Hi, very sorry to hear that you have had such a bad time lately with your husband as well as having to deal with serious health issues. I applaud you for your bravery - life is too short to be compromising the things are important to you. I had a similar experience although not my husband but my long-term partner. I had a very serious horse riding accident 2 years ago and my partner was so unsupportive. I chose to end the relationship for the same reasons as you.

Being with someone who is distant when you truly need them is really distressing. You deserve better. Either he will learn from it and change or you are better off without him. I'm so dirty you had to go through this at this time.

It's amazing how that lack of support really has such a negative impact on your self esteem. I always remember one of Dr. Phil's quotes "be your partners soft place to land" - that is how I evaluate all my relationships now and how I try to be back. It really helps me get perspective.

I hope that everything works out best for you whichever direction you decide to take.

2nd paragraph last sentence meant to read: I'm so sorry you had to go through this at this time (gotta live predictive text).

Take care.

It takes a great deal of courage to be able not only to make such a change, but to even be able to admit one is needed! So for that, good for you!!! I am sorry you have to go through it all though. To not have support from the person you need it most from is ...well... horrible. You have enought to deal with just recovering (both mental and physical).

Like survivor said, I applaud you!

Wow! I'm amazed at what you have been through in the last month. It sounds like you've got a strong fighting spirit and that is getting you through.

I left a long-term relationship when I was in my 20s for the same reason. Being lonely when you are inside a relationship is the worst thing ever. Because you should be getting support and you're just not. It is better to be alone and to only have yourself to depend on than to be constantly let down by the other major person in your life.

I'm glad you found somewhere to live! Maybe not ideal, but you do what you have to do to take care of yourself. And yeah, Santa Cruz is crazy expensive. I did a summer there back in 1996 and it was really expensive. But it is a beautiful place too ... hopefully you get some healing from that.

And healing from this will take some time. It took me a long time to recover when I ended that relationship so long ago, and it might take you a while too. It'll be a roller coaster (just like recovering from PEs) but you'll make it through stronger at the other side.

Best wishes! Hang in there!

You are one tough girl!!! It takes a lot of courage to do what you did and I admire you for that! Hang in there and rant away we are here to support you!

I too applaud your bravery! It's tough enough to recover from PE's, I can't imagine going through it while "carrying" a dysfunctional relationship! Sounds like you cut the dead weight, which can only help speed your recovery! {{hugs}}
KS

I'm sorry.

As someone who is married to a dysfunctional person and to my credit, I'm pretty freakin' dysfunctional myself, so that can make a highly difficult marriage. So I understand how tough it can be. There are many days where I think, I could just walk out that door and never look back. Love is not unconditional, as people think. It's a sheer act of will.

The end of anyone's marriage makes me sad, because I think most of us do the best we can in a marriage, given what we know how to do, given our baggage, etc.. I hope whatever happens in your life and in your relationship, you come out feeling more solid and whole.

I tend to agree with RMB, it makes me sad to hear your news, I hope that whatever happens will work out to be the best thing for you and your husband. It's not my place to comment on whether it's a good or bad decision, because I don't know the circumstances of your marriage outside of what you describe as your post-PE life. I think a lot of us struggle with feelings of abandonment or lack of understanding from family members after PE. I know my husband never went to the doctor with me and in fact he spent relatively little time in the hospital while I was there. It took me a long time to realize that it wasn't that he was unaffected by it, but actually quite the opposite - he was so affected that he wanted to run away from it and pretend it never happened. We didn't have a particularly easy road after PE, and he did some pretty stupid stuff too along the way like inviting a friend to live with us for several months, which made my burden heavier while recovering. But we worked on things and talked about how we each felt, and we just kept working at it. Believe me, I would have in many way preferred having no one but myself to take care of while I recovered, but in my case I had a new baby and a three year old, so that wasn't an option anyway. At the same time, sometimes it's good to have someone else want to get better for, I found it helped push me to keep making progress. We each have to decide our own path though, and you're the only one who truly knows your whole story and whole set of circumstances. I wish you the best.

I applaud your courage and I feel strongly that one should not have to live in a situation like that for the rest of their life since it is probably not going to get better. My first marriage was that way and when we broke up I was scared but relieved and found that my home felt like a home again. I didn't have to dread the chill in the air when he was there.

As time went on I found another partner who I married. The next 20 years were the happiest of my life but he died from pancreatic cancer in 2007. I wouldn't change a thing though since having his love and support made life special in some way every day.

You are younger than I am and a lovely person I can tell. I hope the time will come when you are posting that good things are happening and you can give yourself the credit for living up to the strength of your convictions as well.

Hugs, Cindy

I think we all can agree that a break up of any kind is a sad situation. But, sometimes, it is simply the right thing.

I think Shilosmommy is just saying there are many layers to a marriage and it gets complicated after the PE, and if you scratch the surface more, sometimes you come to understand the other person in a deeper way. It's just painful to get there.

Seriously considering how people describe their emotions and feelings after a PE, myself included, I wouldn't have thought to make any kind of life changing decision during that time. I could barely rally to make a decision on what to make for dinner. I barely understood myself and who I was.

Listen I know people have to do what's right for them, whatever that means. But sometimes, we have messed up expectations of our spouses as well after a PE. My husband did and said some really crappy things. And part of it, after talking to him months after the PE, was based on his inability to articulate how affected he was by what had happened, his fear of losing me, him seeing me collapse in our living room and the EMTs working on me. That will mess with a person's head a bit. Plus, I was not myself, so it was like he was dealing with a stranger. So how he dealt with it was acting like I was fine and good to go. It caused a lot of anger and hurt feelings between the two of us. But we worked it out.

