This one is too funny to not forward.

My flight was being served by an obviously gay flight attendant, who seemed to put everyone in a good mood as he served us food and drinks.

As the plane prepared to descend, he came swishing down the aisle and told us that 'Captain Marvey has asked me to announce that he'll be landing the big scary plane shortly, so lovely people, if you could just put your trays up, that would be super.'


On his trip back up the aisle, he noticed this well-dressed and rather Arabic looking woman hadn't moved a muscle.

'Perhaps you didn't hear me over those big brute engines but I asked you to raise your trazy-poo, so the main man can pitty-pat us on the ground.'

She calmly turned her head and said, 'In my country, I am called a Princess and I take orders from no one.'

To which (I swear) the flight attendant replied, without missing a beat, 'Well, sweet-cheeks, in my country I'm called a Queen, so I outrank you.

Tray-up, Bitch.'

These are cheap, amazingly simple, and very effective solutions to everyday problems:

> 1. AVOID CUTTING YOURSELF WHEN SLICING VEGETA B LES B Y GETTING
> SOMEONE ELSE TO HOLD THE VEGETA B LES WHILE YOU CHOP.
>
> 2. AVOID ARGUMENTS WITH THE FEMALES A B OUT LIFTING THE
> TOILET SEAT B Y USING THE SINK.
>
> 3. FOR HIGH B LOOD PRESSURE SUFFERERS ~ SIMPLY CUT YOURSELF
> AND B LEED FOR A FEW MINUTES, THUS REDUCING THE PRESSURE ON
> YOUR VEINS. REMEM B ER TO USE A TIMER.
>
> 4. A MOUSE TRAP PLACED ON TOP OF YOUR ALARM CLOCK WILL
> PREVENT YOU FROM ROLLING OVER AND GOING B ACK TO SLEEP AFTER
> YOU HIT THE SNOOZE B UTTON.
>
> 5. IF YOU HAVE A B AD COLD AND COUGH, TAKE A LARGE DOSE OF >LAXATIVES.
> YOU'LL STILL HAVE THE COLD, B UT YOU'LL B E AFRAID TO COUGH.
>
> 6. YOU ONLY NEED TWO TOOLS IN LIFE - WD-40 AND DUCT TAPE.
> IF IT DOESN'T MOVE AND SHOULD, USE THE WD-40. IF IT
> SHOULDN'T MOVE AND DOES, USE THE DUCT TAPE.
>
> 7. IF YOU CAN'T FIX IT WITH A HAMMER, YOU'VE GOT AN
> ELECTRICAL PRO B LEM.
>
> DAILY THOUGHT: SOME PEOPLE ARE LIKE SLINKIES - NOT REALLY
> GOOD FOR ANYTHING, B UT THEY B RING A SMILE TO YOUR FACE WHEN
> PUSHED DOWN THE STAIRS

Zen Sarcasm




















1. Do not walk behind me, for I
may not lead. Do not walk ahead of
me, for I may not follow. Do not
walk beside me either. Just pretty
much leave me alone.

2. The journey of a thousand miles
begins with a broken fan belt or a
leaky tire.

3. It's always darkest before dawn , so
if you're going to steal your
neighbor's newspaper, that's the
time to do it.

4. Don't be irreplaceable. If you can't
be replaced, you can't be promoted.

5. Always remember that you're
unique. Just like everyone else.

6. Never test the depth of the water with both feet.

7. If you think nobody cares if you 're
alive, try missing a couple of car
payments.

8. Before you criticize someone, you
should walk a mile in their shoes.
That way, when you criticize them,
you're a mile away and you have
their shoes.

9. If at first you don't succeed......
skydiving is not for you.

10. Give a man a fish and he will eat
for a day. Teach him how to fish,
and he will sit in a boat and drink
beer all day.

