Rape Support Group
If you or someone you know has been the victim of rape, this is the place to find support and get advice. If you want, discuss your experience, share your feelings, and meet others going through a similar situation.
One Man's Story of the Night He Was Raped
By Annamarya Scaccia
December 26, 2012
Annamarya Scaccia tells the story of James, a former Marine who was drugged and raped by an older woman when he was 19 years old.
James Landrith was 19 years old when he was raped.
He met his friend at a club he frequented near Camp Lejeune, the North Carolina base where he was stationed as a United States Marine. He wanted to listen to music and dance, to relax after a long week.
But his fellow Marine friend, who brought along a female civilian, disappeared. James didnt see him for the rest of that Friday night in August 1990. He was left alone with this older woman, who was stranded without her own transportation. She asked James to drive her home after the club closedshe was pregnant, he says, and wanted to have fun since she didnt socialize much. He obliged and, as a thank you, she bought him some drinks.
James doesnt really imbibe. The Illinois native usually has one drink and then sips on soda. But after the second cocktail that evening, he was tired, disoriented.
He thought he was drunk. His motor functions escaped him and his sense of clarity lost. He couldnt understand why, though. It was only two drinks. Thats not enough to knock James out, even if he wasnt a heavy drinker.
He was in no position to drive her home, despite her insistence. He wasnt going to risk arrest or discharge from the Marines. So, at her suggestion, they split the cost of a double-bed room in a nearby motel. Theyd sleep it off and in the morning, be on their way.
He blacked out quickly.
James wasnt looking for sex. He loved someone else back home. And neither was the woman, or so she insisted.
But in the middle of the night, James awoke to her on top of him, his penis somehow inside of her. He muttered some words. She enticed him back to sleep.
When he awoke again around 8 a.m., she was in the same position, masturbating while grinding aggressively against his naked lower body. He was still foggy, unsure of his surroundings, or why she was riding him. He didnt remember anything about this woman, not even her name.
He just met her the night before. He only planned to drive her home.
Unexpectedly, she warned him not to move or use force. I was kind of surprised, [thinking] Youre on top of me, having sex with me and Im not to do anything? What does that mean? James recalls. It didnt occur to me I was being raped. You dont hear about it happening to men or by women, so I was having difficulty connecting that at first.
In that moment, he laid back. He didnt know what to do or what was happening. He just wanted her off of him.
He attempted to stretch out his legs, stiff from the long period his rapist was straddling him. She accused him of trying to harm her, and said if he did anything, he would hurt her unborn child. It would be his fault.
I told you not to be forceful, she ordered again.
It was a cloaked threat, James saystwisted words he believed meant shed report him of rape. And he would never harm an innocent third party. He isnt a monster. So he stayed still, in shock, mentally disconnecting from his bodyan outsider witnessing the rape.
He even pleaded with her. He wanted to know if there was anything he could do because he wanted her to stop. But he says she got angry, like he was disrupting her concentration.
Finally, his rapist reached orgasm from self-pleasure. James was expected to immediately dress and take her home. I couldnt even wash her off of me, he says with repulse. Sure, she drugged me and raped me and Im still supposed to drive her home.
He did so, entering her apartment and cuddling with her on her couch, all on her command. At one point, her legs pinned him down so he couldnt move.
He wanted to get away from her but wasnt in a rational state.
I just did as I was told, he says, apologetic for the anger in his voice. I was very compliant because I was in shock. Im not thinking, Hey, this woman is a predator. Im thinking, I dont know whats going on here. Let me do whatever she tells me.
Eventually, his rapist got tired of him and said he could leave.
For three years, he suppressed that night through promiscuity. He slept with loads of womeninterested in them or not. Several were married and several were much older. Sometimes protection wasnt used simply because the women didnt want to and he didnt care.
It was his way of taking back controlof offering his body before someone could take it.
He could have contracted HIV or impregnated someone. An angry husband could have brutally assaulted him. While none of this happened, James realizes his behaviordown to his inability to say nowas alarming.
It was ridiculous and scary and stupid, says James, now 42 years old. Its not something Im proud of, but its how I handled the situation.
