Childbirth at 65


With all the new technology regarding fertility recently, a 65-year-old friend of mine was able to give birth. When she was discharged from the hospital and went home, I went to visit.

'May I see the new baby?' I asked

'Not yet,' She said 'I'll make coffee and we can visit for a while first.'

Thirty minutes had passed, and I asked, 'May I see the new baby now?'

'No, not yet,' She said.

After another few minutes had elapsed,

I asked again, 'May I see the baby now?'

'No, not yet,' replied my friend.

Growing very impatient, I asked, 'Well, when can I see the baby?'

'WHEN HE CRIES!' she told me.

'WHEN HE CRIES?' I demanded. 'Why do I have to wait until he CRIES?'

'BECAUSE I FORGOT WHERE I PUT HIM, O.K.?!!'

Hilarious!!!!!!!!

For those who haven't heard...................

Bill Clinton's comment to Hillary on loosing the race:

"Close honey, but no cigar"

OMG~~~~~~GIGGLES!!! TO THAT ONE!!!!

Recent research shows that there are 7 kinds of sex:

The 1st kind of sex is called: Smurf Sex This kind of
Sex happens
When you first meet someone and you both have sex
Until you are blue in
The face.

The 2nd kind of sex is called: Kitchen Sex. This is
When you have
Been with your partner for a short time and you are so
Horny you will
Have sex anywhere, even in the kitchen.

The 3rd kind of sex is called: Bedroom Sex. This is
When you have
Been with your partner for a long time. Your sex has
Gotten routine and
You usually have sex only in your bedroom.

The 4th kind of sex is called: Hallway Sex. This is
When you have
Been with your partner for too long. When you pass
Each other in the
Hallway you both say "screw you."

The 5th kind of sex is called: Religious Sex, which
Means you get
Nun in the morning, Nun in the afternoon and Nun at
Night.

The 6th kind is called Courtroom Sex. This is when you
Cannot
Stand your wife any more. She takes you to court and
Screws you in front
Of everyone

And last, but not least, the 7th kind of sex is
Called: Social
Security Sex. You get a little each month.
But not enough to live on

A man takes the day off work and
>> Decides to go out golfing.
>> He is on the second hole when he
>> Notices a frog sitting next to
>> The green.
>> He thinks nothing of it and is
>>
>> about to shoot when he
>>
>> hears, Ribbit 9 Iron."
>>
>> The man looks around and doesn't
>>
>> see anyone. Again, he
>> hears, "Ribbit 9 Iron." He looks
>> at the frog and decides to
>>
>> prove the frog wrong, puts the
>> club away, and grabs a 9 iron.
>>
>> Boom!
>> He hits it 10 inches from the
>>
>> cup. He is shocked. He says
>> to the frog, "Wow that's amazing.
>>
>> You must be a lucky frog, eh?
>>
>> The frog replies, "Ribbit Lucky frog."
>> The man decides to take the frog
>> with him to the next hole.
>>
>> "What do you think frog?" the
>>
>> man asks. "Ribbit 3 wood."
>>
>> The guy takes out a 3 wood and,
>> Boom! Hole in one. The
>>
>> man is befuddled and doesn't know
>>
>> what to say. By the end
>>
>> of the day, the man golfed the
>>
>> best game of golf in his life and
>> asks the frog, "OK where to next?"
>> The frog replies, "Ribbit Las Vegas.
>>
>>
>> " They go to Las Vegas
>> and the guy says, "OK frog, now
>> what?" The frog says, "Ribbit Roulette." Upon
>> approaching the roulette table, The man
>>
>> asks, "What do you think I should
>> bet?" The frog replies, "Ribbit
>> $3000, black 6."
>>
>> Now, this is a
>> million-to-one shot to win, but
>> after the golf game the man
>>
>> figures what the heck.
>>
>> Boom! Tons of cash comes sliding back across the table.
>>
>> The man takes his winnings and
>> buys the best room in the
>> hotel. He sits the frog down and
>> says, "Frog, I don't know how to repay you.
>> You've won me all this money and
>> I am forever grateful."
>>
>> The frog replies,
>>
>> "Ribbit KissMe."
>> He figures why not,
>>
>> since after all the frog did for
>> him, he deserves it. With a
>> kiss, the frog turns into a
>> gorgeous 15-year-old girl. "And that,
>>
>> your honor, is how the girl
>>
>> ended up in my room. So help me God
>>
>>
>> or my name is not William Jefferson Clinton