11. If you tell the truth, you don't
have to remember anything.

12. Some days you're the bug, some
days you're the windshield.

13. Everyone seems normal until you
get to know them.

14. The quickest way to double your
money is to fold it in half and put
it back in your pocket.

15. A closed mouth gathers no foot.

16. Duct tape is like 'The Force'. It
has a light side and a dark side,
and it holds the universe together.

17. There are two theories to arguing
with a woman - Neither one
works.

18. Generally speaking, you aren't
learning much when your lips are
moving.

19. Experience is something you don't
get until just after you need it.

20. Never, under any circumstances,
take a sleeping pill and a laxative at the same time

Ten Peeves that Dogs Have About Humans

1
Blaming your farts on me.....
not funny... not funny at all !!!


--------------------------------------------------

2
Yelling at me for barking.
I'M A FRIGGIN' DOG


--------------------------------------------------

3
Taking me for a walk, then
not letting me check stuff out.
Exactly whose walk is this anyway?


--------------------------------------------------

4
Any trick that involves balancing
food on my nose. Stop it!


--------------------------------------------------

5
Any haircut that involves bows or ribbons.
Now you know why we chew your stuff
up when you're not home.




--------------------------------------------------

6

The sleight of hand, fake fetch throw.
You fooled a dog! Woooo Hoooooooo what
a proud moment for the top of the food chain.


--------------------------------------------------

7
Taking me to the vet for 'the big snip',
then acting surprised when I freak
out every time we go back!





--------------------------------------------------

8
Getting upset when I sniff
the crotches of your guests.
Sorry, but I haven't quite mastered
that handshake thing yet.




--------------------------------------------------

9
Dog sweaters. Hello ???
Haven't you noticed the fur?

--------------------------------------------------

10
How you act disgusted when I lick myself.
Look, we both know the truth. You're just jealous.


--------------------------------------------------

Now lay off me on some of these things.
We both know who's boss here!
You don't see me picking up your poop do you?

A woman went to her doctor for advice. She told him that her husband had developed a penchant for anal sex, and she was not sure that it was such a good idea. "Do you enjoy it?" the doctor asked. "Actually, yes, I do."

"Does it hurt you?" he asked.

"No. I rather like it."

"Well, then," the doctor continued, "there's no reason that you shouldn't practice anal sex, if that's what you like, so long as you
take care not to get pregnant."

The woman was mystified. "What? You can get pregnant from anal sex?"

"Of course," the doctor replied. "Where do you think politicians come from?"

Blonde Cookbook



It's fun to cook for Tom. Today I made angel food cake. The recipe said beat 12 eggs separately. The neighbors were nice enough to loan me some extra bowls.


Tom wanted fruit salad for supper. The recipe said serve without dressing. So I didn't dress. What a surprise when Tom brought a friend home for supper




A good day for rice. The recipe said wash thoroughly before steaming the rice. It seemed kind of silly but I took a bath anyway. I can't say it improved the rice any.




Today Tom asked for salad again I tried a new recipe. It said prepare ingredients; lay on a bed of lettuce one hour before serving. Tom asked me why I was rolling around in the garden..




I found an easy recipe for cookies. It said put the ingredients in a bowl and beat it. There must have been something wrong with this recipe. When I got back, everything was the same as when I left.



Tom did the shopping today and brought home a chicken. He asked me to dress it for Sunday. I don't have any clothes that fit it, and for some reason Tom keeps counting to ten.




Tom's folks came to dinner. I wanted to serve roast but all I had was hamburger. Suddenly I had a flash of genius.. I put the hamburger in the oven and set the controls for roast. It still came out hamburger, much to my disappointment.




GOOD NIGHT DEAR DIARY. This has been a very exciting week! I am eager for tomorrow to come so I can try out a new recipe on Tom. If I can talk Tom into buying a bigger oven, I would like to surprise him with a chocolate moose.






A blonde goes into a coffee shop and notices there's

A 'peel and win' sticker on her coffee cup.



So she peels it off and starts screaming,

'I've won a motorhome!

I've won a motorhome!'



The waitress says, 'That's impossible.

The biggest prize is a free Lunch.?'



But the blonde keeps on screaming,

'I've won a motorhome!

I've won a motorhome!'



Finally, the manager comes over and says,

'Ma'am, I'm sorry, but you're mistaken.

You couldn't have possibly won a motorhome

Because we didn't have that as a prize.



The blonde says, 'No, it's not a mistake.

I've won a motorhome!'



