I had someone say to me, "I think it's important to remember that this is a normal thing to have happen." I was too stunned to respond, but I wish I could have told her that having a healthy baby just die suddenly is not normal. And even if it was, those words are not comforting to a mother who just lost her only child. Geesh.

I also wanted to ask her if she would have said that to someone whose baby died two months post-birth. There is no difference.

Ok, that one made my jaw drop. No one has said that to me. And you're right, this isn't a normal thing to have happen! Babies are supposed to be born not buried.

I hate hearing that God needed her more than I did. At this point in time that doesn't seem possible.

Generally people have been very supportive, but the worst one I got was an old college friend (with no kids, maybe who will never want kids, I'm not sure) who said "Don't worry, your son will have a sibling soon I'm sure."

Um..... #1, my baby girl just died. #2, this was his sister who he was really looking forward to having. #3, you are not sure because nobody knows what happened. #4-100 fill in the blank. Uck.

AurorasMom, I have also gotten the "you guys are young enough to..." blah blah blah and you're right, it's not pretty. It makes it seem like this baby wasn't real, but it was! A "replacement baby" does not make the world magically right again, as a "replacement baby" doesn't exist! I hope you are able to avoid the ignorant comments from hereon out.

I read on one of these support forums a mom that put someone on the spot for saying something to the effect of you can try again by saying "okay then tell me which one of your babies you could live without." I would never have the gumption to say that to anyone out loud, but the thought of saying it to someone sometimes helps me through!

I hate it when they tell me I can have another baby. I agree with you it makes me so sad to hear that because it seems like their saying I can replace my daughter as if that's the normal thing to do. I'm like hello there's nothing that can replace my daughter not even another baby. I know every baby is a blessing but come on now. I just don't think people should tell us that when everything is still so fresh.
Or when they tell you, your baby is no longer suffering & their in a better place. I know I flipped when my friend told me that. I was like how do you know my baby was suffering I asked her were you there right beside her to see & know that she was suffering. I hate hearing that. I know people mean well but sometimes they just need to think twice before saying something like this. Especially if they've never been in this situation. They need to understand that we are all a little sensitive at the moment & we may not see things the way they do.

I had the comment, "Something must have been wrong with it." Okay, well, obviously, but you don't need to say that! Can't people just say that they're sorry for your loss???

In one instance I had people I know talking to each other about "so and so's" baby, who had just been born, and what she weighed and etc. etc. Well, since I had just lost my baby not long before this I just wasn't ready for this kind of conversation and thought it was really insensitive.

"You will be a better person from this experience."
I guess that means I was a really horrible person before..coz being totally broken, crushed and in despair is an improvement??

And the icing on the cake came from my sisters' husband: "sorry about your sickness" I mean this was too little a thing to even amount to a death in his eyes!

"at least you didn't bond with her"
I cant tell you how many times I heard that one. My best friend had her baby in the room next to mine the day after I lost my girl, and when I tried to explain how I felt by asking "how would you feel if your baby died", she always said, "it's not the same thing as losing her after she's born, because I already bonded with my baby", because of COURSE you never bond with a baby while THEY'RE LIVING INSIDE YOUR BODY you can only bond after they are born and everyone else can see them and qualify them as kids.

URGH.

I have had some real stupid things said to me.

The you'll havr an other one is bad, guest whst, I can no longer have an other one with my complications.

Then someone wrote to me you will find the positive in this experience. Really losing my daughter I had worked for for 5 years is a life leason.

I think it's so much easier when people tell you they just don't know what to say. You really just shouldn't under these circumstances.

I have gotten you can have more and god needed her more than we did. Well no i needed her and i wanted her. The worst for me has been this will make,you stronger. Really because i feel broken and empty henlee took something from me when she left me. How is this going to make me stronger.

I am having more (twins) so Now i get "see your little one just wanted to come with a buddy". I have a very hard time with that.

I got at least she is in a better place.. And I think to myself what does that mean? shes in a better place? What could I not give her a good life?
I know people don't mean it in a bad way and they don't know that by saying that I just want to punch them in the face. They are just trying to be nice and comfort me but really it just upsets me even more.

I agree. It upsets you even more, because it appears as if they are belittling our loss. I always wished people just knew what to say, but they really don't most of the time!

I have heard so many crazy comments that I could literally write a book about it. The comments that bother me most are the ones related to God in some way. I have already had to work through a spiritual crisis, in that I am trying to work on not being mad at God for what happened. The last thing I need to hear is something like "God knows you could bare this," or "God needed your son more than you," etc.

So far most people have been very gracious to us, saying "I'm so sorry for your loss" or simply "I don't know what to say." Then again we haven't been around anyone but close family, although we have received lots of cards and texts. But my husband's grandma came over the other day and had a few whoppers that sent my head spinning. She said;

1. " Maybe God knew something was wrong with the baby and that's why he took her." To us our daughter was and always will be perfect, obviously something DID go wrong with the baby but there was nothing WRONG with her, all the tests have shown that so far.

2. "God won't give you more than you can handle." I CAN'T HANDLE THIS! WHY WOULD HE GIVE THIS TO ME???

She said something else that bothered me but I can't remember now. My mom said people say stupid things like that because it makes THEM feel better, not to make us feel better. Also people just don't know what to say.

Wow! I think most of us seem to hate hearing most of the same things. It is crazy how we are all going through such similar situations and how much we can relate to each other.

1. What I hate most is also anything about God. I am so angry with him still. I felt really close to him before losing my daughter and I attended church every Sunday. I think that is why I felt so betrayed when he took my daughter from me. When I told my brother this he told me that God did not take Malaysia from me because she was already his. This pissed me off because she is MINE! We might all be here because of him but she is MINE.

2. The second thing that I hate the most is "your young, you can have more kids" What does that have to do with Malaysia? She can never be replaced. I don't want another baby, I want her! I bonded with her, I felt her kick like crazy and I talked to her everyday. I cannot forget about her. It's as if people are saying oh well that didn't work out, try again. She was a HUMAN BEING not just something that didn't work out.