I am new here and don't really know where to start. I just realized after i don't know how many years and how many rapes that,  each of them decided that is was ok to do what they did to me. The first time I was 22 straight off the farm didn't know anything and he knew it. I packed it so far away, that I still can't rememeber it all. I have a mind block. I always told myself he loved me so much he couldn't stop or that he would never do that to me...Reality is he DID and he wanted to and there was no love or even feelings. He planned it. I have never consented to any of the sex I have had...stark realization that I never wanted it b/c I knew how mean and rough and most of degrading it would be.  Only ever had 2 bf's and I am 38. My life is passing by and I have rape trauma syndrome..which keeps me from doing things I used to enjoy...all my friends moved on and left me behind after it happened the first time. I feel....I feel overwhelmed by feelings I didn't know I had or couldn't acess.  I feel that same feeling I felt the first time it happend...terrified and frozen..I have seen many therapists...they never seem to help. I am medicated for PTSD from those incidents...but it doesn't seem to help it just numbs out the feelings. We have no support groups in my area..I am really alone. I am ashamed to say how many times I was raped. I feel responsible for the whole mess. There was never anyone to help me. My parents and sister tell me to let it go leave it behind.....WELL my nightmares and flashbacks won't let that happen. I never feel safe anywhere...seems like no one even cares.Those of us who are victims, it seems like to society we don't matter. It's taboo to even say rape. Let alone to have it happen to you. I am so lost right now. Can anyone help or identify??