Rebuilding Marriage After Infidelity Community Group
A community for those who have been through the heartbreak of infidelity and decided to stay with their partner and try to re-build the relationship.
On an infidelity thread Pink Pony asked How the CS managed to pull off cheating. Being able to do that to someone you say you love. Good question. I have actually put a lot of thought into that for myself. I will attempt an answer.
I believe our subconscious mind works very very hard to give us what we want even if we know consciously that this is really not what we want. Even if what we want is really bad for us and we know it. Like that battle in the mind over dessert when we are trying to lose weight. Do you notice how hard your mind works to give you that dessert? How about a half a piece? Just a bite? This instead because it has less calories and more fiber? Yes, our mind works hard to make us happy even if it is working against us. Even if it will destroy us. When addiction is involved it only gives strength to the battle.
So it begins, whatever it is that entices us and begins to draw us in. It's flattering or fun, it seems innocent enough but it progresses. Perhaps we try to stop it a few times but the attempt is half hearted because deep down we don't want it to stop. Once it reaches a certain point we start concealing. We wouldn't want our SO to find out what is going on here. It still seems under control. At this point addiction may already be a factor. Maybe we realize this maybe we don't. In my case it was definitely part of it but I was not aware. The addiction was to the adrenaline libido rush.
When the temptation comes to "cross the line" the battle begins in earnest. It's me against myself and the battles are dreadful and painful. Bloody wars, if you will. I don't want this to happen, but yes, I do. I want it to stop but I don't. I can't do this. I don't think I can stop it.
I felt my mind working constantly, trying to convince me, trying to find a way. Reconfiguring my thinking. Building within me the ability to live a double life. Building walls and barriers and blockades. Compartmentalizing, as I've heard it described. I FELT all this happening. I was aware of it. I tried multiple times to stop it. I called the battle the battle of good girl, bad girl. At times I was not sure who was winning.
So many things that were happening to me surprised me. This was all very new territory. I would NEVER EVER have considered myself capable of these things. It was very very out of character for me. I am the last person anyone who know me would have ever expected to do such a thing.
Almost from the beginning I had a 180 personality change. It was noticeable. The constant libido, feeling like a teenager. I was happy and energetic. I felt young. All my interests changed. I felt very flirty and man crazy. The battles I mentioned above were not constant. They happened during what I call "moments of clarity." And times when I got scared.
The battles actually increased and got worse as I got closer to "crossing the line" and after the first few times I did cross it. Sometimes when I was alone working I would get very scared about what I was doing. I would feel sick and have near panic attacks. In those times I would call OM or text and "get over it" with my mind still trying to soothe me.
There was a moment, a very specific moment when I gave up the battle. I simply stopped fighting. After that I was about 95 percent into the double life. OM noticed that change. I felt no guilt after that. I just went with it. Bad girl had won. I kept my lives separate after that and did not allow myself to think about what I was doing anymore. I convinced myself that I was doing it. I was keeping both men happy. I was successfully having a spouse and a lover and I loved them both and it would be fine.
To the best I can explain it that is HOW it happened. The mind, I have discovered, is a very complex machine. Reading back over this it kinda looks like I am blaming the mysterious subconscious mind for what happened. Ugh! No! In the end I am responsible. Every part of me. Conscious or subconscious. I am not a victim of anything or anybody. I am now responsible for the hard hard hard work that I am doing to rebuild myself and heal. I am utterly determined. I will never be the same person I was before. I don't want to be.
I know this could be triggery. I am sorry if it was for anyone. I hope it may have helped in some small ways.
I believe our subconscious mind works very very hard to give us what we want even if we know consciously that this is really not what we want. Even if what we want is really bad for us and we know it. Like that battle in the mind over dessert when we are trying to lose weight. Do you notice how hard your mind works to give you that dessert? How about a half a piece? Just a bite? This instead because it has less calories and more fiber? Yes, our mind works hard to make us happy even if it is working against us. Even if it will destroy us. When addiction is involved it only gives strength to the battle.
