Rebuilding Marriage After Infidelity Community Group
A community for those who have been through the heartbreak of infidelity and decided to stay with their partner and try to re-build the relationship.
On an infidelity thread Pink Pony asked How the CS managed to pull off cheating. Being able to do that to someone you say you love. Good question. I have actually put a lot of thought into that for myself. I will attempt an answer.
I believe our subconscious mind works very very hard to give us what we want even if we know consciously that this is really not what we want. Even if what we want is really bad for us and we know it. Like that battle in the mind over dessert when we are trying to lose weight. Do you notice how hard your mind works to give you that dessert? How about a half a piece? Just a bite? This instead because it has less calories and more fiber? Yes, our mind works hard to make us happy even if it is working against us. Even if it will destroy us. When addiction is involved it only gives strength to the battle.
So it begins, whatever it is that entices us and begins to draw us in. It's flattering or fun, it seems innocent enough but it progresses. Perhaps we try to stop it a few times but the attempt is half hearted because deep down we don't want it to stop. Once it reaches a certain point we start concealing. We wouldn't want our SO to find out what is going on here. It still seems under control. At this point addiction may already be a factor. Maybe we realize this maybe we don't. In my case it was definitely part of it but I was not aware. The addiction was to the adrenaline libido rush.
When the temptation comes to "cross the line" the battle begins in earnest. It's me against myself and the battles are dreadful and painful. Bloody wars, if you will. I don't want this to happen, but yes, I do. I want it to stop but I don't. I can't do this. I don't think I can stop it.
I felt my mind working constantly, trying to convince me, trying to find a way. Reconfiguring my thinking. Building within me the ability to live a double life. Building walls and barriers and blockades. Compartmentalizing, as I've heard it described. I FELT all this happening. I was aware of it. I tried multiple times to stop it. I called the battle the battle of good girl, bad girl. At times I was not sure who was winning.
So many things that were happening to me surprised me. This was all very new territory. I would NEVER EVER have considered myself capable of these things. It was very very out of character for me. I am the last person anyone who know me would have ever expected to do such a thing.
Almost from the beginning I had a 180 personality change. It was noticeable. The constant libido, feeling like a teenager. I was happy and energetic. I felt young. All my interests changed. I felt very flirty and man crazy. The battles I mentioned above were not constant. They happened during what I call "moments of clarity." And times when I got scared.
The battles actually increased and got worse as I got closer to "crossing the line" and after the first few times I did cross it. Sometimes when I was alone working I would get very scared about what I was doing. I would feel sick and have near panic attacks. In those times I would call OM or text and "get over it" with my mind still trying to soothe me.
There was a moment, a very specific moment when I gave up the battle. I simply stopped fighting. After that I was about 95 percent into the double life. OM noticed that change. I felt no guilt after that. I just went with it. Bad girl had won. I kept my lives separate after that and did not allow myself to think about what I was doing anymore. I convinced myself that I was doing it. I was keeping both men happy. I was successfully having a spouse and a lover and I loved them both and it would be fine.
To the best I can explain it that is HOW it happened. The mind, I have discovered, is a very complex machine. Reading back over this it kinda looks like I am blaming the mysterious subconscious mind for what happened. Ugh! No! In the end I am responsible. Every part of me. Conscious or subconscious. I am not a victim of anything or anybody. I am now responsible for the hard hard hard work that I am doing to rebuild myself and heal. I am utterly determined. I will never be the same person I was before. I don't want to be.
I know this could be triggery. I am sorry if it was for anyone. I hope it may have helped in some small ways.
I believe our subconscious mind works very very hard to give us what we want even if we know consciously that this is really not what we want. Even if what we want is really bad for us and we know it. Like that battle in the mind over dessert when we are trying to lose weight. Do you notice how hard your mind works to give you that dessert? How about a half a piece? Just a bite? This instead because it has less calories and more fiber? Yes, our mind works hard to make us happy even if it is working against us. Even if it will destroy us. When addiction is involved it only gives strength to the battle.
So it begins, whatever it is that entices us and begins to draw us in. It's flattering or fun, it seems innocent enough but it progresses. Perhaps we try to stop it a few times but the attempt is half hearted because deep down we don't want it to stop. Once it reaches a certain point we start concealing. We wouldn't want our SO to find out what is going on here. It still seems under control. At this point addiction may already be a factor. Maybe we realize this maybe we don't. In my case it was definitely part of it but I was not aware. The addiction was to the adrenaline libido rush.
When the temptation comes to "cross the line" the battle begins in earnest. It's me against myself and the battles are dreadful and painful. Bloody wars, if you will. I don't want this to happen, but yes, I do. I want it to stop but I don't. I can't do this. I don't think I can stop it.
I felt my mind working constantly, trying to convince me, trying to find a way. Reconfiguring my thinking. Building within me the ability to live a double life. Building walls and barriers and blockades. Compartmentalizing, as I've heard it described. I FELT all this happening. I was aware of it. I tried multiple times to stop it. I called the battle the battle of good girl, bad girl. At times I was not sure who was winning.
So many things that were happening to me surprised me. This was all very new territory. I would NEVER EVER have considered myself capable of these things. It was very very out of character for me. I am the last person anyone who know me would have ever expected to do such a thing.
Almost from the beginning I had a 180 personality change. It was noticeable. The constant libido, feeling like a teenager. I was happy and energetic. I felt young. All my interests changed. I felt very flirty and man crazy. The battles I mentioned above were not constant. They happened during what I call "moments of clarity." And times when I got scared.
