that is how it was with me in high school.some of my classmates were totally like : no way you're trans.sometimes they wouldn't say it but i knew what they thought.they refused to call me my by my chosen name - Mihael (croatian version of english Michael).

In high school i had crushes on both girls and boys...and it puzzled everyone.i identify as queer transboy....

about the weight-i am always tired and don't exercise much,accept for the weight lifting,i do that oftenly.it annoys me when someone comments how i am fat,and my grandma always says i have fat legs,she thinks i have to be a thin lady,well i am thinking-sorry i am not that way,i am just different.

sometimes it feels to me like everyone thinks everything i do is somehow wrong.

Well the testosterone you are taking is more than likely adding bulk. I know with me when I start estrogen that I'll need to start exercising and that'll help burn weight off quite a bit. I'm already exercising though so that won't be a problem.

But yeah, high school. Don't get me started. I was invisible and I guess I preferred it. I wasn't out back then. Heck, I didn't even know who I was back then. And by that I don't mean on the gender identity level. More like "who am I? Do I want to be here? What do I want to be?" Type of thing. I didn't even fully realize I was and wanted to transition until earlier last year (was about to say this year, that'd be weird lol) I always just wanted to be normal and try to fit in, but finally realized "Why should I conform? I want to be me!" And I've been much happier ever since :) But sometimes I just want there to be somebody I can be happy with

i am not taking testosterone yet,i will start in a month or so.

you didn't know you're trans in high school? with me it was different.there was another transgender person in my high school,only she was mtf,and i ftm.and we both knew we were trans.we both asked to be called by preffered name only she was in another class where they were accepting,and in mine that wasn't the case.the difference was that i started seeing gender therapists and endochrinologist when i was 16 and she told me when she was 18 that she would go see a therapist then.i was ready to transition earlier then hjer,accept i had a problem which was that my parents were not accepting my wish to transition.

Oh I'm sorry, I thought you had mentioned earlier you were taking pills.

Anyway, let's start back in middle school. This is pretty much the pinnacle of when I really started dressing up and I guessing realizing my gender. But in 8th grade I broke my leg, and pretty much stopped dressing. Then in high school I became invisible and I pretty much just wanted to stay that way. I didn't want to put any focus on me, so I just lived a pretty normal life I guess. And then I had just been living that way so much, I just kept at it. But last year I finally realized why I wasn't happy (This was following a long period of depression) and that was because of my gender. So I began taking the steps to transition. First I start losing weight, and eventually in March I began seeing a therapist. I'm not out though with too many people, but am working on it. Not sure if I want to go out fully until after college though since I only have 1 semester left anyways

I knew since I was 3 years old; I still remember the event that slammed it home for me that I had been born in the wrong-gendered body. But I was forced to live a lie for another 42 years,.... That was a living Hell. I knew I was a guy on the inside, but never knew there were any others out there who felt the same way - until a few years ago.

It didn't help that my father - a minister in the church - informed me at age 6 that if I ever told anyone I was supposed to be a boy, he'd have me committed to an insane asylum forever. Such love,.....

Anyway, I survived all that, and am now finally figuring out who I am, and what sort of guy I want to be - and have few friends, almost no family ties anymore, and am happier than I have ever been in my entire life. I never was very social - hard to be when everyone expects you to behave as the gender you AREN'T. I still don't go out much; mostly because the only options for socializing are bars, nightclubs, or churches - none of which I care for.

I wish I had more friends close by to just hang out with and have fun together - maybe go see a movie with, or take a picnic on a nice day. Nothing major just a break from the routine. I have thought about taking courses at a community college - but my budget won't allow for it, and financial aid is out - still paying off a student loan from before. Plus, I am not so sure it'd be a good idea to take courses just so I have a chance to meet people. LOL.

i am taking pills but not hormones,i take antiepileptics and antidepressants.

I came out to my mum when i was 16 but i guess i always kind of knew...but i wasn't like sure,i was doubting it.i thought that every second or third girl out there wants to become a boy so i thought my problem was normal.i had no idea that girls liked to be girls until i was in high school,i thought they just were acting girly because the society wanted them to,i had no idea that they liked all the female stuff,for example make up,high heels and purses.it sounds as if i was stupid but i couldn't explain it any other way.when i was 16 i finally learned i was trans and that it was not common to feel like you wanted to be other gender.

