Honestly, I think that even if you are diagnosed with something, it's a good thing either way.

If you do have a diagnosis, you have something solid to hang your hat on. I'm a warfarin lifer, myself, but I have no identifiable clotting disorders. I think it'd be easier, if I need emergency medical treatment, to be able to point to an actual syndrome and have the doctors respect that. I had surgery a few years ago and had to pitch an absolute fit to get restarted on thinners before I left the hospital... the doctor was like "why do you think you need this medication" in a very condescending way...even despite my history of three clotting episodes! Having an identifiable syndrome would make conversations like that unnecessary. Also, of course, you could keep it at bay with long-term meds. (Which aren't really as bad as they sound.)

I mean, no one WANTS to have a syndrome or a long-term medical issues, but it does make some things easier and it will give you some solid guidelines for treatment and prevention, which might help with your anxiety, as well. Also, if the syndrome is responsible for the miscarriages, maybe there's treatment that will help for that in the future? I don't know... just guessing.

Also, just as a side note, it isn't "lupus" that she's checking for... it's "lupus anticoagulant," which is a completely different thing.

I wanted to follow up and say that I hope you didn't think I was blowing off your fears. I've recently had several very scary possibilities arise in my own health and I've definitely had days of being terrified myself. I'm hoping for both of us that we can find some peace, regardless of the outcomes.

And, while waiting for those test results, I hope you're able to get some sleep and you've been taking care of yourself as best you can. It's freaky to have these specters of possible diagnoses raise their heads and not be able to get immediate answers.

Hold strong!

My feeling is the same as Toss in that if it happens to be a clotting disorder, then you know. Look at it like you're just getting knowledge you didn't have before. That is a good thing. Thankfully we have anticoagulants so that if you did happen to have Hughs or the lupus anticoagulant, you have preventive measures that you can take. Again, that's a good thing.

I'm not trying to poo poo your concerns either but perspective can help dial down the anxiety. I mean, lets face it. At a certain point not being on anticoagulants is scary and then being on them is scary. So there's really no winning with being terrified since it solves for nothing.

I'm very sorry you're having to deal with this ordeal. I know how very worrying it is to have a physical problem "on the table" and be looking into it, because our minds do seem to run with it like it's fact before we know for certain, and then we imagine all the worst case scenarios. Unfortunately, I don't have much advice to give against that, except try to distract yourself and do really positive things while you're awaiting the results. But I've been in very similar situations. Once while I was waiting to set up my next cardiology appointment, I my doctor had left his office door open and I overheard him dictating his notes on my visit and he said "suspected right heart failure" and I'm going to tell you, I basically completely flipped out. I mean, I didn't right there in the office, but I had almost an hour drive home by myself in which my mind was running, running, and by the time I got home I was convinced I was a few short years from certain death. Those tests took weeks getting scheduled and then the results, it was probably something like two months from the time he said that to when I got the results, and I'm going to tell you, I could think of basically nothing else the entire time and I was sick with worry the whole time.

So your reaction I think is completely normal, but in my experience, I've learned sometimes we get ourselves worked up, and it ends up being unnecessary. Those results came back good, I didn't have heart failure, so that all-consuming worry was essentially for nothing. Now, I've had tons of things since then that I've had to be tested for, and I decided I'd never put myself through that level of stress again. It is natural to worry, but we can control it by recognizing when we're letting our imaginations run wild and consciously make the decision to think about something else. Just like any habit we want to break, it's possible to just recognize when we're doing it and decide to do or think something else. It does take some practice to get better at that, so in these next two weeks, you might not completely get control over your thoughts, but life is long, with lots of ups and downs, and this is a really good skill to learn, so work on it and do your best.

Personally I find distraction to be a really simple tool to help me control stress, I'd just make myself busy with something else that I had to pay attention to. It sounds ridiculous, but while I was in the cardiac ICU for PE, I started learning to crochet. I was so weak I could barely hold my arms up to do it, and I could only work at it for a few minutes at a time, but it kept my mind busy trying to learn it, even when I just lying there with my eyes closed. So maybe try doing whatever might work for you - if there's a craft you'd like to learn or a book or two you might want to read, this is a good time to do that. You might feel like it's silly when you've got other, seemingly more important, things to do, but doing whatever you need to do to control anxiety is absolutely not wasted time.

Regarding your particular issue, I think it says something really positive about your doctor that she's checking for APS or Hughes syndrome, because with your miscarriages, it definitely makes that something worth considering. And my feeling about finding out about a disorder is the same as Toss and rmb have said. Very few people WANT to be diagnosed with a chronic disorder. But if you do have it, you have it already, that's not dependent on you knowing about it. If you get this diagnosis, that's knowledge and power on your side, and it will help you down the road, and they've already mentioned some of the benefits of that. We've all three of us had multiple clotting episodes, and yet we've not got a name to put onto it, which can make it sometimes hard even in dealing with doctors, who don't take the problem as seriously as if it has a name put to it. My last known clot caused me to lose an artery in my arm after a medical procedure, and it probably could have been prevented if I had an identified disorder, because they would have treated my post-procedure anticoagulation differently. I didn't pitch a fit about how they handled it even though I expressed concern and said that I clot really easily and felt I needed lovenox to bridge, but they said it wasn't necessary and it ultimately put me into a dangerous situation because I did clot. Now, I feel like I and the other ladies probably have some sort of clotting disorder, but science hasn't yet identified it. Doesn't mean we don't have it, it just means we've had to suffer through more medical problems than your average person because it doesn't have a name. A person doesn't get cancer the moment they're told their diagnosis - they had it already, but the diagnosis is the point at which they can start fighting it and treating it and doing something positive to avoid future problems. Same thing here with you, if you have this, you've had it already, and knowledge gives you some level of control and power over the situation rather than just being victim to the disease.

And then still, the results might come back negative, and you won't have to worry about it at all, and you'll be able to get back to your regular again. Which is what we'll all hope happens for you! I do wish you well, and please let us know what you find out.

This is why I just LOVE you guys. First for taking the time to respond and second for being so wise. I didn't think you were dismissing my fears AT ALL but actually what you said started to put things into perspective. Anxiety has a way of making a kitten look like a tiger and the worst case scenarios play like movies in your mind. The way you all put it makes me feel like I have some power. That knowing IS power. And feeling that when things seem out of control makes all the difference. And you are absolutely right when we know a thing we can do something about it.

It also helps to remember that I am not in this alone and others have had fears as well.

I am taking your advice and trying to distract myself. My 4 month old son provides lots of that! I'm trying to get into the moment and it seems to be working.

Thank you all for your kind words and I will let you know what happens! But now I'm not as fearful and that is in great part because of your words.