Hi, I apologize for the delayed comment.
You have to make that choice for your daughter, because she doesn't have the language nor the skills to process this kind of incident and make a decision based on what is best for her.
There is a certain language used to explain difficult things to children, and certain methods through drawings and such. The qualified therapist should help you with that.
I have watched a show about minor sex offenders in jail and the long programs they have to complete in order to be released. It's a whole behavioral, emotional, change, gender studies...
When she is grown up and able to understand the language of adults then she should be able to decide if to contact her brother or not.

You should be very proud.. Not only are you asking for help, your asking questions trying to provide the best for your daughter... That's wonderful! You have no idea how many of us were not believed, or totally ignored. I'm happy that you are going over and beyond to protect her...
Now for the questions. (Bare with me, I'm fighting sleep)
Can there be a reunification... Yes... BUT only if he has truly gone through treatment, and isn't on a probation protection, and IF he pretty much begs to come back to the family. It's his fault for breaking everything up, it's HIS fault for wrecking everything, this is all on HIM!!
Your daughter has time (now) for her own treatment. She has therapy to go to, and flashbacks/nightmares to get through...
If you (generic you, not you directly) would bring the step brother into the picture to early, it could trigger her, and she could get scared, or start acting differently than normal, or lash out and hit him....no body wants any of this. Just because she's telling you she wants to see him, doesn't mean you let her...
If she wanted to jump out of a tree from the top of it, you would say no! That wioukd hurt you beyond measure, and you would do everything in your power to make sure she doesn't do it anyway, and protect her... This is no different. She could very well hurt herself with out knowing it.
This Christmas is to early to bring him home to her... Next year? Maybe, but probably not. The following year? Maybe, but it's all in you and your daughter, not pressure from anyone else..
Also have a "safe word" meaning that just you two, no one else know the word.
If she feels scared for any reason what so ever... Say that word, or phrase, and that will signal to get out of that situation fast.
It's good to have one anyway just for this reason.
If she gets scared going to Walmart... She can say the word, and it won't draw any attention to you or her, but you will know she's scared about something... Stop what ever you're doing and take care of her. It might be as simple as a 'hug, I love you, you are safe with me' then ask, 'do you want to leave??' Do what ever she wants. ( stay or leave) it's called getting triggered. It might be a smell, or the back of some ones head... but we all get triggered for different reasons...
Example, one of my triggers is a particular smell... I flashback to a time right after my rape. It takes me a while to relax and get back to 'normal'
She's the same way... And so are you! We all are. Sometimes. It's good triggers, like smelling pumpkin pie being made, we remember grandmas kitchen at thanks giving... And there are bad triggers, if you smell that pie and remember being attacked during the thanksgiving afternoon when everyone else is watching football....

You are doing exactly what you are suppose to be doing. Protecting your daughter. She is your number one priority!
Your hubby is in there to, somewhere... But if he says or does or try's to do something that you don't agree with, especially in regards to your daughter and his son, you step you, grab your daughter and walk out the door. Then make sure your daughter knows that none of this is her fault, stress it into her...
To many parents choose their 'spouse' over their own child it's crazy.
I was blessed to have (and still do) my real parents all my life, and there were times with my mom that if she felt the situation wasn't approved by her, "come on son, we need to heave.... NOW" no matter how much I protested, mom knew best....

You are no different.. Go with your gut! And she has a "safe word or phrase" ' mom? The jello is really shaky' could mean, I'm very scared and need to leave!! (It's what ever you make it)
You have a very special daughter... She is great, and most of the time, can do no wrong...
She needs you, she looks up to you... You (mom) are her hero.
She loves you very much... You are very proud to call her daughter.
You look at her and see joy, (anger,sadness, scared, and I forgot the other one { inside out!!}... You can look at her and read her face, no matter what she tells you

Mine just joined us in bed... Love him dearly, as you do with your daughter...
Believe her, cherish her, Be there for her.

Don't move to fast with getting them back together. She will know when she is really readu, but you can always over ride her choice!!

I'm going to stop now, this is probably the longest reply I've written in the forum!
(Tired folks just ramble on for ever!!)

Thank you for replies. Stepson has been seeing a therapist, but not a specialized treatment so no decision can be made now or anytime soon. I've made it clear that no reunification can happen if certain things don't happen first and I doubt they ever will. Stepson's mom and my husband don't have a good relationship and don't co-parent very well. She makes all the decisions and then my husband can go along or get iced out. So, like I said, reunification will probably not be able to ever happen anyway. I just worry for my children and what this will do to them in the future. I hate seeing them upset and not understanding why they can't see him.

A good therapist can help you make this information accessible to your kids. This is the most important part after keeping them safe.
Helping them understand what happened without them getting hurt.

