I think you have a validate point JC. My man is a virile sexy man. We both miss the intimacy. I am willing but he feels guilty to cause me more pain . Let's face it it does. Sometime I fake it and it is spontaneous but then after the pain I can't hide and he feels so bad for me. We are learning the cuddles and the hugs and the little thinks are wha we have.

It makes me so sad. I feel he deservervs so much more. He says he would have only me and having me is enough. He knows my frustrations. We wish for more and cling to what we have. Someday will be better and we take it as I comes. Still doesn'f make it easier. Glad you brought it up.

love and peace always
hippy

Oh..thank you, Hippy.
You do knw what I mean about being sad for him.
I'm sorry you share these unhappy things, of course..
But..it's so nice to be understood.
Hugs..jc

You've both expressed that you feel for your husband having to go without sex. Do you think that as a society us women tend to think that men are incapable of going with it? I have jealousy issues and part of my thinking is that if men dont get sex they will cheat and go elsewhere.

Ive been with my man for 30 years and for 10 to 15 years, (i cant remember exactly how long) we were living a celibate life.
We were like friends living together. 3 years ago we started having sex again, we were like teenagers again, lol, but as it settled, it opened a whole can of worms that had to be dealt with.

My point is he stayed in all that time without sex with me. He could have got sex elsewhere had an affair and left me, but he didn't.
On asking him these questions and many others he simply said "I would rather have you without the sex, than a life without you"
Sex is nice but its not the be all and end all, its just the icing on a cake.

Empathy..
Of course they can..and do go without it..
Unless they choose a celibate life, though..which usually isn't part of marriage vows..
I think it's a loss for them.
I hear you on the insecurity..like I said..my husbands attractive..and pain has been ...less than kind..
To my appearance..
There aren't. Lot of men who would stay faithful, in my opinion.
Sounds like you and Hippy and I are very lucky women in that regard..:-)
Hugs..jc

It's very kind of you guys to think of your guys. It would be my opinion that as men age and naturally lose testosterone, and the live their lives in greater stress, then they become less inclined to be sexually active, regardless of how sexually attractive they are to the opposite sex. (unless they are what we term as shallow).

So what you see as a downfall of CP, may be a bit premature for him, may be also something that was going to happen sooner or later anyways.

What I'm saying, in short is, men get burnt out in later life too. But how kind of you to care. Such is life and no one said it was fair and kudos to your man for taking his lumps in life for better or for worse. You are very fortunate now go tell him so and hug the stuffing out of him so he feels real good. You would do the same for him.

What a great topic, thanks.
Enigma, tell the my DH, he's 57 and no slowing down. I do agree there is more then sex to a good relationship. as we age it is more of the love and respect, but boy do you remember those early younger days, WOW!
Jancam, I think your husband is very understanding and you have a special relationship.
Hippy, I feel guilty and know he deserves more. I When i first read your reply i thought you said " glad you got it up", oops!
I am here when he needs and sometimes even enjoy it myself. He is very understanding and gentle. I love the cuddling and Advil afterwards!
I have a hard time when he want to go out and I am too tired or sore. I am getting better just to please him, but still prefer my home then a night out..
On the attractive factor, I always say, " when I die, all the ladies lined up with be knocking, chose wisely"
I guess we are lucky to have them. I often think if the roles were reversed?? Yes definitely , I'd be here for him.

Nope Janie my husband is the one who has no problem. No lack of testosterone for this man. Enigma he is 72 and I am still waiting for that to change. For me with meds and my spine condition not much going on. Sort of exactly what J an is talking about.

I wrote in my journal about my husband running circles around me. He does. He walks two to three miles a day. He is always moving. I am so grateful for that but sometimes at 61 it makes me feel so very old that I can't keep up with this very young 72 year old.

Boy did I get it wrong. Or......, I'm thinking not so much or Viagra wouldn't have been in such high demand. The mind is wanting but the body isn't responding, is my thinking. Women aren't the only ones that have issues with aging however, I think that keeping physically fit definatly plays a positive role in maintaining stamina, and face it, some lucky guys just have it longer. Congrats to them and the women who benefit.

But, sex aside, why do men chose the women that they do? I've have asked this of both my long term relationships and got the same answer. It wasn't sex or attractiveness or any of that stuff we think it is. Both would say 'it's you' and when pushed harder, both came up with something they needed in their life. Something that they thought was precious to them. Everything else was a bonus.

Oh..no doubt, Angela..
We had great sex for yrs before I got so sick..
But..I think the main attraction for my husband was how perfect I thought he was!!! .. :-) :-) :-)
Of course I assume his drive has changed..we're a lot older now..
But..he still has desires...he is only 53.

I've heard of so many relationships ending because of CP..
I wonder if this plays a part in those endings?