Oh I see. Sorry for the confusion.

My mom doesn't know yet. I believe she's in denial, but she'll know for sure soon enough. People are just people. I tried to be normal for a while, but that led me to being depressed. I think you have people that just want to be seen as normal by society, and others who are just born that way. That's why they say college is the time to experiment I guess.

I never understood all that girl-stuff myself; I had an older sister who was feminine but not overly girly if you know what I mean. I was more in tune with my older brothers and their interests.

Most of my childhood, my mom kept on hoping I would outgrow the "tomboy" phase, but when I never did, she began to wonder why,.... and eventually began asking me questions about my sexuality - or apparent lack of one as I grew into my late teens. Mom noticed I never dated, showed no interest in dating, and showed no interest in being feminine. She'd ask me if I felt attracted to boys, and when I laughed and said no, she asked if I felt attracted to girls; and when I laughed and told her no, she got confused. I told her I didn't feel attracted to either - not entirely true, as my body reacted to some people, but my mind reacted to others; but I never felt completely attracted to anyone - it was like my mind and body never agreed on who/what was attractive to me. I now understand that it was the disagreement between gender ID and physical gender that caused the confusion and general lack of interest.

Remember, my Mom grew up in a time when anything other than straight male and straight female was NEVER mentioned. Yet she was open to the idea, and even sought to understand me before either of us knew what was going on with me. She's nearly 80 now, and is the only one in my family who accepts me as I am, and actively tries to use correct pronouns and my chosen, legal name.

I got good at dressing feminine - even though I hated it with a passion - and I did quite well in acting/drama classes in school. After all, I was wearing a mask and costume every second of my life, so how hard could it be to put on ANOTHER act? I was forced at 17 to begin wearing high heels and make-up, get my ears pierced, and wear more skirts when out in public. I hated every second of it, but had to comply or face parental wrath. Everybody told me I looked beautiful all dressed up as a young woman - and I wanted to snarl and rip free of those blasted dresses!!

At last I found an escape - I entered the USMC. No being forced to look girly there! Well, not until they issued dress uniforms, late in training. When I got out, I recovered from having a shoulder rebuilt, and left for college, where I could dress as I pleased - and I discovered I didn't have to be like everyone expected me to be.

It wasn't until after college that I became friends with people who were LBGQ; and half of them figured I was a "closet" one of them. No one seemed to know about Transgender people even then,... though eventually one gay friend finally understood I wasn't lesbian, and asked me how I saw myself. When I told him I had always been a guy inside, he sat back, blinked and smiled, then said, "OH! You're transgender!" and left it at that. He apparently told the rest of the LGBQ community who knew me, and they all quit hitting on me,... more or less. But I didn't know what the word transgender meant until a few years later.... when I saw a National Geographic special about it. THEN it clicked.

After college is when I went into a Goodwill store and shopped for my first men's suit. I found one that fit, and it even looked good on me; got a tie - I always knew how to tie a necktie, even as a kid - and a oxford shirt. Some men's dress shoes - all from Goodwill or yard sales - and I looked every bit a man..... a fat man with big "man boobs"; but a man.... without an adam's apple. I wore it as a "costume" while I was playing in a LARP(Live Action Role Play game) where I was some male character,.... and the same gay friend didn't recognize me, and was smitten by how good I looked - to him - from across the room. After he had been drooling over me all night, he finally approached close enough to hear my voice - and recognized me. He cornered me after the game and told me how attracted he had been to me in a suit, and encouraged me to dress up in one more often.

Unfortunately, I wore the suit home.... and my father saw me in it, had a fit, and when I put it away, he snuck in and took it, ripped it to pieces, and burned it. He chewed me out over having worn a guy's suit in public, and bellowed at me for hours, in a total rage. Remember, I was graduated from college, in my 20's, a full adult - and my controlling father was still trying to run my life. When he finally ran out of steam, I smiled sweetly at him and told him that when he died, I was going to attend his funeral - just so I could dance on his grave! He exploded, but I walked out and left him bellowing to an empty room.(I discovered later that he sold his and Mom's cemetary plots after that, and pre-paid for them both to be cremated - to prevent me from dancing on his grave!)

