even - for a really long time. I have NEVER written my feelings. Even until you and Trickster posted I assumed no one saw this but I still felt a GIANT weight off my shoulders. It is a log I can look back on and remember just how shitty I felt after pulling a hair. Which is odd because at the same time I have never been happier with my life.
I have been traveling around the world for the past two years. I have met so many fantastic people and seen more than most would ever dream of seeing. When I travel I never pulled unless something MAJOR happened.
16 days ago I finally realized what the problem we all face is: HERE IS THE KEY.
STOP LIVING WITH TRICH. Every day I found myself thinking "I hope this passes." I found solutions AROUND Trich. I was too lazy and never had enough will power to maintain freedom from it. I always gave in. Till the other day when I realized I have lived with this for 13 years. Then I just said THIS ENDS RIGHT F#CKING NOW.
My grandmother quit smoking cold turkey after 25 years. I often wonder how she did it. But I have a hit of understanding now though. YOU JUST HAVE TO FIND IT IN YOURSELF AND STOP ONCE AND FOR ALL. STOP LIVING WITH TRICH.
Sure we might relapse from time to time. But I think that is what this writing is for. For the times, like right now, when I am feeling extremely motivated and happy to know I am free. You never know, I might relapse. I'll cross that bridge when it comes. But as far as I am concerned RIGHT NOW, I AM DONE LIVING WITH THIS DISORDER or whatever it is.
I am a happy person. I always have been. Dealing with this has only made me stronger - almost invincible.
Please just find it in yourself to stop. You can do anything you want - you just have to have a reason.... FIND YOUR REASON AND DO IT. I believe the person dealing with trich is the only one who can stop it for themselves. I have never gotten psychological help, and I WILL NEVER EVER take meds. Find your reason and you will stop on your own.
Best of luck to all of us here. I wish I could meet every one of you and we could stop together. :)
Well... Yesterday I was playing with a hair and kind of tugging on it and eventually it came out. BUT no follicle or anything. So I'm not going to restart the count though. Hear me out. There are a few reasons for this.
Number 1, and most important, starting over the count would be extremely discouraging.
Number 2, I think I can allow a tolerance of 1 hair for having stopped for the longest I've stopped in over a year. I do not think this would technically be a relapse anyway. Either way I don't care what any of you think about my one hair. I have stopped. The count continues! hahahaha
I can now run my hands through my hair! This.... is.... Fantastic. I haven't been able to do that in about a year as well. People are beginning to comment telling me that they see I am letting my hair grow out for once. That is encouraging. I have almost told a couple of my friends about the disorder and how I have conquered one of the most difficult things I will probably ever face in my life time. I didn't think it was the correct time though. I'll table that for now when I have a wicked cool hair style.
Interesting note that I forgot to mention. My brother used to have Trich as well. I don't know how he stopped. My mother once told me a one day he stopped. Out of no where. I read its got some genetic characteristics but I don't believe any studies I read about trich just because usually they are speculation. Oh well.
I cannot wait to visit the girl I like. I don't think she has ever seen me without a hat on. We've been friends for around 8 years now. Thats a scary thought - but not many of my friends actually have. Pretty thrilled to know that this era is over.
I have quit pulling in the past, sometimes years at a time. But have been really struggling since the trich came back full blast about 11 yrs ago.
I keep saying this is the last hair I pull,and then it happens again.
But that is negative talk. must talk positive only.
You are an inspiration. I aim to be like you soon - pull free !
As for the progress? The smallest spot, with the gray hair, is already covered up. I trim down the gray hairs with scissors so you can't see them though the black hair. I'm 23 - I don't need gray hair. Hahaha especially when soon I can finally have stylish hair.