After marrying his wife in 1993, he traded in promiscuity with overworking and being a 22-year-old father to his 8-year-old stepson. He buried himself in his work, sometimes logging 60 hours a week. He buried himself in his family, going to PTA meetings and visiting relatives. He did everything he could to avoid his rape.
I just called it a bad night, a weird night. I dont know what happened and I tried to move on, says James, who left the Marine Corps in 1995. I just wanted to be so good at what I did that I just dived into it really deep. Thats something male survivors do sometimesthey become workaholics. I did it textbook.
James was also submissive with his wife during the earlier years, withholding wanted feedback because he thought agreement would make her happy. He partly attributes this docility to their age gap (his wife is seven years older.) He would defer to her more rather than defend his opinion because he felt she had more life experiencealthough he faced a lot of rough stuff already. It was a mixture of perceived maturity and a trauma that silenced his voice.
In 2008, he could no longer ignore it. While talking to a female coworker at a previous job, an innocent comment sparked a verbal flood of what happened that night. Before, he hadnt told a soul the whole details. He didnt want to face the truth. As long as I keep lying to myself, I dont have to worry about it and its all gonna go away like magic, he says.
When he did say something, it wasn't all the way. One time, he revealed it vaguely in response to a friends crack about sex with pregnant women (Jamess wife was pregnant at the time). His oblique admission was met with jokes.
But he had to confront it that day. Finishing his story, his former colleague told him, without hesitation, he was raped. It floored me because I knew she was right."
After that conversation, he researched online resources for rape survivors and scheduled a therapist appointment. He knew there was no way in the world he could heal alone.
His first counseling session was taxing. His rape was, again, a fresh wound. When he sat with the therapist, the room seemed to spin. He was terrified to tell another person what he had only told one person ever.
After the session, he sat in his car for two hours, closed his eyes and cried. I felt really stupid, he says. Hes not currently in therapy but plans to return to revisit unfinished themes. It was just a lot of emotion to dig through and years of denial. It takes a toll on you emotionally, and physically exhausts you.
He told his wife six weeks later, after an intimate touch from her caused him to freeze. I felt dirty, and I felt like doing anything would be dirty, he says. It wasnt really about my wife. It was about physical contact at that point.
James has made progress since starting his journey of healing. It took some years and a whole lot of introspection, but now he can admit the rape wasnt his fault, that he isnt less of a man because he didnt fight back, and that, yes, women can do hideous and horrible things like rape.
I've stopped believing that I will be 100 percent the same as I was before I was rapedand that is OK, says James, whos also a public speaker and blogger on sexual violence and survival advocacy. How I live going forward is a choice I can control, even if she took choices away from me that night.
He knows theres more work to do, though. There are other triggers he has to tackle, such as interacting with aggressive, angry or loud womenwomen who reflect the personality of his rapist. Around them, he becomes quickly defensive and searches for an exit.
But he knows he cant do this without help, and cautions the same for other male survivors.
Stop listening to people who dont care about your issues and your healing. You will need to take care of your healing and plot your own course, he advises. Surround yourself with a few good allies. When you cant hold yourself up, you may need them to do the lifting.
Annamarya Scaccia is an award-winning freelance journalist and graphic designer who's written extensively on sexual violence, reproductive health & rights, marriage equality, constitutional issues, body image, and gender roles, among other rousing topics. Her work has appeared in/on Philadelphia Weekly, Philadelphia City Paper, Prince George's Suite Magazine, RHRealityCheck.org, TheDailyFemme.com, BLURT, and Origivation. Follow her on Twitter @sitswithpasta.
http://www.rolereboot.org/sex-and-relationships/details/2012-12-one-mans-story-of-the-night-he-was-raped
By Annamarya Scaccia
December 26, 2012
Annamarya Scaccia tells the story of James, a former Marine who was drugged and raped by an older woman when he was 19 years old.
James Landrith was 19 years old when he was raped.
He met his friend at a club he frequented near Camp Lejeune, the North Carolina base where he was stationed as a United States Marine. He wanted to listen to music and dance, to relax after a long week.