a woman goes to her boyfriends parents house for dinner for the first time.
she was really nervous.
they sat down for dinner and she began having terrible gas pains. between her nerves and the broccili casserole she was starting to feel a little discomfort.gas pains are piling up and her eyes are beginning to water.
she decides to relieve herself a bit and lets out a dainty fart.
before she had a chance to be embarrssed the father leans under her chair and yelled at the family dog "skippy"!!
the woman thought, this is great! and a big smile came across her face.
a couple minuter later, she was beginning to feel the gas pains again??!
this time she didn't even hesitate. she let a much louder and longer rrriipppp.
the father once again looked at the dog and yelled "skippy"!
once again the woman thought "yes"??!! a few minutes later the woman let out another rip. this time she didn't even think about it.
she let out a fart that rivaled a train whistle blowing.
once again the father looked at the dog with disgust and yelled,
"skippy", get out from under there before she sh...ts on you!!!

A little girl asked her Mom, "Mom, may I take the dog for a walk around the block?" Mom replies, "No, because she is in heat."

"What's that mean?" asked the child.

"Go ask your father. I think he's in the garage."

The little girl goes to the garage and says, "Dad, may I take Belle for a walk around the block? I asked Mom, but she said the dog was in heat, and to come to you."

Dad said, "Bring Belle over here." He took a rag, soaked it with gasoline, and scrubbed the dog's backside with it to disguise the scent, and said
"OK, you can go now, but keep Belle on the leash and only go one time round the block.."

The little girl left and returned a few minutes later with no dog on the leash. Surprised, Dad asked, "Where's Belle?"

( YOU'RE GONNA LOVE THIS!!!!!!!!! )

The little girl said, "She ran out of gas about halfway down the block, so another dog is pushing her home."

If you ain't laffin'...
You ain't livin'

The difference between Grandma and Grandpa

>A friend, who worked away from home all week, always made a special effort
>
> with his family on the weekends. Every Sunday morning he would take his
>
> 7-year old granddaughter out for a drive in the car for some bonding time.
>
> Just he and his granddaughter.
>
>
> One particular Sunday however, he had a bad cold and really didn't feel
>
> like being up at all. Luckily, his wife came to the rescue and said that
>
> she would take their granddaughter out.
>
>
> When they returned, the little girl anxiously ran upstairs to see her
>
> grandfather. "Well, did you enjoy your ride with grandma?" "Oh yes, PaPa"
> the
>
> girl replied, "and do you know what? We didn't see a single dumb bastard
> or
>
> lousy shit head anywhere we went today!"
>
>
> Brings a tear to your eye doesn't it?

TWENTY-NINE LINES TO MAKE YOU SMILE

1. My husband and I divorced over
religious differences. He thought
he was God and I didn't.
2. I don't suffer from insanity;
I enjoy every minute of it.
3. Some people are alive only because
it's illegal to kill them.
4. I used to have a handle on life,
but it broke.



5. Don't take life too seriously;
No one gets out alive.
6. You're just jealous because the
voices only talk to me.
7. Beauty is in the eye of the beer
holder.
8. Earth is the insane asylum for the
universe.
9. I'm not a complete idiot --
Some parts are just missing



10. Out of my mind. Back in five
minutes.
11. NyQuil, the stuffy, sneezy, why-
the-heck-is-the-room-spinning
medicine.
12. God must love stupid people;
He made so many.
13. The gene pool could use a little
chlorine.
14. Consciousness: That annoying time
between naps.
15. Ever stop to think, and forget to
start again?
16. Being 'over the hill' is much better
than being under it!
17. Wrinkled was not one of the
things I wanted to be when I
grew up.
18. Procrastinate Now!