She's been in therapy and she does know it was wrong. I guess what I meant was that she doesn't understand that it was sexual because she doesn't know what that is. She makes comments about him coming back and them playing xbox together and things like that. She doesn't seem to be accepting that things wouldn't be the same. I've explained that they wouldn't ever be allowed alone or to go in another room. She just doesn't seem to quite get it even though I've talked about it.

Any kids would be proud to have you as a mom!
I'm sorry that you had to come here to ask for advice, but I'm proud to see what you have said! The only side you need to take is hers!! You are a wonderful mom! You have done a fine job, and please, don't be hard on yourself. I know easier said than done, it takes time to realize that you are really doing the right job...

Thank you for the kind words. It is hard finding someone who can relate to my experience. I've found that even some other parents of sexually abused children cannot relate to my story because of the sibling factor.

Maybe you can let her write letters to him or draw a picture for him. And promise her that he will get it.
It will give her a way to communicate with him.

My oldest brother sexually touched me as a little girl. I didn't understand what was even going on. I didn't even know what sex was.
He would scare me into not telling after he got caught in the beginning and we both got a whipping. I was in the 3rd or 4th grade. He had mental problems I didn't know about, he was four years older than me but, he knew what he was doing.
I didn't tell until I was about 30. I had somehow pushed it so deep inside of me, that I didn't remember at all. Until I moved back to my home town and he kept coming around a lot, and telling me he was going to protect me.
I had married at 19 and found myself in a horrible marriage of abuse, sexual, mental and physical. Was in that marriage for nine years. Not by choice, I was forced into what I had to live. Long story.
It will scar you deeply, it will take away your self esteem, it will crush you, until you are hardly noting at all. Feeling worthless.
As a child even though I didn't tell, and even as an adult learning all the abuse I didn't tell or my life and my children's lives would be in danger. I kept it all deep within me. Letting it destroy me.
I cried out to God to help me get out of the prison this man kept me in. And after nine years God got me out! I learned to call out to God.
When I moved back to my home town and was divorce and remarried, my bother tried to start it all over again. All my memories attacked me, all came back.I was a different women now. I fought it full force. But, yet, with all the abuse I endured with my ex, I didn't know I had PTSD from it all, until a friend not long ago told me I had it.
The flash backs are horrible, you don't know that your not really there anymore, it's so real. But, God is helping me to overcome.
You don't know as a little child how to deal with this adult problem. Protect your baby, she needs you to do that for her. She will not do it herself, she is to small to understand and fight to protect herself. Keep her safe, don't let her endure the pains that will follow her If she keeps in contact with the abuser.

Alvada,
Thank you for your reply. I am very sorry for what you endured. My daughter was 3-4 years younger than you were but I know she will still probably remember. Even if she could somehow forget, it will be impossible because there is now a separation in our family that will have to continue to be explained. People will ask why my stepson no longer comes to our home or with us anywhere. Stories like yours break my heart, for you and for my precious daughter. I hope and pray that she won't suffer as so many others have from their abuse. I hope that by stopping it and getting her help, maybe she will recover.

I am so sorry to hear about what happened to your daughter... and how it hurt her, you, and your family. There is a specific aspect of the abuser/victim relationship that I do not see anyone discussing, and I think it could be very relevant to your feelings about reunification.

I am bringing this up due to my concern for you and your daughter; if you understand what I am about to explain, I believe it would help you make a more informed decision about reunification.
This post became very lengthy, I am sorry about that, but I think you should consider what I have to say. Due to the complexity of the topic and the many aspects that are involved, I wanted to explain this very clearly (and I think I had too much caffeine) but when discussing things that may be influencing the future of your family, I think it is worthy of taking a little more time and give you a better understanding of where my ideas came from and please see what I have to say as a result of my experience and not just me trying to convince you of something.

During my childhood I felt the same way your daughter does now, and for the same reasons. As an adult I learned things during therapy (over the past few years) that drastically changed my understanding of the (childhood) situation that led me to form those feelings; I can see all of this from both sides now (child and adult). I believe this might drastically affect how you feel about reunification.

Your stepson is younger than those who abused me, but I dont think that matters. I will briefly go over a few aspects of the abuse I went thru as a child so you can better decide how this applies to your current situation.

I was first abused by a family friend when I was 5 or 6, but it was the abuse during my preteen years that applies to your situation. When I was 10 I was sent to live with my bio-mother; just like the earlier years of my life I was always rejected by my peers and lonely.

