A woman walked into the kitchen to find her husband stalking around with a fly swatter.

"What are you doing?" She asked.

"Hunting Flies" He responded.

"Oh ! Killing any?" She asked

"Yep, 3 males, 2 Females," he replied.

Intrigued, she asked.
"How can you tell them apart?"


He responded,


"3 were on a beer can,
2 were on the phone

LITTLE RALPHY ON MATH



A teacher asks her class, 'If there are 5 birds sitting on a fence and you shoot one of them, how many will be left?'
She calls on little Ralphy.





He replies, 'None, they will all fly away with the first gunshot.'





The teacher replies, 'The correct answer is 4, but I like your thinking.'





Then little RALPHY says, 'I have a question for YOU.





There are 3 women sitting on a bench having ice cream:





One is delicately licking the sides of the triple scoop of ice cream.
The second is gobbling down the top and sucking the cone.





The third is biting off the top of the ice cream.
Which one is married?'





The teacher, blushing a great deal, replied, 'Well, I suppose the one that's gobbled down the top and sucked the cone.'





To which Little RALPHY replied, 'The correct answer is 'the one with the wedding ring on,' but I like your thinking.'






>LITTLE RALPHY ON MATH (Part 2)






Little RALPHY returns from school and says he got an F in arithmetic.





Why?' asks the father?





'The teacher asked 'How much is 2x3,'' I said '6', replies RALPHY.





'But that's right!' says his dad.





'Yeah, but then she asked me 'How much is 3x2?''





'What's the f...... difference?' asks the father.





'That's what I said!'







>LITTLE RALPHY ON ENGLISH






Little RALPHY goes to school, and the teacher says, 'Today we are going to learn multi-syllable words, class. Does anybody have an example of a multi-syllable word?'





RALPHY says 'Mas-tur-bate.'





Miss Rogers smiles and says, 'Wow, little RALPHY, that's a mouthful.'





Little RALPHY says, 'No, Miss Rogers, you're thinking of a blowjob.'







LITTLE RALPHY ON GRAMMAR






Little RALPHY was sitting in class one day.
All of a sudden, he needed to go to the toilet.
H e yelled out, 'Miss Jones, I need to take a piss!!'





The teacher replied, 'Now, RALPHY, that is NOT the proper word to use in this situation.
The correct word you want to use is 'urinate.'
Please use the word 'ur-i-nate' in a sentence correctly, and I will allow you to go.'





Little RALPHY, thinks for a bit, and then says, 'You're an eight, but if
you had bigger tits, you'd be a TEN!'







>LITTLE RALPHY ON GRAMMAR (Part 2)






One day, during lessons on proper grammar, the teacher asked for a show of hands from those who could use the word 'beautiful' in the same sentence twice.





First, she called on little Suzie, who responded with, 'My father bought my mother a beautiful dress and she looked beautiful in it.'





'Very good, Suzie,' replied the teacher. She then called on little Michael.





'My mummy planned a beautiful banquet and it turned out beautifully.'





She said, 'Excellent, Michael!' Then the teacher reluctantly called on little RALPHY.





'Last night at the dinner table, my sister told my father that she was pregnant, and he said 'Beautiful, just f...... beautiful!''






>LITTLE RALPHY ON GETTING OLDER






Little RALPHY was sitting on a park bench munching on one candy bar after another.
After the 6th one a man on the bench across from him said, 'Son, you know eating all that candy isn't good for you. It will give you acne, rot your teeth, and make you fat.'





Little RALPHY replied, 'My grandfather lived to be 107 years old.'





The man asked, 'Did your grandfather eat 6 candy bars at a time?'
Little RALPHY answered, 'No, he minded his own f....... business.

BLONDE WALKS INTO THE DR N SAYS I THINK MY BREASTS ARE FULL OF WATER,DR SAYS WHY DO YOU THINK THAT,SHE REPLYS EVERYTIME MY BF RUBS THEM MY PANTS GET WET........LMAO

A girl from New Jersey and a girl from the west coast were seated side

> by side on an airplane.

