I don't remember so much my abuse, moreso the aftermath of it. I get flashbacks of incidents from my life which stick to my mind like glue; plus, I have Asperger's which gives me an unusually good memory.

When I was 16-17 I tried to be the model Pupil/Citizen when deep inside I was a sick puppy. It was only by God's grace that I have never committed a Sex Crime.

Im sorry you are hurting so much right now. Healing is very hard and never goes fast enough. Many many times during my healing I said the same thing, that I want it to be over and I want it all out of me. That is when my therapist would remind me of how far I had come and that nothing can be rushed. I worked with my inner children so she would say "you can only go as fast as your most frightened child is willing to go". And since I was in so much emotioanl turmoil it seemed that I was never moving fast enough.

I had no memories of the abuse so one of the hard parts for me was never knowing how much more I still needed to remember. It always seemed that I would finish healing one memory and five more would appear. I hated, and still hate, not knowing when it would end. Im goal oriented and I like deadlines. I like to know when things are due to be finished so that was the part that was hard for me.

Hang in there. Healing cant be rushed and once you start its hard to stop. Keep moving forward. To help myself I would say that every tear shed, every bit of anger processed and every panic attack moved me closer to the finish line. That helped keep me going.

Take care

I know what you mean. I don't know if it ever goes away but by talking about it and writing down all your feelings it could lessen how it affects you.

I've been on this site now for a number of years..
When I first started, I had a friend (I gained on this site) ask just the right questions.. By that I mean she just talked to me. Her bf was a molestion and sex abuse victim as a kid, she was asking me about my abuse to try and learn about how she could help him.
The best I always told her was, be there when he crashes.. She was, every time...
She also told me that to regain power over my abuse, I needed to talk, journalize, and ask questions..
The bad guy (or gal) will keep the power over me as long as I never talk about it. The more you talk, the easier it will become.

She's right.. When I came here, I didn't want any one to know I was raped, or molested.. Now not only can I talk about it, I can also openly talk about it..
Granted, I still have bad days/weeks but it's not all the time like it was when I started..
I still have uncontrollable crying, and wake up scared, shaking, flashbacks... But it's not all the time. I'm not "watching out for him" as
Much any more.. I still sit in restaurants with my back to the wall, facing everyone else... But I can actually eat when I go out..


The best I can tell you.

Write it down in here.. Journalize it. Make it 'friends only'
When you have a bad day, talk about it
The best part you have already done!!
ASK QUESTIONS!!

But the next tid bit of info is the most important...

Do not compare your self or your healing to any one else..
You are not them.... You are you!!

I'm here if you want to talk, or ask questions.
Hang in there, and be kind to yourself, do not believe the lies you were told to be true.. They say that to control you!!

Notalone00

I am so sorry you are in so much pain. The reoccurring memories can be so devastating and traumatic. I really believe in therapy and truly talking about every single detail about the abuse that happened. It hurts having to relive it but once it is all out. The healing process can begin. You have nothing to be ashamed of. You are a courageous survivor. I am here if ever you need to talk.

You've taken one of the hardest steps known right now... You not only looked for help, you made a profile, then posted the question...
That alone took lots of strength..
We as victims/survivors never see the little steps we make in our walk, we look back and think since I haven't seen a BIG change, I must not be healing.. That's never the case.
I always suggest journaling.. That way you can go back and see where you've improved.. Mine is mostly anger (very high trigger alert.. Sorry) but I can see the times when I was struggling... and when was a good day (it's there in a few places..)

I guess I meant to say ...
Just talk about it.. As hard as that is ( oh yeah, it's hard.... At first)
The more you talk about it the easier it becomes, the more power you take back, the better you'll feel.
It won't be over night, but over time.
Talk, journalize, ask questions... All steps in the healing process...


Notalone00