So it begins, whatever it is that entices us and begins to draw us in. It's flattering or fun, it seems innocent enough but it progresses. Perhaps we try to stop it a few times but the attempt is half hearted because deep down we don't want it to stop. Once it reaches a certain point we start concealing. We wouldn't want our SO to find out what is going on here. It still seems under control. At this point addiction may already be a factor. Maybe we realize this maybe we don't. In my case it was definitely part of it but I was not aware. The addiction was to the adrenaline libido rush.
When the temptation comes to "cross the line" the battle begins in earnest. It's me against myself and the battles are dreadful and painful. Bloody wars, if you will. I don't want this to happen, but yes, I do. I want it to stop but I don't. I can't do this. I don't think I can stop it.
I felt my mind working constantly, trying to convince me, trying to find a way. Reconfiguring my thinking. Building within me the ability to live a double life. Building walls and barriers and blockades. Compartmentalizing, as I've heard it described. I FELT all this happening. I was aware of it. I tried multiple times to stop it. I called the battle the battle of good girl, bad girl. At times I was not sure who was winning.
So many things that were happening to me surprised me. This was all very new territory. I would NEVER EVER have considered myself capable of these things. It was very very out of character for me. I am the last person anyone who know me would have ever expected to do such a thing.
Almost from the beginning I had a 180 personality change. It was noticeable. The constant libido, feeling like a teenager. I was happy and energetic. I felt young. All my interests changed. I felt very flirty and man crazy. The battles I mentioned above were not constant. They happened during what I call "moments of clarity." And times when I got scared.
The battles actually increased and got worse as I got closer to "crossing the line" and after the first few times I did cross it. Sometimes when I was alone working I would get very scared about what I was doing. I would feel sick and have near panic attacks. In those times I would call OM or text and "get over it" with my mind still trying to soothe me.
There was a moment, a very specific moment when I gave up the battle. I simply stopped fighting. After that I was about 95 percent into the double life. OM noticed that change. I felt no guilt after that. I just went with it. Bad girl had won. I kept my lives separate after that and did not allow myself to think about what I was doing anymore. I convinced myself that I was doing it. I was keeping both men happy. I was successfully having a spouse and a lover and I loved them both and it would be fine.
To the best I can explain it that is HOW it happened. The mind, I have discovered, is a very complex machine. Reading back over this it kinda looks like I am blaming the mysterious subconscious mind for what happened. Ugh! No! In the end I am responsible. Every part of me. Conscious or subconscious. I am not a victim of anything or anybody. I am now responsible for the hard hard hard work that I am doing to rebuild myself and heal. I am utterly determined. I will never be the same person I was before. I don't want to be.
I know this could be triggery. I am sorry if it was for anyone. I hope it may have helped in some small ways.
Oliveann- I decided to adapt this attitude mostly for me..... but it has seemed to work for us both. I have to tell myself to live in the here and now almost every day.
In C and at Retrouvaille- (Christian Peer Ministry for troubled M) it is emphasized that love and trust are a decision as is forgivness. I have also learned in a Psychology class and I have read that our brain doesn't know the difference in the memory as the past or present and when we dwell and obsess (which I do at times) the emotions come back as if the train wreck is happening all over again. Thats why making that decision everyday ,as you are is SO crucial to our own mental health and recovery.
Reminding me that I am doing it for me really helps.
Knowing that others are making that decision everyday only makes me more determined. It helps to know that I'm not alone in my decision to stay and work on myself and my M.
Ow and I became friends gradually. We had kids the same age and they loved to play together. It seemed natural to hang out w/ them. Looking back...... How stupid could I have been?
Her and her H came over frequently to party..... lots of drinking. Long story short..... I eventually found them on the couch sleeping together. He admitted to me that he had feelings for her. She played the innocent and I believed it at first. We broke all contact w/ her and her family. I decided to forgive him and try to move on. Easier said than done. He was very remorseful and I was severely depressed. It was a dark time.
We continued to drink alot.... with different ppl. He had this lovely habit of staying out till 3 or 4 in the am. I hated it. I only drank at home, then would pass out.... he would go party w/ the neighbors.
