I think when you're strong enough you will. Perhaps you're just not ready to share. It took me many years to share all of the feelings and fears that came with my rape. Several of which ended up being unfounded but I felt them just the same. ((hugs)) you're not alone

Thank you so much for your advice. How many years did it take before you were able to open up? It's been almost 4 years and I try not to think about it because it feels like I'm reliving it all over again. But there are times where something triggers those memories and I become very down. I realize that I need to talk about it but don't know how to. I've had anxiety over the last few days because I told my therapist I would talk about my past abuse at our next session. I feel all of the shame, guilt, and depression that I have been avoiding come back. I don't like the emotions that come with facing everything and would rather bottle it back up. I just want to be normal again.

it took me weeks to talk about it a little bit to a psychotherapist. I haven't really been able to talk about the full assault till after EMDR treatment which ended last december. I would get sick to my stomach just thinking about it. So It took a good 20+ years to comfortably talk about. I guess it isn't really the timeline but the therapy I received that helped.

I'm happy that you were able to talk about it. You give me hope that one day I can do it too. ((hugs))

I had other sexual abuse before the rape so It made it even more difficult to talk about it. what really brought it out to light was when I noticed the guy who sexually attacked me as a teen was on trial and about to be sentenced. I called the detective and it brought out everything I had been storing up inside.It was worth it though because he ended up with more time. was supposed to get 18-20 years and now he has 26 years

Please, I mean no harm... I start with this because I'm a male, and I know that sometimes I don't carry as much weight as a female who has been through the same... ..
I do want to start by saying, you really are much stronger than you give yourself credit for, but I totally understand on not sharing.
It's hard, very hard.
It's so easy to talk or type it out to total strangers, but to talk about it to someone who is sitting right in front of you??? No way..
My therapist didn't know about my rape, or getting molested for a long time. He really didn't.. He knew about my physical abuse, and the mental stuff... But nothing about anything else...
Then joking about it (well, it's not a joke, but I was using it to test the waters per say, to see how he would respond....). He caught on..
He was like 'wait, what did you say?' And I repeated it...
I had told at the end of a session.. That way, I didn't have to talk right away.. But he knew..
I wasn't ready to talk, but I really was.
It didn't happen all at once, but over a long time. The one thing I haven't done in front of him is cry... I still feel ashamed of that..
In my little pea brain, crying is a sign of weakness... And I feel like I have to hold it together... Cry all I want after the session is over.

Now for the hard hitting stuff...

You might had been nieve (bad spelling of)
But being nieve, isn't grounds for rape, nor self blame.
Rape is never the victims fault. There is nothing you can tell me to convince me that you deserved to be raped... NOTHING
I don't care if you walked up to him naked, and sat next to him on your bed... No still means no.. And any... A$$ wipe, who says anything about that then still TAKES it... It's still rape!

It's taken me a long time to believe I wasn't at fault..
I was older than the kid who raped me..
I was much smaller than him, and he beat the crap out of me, then.... Well, I won't get into it...
But the hard part that I blamed myself on was that I kept inviting him over day after day knowing he could do it again, but I didn't want to loose 'friendship'... Though I was only a punching bag more than anything...

I still have bad days, I still blame myself, and Donna and kadunn, and others on here have to talk me out of the blaming stuff, and tell me the same stuff I'm telling you...
I have flashbacks, I have bad dreams.
I was molested back in the early '80's and raped in the late '80's...
beat up all through school, and then mental about not only from most around me, but also myself..

I've also been on this website since 2007...
It was thanks to this place for me being able to talk and answer questions so easily... But I found out last weekend I still struggle with telling others that I was raped or molested... It's ok, it'll come with time!

You and me and others have some great things in common...
We are SURVIVORS!!
We can talk about the past!
We can help others along with ourselves!
We have our bad days, probably always will... But we are here for each other too!!
Any one who tells you you should 'be over it' has never been through this. You will never 'get over it'... But you will learn coping skills and learn from things and situations.... I'm not blaming, very sorry I think it sounds like the old line, 'learn from your mistakes, don't let it happen again'. That's not what I'm saying... The only thing about being raped is, that you did nothing wrong... NOTHING
All these feelings, are his problem!
All the troubles that you think is your fault, it's not...they're his!!

