Resurrection After Rape Community Group
Discussion, question-and-answer, general social support, and journal processing for progress-oriented rape survivors. No crisis, no damaging or triggering conflicts--this is for individuals who want to contribute to collective, cooperative action toward the goal of making actual PROGRESS through rape trauma. Much of this work is based on the book "Resurrection After...
I've been thinking about some of the spiritual questions that are often confronted during recovery from betrayal trauma (such as rape, abuse, domestic violence). One of the questions that a lot of survivors seem to have is how to manage their hatred toward their perpetrator, especially if they have been indoctrinated to believe that hate is sinful or wicked. How, they wonder, can I love God and hate my perpetrator? Will God condemn me for hating someone? How can I love a God who loves the person who violated me?
These are crucial questions, and something tells me that the streamlined "God loves everyone and you should too" answers aren't sufficient. I think we need to explore a more mature, more thoughtful, and more honest theology of God, justice, hate, and love. I am not calling for a new endorsement of "holy hate", but I do think survivors deserve much better answers to these questions.
I'd really appreciate input from diverse spiritual starting points, including multiple Christian perspectives (fundamentalist, liberal, Catholic, Protestant), Jewish, Muslim, Indigenous (tribal), and even "undefined" spiritual beliefs.
Here are my religious stuck points:
If God brings us into interconnection with all life ("Gakina Awiiya"), are we forced to acknowledge that this connection also includes our perpetrators?
I have heard that "God loves everyone." If that is so, it includes perpetrators of betrayal trauma. How can that be? Is there an answer more sophisticated than the old "love the sinner/hate the sin" slogan, which just seems insufficient to me?
Does the holiness of God somehow diminish if we perceived God as being capable of hating, say, a child abuser or incest perpetrator?
If God DOESN'T hate them, what positive message can God still offer the survivor? How can I truly see God on "my side" (if I am a victim), if God seems to have tolerance and grace for my perpetrator?
Is "hate" perhaps the wrong word? Has it become too poisoned by things like bigotry, cruelty, and misogyny to use here? If "hate" is not the right word, what word does describe God's feelings toward perpetrators and rapists?
I'm not asking people to answer all of these like an essay exam; these are just MY starting stuck points. I'd like to hear your beliefs, though. Respect for all who are willing to divulge their private spiritual discernment here!
These are crucial questions, and something tells me that the streamlined "God loves everyone and you should too" answers aren't sufficient. I think we need to explore a more mature, more thoughtful, and more honest theology of God, justice, hate, and love. I am not calling for a new endorsement of "holy hate", but I do think survivors deserve much better answers to these questions.
I'd really appreciate input from diverse spiritual starting points, including multiple Christian perspectives (fundamentalist, liberal, Catholic, Protestant), Jewish, Muslim, Indigenous (tribal), and even "undefined" spiritual beliefs.
Here are my religious stuck points:
If God brings us into interconnection with all life ("Gakina Awiiya"), are we forced to acknowledge that this connection also includes our perpetrators?
I have heard that "God loves everyone." If that is so, it includes perpetrators of betrayal trauma. How can that be? Is there an answer more sophisticated than the old "love the sinner/hate the sin" slogan, which just seems insufficient to me?
Does the holiness of God somehow diminish if we perceived God as being capable of hating, say, a child abuser or incest perpetrator?
If God DOESN'T hate them, what positive message can God still offer the survivor? How can I truly see God on "my side" (if I am a victim), if God seems to have tolerance and grace for my perpetrator?
Is "hate" perhaps the wrong word? Has it become too poisoned by things like bigotry, cruelty, and misogyny to use here? If "hate" is not the right word, what word does describe God's feelings toward perpetrators and rapists?
I'm not asking people to answer all of these like an essay exam; these are just MY starting stuck points. I'd like to hear your beliefs, though. Respect for all who are willing to divulge their private spiritual discernment here!
I find the "God is Love" idea comforting. I look at it like a wonderful gift from Him to each of us. When I give people a gift, I put a lot of thought into finding it and giving it to them. I am always invested in their treatment of the gift. I get thrilled when they like it, use it, and treasure it. I am disappointed if they don't understand the thought that I put into finding it. I get upset if they put it in their next yard sale. Their decision to use my gift is completey out of my hands, but I still care. Whatever they do usually reflects not on me but on their values. I find that people who treasure my friendship treasure my gifts, and the people who take my relationship for granted (like some family members) treat my gifts more casually. I will not stop giving people gifts no matter how they treat them. I like giving gifts.
I find solace in the fact that it is each person's responsibility to treat God's gift as something special and holy. It reflects on the person what s/he does with God's gift of love, not on God. It also does not change the gift of love that God has given me. I however choose to hold it with reverence and pass it along. I will use God's gift to enhance my life, as well as heal and maintain my soul. I hope that God looks more favorably on my approach. However, I do not think that God will stop giving love to my attackers. I believe in redemption if people are sincere. But the ball is in their court, not God's.
As someone in the natural sciences, I believe all life on earth is connected by DNA. There isn't fundamentally a value system placed on this connectedness. It just exists. However, I place more significance on some people or other living things, as I believe all species on this planet tend to do. Self preservation or species preservation - they are both similar and natural inclinations. I don't beat myself up over it.
There were about a half dozen years in my life, up until around 10 years ago, when I embraced a system of theology that I thought had all the answers. We certainly had well-articulated intellectual answers and pet phrases we would say to each other. But that system almost sucked the life out of me, because there was little room in it for emotions, for failure, for the messiness of life -- for much of anything but the intellect.
And now? It seems like I have less and less answers. Facing up to how profoundly my rape effected me brought on a huge spiritual crisis that I've only partially recovered from. The sources I tend to turn to for spiritual advice don't seem able, or willing, to address the painful questions that I can barely put into words. I'm tired of simplistic answers that make me feel like some sort of failure for not being able to "give it all to Jesus and let Him sort it out", etc. If I don't feel like a failure, I'm usually incredulous at the advice, wondering if I and the advice-giver even live on the same planet.
I need something more real, something more gritty. I'd rather hear from people who don't have all the answers, people whose faith has been battered, people who have experienced "dark nights of the soul", people who have been angry at God or who have run from Him, people who have struggled and fought and wept for every answer they do have.
You're right, Matt. We're not hearing enough from the right voices.