19. I Have a degree in Liberal Arts;
Do you want fries with that?
20. A hangover is the wrath of grapes.
21. A journey of a thousand miles
begins with a cash advance.
22. Stupidity is not a handicap.
Park elsewhere!
23. They call it PMS because Mad Cow
Disease was already taken.
24. He who dies with the most toys is
nonetheless DEAD.
25. A picture is worth a thousand
words, but it uses up three
thousand times the memory.
26 . Ham and eggs ... A day's work for
a chicken, a lifetime commitment
for a pig.
27. The trouble with life is there's no
background music.
28. The original point and click
interface was a Smith & Wesson.
29. I smile because I don't know what
the hell is going on.

Appreciate every single thing you have, especially your friends! Life is too short and friends are too few!

Dave Barry's Colonoscopy Journal:

I called my friend Andy Sable, a gastroenterologist, to make an appointment for a colonoscopy. A few days later, in his office, Andy showed me a color diagram of the colon, a lengthy organ that appears to go all over the place, at one point passing briefly through Minneapolis Then Andy explained the colonoscopy procedure to me in a thorough, reassuring and patient manner. I nodded thoughtfully, but I didn't really hear anything he said, because my brain was shrieking, quote, 'HE'S GOING TO STICK A TUBE 17,000 FEET UP YOUR BEHIND!"

I left Andy's office with some written instructions, and a prescription for a product called MoviPrep, which comes in a box large enough to hold a microwave oven. I will discuss MoviPrep in detail later; for now suffice it to say that we must never allow it to fall into the hands of America's enemies.

I spent the next several days productively sitting around being nervous. Then, on the day before my colonoscopy, I began my preparation. In accordance with my instructions, I didn't eat any solid food that day; all I had was chicken broth, which is basically water, only with less flavor. Then, in the evening, I took the MoviPrep. You mix two packets of powder together in a one-liter plastic jug, and then you fill it with lukewarm water. (For those unfamiliar with the metric system, a liter is about 32 gallons.) Then you have to drink the whole jug. This takes about an hour, because MoviPrep tastes - and here I am being kind - like a mixture of goat spit and urinal cleanser, with just a hint of lemon.

The instructions for MoviPrep, clearly written by somebody with a great sense of humor, state that after you drink it, 'a loose watery bowel movement may result.' This is kind of like saying that after you jump off your roof, you may experience contact with the ground.

MoviPrep is a nuclear laxative. I don't want to be too graphic, here, but: Have you ever seen a space-shuttle launch? This is pretty much the MoviPrep experience, with you as the shuttle. There are times when you wish the commode had a seat belt. You spend several hours pretty much confined to the bathroom, spurting violently. You eliminate everything. And then, when you figure you must be totally empty, you have to drink another liter of MoviPrep, at which point, as far as I can tell, your bowels travel into the future and start eliminating food that you have not even eaten yet.

After an action-packed evening, I finally got to sleep. The next morning my wife drove me to the clinic. I was very nervous. Not only was I worried about the procedure, but I had been experiencing occasional return bouts of MoviPrep spurtage. I was thinking, 'What if I spurt on Andy?' How do you apologize to a friend for something like that? Flowers would not be enough.

At the clinic I had to sign many forms acknowledging that I understood and totally agreed with whatever the heck the forms said. Then they led me to a room full of other colonoscopy people, where I went inside a little curtained
space and took off my clothes and put on one of those hospital garments designed by sadist perverts, the kind that, when you put it on, makes you feel even more naked than when you are actually naked.

Then a nurse named Eddie put a little needle in a vein in my left hand. Ordinarily I would have fainted, but Eddie was very good, and I was already lying down. Eddie also told me that some people put vodka in their MoviPrep. At first I was ticked off that I hadn't thought of this, but then I pondered what would happen if you got yourself too tipsy to make it to the bathroom, so you were staggering around in full Fire Hose Mode. You would have no choice but to burn your house.