I moved out shortly thereafter, into an apartment with a friend. She didn't care how I dressed, and even helped me shop for men's suits at second-hand clothing stores. She was bi, and had fled an abusive marriage. I think it made her happy to help me dress the way I wanted and try to help me look good too. I know I am grateful for her help and her friendship.

I finally "came out" to my Mom when I was about 45 to 46.... and her response was, "Well, that does explain a lot!" . My father had died a few years before; I doubt he would have been able to accept my transformation at all. I had the first surgeries within a month or so of telling my mom; then I was living full time as a man. I'm almost 48 now, but I feel like I'm maybe 16 to 18 years old, just getting used to the T and how it alters my reactions and thinking. For the first several months on T, I had a hard time going out even to get groceries - I'd get distracted by all the females walking around! I had to really watch myself and mentally put on blinders so I could avoid getting myself into trouble by saying the wrong things or eyeing the wrong ladies when I was supposed to be getting groceries or doing other shopping or running errands.

THEN,... a few ladies started noticing ME. I never expected that. Worse, I never expected that it would be YOUNGER ladies who noticed me - grey hair, fat, and all. After the third time a young lady came up and flirted with me in the grocery store, I finally realized I was being flirted with! Me, overweight, obviously(I thought) older, me. It was weird. It gave me a bit of an ego boost, too, but it took getting used to. BEFORE, I'd been hit on by guys, sure. But this was different,... because I WANTED this attention. I just couldn't believe it. Kept telling myself I was imagining it. And kept telling myself I was old enough to be father to most of those young ladies who were flirting with me. Finally, when one young lady was flirting with me, I asked her how old she thought I was - and she said, "About 20, maybe 22 years old." I almost choked; but smiled and turned it into a laugh, and said, "Thank you for the compliment, but I'm actually 47." She stared, laughed, and said, "Wow, you don't look that old! I'm 18; I thought you were just a little older than me!" We laughed, and she kept flirting with me until I entered the checkout line. I got home, and found myself looking in the mirror, wondering how old I really look to other people.

As a test, i went to a community college and hung out in the library, reading random books, glancing up and smiling as people went by. A few minutes into this, a younger guy sat near me, and said, "Dude, if you want to pick up chicks, carry a camera, or a guitar. Chicks love guys with cameras or instruments." I smiled and said, "Really? I thought they liked artists." He laughed, and said, "Yeah, but it's easier to carry a camera or a guitar around than a painting easel." He winked, took out his camera, and in seconds a cluster of young ladies had gathered around him. He eventually left with his cluster of groupies, after turning back to me and saying, "See?"

A little later, a few young ladies sat near me and began flirting with me. I eventually asked them how old they'd say I was, and when they decided I was about 20, I smiled and flirted back, eventually leaving under the guise of having to get to class.

Now, I feel odd, knowing that most of the ladies who seem attracted to me are much younger than I am - and I don't get why, even when they think I'm not much older than they are. The few times I have told them my correct age, it has not frightened any of them off. Mind you, I am not the one who approaches THEM - they are the ones approaching me. I thought they might get creeped out by knowing my real age, but no, it doesn't stop them. Of course I ALSO thought my weight might turn them off, but they approach me despite my extra poundage.

Sadly, I don't think any of the ladies want to be friends.... they have something else in mind, I can see it in their eyes. Now, the few young guys who've stopped by to offer advice might become friends if they see me around more; but they too seem to think I'm about their age; and likely would be confused if they discovered my true age - given my apparent lack of experience in "picking up ladies" - which seems to be the main goal of guys in their late teens and early twenties.

So, again, I am not having much luck making friends; oddly, though, I do seem to have better luck being picked up by younger ladies who mistakenly think I am about their age or slightly older. It feels strange when that happens. I mean, yeah, I enjoy the attention; but..... I could be their father! And even when they know my age, they keep on flirting. Is this the usual way of things these days? LOL - I want to make friends, but the guys are focused on making time with the ladies, and the ladies seem focused on making time with the guys. Does no one see all the grey in my hair? Do I really come across as being so much younger than I am? I don't know; likely I never will know.

