A husband and wife came for counseling after 20 years of marriage. When asked what the problem was, the wife went into a passionate, painful tirade listing every problem they had ever had in the 20 years they had been married.

She went on and on and on: neglect, lack of intimacy, emptiness, loneliness, feeling unloved and unlovable, an entire laundry list of unmet needs she had endured over the course of their marriage.

Finally, after allowing this to go on for a sufficient length of time, the therapist got up, walked around the desk and, after asking the wife to stand, embraced and kissed her passionately as her husband watched with a raised eyebrow. The woman shut up and quietly sat down as though in a daze.

The therapist turned to the husband and said, "This is what your wife needs at least three times a week. Can you do this?"

The husband thought for a moment and replied, "Well, I can drop her off here on Mondays and Wednesdays, but on Fridays, I fish."

HEY SST, I RESEMBLE THAT IRISH MEDICAL DICTIONARY, IM IRISH AND MY HUSBAND IS A GERMAN STUD, SO THAT MAKES MY BOYS STUBBORN DRUNKS!!1.HAHHHA
HUGS
JAV

lmao at stubborn drunks

this next joke just had to post lol, love yall n no offense meant

The Creation of Michigan

Once
upon a time in the Kingdom of Heaven, God was missing
for six
days. Eventually, Michael the archangel found him,
resting on the
seventh day. He inquired of God, "Where have you
been?"

God sighed a deep sigh of satisfaction and proudly
pointed downwards
through the clouds, "Look Michael, look what I've
made."
Archangel Michael looked puzzled and said, "What is
it?"

"It's a planet," replied God, "and I've put Life on
it. I'm going to
call
It Earth and it's going to be a great place of
balance"

"Balance?", inquired Michael, still confused.

God explained, pointing to different parts o f earth,
"For example,
Northern
Europe will be a place of great opportunity and wealth
while southern

Europe is going to be poor; the Middle East over there
will be a hot
spot.
Over here I've placed a continent of white people and
over there is a
continent of black people," God continued, pointing to
different
countries "This one will be extremely hot and arid
while this one will
be
very cold and covered in ice."

The Archangel, impressed by God's work, then pointed
to a large land
mass and said, "What's that one?"

"Ah," said God. "That's Michigan, the most glorious
place on earth.
You'll notice that it is made in the fashion of my
hand, the Hand of
God. There are beautiful lakes, rivers, sunsets and
rolling hills. The

people from Michigan are going to be modest,
intelligent and
humorous and they are going to be found traveling
the world. They
will be extremely sociable, hard working and high
achieving, and they
will be known throughout the world as diplomats and
carriers of
peace."

Michael gasped in wonder and admiration but then
proclaimed, "What
about balance, God?" "You said there would be
balance!"

God replied wisely, "Wait until you see the idiots I'm
putting around
Them in Ohio, Indiana, Illinois Wisconsin and Canada."

A lonely widow, age 70, decided that it was time to get married again.

She put an ad in the local paper that read:
HUSBAND WANTED:- MUST BE IN MY AGE GROUP (70's), MUST NOT BEAT ME, MUST NOT RUN AROUND ON ME & MUST STILL BE GOOD IN BED!!!!!
ALL APPLICANTS PLEASE APPLY IN PERSON.

On the Second day, she heard the doorbell. Much to her dismay, she opened the door to see a gray-haired gentleman sitting in a wheelchair. He had no arms or legs.

The old woman said, 'You're not really asking me to consider you, are you? Just look at you ... you have no legs!' The old man smiled, 'Therefore, I cannot run around on you!' she snorted. 'You don't have any arms either!' Again, the old man smiled, 'Therefore, I can never beat you!' She raised an eyebrow and asked intently, 'Are you still good in bed???' The old man leaned back, beamed a big smile and said, 'Rang the doorbell, didn't I?

