Rape Support Group

If you or someone you know has been the victim of rape, this is the place to find support and get advice. If you want, discuss your experience, share your feelings, and meet others going through a similar situation.

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Supporting a rape victim?

Evamoose
Evamoose

I've been friends with a guy for a while now and always interested and recently despite both being very nervous we went out on a date together. Afterwards he told me he wasn't ready. I knew he'd had some trauma in his past but he'd never been able to tell me what. 

I didn't want want to lose his friendship and he agreed we should keep talking. Last night he confessed to me that his last relationship had been extremely violent from her side and that towards the end she had raped him. Now any physical contact at all sends him into an extreme anxiety attack. 


My heart is breaking for him and I want to support him and help him get through this. However I am a pushy tactile person by nature and am terrified I'll hurt him or do more damage. 

He's told me he wants to go on SSRI's and have CBT and I think that's a good step but what can I do? other than listen and try to be patient. What can I do?

notalone00
notalone00
Sorry, I don’t know what those abbreviations stand for..
I have two suggestions though.. is he in therapy??
Also, maybe point him to this website?
That way he can find out from other guys who have been raped, and maybe can help in the times when others just don’t know/understand...
sometimes guys open up to other guys what they’re afraid a loved one could pass judgement..
nothing against you, though with me, I’m much more comfortable coming here and talking to others about thoughts or feelings than with my wife.
She knows, but doesn’t understand some things... here we do.

Just thoughts.. hope I helped a little.
Evamoose
Evamoose
Thanks so much for replying.

SSRI's are anti depressants and will help him to bring his anxiety down a little. CBT is Cognative Behavioural Therapy. He says he wants to try and I think that's really fantastic of him. A lot of people wouldn't.

I dont know that I'd class myself as a loved one as we only went on the one date but I care about him more and more with each conversation. I feel honoured he opened up to me though as I dont think he has told anyone else, other than a councellor, who wasn't really equip to be able to help him.

Notalone00, were you able to ever be intimate with your wife again?
Evamoose
Evamoose
Sorry if that question is too personal
actuallynervous
actuallynervous
Evamoose, it’s really a good sign of you as a supportive person that you’re asking these questions at all. I think your first instinct to listen is a good one. Other than that, the main thing you can do (speaking from a place of what I want from others who I confide in) is to be mindful. This means making a point to remember and respect his boundaries, avoiding making insensitive comments or jokes, things like that. You might mess up. We all do at some point. But wanting to be kind and supportive goes a long way. You already know the most important part, that you don’t know it all about what he wants and needs. Respect his journey and his treatment decisions.
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