But his fellow Marine friend, who brought along a female civilian, disappeared. James didnt see him for the rest of that Friday night in August 1990. He was left alone with this older woman, who was stranded without her own transportation. She asked James to drive her home after the club closedshe was pregnant, he says, and wanted to have fun since she didnt socialize much. He obliged and, as a thank you, she bought him some drinks.
James doesnt really imbibe. The Illinois native usually has one drink and then sips on soda. But after the second cocktail that evening, he was tired, disoriented.
He thought he was drunk. His motor functions escaped him and his sense of clarity lost. He couldnt understand why, though. It was only two drinks. Thats not enough to knock James out, even if he wasnt a heavy drinker.
He was in no position to drive her home, despite her insistence. He wasnt going to risk arrest or discharge from the Marines. So, at her suggestion, they split the cost of a double-bed room in a nearby motel. Theyd sleep it off and in the morning, be on their way.
He blacked out quickly.
James wasnt looking for sex. He loved someone else back home. And neither was the woman, or so she insisted.
But in the middle of the night, James awoke to her on top of him, his penis somehow inside of her. He muttered some words. She enticed him back to sleep.
When he awoke again around 8 a.m., she was in the same position, masturbating while grinding aggressively against his naked lower body. He was still foggy, unsure of his surroundings, or why she was riding him. He didnt remember anything about this woman, not even her name.
He just met her the night before. He only planned to drive her home.
Unexpectedly, she warned him not to move or use force. I was kind of surprised, [thinking] Youre on top of me, having sex with me and Im not to do anything? What does that mean? James recalls. It didnt occur to me I was being raped. You dont hear about it happening to men or by women, so I was having difficulty connecting that at first.
In that moment, he laid back. He didnt know what to do or what was happening. He just wanted her off of him.
He attempted to stretch out his legs, stiff from the long period his rapist was straddling him. She accused him of trying to harm her, and said if he did anything, he would hurt her unborn child. It would be his fault.
I told you not to be forceful, she ordered again.
It was a cloaked threat, James saystwisted words he believed meant shed report him of rape. And he would never harm an innocent third party. He isnt a monster. So he stayed still, in shock, mentally disconnecting from his bodyan outsider witnessing the rape.
He even pleaded with her. He wanted to know if there was anything he could do because he wanted her to stop. But he says she got angry, like he was disrupting her concentration.
Finally, his rapist reached orgasm from self-pleasure. James was expected to immediately dress and take her home. I couldnt even wash her off of me, he says with repulse. Sure, she drugged me and raped me and Im still supposed to drive her home.
He did so, entering her apartment and cuddling with her on her couch, all on her command. At one point, her legs pinned him down so he couldnt move.
He wanted to get away from her but wasnt in a rational state.
I just did as I was told, he says, apologetic for the anger in his voice. I was very compliant because I was in shock. Im not thinking, Hey, this woman is a predator. Im thinking, I dont know whats going on here. Let me do whatever she tells me.
Eventually, his rapist got tired of him and said he could leave.
For three years, he suppressed that night through promiscuity. He slept with loads of womeninterested in them or not. Several were married and several were much older. Sometimes protection wasnt used simply because the women didnt want to and he didnt care.
It was his way of taking back controlof offering his body before someone could take it.
He could have contracted HIV or impregnated someone. An angry husband could have brutally assaulted him. While none of this happened, James realizes his behaviordown to his inability to say nowas alarming.
It was ridiculous and scary and stupid, says James, now 42 years old. Its not something Im proud of, but its how I handled the situation.
After marrying his wife in 1993, he traded in promiscuity with overworking and being a 22-year-old father to his 8-year-old stepson. He buried himself in his work, sometimes logging 60 hours a week. He buried himself in his family, going to PTA meetings and visiting relatives. He did everything he could to avoid his rape.
I just called it a bad night, a weird night. I dont know what happened and I tried to move on, says James, who left the Marine Corps in 1995. I just wanted to be so good at what I did that I just dived into it really deep. Thats something male survivors do sometimesthey become workaholics. I did it textbook.
