Me and eveyone else I knew that attended the first retreat. EVERYONE. You're in very good company Hep.

heptet,

I had the same panicky what the hell am I doing feeling. I was thinking of every excuses to go.... I was hoping a teacher would say I couldn't miss class..... Turns out the women's study department sponserd me and gave me money to go instead... haha that tactic backfired. Then there was a bus on fire that blocked the entry ramp to the airport.... I told my brother that this was a omen and I should not go... But him and my sister pushed me out, we hugged and the plain ride was fine.

Needless to say, after all the jitters and anxiety, I was greeted at the airport by Tonya with a hug, and after the first night of nerves I was out of my shell and had a blast. You will be fine, it is scary but just the fact that you are coming shows that you are strong.

I told my parents that I had booked my flight yesterday. I can't decide how I feel about it. I expected them to be angry or whatever but I received a kind of disappointed resignation. My dad was like..you're 23, you can do what you like. I'm not happy about it but what can I do the flights are booked. He said something to me that I think will become my fear mantra if I let it - "You're either going to have the time of your life or it's going to be the last time of your life."

He's worried about me and thinks he's going to get a call from police about me being murdered or something. I replied if that was the case I can guarantee the murderer would be no-one I'm going to meet. It's more likely he gets a phone call about a plane crash or something.

I think I would have preferred anger. Anger I can challenge but this kind of disappointment that I did this without his/their involvement is making me sad and wishing I had done it differently. But I had my reasons for doing it by myself. No-one at home, friends or family, has been overly supportive. By booking and then telling I can just say..tough, it's important to me. You're either supportive or your not.

Makes me nervous of telling my friends..what if they have the same kind of response..

I'm so grateful I have all you guys to support me through this

Geez, why do people always have to be so dramatic when someone does something new? "It could be the last time of your life." WTF is THAT?!

For the record, keep in mind that the retreat is sponsored by our State Coalition on Sexual Assault, has been covered by the media, is fully insured, is located on a church campground, and our volunteers include Coalition employees, women from my church, and my wife. Keep those facts handy for responding to drama-prone critics. :)

Catchy as a whole phrase though :)

Yeah I know...my initial reaction was to just laugh then I mentioned the whole more likely to be plane crash thing and my sister starting mentioning that I could survive a plane crash into the sea but then get eaten by sharks and it all diffused into hysterics after that.

Excellent, I am writing that down as I type. My family isn't church orientated but it should help some :) Thanks

I am going to book my flight soon. As soon as I get my refund from my financial aid for school. Oh wait. I hope it's not too late to register for the retreat.... what is the deadline for that, btw, because I might have to pay for the flight first and then the registration fee a bit later if possible.

Hep, From what everyone, from the first retreat to the second said was that their family/friends/therapist...whomever they decided to tell , reacted with a partial or all out full fear driven response. So it's not unusual at all.

I get that fearful feeling when my husband goes hunting for the week during the hunting season. Someone could shoot him, he could fall out of a tree or a someone could snap and go on a shooting rampage ( in fact that has happened 3 times near to where he hunts.

If you're not confident about coming, showing fear yourself that might be fueling some of that response. I can tell you as fare as fear and worry and all that jazz...you are in very good company. Before the last retreat we had a post where people could list their fears. Writing them out helped quell some of them. But we have to be careful we don't get too imaginative with the 'what if's', that could back fire.

Like your dad said..You're 23. You are old enough to make this decision and the trip but you're also young enough not to have had a great deal of solo (transatlantic or otherwise) travel experience. So I suppose this trip..just coming over to the retreat could be your skydiving experience alot of people try as a gift to themselve to commemorate their healing. Some get tatoos...I personally am content with a good cake and a good wine.

Once we know when you're plane will arrive we can arrange some descriptions or photos for faces to look for at the Airport.

Jezzia, no deadline but at least send in the paperwork from the website when you can so I can plan food purchases.

