Welcome. I'm sorry for what brings you here, but it's so good that you're here, sharing your experience and reaching out for support.

Everything you're experiencing is familiar to me and many people here. We spend much of our lives hiding what happened, terrified to be known, and trying to pretend we are "normal". But everything you describe IS normal for someone who has experienced the trauma of child sexual abuse.

Healing is absolutely possible. You need the space and the support to own what happened to you and to start to heal from it. Most people here are in therapy. One way to find a therapist experienced in sexual abuse cases is to call the hotline number at Rainn.org.

And don't worry about other people's timelines. You are young. Where I come from people usually don't settle down until their 30s. What's important now is finding support for your healing. Coming here is a great start.

I'm so sorry that happened to you. I carried my abuse until I was almost 30. I never told anyone either after telling my mom and her not doing anything about it. I didn't even realize how it affected me until I went through counseling. Counseling and a support group helped me to accept what happened as an experience but not the thing that defined me. It will always be apart of my experience but not greater than the whole of my expierences. I don't hide it anymore and I'm not ashamed of it either. I don't wear it like a badge but if someone I know is hurting because of abuse than I can relate my expierence and the hope that healing is possible. In groups that are safe I can share and with people that are safe or where I feel lead to share. This in itself would have brought me to panic prior to counseling.

One break through moment for me came when I chose to place the shame I felt in the proper place with the perpetrator. I gave it back to him all of it. It was never mine to carry or deal with it was his. I did this by confronting him but it can be done other ways also.

I'm a Christian and I don't know if you are but if you are this brought me some comfort also there is a verse that says Christ refused the shame of the cross. Of course the cross was meant for thieves and murderers. He was put on the cross through no fault of his own. I was abused through no fault of my own I may have been treated shamefully but like Christ I have learned to refuse the shame.

Either way the shame is not yours and I wish you love and healing in your journey.

Hello. Welcome to the group. I am very sorry for what happened to you and that it is still affecting your life today. Please know that you CAN heal and have a wonderful happy life.

Please consider finding a therapist to help you heal from what happened. A good therapist will help you sort through all the feelings you are having and will validate them.

Please keep coming here and talking to us. There are many supportive and caring people here who understand exactly how you feel.

Take care

9november99,

The rest of your life will be the same unless you decide to take further action.

Good that you write. Good that you found this group. Good that you were able to tell us what happened to you when you were seven. Good that you realize there are trust issues.

Where trust is concerned, 9november99, I personally believe that the place trust must first find root is within ourselves. It took me a very long time to realize that trusting myself was critical. Once I learned to trust that I could handle whatever was in front of me it freed me to extend that trust to people who earned my trust. Yes, other people must earn my trust and that takes time.

You say, "Relationships don't work." Again, 9november99, the most important relationship you will ever have is with yourself. How is that relationship?

Probably one of the most ironic thing about healing from sexual abuse is the fact that no one can do it for us, but it cannot be done alone. So, if it's possible, do go to Rainn as mew2 suggested and find a therapist who is trained to work with survivors. That will be one of the most important actions you can take on your own behalf--that, and continuing to share your feelings here.

You can heal.

xx
SuzA

I am sorry for what you went through.

hmmm....that is really true heartsadx.

having a spiritual belief is very very important.


that said, sometimes, we forget to pray in relation to the worst times.


this support group is going to be what I make it.

so, if I put a lot of effort into my wellbeing, taking care of myself, nurturing myself, then, yes, I will become a stronger being, able to give to others.

right now, I am not there yet.


I barely meet my own needs because of this repression I suffer from (story for another post) but abuse, whether it be to make one sexual, or, to make one asexual -- is still abuse.

I thank you for having the courage to share about your abuse, and for getting to this board.

maybe if we all make an agreement that we will keep trying, no matter what, unless our Lord tells us not to, then we can together find the support that beings need to make manifest the glory of God.

and for me, that means, healing.

you said you are young. well, I wouldn't worry about that now, because then you have the whole rest of your life with God, to work on your relationship with Him, and to believe that you are recovering, as it says so to believe, in our bible.


you take care, and God bless you. maybe start by trying to trust Him.....

I totally understand, and at times, still am there..
Very sorry for the reason that brought you to this site, but we/I'm glad you are here..

With me, I was molested at 5 at a family picnic, and I was raped by a neighbor kid who was younger than me, when I was 12 or 13...
For many years, I think the physical abuse and mental stuff was worse to me than the sexual stuff...
Well, the reason I say this is...
I learned that the only time anyone wanted to be around, or be my friend was when they wanted or needed something from me, then toss me to the side..
Even if it was as small as changing the oil in the car... Or they were upset and needed someone to hit, I was there...