James was also submissive with his wife during the earlier years, withholding wanted feedback because he thought agreement would make her happy. He partly attributes this docility to their age gap (his wife is seven years older.) He would defer to her more rather than defend his opinion because he felt she had more life experiencealthough he faced a lot of rough stuff already. It was a mixture of perceived maturity and a trauma that silenced his voice.
In 2008, he could no longer ignore it. While talking to a female coworker at a previous job, an innocent comment sparked a verbal flood of what happened that night. Before, he hadnt told a soul the whole details. He didnt want to face the truth. As long as I keep lying to myself, I dont have to worry about it and its all gonna go away like magic, he says.
When he did say something, it wasn't all the way. One time, he revealed it vaguely in response to a friends crack about sex with pregnant women (Jamess wife was pregnant at the time). His oblique admission was met with jokes.
But he had to confront it that day. Finishing his story, his former colleague told him, without hesitation, he was raped. It floored me because I knew she was right."
After that conversation, he researched online resources for rape survivors and scheduled a therapist appointment. He knew there was no way in the world he could heal alone.
His first counseling session was taxing. His rape was, again, a fresh wound. When he sat with the therapist, the room seemed to spin. He was terrified to tell another person what he had only told one person ever.
After the session, he sat in his car for two hours, closed his eyes and cried. I felt really stupid, he says. Hes not currently in therapy but plans to return to revisit unfinished themes. It was just a lot of emotion to dig through and years of denial. It takes a toll on you emotionally, and physically exhausts you.
He told his wife six weeks later, after an intimate touch from her caused him to freeze. I felt dirty, and I felt like doing anything would be dirty, he says. It wasnt really about my wife. It was about physical contact at that point.
James has made progress since starting his journey of healing. It took some years and a whole lot of introspection, but now he can admit the rape wasnt his fault, that he isnt less of a man because he didnt fight back, and that, yes, women can do hideous and horrible things like rape.
I've stopped believing that I will be 100 percent the same as I was before I was rapedand that is OK, says James, whos also a public speaker and blogger on sexual violence and survival advocacy. How I live going forward is a choice I can control, even if she took choices away from me that night.
He knows theres more work to do, though. There are other triggers he has to tackle, such as interacting with aggressive, angry or loud womenwomen who reflect the personality of his rapist. Around them, he becomes quickly defensive and searches for an exit.
But he knows he cant do this without help, and cautions the same for other male survivors.
Stop listening to people who dont care about your issues and your healing. You will need to take care of your healing and plot your own course, he advises. Surround yourself with a few good allies. When you cant hold yourself up, you may need them to do the lifting.
Annamarya Scaccia is an award-winning freelance journalist and graphic designer who's written extensively on sexual violence, reproductive health & rights, marriage equality, constitutional issues, body image, and gender roles, among other rousing topics. Her work has appeared in/on Philadelphia Weekly, Philadelphia City Paper, Prince George's Suite Magazine, RHRealityCheck.org, TheDailyFemme.com, BLURT, and Origivation. Follow her on Twitter @sitswithpasta.
http://www.rolereboot.org/sex-and-relationships/details/2012-12-one-mans-story-of-the-night-he-was-raped
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Middy is off for a bit so if anyone needs a CL please just give me a shoutSending a big hug...xo
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I was sexually assaulted as a kid. I find it hard to accept that another person's actions caused me so much harm. He made bad choices and now I am paying the price. Stupid PTSD!
I too am one. It was a neighbor, though the part no one ever believe is that he was younger than me by about two or three yes .
He beat the crap out of me, and one day decided that while he was throwing corn cobs (straight off the stock) at me, I was laying on the ground. He kept throwing them, gave me a little black eye. I was curled up in the fetal position protecting my head. He grabbed a fresh corn cob( was full of corn almost ready to be harvested) and at first tried to jam it through my shorts and in my butt. That didn't work, he pulled my shorts to one side and made it with the corn cob....
I understand body responses, and still subjecting one's self to other things too. I kept hanging out with him, and he would rough me up every now and again... Oh move up words and onwards.
I didn't mean to tell all that... I'm sorry if I triggered anyone.