>

> The girl from New Jersey , being friendly and all said, "So, where ya

> from?"

>

> The west coast girl said, "From a place where they know better than to

> use a preposition at the end of a sentence."

>

> The girl from New Jersey , sat quietly for a few moments and then replied:

>

> "So, where ya from.... bitch?"

TICK WARNING!

I hate it when people forward bogus warnings, and I have even done it myself a couple times unintentionally...but this one is real, and it's important. So please send this warning to everyone on your e-mail list.

If someone comes to your front door saying they are checking for ticks due to the warm weather and asks you to take your clothes off and dance around with your arms up, DO NOT DO IT!! THIS IS A SCAM!! They only want to see you naked. I wish I'd gotten this yesterday. I feel so stupid.

The Lone Ranger and Tonto went camping in the desert. After their tent is all set up, they fell sound asleep.

One hour later, Tonto wakes the Lone Ranger and says, "Kemo-Sabe, look towards sky, what you see?"

The Lone Ranger replies, "I see millions of stars."

"What that tell you?" asked Tonto.

The Lone Ranger ponders for a minute, then says, "Astronomically speaking, it tells me there are millions of galaxies and potentially millions of planets.

Astrologically, it tells me that Saturn is in Leo.

Time wise, it appears to be approximately a quarter past three in the morning.

Theologically, it's evident the Lord is all-powerful and we are small and insignificant. Meteorologically, it seems we will have a beautiful day tomorrow. What's it tell you, Tonto?"

Tonto is silent for a moment, then says, "Kemo-Sabe, you dumber than buffalo. Someone stole tent."

BLIND MAN IN A BIKER BAR

A blind man wanders into an all Girls Biker Bar by mistake.
He finds his way to a bar stool and orders some coffee. After sitting
there for awhile, he yells to the waiter, 'Hey, you wanna hear a blonde joke?'

The bar immediately falls absolutely silent. In a very deep, husky voice,
the woman next to him says, 'Before you tell that joke, sir, I think it's
only fair, given that you're blind, that you should know five things:

1) The bartender is a blonde girl with a baseball bat.
2) The bouncer is a blonde girl.
3) I'm a 6 foot tall, 175 lb. blonde woman with a black belt in karate.
4) The woman sitting next to me is blonde and a professional weightlifter.
5) The lady to your right is blonde and a professional wrestler.

Now, think about it seriously Mister, do you still wann a tell that joke?

The blind man thinks for a second, shakes his head, and mutters,
'No, not if I'm gonna have to explain it five times.

SST, you always make me giggle!! xoxoxo Cj

lmao on little ralphy!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

hey kriz, i`m still chuckling at the lone ranger too!!!!!!!!!!!

A blonde heard that milk baths would make her beautiful. She left a
note for her milkman to leave 25 gallons of milk.

When the milkman read the note, he felt there must be a mistake. He
thought she probably meant 2.5 gallons. So he knocked on the door to
clarify the point.

The blonde came to the door and the milkman said, 'I found your note
asking me to leave 25 gallons of milk. Did you mean 2.5 gallons?'
The blonde said, 'No,I want 25 gallons. I'm going to fill my bathtub up
with milk and take a milk bath so I can look young and beautiful
again.'

The milkman asked, 'Do you want it pasteurized?'


YOU ARE GOING TO LOVE THIS.....




The blonde said, 'No, just up to my tits. I can splash it on my eyes.'