I know and understand the 'keeping at arms length' sometimes even that was to close for me.

Sorry, for everything... But in a nice way, glad you're here..
If you want to talk, drop me a line, or any one of us here..
Be glad to listen, or talk, vent or what ever ..

*gentle hugs*




Notalone00

P.s., you really not alone, but it will feel like it sometimes...

Thank you for sharing. I relate to all you wrote about. I do hope as another person wrote in their reply that you do seek a competent therapist to help you through the healing process. I am only beginning that process myself and feel encouraged by it. I have held onto my silence for decades and it has crushed me emotionally and robbed me of many relationships. Keep sharing here and anywhere you find helpful. Having a place or a trusted person to share your pain with is so healing itself. I wish you well.

Thank you all for your messages. I wasn't getting any emails, so didn't think I got any replies. Still figuring out this site.

Thank you for saying that I am NORMAL, mew2. I feel like I should have moved past this by now and be getting on with my life like everyone else, but I can't stop or change the way I feel. Part of me isolating myself has made me agoraphobic. I've only gone from home to work in the past 4 years. I'm terrified to go outside of this routine.

It scares me that this is my going to be the rest of my life, but it's also a comfort that I'm not going to get hurt again in this simple routine.

I have considered finding help in the past, but talking to someone new or even going somewhere new is a whole new challenge to me. I have heard of therapists you can talk to over the phone, so I will definitely look into that.

Thank you, SuzA for the points you made. It made a lot of sense to me. I'm glad I found here too Notalone00. I don't feel so alone already. I've held onto this for so long, it felt good to finally tell someone, even if you are complete strangers.

Hugs to you all.

This site use to send emails and have chat and other cool things... But most of all don't work anymore...

Also, you really are totally NORMAL!!! (Yes I know, there is no such thing as being normal, but in the victim/survivor world, we like to know we really are normal!!) and you really are that...

Now the next topic...
Never ever compare yourself to anyone. Even if things are very similar, our healing all happens at different speeds..
I've been on this site for many years. I have seen, and even myself, so many heal, and so many who give up...
Please, take your time. If you want to talk, find someone who has similar issues or you feel you can trust... Myself included..
Or write a journal and make it 'friends only' then who ever is your friend on here, only them can read it..
Practice typing stuff out, a little at a time... Or how ever much you feel like you can do.
Never let anyone push you into talking.. About anything .. Here of in real life.

With me when I started, I felt very alone, I felt I was the only person who was abused in 'this way'.
I found someone (not here anymore) who calmly asked questions... Never pushed me to talk, and when I was ready to talk, she was here for me...
Over time I slowly re-gained my 'power to talk' back.
Now I can talk about what I went through with anyone on here, and even explain different things about things...( trying not to say much, would hate to trigger anyone...)

Take things slowly... Only you know how fast/slow to go.
Never tell yourself that you 'should be farther along than this'.
It's hard, no doubt... But we really are here for each other!!

Hang in there!!

*gentle hugs*

Notalone00

:)

so many have already said wonderful things and great advice. I just wanted to share that i too isolate to protect myself. i am nearly 40 and have no friends outside of the internet, and even then only 2. I too much prefer to be at home, as i think i get triggered fairly easily and never before really understood that was happening to me. I really like what SuzzA said. First learning to trust yourself, that is huge and key, and i'm just in the beginning of that myself. I haven't trusted myself to keep me safe from others in a long time, which is a huge reason why i isolate, i might be lonely but at least i'm safe. So in time i'm slowly beginning to trust that i can keep me safe from harmful people. and yes trust must be earned. I believe and hope that healing will come in time. anyway i just wanted you to know your not alone in isolating yourself.

i thought i'd also add that one of my goals in therapy is to one day have meaningful relationships with a few friends that i can trust. So i think it's great that your recognizing this about yourself now. I know someone said you shouldn't compare yourself to others, but i have to say, it feels like your miles ahead of me, and i think that's great. You can't change what you don't acknowledge so i think your most definitely on the right track. Even now i'm not that concerned about my isolating myself, it's been such a huge way for me to protect that i'm not too keen on wanting to drastically change that any time soon. but is something that i'm working on.

Hello November.

The others have given you good suggestions. I especially agree with No one. You have to heal at your own pace, and if you don't already have a counselor, or even if you do and you don't feel comfortable with him/her, keep trying. Sometimes it takes a few tries to find someone you can relate to.

Unfortunately, the abuses we suffer come out in lots of ways, not all of them make sense. Please try not to judge yourself too harshly. As you heal, you will be able to work on the intimate relationships part.
Gentle Hugs!