Anyway..thanks for talking about this y'all.
Hugs..jc

i know this is an oldie i'm bumping, but i just wanted to say that in reflection, i chose not to have sex for very different reasons. the emotional pain in the relationship was too much. after he had assaulted me the second time in nov. 09, i just never trusted him. without that trust we would often go 6 months until i felt close enough to do it for him. this last assault in june, he was so drunk that he let it all out about how he was going to find a real woman instead of a disabled piece of shit like me and he was going to get all the fucking he deserved, i spit in his face at that point since he was holding me down after he's broken one table with my back and my neck was hanging from a second, low television table. that's when he almost paralyzed me.

i don't buy it at all that men simply cannot survive without sex. i mean, he's alive still, right? it had been a huge source of contention though for a very long time for us and the more he would beg, bargain or insist the less likely i was to be turned on at all. mostly his method of foreplay made me feel like meat and without much trust or love (being in love anyway, there's still love and care) or communication, for some reason i couldn't get turned on, imagine... and i knew it wouldn't end well, it never did to reject his demands, but i couldn't do it.

people choose to abuse and knowing that just really added to my own anger. there's no excuse for his "lapses in control." and as we discussed some of the deal breakers leading up to our separation and divorce he felt fine and justified admitting that the lack of sex and my disability and how it added to his share of the housework were just things he could not handle.

so you guys are a lucky bunch. i made a poor decision and got poor results, but you're all very lucky to have non abusive, real men who love you. there are so many things that contribute to a lagging female sex drive, the pain is a huge one and so are the anti-depressants some of us take. the simple decrease of estrogen is fair game, of course, as well. but, you're with men who love you and would rather understand you than run away from you or beat you to a pulp over their grievances.

as someone mentioned, personal intimacy runs a full spectrum of activities. when you can't make love you can most likely hold hands or snuggle up with a movie. hugs, the real life equivalent of what we give each other here mean a lot and so do kisses. intimacy is really important in a marriage, but sexual intimacy isn't the only sort.

that said, your men are lucky as well to have wives who care and think about their desires even if they cannot always fulfill them. you're a fabulous bunch of women and your relationships seem very sound.

i hope that someday, a long time from now i can have something like what you all have. but, it will be quite a while before i'm ready.

Yolkyjen..
I hope you will, too..I KNOW you deserve it.

I've had my fair share of abusive relationships..and I do mean abusive as in as you've described..

I don't know why I got so very lucky in this last relationship of my life...
But..I'm ALWAYS grateful for him.

You're going to have that..I think you will never settle for less.
Luv n hugs..jc

im glad this topic has come up. Ive been with my bf for 6 years..hes amazing and stuck with me through everything. But were 23 and sex is so difficult. he doesnt want to hurt me bless him and us being so young..i feel so bad

Ladies... i appreciate the honesty shared here and, the compassion you all have for your husbands, boyfriends (not directed at abusive ones, of course)

I often forget as I have been single for so long, how much this is an important part of a relationship. I have always found intimacy to be my true need in a relationship. Intimacy... someone putting their hand in the small of my back as they plant a kiss on my forehead or lips; someone who knows what I am thinking just by a look or smirk on my face; someone who provides strength and partnership to my life.

For me, sex has always been a nice part of a relationship. I certainly enjoyed it and, I always had a very healthy sex life. However, sex for me is not as critical as the intimacy that I speak of.

I am so glad that your counterparts seem to be far more concerned with your levels of pain and abilities to sexually connect. It sounds to me as they are feeling the same as you are...wanting to desperately put their partners' needs above their own... That is what a good partnership is all about.

I am glad that this subject came up JC... I know that some of our male friends who share CP have the same feelings of failure and dissapointment that you are having. I think as men...it is a little harder on them. They are supposed to be "the strong one" & the one who "preforms" with vigor/virility as a sign of Alpha-male domination.
When they have CP, when they cannot preform, when they hurt too much to "take the lead"...it is sooo very difficult and such a blow to them as well.

Personally, the grass is always greener on the other side for me. I am jealous that you have such wonderful partners. Heck, I am jealous that you have a partner at all! Even without sexual relations... that intimacy that I find so important is still present, still available, regardless of CP.

Much love and many hus to all of you!

jan i hate knowing that anyone else has been so unfortunate to be around a controlling, entitled and abusive person, but while involved in an intimate relationship or where children are involved, flat out makes me physically ill.

i'm way non-plussed to know that you know what i know and have seen and been where i have, but it makes me feel a little less alone. it's so rampant and there are many places to get support. i feel like the divorce is my best support and since i don't have a friend in person to talk about it with that understands in a first hand way... if it's not too difficult, i'd be interested in hearing what abuse did to you.

i'm thrilled that your life turned around. it does offer some hope.

with opal so young, it will be quite a while before i allow another man in my life. i'm not interested in complicating her world anymore than i already have.

superd, i've been missing the real intimacy for so long. i was alone with him for about two and a half years. i never seemed to get over him shattering both bones in my wrist, lying to the police and getting me arrested for 17 hours while i was still nursing our daughter.

wonder why? finally being alone with him gone (versus being alone with him around) is revealing how much i really miss affection, for how long i've missed it and leaves me uncomfortable about my decision making in this area.... i think that's why i have to put it all the way out of the picture for a long time.

it means a huge break in pattern for me, but i didn't have a daughter before. its in her best interest that i learn to deal with the issues that led me down the path of crap that i've had to call my life. i already have a pretty wide angle on it, but more introspection couldn't hurt.