I just think we have to do a lot of self analysis and be very self aware and look inward first at our own selves. We can't be passive/ aggressive either. If you want someone to help you, ask. Don't assume that others can read your mind about what you may or may not need. I mean, this to me is all stuff you have to fight through sometimes. And if you don't want to, then don't. I get that. But using terms like bravery are kind of strange to me. I mean, it's brave to leave someone who beats the shit out of you or emotionally abuses you, or is an addict. or something like that, but in this day and age where women can work and take care of themselves, what's so brave? Sure it's a hard choice. If I walked away from my spouse there'd be nothing brave about it. I'd just be someone who got tired of trying. The brave part is sometimes staying in the damned thing. And I don't believe for a second that everyone would agree a break up is a sad situation. This is someone's marriage. It's like death in a lot of ways, unless you weren't in it heart and soul from the get-go. I could wring my husband's neck on a daily basis, but if we were to ever crash and burn, it would be devastating to me, even if it were something I initiated.

But like everyone agrees here, people just need to do what they think is best for them. I think Shilosmommy and I were just coming from a different point of view. I wish you nothing but happiness, lifeat27. I really do.

And let me qualify that I'm not suggesting it's not brave to leave a marriage if you're abused, married to a deviant or an addict. That is brave. I just think we throw around that word too lightly to describe other situations. That was the point I was attempting to make and I'm not sure that came across.

And again, I'm not saying what's right or wrong for people. I think this post just kick starts a lot of emotions for people, myself included. Sorry, I can't just follow along with the whole you-go- girl line of thinking. This is much too serious a thing for that, in my view. And normally, I don't give a rat's ass what people do. But a nerve has been hit in me, that's for sure. And so,when I get home from the gym, I'm going to wrap my sweating sleeved arms around my husband (he hates that I do that when I'm gross) and tell him I'm glad we've made it despite the bullshit between us at times, despite our imperfections. So for that, I'm happy we all engaged in this discussion.

I agree to an extent with RMB but emotional abuse can be just as bad as physical. As you said we all have different experiences and it's what we're prepared to live with. For me growing up with an emotionally abusive father really messed with my head and self esteem. I don't excuse that behaviour anymore with my partner. But maybe someone else is ok to be in that situation. But for me it just ruins my self esteem and feel worthless and become a shell of a person so I can't put myself in that situation now that I can make my own choices.

As RMB has said if you've talked to him about your feelings of not bring supported and can't work through it then maybe that's your answer - but I gather you wouldn't have made the decision lightly. U mentioned about seeking counselling, sounds like a great idea to have someone help you through your emotions. Don't underestimate the possibility ur suffering post traumatic stress or alike and might need some guidance.

I think it does take great bravery to leave as women I think we often put up with too much crap and don't think we deserve to be treated any better - maybe that's me just projecting my own experiences to the situation but then I guess that's what we all do - where we have come from influences our outlook.

As we all hope regardless of our own opinions we all want what makes YOU happy, whatever your decision may be. Any sort of change takes bravery as it's often easier to stay in the situation you are in rather than head into the unknown. If it's what u feel is best then good for you, or if you decide to go back to your husband and try to work it out then good for you also. But maybe try to get some unbiased help to work through this with you.

Sending lots of strength your way. Let us know how ur getting on - no one is judging, you'll get support here no matter what you decide.

@survivor79 - thank you :)

The PE was not the only piece to my decision, but it helped me finalize things I was already feeling. My husband and I communicate and it has been really hard to talk about a lot of these things. There are days where we can't because one of us is not in a good place, but we have gotten together and discussed "us" since I have left and we both are in agreement that this may very well be the best choice, as hard as it may be.

I noticed a pattern in our relationship 4 years ago (we have been living together for almost 9 years) and we have tried to address it numerous times and we always seem to fall back into that pattern. It was never a question of my love for him, or his for me. I most definitely would never want him out of my life completely, he is my best friend, but he just may simply not be my life partner.

I believe the PE just made me realize how short life is and how important it is to truly be happy. You cannot sit around and wait for something to get better, you have to do something. And every time we had tried to make "us" better there was never any progress.

I think that because people often have similar experiences they can believe they fully understand someone's situation, when in reality we still have profound differences that make us unique. We are human, we make mistakes, people change. I found he became a person that wasn't what I needed and he vowed he would never change.

A small piece to the bigger picture: I caught him on multiple dating websites looking for a casual encounter....even after we were married. I hope that the sacrifice of my pride in announcing this might help express how no one truly knows the interior of a relationship or what things lead to its demise.

I cannot be happy and ambivalent simultaneously.

On a less defensive note, thank you for the tremendous support. It is nice to know there are other people out there that have experienced this. Sometimes you just feel alone, like people won't understand and will judge you because they don't know all the information....and of course, a lot of it is information you don't care to share with other people.

Of course, I am still trying to figure out what to do with much of my time, since I don't have another person to take care. I am taking long walks with my little pup, Ozzy, and reading a great book called "Too Good To Leave, Too Bad To Stay". Definitely in unfamiliar territory, but maybe that is just where I need to be. :)

Thank you again for the support. Much love to you all!!!!