You are welcome to talk to myself, kadunn, or others on here.
You're also welcome to post here and let us answer or help with a response!

It takes a lot of strength just to log in, and type what happened...
May I suggest printing out what you had said, and read that to your therapist??
I have... I wrote out a journal entry, then took a screen shot of it...
When mine have his input, he flat out said...
" you don't share your feelings when you type"
I know he's right, that's hard for me.. I 'report facts' no feelings hardly go into what I type... Even as I'm writing this out... I almost shared a feeling, and diverted to a different topic..
(Just as I am now)

You really are not alone in this.
Boy oh boy does it feel like it sometimes, but this site is full of survivors and victims too...

Please, I really hope you're still reading this, and haven't given up yet...
I hope I helped...even just a little bit..
You are welcome here, and I look forward to watching you grow!!

Welcome

Notalone00

Everything you've said means so much to me. I don't think that because you are a male that what you went through is any less traumatizing than what I went through. You are a very strong person. I just haven't gotten there yet. I've held everything in for so long out of fear of what people would think about me if they knew. I don't open up very easy, but holding everything in is emotionally draining and after my suicide attempt, I realized that something has to change. I was living life by trying not to think about it. I enrolled in school, got a new job, began a writing class for children's books that I've always wanted to do, and am in the process of starting a business. Then my therapist asked me in my last session about any abuse. It triggered all the memories I've been avoiding by staying so busy. The last 2 weeks have been difficult. I've lost all my motivation. I fell behind in my school work, have not started my assignment for writing class, been a zombie at work, and haven't returned phone calls for request for info on my new business. All I want to do is lay in bed all day and clear my head. My housework is falling behind, though I have managed to put on a smile and take care of my kids. But outside of that nothing else is getting done. I wrote out what happened in a journal because I thought maybe I was wrong. Maybe it wasn't as bad as I think. But after reading it I realize there is no question of what happened. The first guy that raped me got up and said himself that he raped me. I go to therapy tomorrow and I've been dreading having this talk, while at the same time I want to. I just don't think I can verbally say it or even read it to her. I feel so much shame and hurt and like you I don't want to cry. I've been fighting tears for the last week now because I told myself a while ago that I wasn't going to cry about it anymore. I don't want to feel weak or vulnerable. I want to be strong. I wish I had continued the process when I reported the last guy, but I let 2 things stop me. The first was the officer was more concerned with questioning my relationship with him when I showed her proof via text message of him apologizing for raping me because he used the word 'babe', than the fact that he raped me. We were not dating. I thought he was a good friend who was there for me while I was going through some other things in my life at the time. He calls everyone 'babe'. That's how he talks. She also claimed she could not find anyone by the name I gave her. I gave her his whole name. He has a record due to traffic violations. I can pull it up on my computer. He's in the system so why couldn't she find it. I began to feel like she thought I wasn't telling the truth. The other reason I backed out was because he had confessed a murder to me from a time in his life when he was using a lot of drugs. That should've been a red flag to me, but I never saw that side of him. He wasn't using drugs anymore (I don't think) and he cried about it. He said he wanted to turn himself in but was afraid to leave his kids. I was trying to help him prepare to turn himself in when he raped me. I had a rape advocate that referred me to a crisis center. The lady there told me that we could go to court, but chances are he would get off because most rapists do. I was afraid he would come after me if he got off because of what I know. So I dropped the charges. I did tell the officer everything he told me about the murder but she said he probably just made it up and dismissed it. I watched him cry about it. I think its true. She never believed anything I said. I don't know if my therapist will believe me either. I ask myself if it was all my fault. I'm happy to have found a place to vent about this and have support. I hope I'm able to voice it tomorrow. I really appreciate KAdunn and notalone00 taking the time to respond to me. It means so much to me. Sorry so long. I just needed to get my thoughts out. More than anything I just want to be me again