And she hands the ticket to the

Manager and HE reads...










(YOU'RE GOING TO LOVE THIS !!!!!! . I PROMISE !)















'W I N A B A G E L'

Top 17 Bumper Stickers You Would Like To See

Jesus loves you...but everyone else thinks you are an ass.

Impotence...Nature's way of saying "No hard feelings,"

The proctologist called ...they found your head.

Everyone has a photographic memory ...some just don't have any film.

Save your breath...You'll need it to blow up your date.

Your ridiculous little opinion has been noted.

I used to have a handle on life...but it broke off.

WANTED: Meaningful overnight relationship.

Guys...just because you have one, doesn't mean you have to be one.

Some people just don't know how to drive...I call these people "Everybody But Me,"

Heart Attacks...God's revenge for eating His animal friends.

Don't like my driving? Then quit watching me.

If you can read this...I can slam on my brakes and sue you.

Some people are only alive because it is illegal to shoot them.

Try not to let your mind wander...It is too small and fragile to be outby itself.

If your gonna ride my ass, you could at least pull my hair!!

And The Number One Bumper Sticker you'd Like To See!!

Welcome to America ...now speak English

In 1986, Peter Davies was on holiday in Kenya after graduating from Northwestern University. On a hike through the bush, he came across a young bull elephant standing with one leg raised in the air. The elephant seemed distressed, so Peter approached it very carefully. He got down on one knee and inspected the elephant's foot and found a large piece of wood deeply embedded in it. As carefully and as gently as he could, Peter worked the wood out with his hunting knife, after which the elephant gingerly put down its foot. The elephant turned to face the man, and with a rather curious look on its face, stared at him for several tense moments. Peter stood frozen, thinking of nothing else but being trampled. Eventually the elephant trumpeted loudly, turned, and walked away. Peter never forgot that elephant or the events of that day. Twenty years later, Peter was walking through the Chicago Zoo with his teenaged son. As they approached the elephant enclosure, one of the creatures turned and walked over to near where Peter and his son Cameron were standing. The large bull elephant stared at Peter, lifted its front foot off the ground, then put it down. The elephant did that several times then trumpeted loudly, all the while staring at the man. Remembering the encounter in 1986, Peter couldn't help wondering if this was the same elephant. Peter summoned up his courage, climbed over the railing and made his way into the enclosure. He walked right up to the elephant and stared back in wonder. The elephant trumpeted again, wrapped its trunk around one of Peter legs and slammed his stupid ass against the railing, killing him instantly. Probably wasn't the same elephant. This is for all those people who send those heart-warming stories. LMAO GREAT BIG OLE GRIZZLY BEAR HUGGGZZZZZZZZ SQUISHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH

Two California Highway Patrol Officers were conducting speeding
enforcement on I-15, just north of the Marine Corps Air Station at Miramar. On of the officers was using a hand held radar device to check speeding vehicles approaching the crest of the hill.

The officers were suddenly surprised when the radar gun began reading 300 miles per hour. The officer attempted to reset the radar gun but it would not reset and then turned off.

Just then a deafening roar over the treetops revealed that the radar had in fact locked on to a USMC F/A-18 Hornet which was engaged in low flying exercise near the location.

Back at CHP Headquarters the Patrol Captain fired off a complaint to the USMC commander. The reply came back in true USMC style:

Thank you for your letter. We can now complete the file on this incident. You may be interested to know that the tactical computer in the Hornet had detected the presence of, and subsequently locked on to, your hostile radar equipment and automatically sent a jamming signal back to it, which is why it shut down.

Furthermore, an Air to Ground missile aboard the fully armed aircraft had also automatically locked on to your equipment location.
Fortunately, the Marine Pilot flying the Hornet recognized the situation for what it was, quickly responded to the missile system alert status and was able to override the automated defense system before the missile was launched to destroy the hostile radar position.

The pilot also suggests you cover your mouths when cussing at them, since the video systems on these jets are very high tech. Sergeant Johnson, the officer holding the radar gun, should get his dentist to check the left rear molar. It appears the filling is loose. Also the snap is broken on his holster.

Thank you for your concern. Semper Fi