Judy: you get BONUS points today. Do you know why?

Jez I've done flights first too. I kind of presumed the retreat wasn't going anywhere and flights were the biggest expense so I wanted to do that first. Also because if I had flights it meant I was definitely going and couldn't back out as easily.

finaly, it could be my fear/hesitation fuelling some of it. It's kind of catch-22. I showed my fear of having to do connect flights as a way of including them into the experience; my dad then went onto explain what happens and that I would probably be escorted to next flight. But the flip side of that is that it shows them how inexperienced/young I am and they start seeing me as a child again. Not long after that opening up he said something about me not thinking about the trip properly. I stood up for myself and said I had had over 14 months to think about it, it was an adult decision - go me :)

I'm smiling because I think you've pretty much summed up why the trip became so important so quickly to me. It's my skydiving survivor's tattoo. It's something beautiful and good that I am doing for me.

A short story..

I was still feeling all powerful and yay look at me about the flights yesterday at the gym. I was away with the fairies on the rowing machine just thinking about my technique when I looked up into the mirror and realised one of my rapists was walking right past me. This normally would have resulted in some form of panic attack. What happened was I faltered for a minute and then I got angry about him being in MY gym and that he wasn't going to ruin my life any more. I can go on holiday alone and I can get myself fit again despite his attempts to destroy me etc etc. and I used that anger to have a really good workout (which I am now paying for with achy limbs lol).

It's four months away and the decision to go to the retreat is already helping me heal :)

Do you need a paper copy of the form or can I scan and email it?

Wow. I just looked up flights. I might have wait for next year... again. :-(

Hep, don't worry about the connecting flights, people do that all the time, and the airlines are made for it. My mom had a worried response when I told her years ago about the first retreat (I had planned on going but ended up being unable to after all). She will be a bit more chill this time I think, she realizes it's a valid thing and not just some guy bringing women out to the wilderness for god-knows-what real reason. (No offense, Matt, but I'm pretty sure that's what her fear was a couple of years ago... ) She gets it now. In her defense, I was so hesitant to explain myself two years ago that I probably didn't actually give her much information as far as explaining what the retreat was about... All of that aside, You are grown. And you will be just fine traveling alone. As a matter of fact, you might just LOVE it and find it's your new passion! (Going on solo adventures, i mean).

Oh gosh. I really hope I can go. I have been waiting for some monies I am counting on, but I hadn't really looked at flight prices until now. I'm gonna start crossing my fingers and reminding myself that the Universe will send me what I really need... Good energy out/good energy in...

Original or scanned, either way is fine.

Jezzia....

I will be sending alot of positive thoughts and energies your way....POSITIVE THOUGHTS AND ENERGIES TO JEZZIA FOR THE RETREAT!

Because I spelled transatlantic correctly?

"You're either going to have the time of your life or it's going to be the last time of your life."

That is so over the top dramatic!! It made me laugh for several reasons:

1. I was at the retreat last year and I've never met people that I felt safer with, Matt included.

2. Part of me wanted to joke that your biggest danger would be from the yeti in the woods. But actually it would be from one of us trampling you as we ran inside because we were CONVINCED we heard some creature in the woods.

3. This sounds like the sort of wacky extreme stuff I say in therapy...there's a name for it but I'm not sure what it is...false dilemma? My therapist calls me on it all the time. I'll say something like, "I can't figure out if I'll have a wonderful time or if everyone will hate me, I'll have nightmares, and I'll go crazy." And he'll say, "Well, there are some other possibilities" and I'll stare at him blankly, unable to come up with any until he says things like, "Maybe everyone will like you, but you'll have one nightmare. Or maybe you'll have nightmares, but you'll still have a great time. Or maybe you'll just have an OK time." I'll sit there wondering, "How does he come up with this stuff? I was convinced there were only two possibilities!"

The truth is that life is never that extreme. Although, in many ways, the retreat was the time of my life!