Don't be ashamed or embarrassed. The best, brightest and most successful people fail all the time, and everyone loves the atrocious...especially in America.

I come from a family of truly badly behaved artitsts...and they were always invited to the best and most exclusive parties, even though their behaviour was extreme and unpredictable...For some people (many people) having friends who are a little bizare is like having an exotic pet...or riding a roller coaster....it brings some excitement into their vanilla lives.

Your problem is not that you are a little bit mad...all the best people are a little bit mad...your problem is that you have low self esteem. Don't worry about "fitting in" It isn't necessary.

You have as much right, as anyone else, to enjoy life and take part in it. Be brash, be bold, don't fret about what other people think. Confidence is what attracts people.

Therapists, generally, aren't really successful, socially or financially. Some are kind and nurturing people. Most are jerks. There are better role models out there for you. Read some books and find some.

I am not making light of your feelings. I know that it is tough to get back out there when you feel injured and vulnerable...but the more you do it...the better you will get at it.

as ever ....THANKS MARIE!!! :) I appreciate your comments. It's good to see you online.

Just remember...everyone else...even the 'neurotypicals'...are walking around worrying about if they look fat-in-these-pants, if they said the right thing...they are all in their own little worlds, worrying about what other people think about them....and yes...they are even wondering what YOU think of them.

thanks! :)

I don't even need the hospital stigma to do this to myself. If a toddler looks at me judgementally it can send me into hiding.

I really have to push myself to socialize. After decades of nudging, I am still not fully convinced it is worth the effort. Especially now that I can socialize in anonymous comfort over the internet.

The internet is a wonderful thing and it has allowed me to meet many wonderful people, and to have meaningful and long term relationships. Some have moved into first life, and some have remained in second...but they are all important to me.

Sympathize so much with you Mark...and with Arfie... Socializing is always a failure or a weird mess and I get to that inevitable whats the point mindset. :( Love internet and love the instant retreat or the dodging I can do if I get freaked out/attacked. Still, I miss "first life" friendships (heh I like that Marie!)

Maybe its not self esteem though...? I know for me its not. I don't feel badly about myself I just don't trust anyone else enough to let them near or to allow myself any vulnerability around them. Including eating, wearing short sleeved shirts (i.e. showing any skin besides hands/face), and even smiling/making expressions when its really peaked.

Sympathies :( wish I knew how to make it better--sometimes think this is just how it is.

My only "friends" are online on sites like this one. I am your classic loner, asocial person in 3D. I dont know how to do the whole social thing and yes I believe it gets more and more difficult after each hospitaliztion. I've never been a part of a 3D social network...just online. I like being in the hospital because there are people in there with the same illness as me and that makes me comfortable. I guess the same goes for sites like this...we all can relate one way or another with each other. Everyday normaloes I just dont relate to. It is like we are from different universes and I get the feeling they will all reject me anyway.

I have this problem severely!!! ESPECIALLY after hospitalization!! I love the internet!!

Other then my Feb one. My last hospitalization was around 2001. I got involved with a sort of an unofficial out patient clinic was some self esteem self assertiveness group courses etc and a barbecue on Fridays. I found all that helpful to get the social skills going after hospital. That program has all changed now but was based on an American program

before my DX, i had lived in 9 different cities in 7 different countries, so my social network was scattered and non-existant.

now, i am in perfect isolation. static live-dead. where am i? what year is it?

i LOVE being a ghost, but it is lonely at times.

After a while I never was able to stop being socially awkward! I have mental and phsyical issues so I have been in and out of the hospital my whole life! I have even started feeling safer to talk to people my age while in the hospital then my friends and family at home!

hospital was alright for me because it seemed like everybody was like me, and they looked out for eachother. but i don't want to go back in there since i have become vegetarian and independant. my only friend really is my housemate, he is 68 years old, he has enriched my life and i trust him because he is very simple, kind and easy going. sometimes i miss excitement and feelings that comes from having a social network, when a neighbour talks to me when i am outside i feel like i am coming down to earth from my psychoticness, i get psychosis mainly at night when i can't sleep, psychosis to me is a way to vill the emptiness, i am just starting to learn to get over my hallucinations and try to let them go. i spent lots of time online. I have felt like making is friends is not worth it too, but i am still making baby steps so as to not isolate myself completely and get lost in my own mind like i did during highschool.

thanks flyorra that's really excellent insight and input. I appreciate it.

ps. I am taking a break from a family party that I am at right now. I feel awkward as 'all get out' - I have next to nothing to say and in that fuzzy got nothing to say mentality that I have got - I am spacing out and just hoping to appear pleasant. I can say at least I am trying to socialize and I feel this - is good advice taken from Flyorra to just "try" and not get lost in the mind. Oh what a long road it is to getting back to a little bit of normal - but I'll take that victory that at least I am here and trying it. Thanks everyone for all your input on this post. Here's to us all having a good week ahead! :)