I have always had problems speaking on this subject. I don't really know what to do because I feel like my past traumas have really just started taking over my life lately. I think about them all the time and I know I should be in therapy but can't afford one at the moment. 

When I was 16, I was groomed by my brother's coach. As a girl who grew up not having a great relationship with her father, I really thought this coach cared about me. I seriously thought this 34 year old man loved me. He told me I was so mature for my age and he wanted to be with me when I graduated. By the time I was 17, he had sex with me. This lasted a couple years and most of the time, I would tell him I did not want to do something and he would beg me until I finally said yes. The most traumatizing thing that I remember happening is when he took me to the movies on my birthday. While at the movies, he forced me to give him oral sex even though I said no multiple times. Then after he finished, he left. He left me there by myself, crying. 

Since then, I have had bad relationships with men. The next guy that groomed me was 42. He kept telling me he was a friend and wanted to help me get into college. He was going to help me with everything I needed. I really thought I loved this guy because he was always doing everything for me and telling me all these great things about myself. Another older man that I actually got into a relationship with when I was 18, abused me as well. He physically abused me. He would get angry and pull me by my hair or shove me against walls. 

I guess I am posting this because sometimes I feel like what I went through wasn't necessarily assault. I feel like since I wanted to be with these guys (or so I thought at the time) that none of this would be taken seriously if I speak up. It has been really hard on me lately. I just don't know what to do.