The top is still noticeably thin. Noticeably thin to me, rather. I know where to look though. I think if I were walking through a place with a lot of people no one would notice. But if someone were taller than me looking down in sunlight, I think they would notice easily. I think they wouldn't think anything of it, as it looks like my hair has just been parted or something maybe? Oh well. It's major progress! Each day I'm more excited about combing my hair, being outside, taking off my motorcycle helmet and not having to put on a hat before someone sees, and most importantly... Swimming. These things seem so petty to say. It's sad I've just decided to deal with this for the past 13 years. I've been beat down so much. But today I'm beating the hell out of this disorder and I'm remembering that every day.
I'm setting a goal that the first day I will not have to wear a hat in public will be by the end of this month. I can't wait till I get to the point where I can tell my closest friends what I just overcame. I won't go around telling everyone. Just one or two people. But I'm still excited to be able to tell them what I have accomplished.
Keep on keeping on!
I pull because I like the pain. Masochism... Yay!... But seriously, though that realization reveals masochistic tendencies I actually really hate pain. The the real reason I like the pain is because it introduces a distraction to a problem or feeling I'm experiencing - which ironically at times was trich itself.
The other day I was speeding down a road, listening to music loud, singing along, in a great mood, but I was late to where I was going. I began playing with a hair on the right side of my head where I almost have never pulled. I have it a little tug and let it slide through my fingers. Because I never pulled there, it hurt! But felt good in a weird way. After I pulled it for 5 minutes or so it finally came out with the follicle. I then looked at it, and dropped it. Then i checked the date to see how long it has been since I stopped pulling and realized I'm doing a fantastic job not pulling.
You see, I think too many of us discourage ourselves about trich. Then we just keep pulling. 32 days ago I said "you know what, I'm doing this... Now." And here I am.
But the other day, after I pulled out the hair, i thought that is okay, it happens, and went on with my life. I ended up pulling 4 or so more after that because the pain got my mind elsewhere but never lost confidence. I knew it might happen eventually. That's the worst so far but I'm still going strong. But my point. I realized why I pulled. That's a big step.
Hoping I will not be too far behind you. I had a major setback recently and pulled out all my new growth.
But I have not given up and trying different things to get me back on track. I too want to be rid of trich, as we all do.
Keep up the good work ! Thanks for sharing !
I am counting down the days till I can have a beer at a my favorite bar without a hat on. I'm reserving a cigar for that occasion I'm so excited. I hope your success comes with mine as well. But I do have some news.
Today was day 33. I decided to write today because I pulled a few more hairs out today. Today was different though. I started off gently tugging on one and once again I eventually pulled it out. A few minutes later without thinking I just grabbed one and pulled it out like I used to. Sure. This is a scary realization. But In the end of today I only pulled maybe 3-5 out though. I cannot let this scare me because I think when I become scared is when it actually becomes a slippery slope and I have a real relapse. So that was earlier today.
Just a few minutes ago I reflected on the day and this happening so I began to look at hair styles and proper hair care to implement once I get a good length going. This is motivation for me. Then, I went to the bathroom mirror and imagined myself with this hair style and thought "Damn you would look so good!"
Pulling hair is definitely significantly easier as the hair grows longer. More to grab on to and whatnot. This is just a brew new challenge to face. I will not punish myself for slipping on a 13 year habit. I will embrace my (for lack of a better word) small failure and continue to fight.
I feel really good right now. In order to fight the new temptation to play with my long hair I will now begin setting goals to not pull a single hair for the next 30 days. I don't think this will be difficult. This won't be a "struggle" for me per say. I just have to fight the "instinctual" action of pulling which, as trickster2011 has said, is so deeply ingrained in me. That is my biggest challenge yet.
Still going strong though! 33 days and only a few hairs? That's not bad, all things considered. I still won't be swimming confidently for a month or two at least though. These are Just more things to be excited and motivated about!
And I checked again. I can for sure go out in public without a hat on. I just want to be certain no one can see any thin spots so I will wait a couple weeks until they're covered to go out and secretly celebrate my new hair. I'm thinking this day is June 9th. I might put a picture up soon to share with everyone. If there is anything I can do to help you stop, please don't hesitate to ask.