In sept of 2011, a girl from our street said that they had an ONS and he had given her clymidia. She told him on the down low but he came to me immediately to tell me about the accusation and deny it. The girl is known to be a liar and a slut. I had to make a choice as to who to believe. I took a few weeks and decided I couldn't believe this girl that I had known for a year. We both got tested and were negative. Could it have happened.... sure. And that was the issue w/ us. I couldn't just automatically believe him b/c he had give me reason to not trust him. Eventually, I chose to believe him.
This situation brought the 1st EA to the surface. I was f'd up all over again. We had basically rugswept and realized we had to work on that and many other things in our M. That was 6 mos ago. We went to MC and my H was willing to do anything to earn back trust. We are doing real good now. Mostly b/c H did all the things in the "musts for rebuilding" He doesn't even know that there is such a thing..... but when I read it, I realized he had been working on everyone of them.
Yes, after a few months of MC and IC I realized that I had to work on me and my state of mind. We all have obsessive thoughts and have to squash them. It only drags us further down and keeps us there. I am done with that crap. Thanks for sharing the psychology fact w/ me. It reinforces my choice.Yes. I am also very determined to R. I will say that I will not tolerate this shit again! My H knows that he is gone if he allows himself to be that husband again. I will kick his ass out so fast and not give it a moments regret. This is part of my growing stronger in mind. I am not afraid anymore. We will get throught this, girl!
For us the issue is more of his current behavior. He doesn't properly communicate especialy when it comes to oc and visitation. He doesn't tell me when the days change. He sees him while he works. Picks him up and keeps him with him for a couple hours. I get triggered when I hear the kids voice unexpectedly in the background. My H sees it as a minor issue of "oops I forgot to inform you of the change". That then to me triggers a whole slew of emotions which end with all the hurt of his lies bubbling to the surface.
We are beginning a new round of mc tonight. Hung for a good connection with the new counselor. Thank you gabbi and cole for being such a great example of what good rebuilding and communication is all about.
Congrats on beginning a new round of mc tonight. *click of glass. My H and I are too next Friday. Here's to moving forward with our H's.
The lack of communication about the child brings back the distrust. I hope you can get H to understand how the two connect.
By the way, I don't agree that this necessarily entails an innate "lower moral compass". There certainly was one for a time, perhaps a long time, but I still believe that my wife is innately a good person, that made a bad turn, and now sees how far off the main road she had gotten. Yes, she was a "bad person" for a while, but not a bad person for life. The earnest attempts at reconciliation, humility, honest guilt and shame, and burning desire to fix things as much as possible- both in our marriage, with our family, with me and with herself- give a more complete picture of who she is in whole. If we are all defined by our lowest moment, often the one no one else even knows about, the one or ones we are most ashamed of, then we would all measure up pretty poorly on the "morality compass".
And frankly, as bad as my background story is regarding my wife's affairs and the details, I can read some of the other horror stories on this site about spouses that not only do bad, mean things to their loving spouses, but continue to do bad, mean things after the truth is unleashed- oftentimes horrible things. I cannot imagine having that degree of insult to injury that some are going through. When I read what others are still going through I just shake my head in disbelief at how amazingly self-centered and cruel once loving spouses can get to be.
I appreciate your supportive attitude and I am glad that your W is working so hard too. I like your words, "burning desire to fix things as much as possible."
It is a long hard road to restoration. The damage done is extensive. even in a supportive marriage it just takes a lot of time and hard work and concentrated effort.
Thanks again
That said, I know I am going to anger a lot of people here by what I am about to say, but I think that some perspective is in order. If you want to exile me from the group, or delete this post, so be it. Here goes:
Reading through this thread, I have been shocked by statements such as: "I hate to say this but I also think cheaters have a much lower moral compass. They are self satisfiers"
"why or how a married person betrays a loving spouse is just beyond me"
Wow. Really? No one here can figure out that human beings in general, even those with the best intentions, are prone to temptation once in awhile? Moral compass has nothing to do with it. Obviously people who have morals, often violate them. I don't think generally their behavior is any more or less responsible than people without strong moral convictions. People do what they can get away with. This may sound cynical but I don't see any evidence that it's otherwise.
It's baffling to me listening to all this talk about infidelity as if it was some huge puzzle of human behavior. People rape, murder, exploit and torture other human beings. It must be really hard for you to live in the real world if you can't accept that people experience attraction to people that aren't their spouse.