Q. What's a mixed feeling?
A. When you see your mother-in-law backing off a cliff in your new car.

Q. What's the height of conceit?
A. Having an orgasm and calling out your own name.

Q. What's the definition of macho?
A. Jogging home from your vasectomy.

Q. What's the difference between a G-spot and a golf ball?
A. A guy will actually search for a golf ball

Q. What is the difference between a drug dealer and a hooker?
A. A hooker can wash her crack and sell it again.

Q. Do you know how Montana farmers practice safe sex?
A. They spray paint X's on the back of the sheep that kick!

Q. Why is divorce so expensive?
A. Because it's worth it!

Q. What is a Yankee?
A. The same as a quickie, but a guy can do it alone.

Q. What do Tupperware and a walrus have in common?
A. They both like a tight seal.

Q. What do a Christmas tree and priest have in common?
A. Their balls are just for decoration.

Q. What is the difference between ' ooooooh' and ' aaaaaaah'?
A. About three inches.

Q. Why do gay men wear ribbed condoms?
A. For traction in the mud.

Q: What's the difference between purple and pink?
A. The grip

Q. How do you find a blind man in a nudist colony?
A. It's not hard.

Q: How do you circumcise a hillbilly?
A: Kick his sister in the jaw.

Q: What's the difference between a girlfriend and a wife?
A: 45 pounds.

Q: What's the difference between a boyfriend and a husband?
A: 45 minutes.

Q: Why do men find it difficult to make eye contact?
A: Breasts don't have eyes.

Q: If the dove is the bird of peace, what is the bird of true love?
A. The swallow.

Q: What is the difference between medium and rare?
A: Six inches is medium, eight inches is rare.

Q. Why do women rub their eyes when they get up in the morning?
A. They don't have balls to scratch!

Married Life





Three women: one engaged, one married, and one a mistress, chatting about their relationships and decide to amaze their men...that night all three agreed to wear a leather bodice S&M style, stilettos and mask over their eyes .

After a few days they meet again.....

The engaged girlfriend said: 'The other night, when my boyfriend came back home, he found me in the leather bodice, 4' stilettos and mask. He said, 'You are the woman of my life, I love you, then we made love all night long.'

The mistress stated: 'Oh Yes! The other night we met in the office. I was wearing the leather bodice, mega stilettos, mask over my eyes and a raincoat. When I opened the raincoat, he didn' say a word We just had wild sex all night.'

The married one then said: 'The other night I sent the kids to stay at my mothers for the night, I got myself ready, leather bodice, super stilettos and mask over my eyes. My husband came in from work, grabbed the TV controller and a beer, and said, 'Hey Batman, what's for dinner ?'

LMAO

The Back Pew

A pastor's wife was expecting a baby, so he stood before the congregation
and asked for a raise.

After much discussion, they passed a rule that whenever the preacher's

family expanded, so would his paycheck.

After 6 children, this started to get expensive and the congregation

decided to hold another meeting to discuss the

preacher's expanding salary.

A great deal of yelling and inner bickering ensued, as to how much the

clergyman's additional children were costing the church, and how much

more it could potentially cost.

After listening to them for about an hour, the pastor rose from his
chair
and spoke, 'Children are a gift from God, and we will take as many
gifts
as He gives us.

Silence fell on the congregation.

In the back pew, a little old lady struggled to stand, and finally
said
in her frail voice, 'Rain is also a gift from God, but when we get too

much of it, we wear rubbers.'

The entire congregation said, 'Amen.'

LMAO, again

Two aliens landed in the Arizona desert near a gas station that was closed for the night. They approached one of the gas pumps and the younger alien addressed it saying, "Greetings, Earthling. We come in peace. Take us to your leader."

The gas pump, of course, didn't respond.

The younger alien became angry at the lack of response.

The older alien said, "I'd calm down if I were you."

The younger alien ignored the warning and repeated his greeting. Again, there was no response.

Annoyed by what he perceived to be the pump's haughty attitude, he drew his ray gun and said impatiently, "Greetings, Earthling. We come in peace. Do not ignore us this way! Take us to your leader or I will fire!"