Most guys I know of who are my age either have families of their own, or friends they hang out with, or both. Me, I'm a loner, with no way into a group. I guess I could try finding a group of veterans my age to hang with,... but again, most my age have groups of friends and families to hang with. And might be dangerous if they discovered I am transgender.

I do have a group I participate in from time to time, it's a hobby-based group. I'm a member in the SCA(Society for Creative Anachronisms), a medieval re-enactment group - think RennFaire, only historically more accurate. Most of them don't care what you are or do in real life. I also sometimes still participate in a LARP(Live Action Role Play) group, but that's less frequent. Then, there is another hobby-based group I have been thinking about joining,.... called NERO; a bit closer to the RennFair sort, only more fun.

So, yes, it is hard to make friends as a transgender who isn't into the bars and nightclubs, or religious groups. But then, it was always hard for me to make friends.... even before. But if you have a hobby, look around and see if there is a hobby-based group in your area, and give it a shot.

And yes, I write a lot, when I think I have something to say. Maybe I "Share" too much here. But so often, I have had to keep everything to myself, for so very long. I get tired of biting my tongue and keeping to myself. If I can't speak freely here, then there really is nowhere I can.

yep spent new years alone also. it sucks to not have a life and good friends.

Joe- Whoa. Just whoa. Not that you wrote a lot, the entire story. Quit biting your tongue and write a novel! There were so many ups and downs in only that, you might have one heck of an autobiography there. I don't know if that's how women are too be honest, sure there are probably many in college just looking for a good time, but at my school, you really don't see that too often. Seems more like everyone just wants to get it over with. And you may by 47 with greys, but I'm actually 23, and I've had greys since I was 20 at least. Comes from my genes. I'm used to being avoided.

I think may it was just your confidence. You were in the body you want to be in and felt better about it. People can see that in others. More comfortable you are with your appearance and look, the more others are too.

Rpd- It's a real bummer and it does suck. Maybe if dailystrength had a chatroom we all could spent new years together. But then again, you look at most of the other groups here, and people are hitting on others like crazy. Or they just want to complain and don't really care to take others words of advice. So I can't complain as to why there isn't a chatroom here. But Happy New Years :)

there should be a group here on DS for everyone who spents new year without friends.....maybe it's more of us then we think.but yeah,there is many ppl who don't take stuff seriously or complain too much....
about trans stuff-i have given 2 interviews about being trans and have been on tv in audience in a tv-show that talked about living life in the wrong body.

Wow that's pretty cool :) I was interviewed last summer about this type of small bombing that was going on around my neighborhood. I was wearing makeup and also had therapy before that, but luckily I had gone home to change before heading out, so I wasn't dressed up much. It's pretty fun being on tv and watching yourself

i answer now,cause i had a flu and wasn't online for a while.
yes,it's pretty fun to watch yourself on tv,i have also watched myself in a youtube video when some of my trans friends were having interviews although in that video i didn't see myself much.

That's not a bad thing either sometimes lol. Like especially when you don't know you're going to be filmed. Then you just sit there and see yourself and think "I look terrible" lol even though that may not be the case :)

on youtube video i can barely see my self but on tv episode camera was much more on me and when i was beeing on the show all i could think was : "omg,i'm going to look terrible" or "is my hair messy" or "how does my shirt looks?" but on the end i looked good ,i was afraid for no reason,although on photos i sometimes look terrible lol :) the biggest thing however that concerned me was that i would get epi seizure but thankfully it didn't happen....

the problems i usually have in life are not cameras but not passing as a guy.especially what i hate is when my mum introduces me to someone as her little girl....GRRRR!! People are sometimes not sure what i am and instead of her(mum) saying : here is my son-she says -oh look how my daughter grew a lot or something like that.why?? she always says that she is embaressed to say to anyone that she has a transgender child.also she forgets that now i'm 19 and in my country you are considered grown up at 18.and that she can't choose who i am anymore,i have a right on my own identity,especially now,when i'm old enough.