When everything was ready, Eddie wheeled me into the procedure room, where Andy was waiting with a nurse and an anesthesiologist. I did not see the 17,000-foot tube, but I knew Andy had it hidden around there somewhere. I was seriously nervous at this point. Andy had me roll over on my left side, and the anesthesiologist began hooking something up to the needle in my hand. There was music playing in the room, and I realized that the song was 'Dancing Queen' by Abba. I remarked to Andy that, of all the songs that could be playing during this particular procedure, 'Dancing Queen' has to be the least appropriate.


'You want me to turn it up?' said Andy, from somewhere behind me. 'Ha ha,' I said. And then it was time, the moment I had been dreading for more than a decade. If you are squeamish, prepare yourself, because I am going to tell you, in explicit detail, exactly what it was like.

I have no idea. Really. I slept through it. One moment, Abba was shrieking 'Dancing Queen! Feel the beat from the tambourine' and the next moment, I was back in the other room, waking up in a very mellow mood. Andy was looking
down at me and asking me how I felt. I felt excellent. I felt even more excellent when Andy told me that it was all over, and that my colon had passed with flying colors. I have never been prouder of an internal organ. ( I would say "Cheers", but somehow the expression "Up Yours" had a more appropriate ring to it.)

Full firehouse mode...

Full firehouse mode...

This may be the best Living Will I've Seen




I, (your name) , being of sound mind and body, do not wish to be kept alive indefinitely by artificial means. Under no circumstances should my fate be put in the hands of pinhead politicians who couldn't pass ninth-grade biology if their lives depended on it, or lawyers / doctors interested in simply running up the bills. If a reasonable amount of time passes and I fail to ask for at least one of the following:

Glass of wine
chocolate
Margarita
chocolate
Martini
Cold Beer
chocolate
Chicken

fried steak
cream gravy
chocolate
Mexican food
chocolate
French fries
chocolate
Pizza
chocolate
ice cream
cup of tea
chocolate
Chocolate
Sex
Chocolate

It should be presumed that I won't ever get better. When such a determination is reached, I hereby instruct my appointed person and attending physicians to pull the plug, reel in the tubes, let the 'fat lady sing,' and call it a day!

TO: GOD

FROM: THE DOG

Dear God: Why do humans smell the flowers, but seldom, if ever, smell one another??




Dear God: When we get to heaven, can we sit on your couch? Or is it still the same old story?



Dear God: Why are there cars named after the jaguar, the cougar, the mustang, the colt, the stingray, and the rabbit, but not ONE named for a dog? How often do you see a cougar riding around? We do love a nice ride! Would it be so hard to rename the 'Chrysler Eagle' the ' Chrysler Beagle'?



Dear God: If a dog barks his head off in the forest and no human hears him, is he still a bad dog?



Dear God: We dogs can understand human verbal instructions, hand signals, whistles, horns, clickers, beepers, scent ID's, electromagnetic energy fields, and Frisbee flight paths. What do humans understand?



Dear God: More meatballs, less spaghetti, please.



Dear God: Are there mailmen in Heaven? If there are, will I have to apologize?

Dear God: Let me give you a list of just some of the things I must remember to be a good dog.

1. I will not eat the cats' food before they eat it or after they throw it up.

2. I will not roll on bunny poop, earthworms, bird poop, dead seagulls, crabs etc., just because I like the way they smell.

3. The Litter Box is not a cookie jar.

4. The sofa is not a 'face towel'.

5. The garbage collector is not stealing our stuff.

6. I will not play tug-of-war with Dad's underwear when he's on the toilet.

7. I don't need to suddenly stand straight up when I'm under the coffee table?.

8. I must shake the rainwater out of my fur before entering the house - not after.

9. I will not come in from outside and immediately drag my butt.

10. The cat is not a 'squeaky toy' so when I play with him and he makes that noise, it's usually not a good thing.?



P.S. Dear God: When I get to Heaven may I have my testicles back?