A 19 year senior (12th grade) in the private school I was enrolled in lived down the street from me, we lived close to the school so we walked home together (no buses for students living that close). I started spending more and more time with him, he quickly took on the role of the older brother always wish I had. He became a major part of my life and we spent a lot of time together outside of school. He would take me to the arcade, we went bowling a few days a week, he spent a lot of time with me and we had a lot of fun together; I considered him my Best Friend at the time.

He started molesting me after our friendship established, but the majority of our time together was spent doing fun things that were age appropriate (to me) and innocent. Sadly, some of the happiest memories from my childhood are of time he spent with me (when he wasnt abusing me). Even though I always knew there was a chance he would do something bad to me, I only thought about the fun stuff and ignored the time he spent abusing me.

We moved across the country 2 years later and I never saw him again (other in my nightmares that started in my late teenage years). After we moved I missed him more than anything else, I mourned the loss of my best friend. Like your daughter I would wish and wish that I could get my best friend back. The abuse was something that might happen, but the fun happy stuff almost always happened, so I perceived my time with him as positive overall.

Now we move to the present, I started therapy a few years ago. After weeks in therapy I finally started talking about the nightmares that plagued me for most of my adult life. I finally talked about the horrible things he did to me and how bad he hurt me. But, I always believed that he did really care about me and that he was basically good I thought that I should have stopped him from touching me that first time and then none of that bad stuff would have happened. I blamed myself for that stuff and was able to see him as otherwise good.


Sorry for making that so long, I just wanted to make sure you understood the dynamics of our relationship and how I saw him as the big brother who cared about me, and prior to starting therapy I believed that part of him really cared about me.

Here is where I get back to my point. My therapist made me take a step back and look at this from before he ever met me. She said that he most likely had these sexual urges toward young boys long before he ever met me. Those urges were always there and they were part of who he is, and it is highly likely that he was fantasizing about molesting me before he even knew my name.

After realizing that, I started to see that he had a motive to play the role of my friend he had to become the best friend I ever had in order to get away with doing those sexual things to me. If he did not have sexual urges toward young boys, he wouldnt have put enormous effort into making me think he was my best friend. In the end it was all about his sexual gratification that was all that really mattered to him, that was his goal since the beginning. While I really enjoyed the times he took me to the arcade or bowling alley, he might have hated going there, but he endured it so that he could satisfy his own desires.

Your stepson is a child and that may be a factor in how aware he was about how harmful his actions were, but I have to wonder how much of his behavior in general was influenced by his underlying sexual desires. I am not a psychiatrist and I am only relating my experiences to your situation, but I suspect that if he was to return to your home things couldnt be like they were before since he no longer has the sexual urges influencing his actions.

If that high school senior was not sexually attracted to me when I was 10, would he have taken me to the arcade and spent all of his money on me every week? Would he have made me feel like I was the most important person in the world if he had no chance at all to molest or abuse me? Would he have even bothered asking me what my name was?

I dont blame him for being sexually attracted to me, I am sure he didnt decide to be sexually attracted to young boys, but now I realize that this desire to do things to me that are horrible crimes was guiding his behavior in a major way.
During the time he spent manipulating my life to attain his goal of molesting me, he may have believed that he cared about me, but in the end if he had no chance of molesting me he wouldnt have been there.

Now, your stepson would have been there even if he had no chance of molesting your daughter, he lived there and is part of the family, that could be a factor that makes my assumptions wrong, I have to acknowledge that.

Something I want to add - this time I will be brief : |

When someone who abuses you is/was someone who you (otherwise) liked being around, if they are someone you miss when they are gone, it can lead to re-victimization later in life.

That person (the abuser) put a lot of effort into making you feel special and having fun with you, much more effort that any other "normal" best friend would ...often they take up all of your time to keep you away from anyone else (to keep you from telling on them and/or to make sure they are always around when you might tell on them)... when they are gone it can leave a huge hole in your life that needs to be filled. The more time he spent with her, the bigger that hole will be.

I know your daughter is young, but what you explain about her behavior shows that she has a hole in her life that needs filling, that is why she keeps asking for her brother back. Be sure that the hole gets filled in a way that keeps her safe. She doesn't necessarily need her brother back, she needs someone who makes her feel special like he did, someone who spends time with her and has fun with her like he did, but that person needs to be someone who wants nothing in return, someone who has no ulterior motive.

I was abused again and again because the wrong people filled that empty place in my life, please be that friend for her or find her a friend that can have so much fun with her that she wont miss her brother anymore.

I don't want to scare you or upset you, I just want to help you keep her safe by telling you why things went wrong for me and so many others. I believe your effort should be focused on filling that hole in her life instead of trying to get back something that was not real to start with IMHO.

When she is older she can reunite with her brother, when it wont do any damage... when him being there wont distract her from forming normal friendships with others.