The older alien again warned his comrade saying, "You probably don't want to do that! I really don't think you should make him mad."

"Rubbish," replied the cocky, young alien. He aimed his weapon at the pump and opened fire. There was a huge explosion. A massive fireball roared towards them and blew the younger alien off his feet and deposited him a burnt, smoking mess about 200 yards away in a cactus patch.

Half an hour passed. When he finally regained consciousness, he
Refocused his three eyes, straightened his bent antenna, and looked dazedly at the older, wiser alien who was standing over him shaking his big, green head.

"What a ferocious creature!" exclaimed the young, fried alien. "He nearly killed me! How did you know he was so dangerous?"

The older alien leaned over, placed a friendly feeler on his crispy friend and replied, "If there's one thing I've learned during my intergalactic travels, you don't want to mess with a guy who can wrap his penis around himself twice and then stick it in his ear."

ROSES & HANGING BASKETS
A teenage granddaughter
comes downstairs for her date
with this see-through blouse on and no bra.
Her grandmother just pitched a fit,
telling her not to dare go out like that!
The teenager tells her
'Loosen up Grams.
These are modern times.
You gotta let your rose buds show!'
and out she goes.
The next day the teenager comes down stairs,
and the grandmother is sitting there with no top on.
The teenager wants to die.
She explains to her grandmother
that she has friends coming over
and that it is just not appropriate....
The grandmother says,
'Loosen up,
Sweetie.
If you can show off your rose buds,
then I can display my hanging baskets.

You have two choices in life:
You can stay single and be miserable,
or get married and wish you were dead.

At a cocktail party, one woman said to another,
"Aren't you wearing your wedding ring on the wrong finger?"
"Yes, I am. I married the wrong man."

A lady inserted an ad in the classifieds:
"Husband Wanted"
Next day she received a hundred letters.
They all said the same thing:
"You can have mine."

When a woman steals your husband,
there is no better revenge than to let her keep him.

A woman is incomplete until she is married. Then she is finished.

A little boy asked his father,
"Daddy, how much does it cost to get married?"
Father replied, "I don't know, son, I'm still paying."

A young son asked,
"Is it true, Dad, that in some parts of Africa
a man doesn't know his wife until he marries her?"
Dad replied, "That happens in every country, son."

Then there was a woman who said,
"I never knew what real happiness was until I got married,
and by then, it was too late."

If you want your spouse to listen and
pay strict attention to every word you say -- talk in your sleep.

Just think, if it wasn't for marriage, men would go through life thinking they had no faults at all.

First guy says, "My wife's an angel!"
Second guy remarks, "You're lucky. Mine's still alive."

AND NOW FOR THE FAVORITE!!!

Husband and wife are waiting at the bus stop with their nine children. A blind man joins them after a few minutes. When the bus arrives, they find it overloaded and only the wife and the nine kids are able to fit onto the bus.

So the husband and the blind man decide to walk. After a while, the husband gets irritated by the ticking of the stick of the blind man as he taps it on the sidewalk, and says to him, "Why don't you put a piece of rubber at the end of your stick? That ticking sound is driving me crazy.."

The blind man replies, "If you would've put a rubber at the end of YOUR stick, we'd be riding the bus ... so shut the hell up."

The Obedient Wife
> >
> >
> >There was a man who had worked all his life, had saved all of his money, and was a real 'miser'when it came to his money.
> >
> >Just before he died, he said to his wife...'When I die, I want you to take all my money and put it in the casket with me. I want to take my money to the afterlife with me.'
> >
> >And so he got his wife to promise him, with all of her heart, that when he died, she would put all of the money in to the casket with him.
> >
> >Well, he died. He was stretched out in the casket, his wife was sitting there - dressed in black, and her friend was sitting next to her. When they finished the ceremony, and just before the undertakers got ready to close the casket, the wife said,
> >
> >'Wait just a moment!'
> >She had a small metal box with her; she came over with the box and put it in the casket. Then the undertakers locked the casket down and they rolled it away. So her friend said,
> > < BR>'Girl, I know you were not fool enough to put all that money in there with your husband.'
> >
> >The loyal wife replied, 'Listen, I'm a Christian ; I cannot go back on my word. I promised him that I was going to put that money into the casket with him.'
> >
> >You mean to tell me you put that money in the casket with him!?!?!?'
> >'I sure did,'said the wife. 'I got it all together, put it into my acc ount, and wrote him a check.... If he can cash it, then he can spend it