Words of wisdom
>
> 1. There are two sides to every divorce: Yours and Shithead's.
>
> 2. The closest I ever got to a 4.0 in college was my blood alcohol
> content.
>
> 3. I live in my own little world but it's OK, everyone knows me
> here.
>
> 4. I saw a rather large woman wearing a sweatshirt with 'Guess' on
> it. I said," Thyroid problem?"
>
> 5. I don't do drugs 'cause I find I get the same effect just by
> standing up really fast.
>
> 6. Sign In Chinese Pet Store:" Buy one dog, get one flea..."
>
> 7. Money can't buy happiness but it sure makes misery easier to
> live with
>
> 8. I got a sweater for Christmas. I really wanted a screamer or a
> moaner.
>
> 9. If flying is so safe, why do they call the airport the
> "terminal"?
>
> 10. I don't approve of political jokes. I've seen too many of them
> get elected.
>
> 11. The most precious thing we have is life, yet it has absolutely
> no trade-in value.
>
> 12. If life deals you lemons, make lemonade; if it deals you
> tomatoes, make Bloody Marys.
>
> 13. I love being married. It's so great to find that one special
> person you want to annoy for the rest of your life.
>
> 14. Shopping tip: You can get shoes for a buck at bowling alleys.
>
> 15. I am a nobody, nobody is perfect, and therefore I am perfect.
>
> 16. Everyday I beat my own previous record for number of
> consecutive days I've stayed alive.
>
> 17. That Claudia Schiffer must be a genius because I told a friend
> my plan to attain world peace, and he told me I have "Schiffer Brains."
>
> 18. No one ever says "It's only a game!" when their team is
> winning.
>
> 19. How long a minute is, depends on what side of the bathroom
> door you're on.
>
> 20. Isn't having a smoking section in a restaurant like having a
> peeing section in a swimming pool?
>
> 21. Marriage changes passion...suddenly you're in bed with a
> relative.
>
> 22. Why is it that most nudists are people you don't want to see
> naked?
>
> 23. Snowmen fall from Heaven unassembled.
>
> 24. Every time I walk into a singles bar I can hear Mom's wise
> words:
> Don't pick that up, you don't know where it's been!"

'How the Fight Started'

I rear-ended a car, this morning, on my way to work.

So there we were, standing alongside the road, steam rolling from my
punctured radiator, and slowly the other driver got out of his car.

And you know how sometimes you just get sooo-stressed-out that real-life
stuff seems to get really funny?

Yeah, well, I could NOT believe it . . . The other driver was a DWARF, only
about 3 feet tall!

So, he storms over to my car, looks up at me, and loudly proclaims, 'I AM
NOT HAPPY!'

So, I looked down at him and said, 'Okay, which one are you then?'

And THAT'S when the fight started

lmao

If you yelled for 8 years, 7 months and 6 days you would have produced enough sound energy to heat one cup of coffee.
(Hardly seems worth it.)


If you farted consistently for 6 years and 9 months, enough gas is produced to create the energy of an atomic bomb.
(Now that's more like it!)









The human heart creates enough pressure when it pumps out to the body to squirt blood 30 feet.
(O.M.G.!)







A pig's orgasm lasts 30 minutes.
(In my next life, I want to be a pig.)








A cockroach will live nine days without its head before it starves to death. (Creepy.)
(I'm still not over the pig.)










Banging your head against a wall uses 150 calories an hour



(Don't try this at home, maybe at work)










The male praying mantis cannot copulate while its head is attached to its body. The female initiates sex by ripping the male's head off.
(Honey, I'm home. What the...?!)















The flea can jump 350 times its body length. It's like a human jumping the length of a football field.
(30 minutes..lucky pig! Can you imagine?)

The catfish has over 27,000 taste buds.



(What could be so tasty on the bottom of a pond?)










Some lions mate over 50 times a day.
(I still want to be a pig in my next life...quality over quantity)



Butterflies taste with their feet.


(Something I always wanted to know.)



The strongest muscle in the body is the tongue. (Hmmmmmm......)








Right-handed people live, on average, nine years longer than left-handed people.

(If you're ambidextrous, do you split the difference?)




Elephants are the only animals that cannot jump.
(Okay, so that would be a good thing)



A cat's urine glows under a black light.



(I wonder who was paid to figure that out?)
An ostrich's eye is bigger than its brain.



( I know some people like that)

Starfish have no brains


(I know some people like that too.)


Polar bears are left-handed.
(If they switch, they'll live a lot longer)




Humans and dolphins are the only species that have sex for pleasure.

(Hey what about that pig??)

Now that you've smiled at least once, it's your turn to spread these crazy facts and send this to someone you want to bring a smile to, maybe even a chuckle.

In other words, send it to everyone !
(and God love that pig!)