Sexual Abuse Support Group
Sexual abuse is a relative cultural term used to describe sexual relations and behavior between two or more parties which are considered criminally and/or morally offensive. Different types of sexual abuse involve: Non-consensual, forced physical sexual behavior such as rape, incest or sexual assault, or psychological forms of abuse, such as verbal sexual behavior or...
Some days are better than others. Or maybe just easier to hide. Its that feeling when an older man gets close to me. Or when someone asks for my phone number. That same familiar feeling of terror, of fear, of worthlessness. That his pleasure was worth more than my life. At 9 years old my whole life was taken from me, and ever since ive been trying to pick up pieces along the way to try to piece some back together, to try and build this new life. A new me. But, how can I build a new me if I dont even remember who I was? I so badly crave this happiness to see in others. I crave the feeling of waking up and be happy to be alive. I look back into my childhood and all I see is this broken little girl, so how am I supposed to become this adult version of me? I have this constant heavy feeling on my chest and shoulders. This feeling that i dont know if il ever be able to get rid of. And, everyday I hear my whole family talk of all this about him and his drug addiction and how to help him but he ruined me, and nobody wants to help me. They give him all this money and a home and help him with everything, but if I do something wrong or need help its not good enough. I hate this constant hate of the world, of him, and myself. II have to go through christmas and look at him with his new girlfriend in this home with his step-kids and how my grandma adores him and how well he is doing but im falling apart in the corner because everytime i hear his voice a little piece of me is dying inside to scream for help. Its so messed up. I have a wonderful job, a car, friends who love me, but I still have all this hate in me and more than anything I want it to go away. I just want someone to tell me it ends, and that I wont feel so miserable and hurt for the rest of my life. Cause 10 years later isnt getting any better.
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I feel so dirty and used I was drunk and passed out at a party when I came around some guy was on top of me rapeing me he covered my mouth and told me to shut up afterwards he got up and got dressed and said I better not tell anyone I found my friend and reported that I had been raped after having medical checks and them getting DNA I've taken the morning after pill IAM just so depressed and...
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Upon his departure, he remarked, "I am in many people’s pockets; no one will believe you." Have you ever grappled with the silence that follows sexual assault, where the perceived impossibility of being believed necessitates self-censorship?
I'm pretty sure the best thing for you would be to move away from the "family" that seems to have no regard for your wellbeing. It's wonderful that you have friends, a great job and a car. I suggest that if you make your own life away from those people you will be able to begin healing. Therapy would be an important part of the healing process. I found a therapist to help me heal from sexual abuse and incest by calling the hotline at RAINN.org.
You definitely can heal, your life can get much better, and the miserable feelings need not haunt you for the rest of your life. But I think it will be hard if not impossible to heal while you are still living at "the scene of the crime" with the people who hurt you, dismissed your pain, and took care of the abuser instead.
While I was unaware of it, I moved from the West coast to the East coast before I could begin to heal. My moves seemed logical and totally unrelated to abuse for I had buried the memories deeply.
Looking back, I see that once the memories returned after my dad died, healing may have been harder if I had continued to be around family--family that denied the kids were being abused. I understand it's not always possible or even desirable to move but we can always choose to include family in our lives or not. I have distanced myself from those members who did not believe me and those who abused. I see no reason to subject myself to more emotional trauma.
Do you have to remember who you were before you can create a new life? I'm thinking, no. Albert Einstein said, and I quote..."The true value of a human being is determined primarily by the measure and the sense in which he has attained liberation from the self." Ironically, the "self" we try to remember before the abuse may in fact, hinder us in building a new life. Start where you are. It sounds like you have a great support system in those friends who love you, you have a wonderful job which so many thousands of people do not and you have your own transportation which means you are not dependent on your family to get around; it also means you can drive away from your family if you choose to.
Work on your healing and pay attention to your body for, IMO, it is your greatest ally. That awful constant feeling of heaviness can go away but it's going to require action on your part. You don't say if you're in therapy but those awful feelings don't go away by themselves. Nor does the hatred. The right therapist can help you look at, process and move through the heavy fallout abuse leaves behind...but the first step is yours; seek the right help.
The Courage to Heal by Bass & Davis, a book for survivors, may also help you to move on.
You can heal. Chase your healing if need-be and do whatever you must do to heal--as long as it does not put you in danger.
xx
SuzA
I am my fathers only biological child, my 5 siblings had a different dad who died. When my father got out of prison when I was 9, psycho mom moved him right back home....where 2 of us girls still lived, me and my 13 yr. old sister. He'd found "religion" in prison and he was "fixed"....you can't fix a pedophile. My sister moved out with a year and a 1/2 pregnant and living with her boyfriend. My father started molesting me within about 6 months of him coming home, and continued until I was 12 and finally made my mother believer me. She always said, "your his biological child, he'd never touch you." Yes she really was that freaking psycho-stupid.
They divorced and the Courts allowed monitored visitation twice a month, lol....here you go, see the man who's molested you for the last 3 or 4 years and have a nice visit. I don't think my mom really believed he molested me, I think she finally had a good excuse to get a divorce, being such a good catholic and all.
The thing is, I was around my father all through growing up. I was round him after college, after I was married, all my adult life, I'm 47 years old and he still messages me on FB. There was nobody to keep me safe or make sure there was a path for me to be on....I learned at a very early age that the only person responsible for me was ME! I stopped giving that man any power over me a long time ago...now he's just a man who sends me a "hello" or "how are the boys", nothing more.
The longer you let your abuser hold his power over you, the longer he wins. This should be something you work with your Therapist on, because you can learn how to "let the past go". Who you are now, the dreams you have, who you want to be....he has no say or any control over that. You are the caretaker of you and the only power others have over you, is what you let them. There are many coping skills you can learn that help you "not let them". letting the past go, not having it be part of your future, that's up to you, but you are a strong woman and you can make it. You have the voice and power to not be in a room with your abuser if that's what you choose. They can't make you. As for who believes what, that's their weakness not yours. Screw 'em, you know the truth, you know what you've survived and came out stronger...now you have to tap into that strength and be a fighter, fight for you and the future you want yourself to be.