John was a salesman's delight when it came to any kind of unusual gimmick.
> > His wife Marsha had long ago given up trying to get him to change.
> > One day, John came home with another one of his unusual purchases. It was
> a
> > robot that John claimed was actually a lie detector.
> >
> > It was just about 5:30 that afternoon when Tommy, their 11 year old son,
> > returned home from school. Tommy was over 2 hours late.
> >
> > 'Where have you been? Why are you over 2 hours late getting home?', they
> > asked.
> >
> > 'Several of us went to the library to work on an extra credit project'
> said
> > Tommy.
> >
> > The Robot then walked around the table and slapped Tommy, knocking him
> > completely out of his chair.
> >
> > 'Son, this robot is a lie detector, now tell us where you went after
> > school.'
> >
> > 'We went to Bobby's house and watched a movie.'
> >
> > 'What did you watch?' asked Marsha.
> >
> > ''The Ten Commandments.' answered Tommy.
> >
> > The Robot went around to Tommy and once again slapped him, knocking him
> off
> > his chair.
> >
> > With lip quivering, Tommy got up, sat down and said, 'I am sorry I lied.
> We
> > really watched a tape called Sex Queen.'
> >
> > 'I'm ashamed of you Son,' said John. 'When I was your age, I never lied to
> > my parents.'
> >
> > The robot then walked around to John and delivered a roundhouse right that
> > nearly knocked him out of his chair.
> >
> > Marsha was bent double laughing, almost in tears. 'Boy, did you ever ask
> for
> > that one! And you can't be too mad with Tommy. After all, He is your son!'
> >
> > The Robot immediately walked around to Marsha, and slapped her three
> times.

Joe's operation

The doctor said, 'Joe, the good news is I can cure your headaches. The bad news is that it will require castration. You have a very rare condition which causes your testicles to press on your spine, and the pressure creates one hell of a headache. The only way to relieve the pressure is to remove the testicles.'

Joe was shocked and depressed. He wondered if he had anything to live for. He had no choice but to go under the knife.

When he left the hospital, he was without a headache for the first time in twenty years, but he felt like he was missing an important part of himself. As he walked down the street, he realized that he felt like a different person. He could make a new beginning and live a new life.

He saw a men's clothing store and thought, 'That's what I need... A new suit.' He entered the shop and told the salesman, 'I'd like a new suit.'

The elderly tailor eyed him briefly and said, 'Let's see... Size 44 long.'

Joe laughed, 'That's right, how did you know?'

'Been in the business 60 years!' the tailor said.

Joe tried on the suit; it fit perfectly.

As Joe admired himself in the mirror, the salesman asked, 'How about a new shirt?'

Joe thought for a moment and then said, 'Sure.'

The salesman eyed Joe and said, 'Let's see, 34 sleeves and 16-1/2 neck.'

Joe was surprised, 'That's right, how did you know?'

'Been in the business 60 years.'

Joe tried on the shirt and it fit perfectly.

Joe walked comfortably around the shop and the salesman asked, 'How about some new underwear?'

Joe thought for a moment and said, 'Sure.'

The salesman said, 'Let's see...size 36.'

Joe laughed, 'Ah ha! I got you, I've worn a size 34 since I was 18 years old.'

The salesman shook his head, 'You can't wear a size 34. A size 34 would press your testicles up against the base of your spine and give you one hell of a headache.'

New suit - $400
New shirt - $36
New underwear - $6
Second opinion - PRICELESS