The battles actually increased and got worse as I got closer to "crossing the line" and after the first few times I did cross it. Sometimes when I was alone working I would get very scared about what I was doing. I would feel sick and have near panic attacks. In those times I would call OM or text and "get over it" with my mind still trying to soothe me.
There was a moment, a very specific moment when I gave up the battle. I simply stopped fighting. After that I was about 95 percent into the double life. OM noticed that change. I felt no guilt after that. I just went with it. Bad girl had won. I kept my lives separate after that and did not allow myself to think about what I was doing anymore. I convinced myself that I was doing it. I was keeping both men happy. I was successfully having a spouse and a lover and I loved them both and it would be fine.
To the best I can explain it that is HOW it happened. The mind, I have discovered, is a very complex machine. Reading back over this it kinda looks like I am blaming the mysterious subconscious mind for what happened. Ugh! No! In the end I am responsible. Every part of me. Conscious or subconscious. I am not a victim of anything or anybody. I am now responsible for the hard hard hard work that I am doing to rebuild myself and heal. I am utterly determined. I will never be the same person I was before. I don't want to be.
I know this could be triggery. I am sorry if it was for anyone. I hope it may have helped in some small ways.
I am glad you have changed Gabi. And we are all proud of you. I think people can change their stripes if they really try but a lot won't because it isn't worth it to them.
What did you do to try to stop it? And what were the moments of clarity?
My H told me he wanted out of iit, but didn't know how and he was hoping it would just go away.
You are right about the brain always wants to feel better and in an addictive person it is strong.
Thanks for sharing -Olive
That's another part of it. Once you are out of the fog you realize how much damage you have done. Not just outside of yourself but inside. It goes very very deep when you have betrayed not only your SO but yourself as well, everything that you have lived, taught, believed and held dear. Everything that really matters and you threw it all out. Just like that. Unbelievable. I understand now why it takes so very long to heal on both sides of the spectrum and why it takes so much work and diligence and extreme commitment and you have to go very very deep within to dig into issues you weren't even aware of before. The changes and safeguards put in to place, and the diligence are forever. Just like a person with an addiction we must stay diligent and never take anything for granted.
But I do know how the brain works when you know something is wrong but you really want it bad. If I could label it, I would call it the addictive brain. It works to construct rationalizations, feelings of victimhood, minimizing the wrongness of something while making you feel that what you want will mean the world to you. It works to keep as much of its feet and nose in the door as humanly possible. Even when you feel you may be winning, it will keep a small hook. Something that seems innocent enough but it provides a way back, a "not burning" of the bridge. Then you take the hook, and a worm is on it, and next thing you know, you've flung the door open and taken it all in again.
I think the main reason I've not gone down a lot of roads that I could have, due to my more sexually addictive nature, is that I simply refused to go down them and get hooked. I know once you open that door, it becomes very hard to shut it all the way closed again.
But Gabi's done a good job of not just closing the door, but installing locks on it and moving the dresser in front of it. :D
The moments of clarity are the opposite of whisps of fog. The fog is heavy but once in a while there is a whisp of no fog and you see exactly what it is you are doing. Most of the time you don't allow yourself to look at it and see it. You keep yourself firmly wrapped in the fog, in the deceit of your own mind. You see? Even the fog is not something that "happens to us." It is a thing of our own making. We need it to do what we are doing.
It was in one of those moments of clarity that I asked God to save me from myself.
He did.
Thanks, God.
When dday happened I was so devastated I was more understanding of how torn he was and even now when it comes up he is self loathing about it, the problem now is me, I am still very angry and want to with draw, I think because I am stronger and see things more realisticly.
Your honesty is appreciated and helpful. AT least it helps me to try to have some idea of the internal struggle.
I am a Christian also but for so long I did things Gods way, I tried to be the biblical wife-loving, forgiving ,etc now I wonder if it will be worth it to forgive.
Thanks for letting me share-May God Bless You and Cole in your recovery
You sound sincere and I think you did your best to explain but for me..... just not good enough. I don't think I will ever get to a point where I can say.... "ok I get it now". I hope my honesty wasn't too much.
Consequently, we can never make sense of it because the whole basis for an addictive behavior is to act irrationally, against reason. It runs roughshod over it. Which is in one part why I've always feared it. I've always been afraid I would lose my mind and do something really stupid. But I've not. But I know that's how it works, and my wife's A proves that to a large degree.
Yes, she can tell you what was going on in her mind, how she was looking at it in the midst of the A, but it will not "explain" it. It only tells you what she was going through. Even she, looking back on it, asks herself, "Who was that woman? I don't know her." It doesn't make sense to me how she could have allowed herself to do that, and she can't explain it totally. And I imagine when she gets off work and has time to respond, she'll say something along the same lines.
The way I try to make him feel better about the A is by my actions. I am back to being the good wife I was b4 all this started. I kinda said "to hell w/ him" for a while. I am back to showing him respect as a man and showing him love. He is responding. I really feel for the CS that is remorseful and has to live w/ the pain they caused by their actions. I would take his pain away if I could. It really hurts me that he has to live w/ this. But, we all have our crosses to bear. I know I have mine.
I really appreciate Gabbi for explaining it the best she could. I hope you get to a place where you can forgive yourself..... It has to be hard.
Yes, this was only an attempt to show what was going on in my head during that time. The battle and all. It is very hard to reconcile who I was during that time. When you reconcile an account everything matches up and comes out right and makes sense. But it can't be done.
Lisette, I always appreciate your straightforwardness mixed with caring and sincerity. It is refreshing and I respect what you say.
This is hard for me although I am trying more "mindfulness" and live in the present.
Thanks for the post---I'll remember that.