TwilightStar: I am only aware of these voices from the past since a few months. I am sure, in time, I find my way to shut them up. As it is now I mostly feel the need to understand where it is coming from. With that I indeed barely have the weapons to fight them (yet).

belovely: I understand your response and think you are doing a great job of dealing with it! But realize, before being able to do so, you've to be on the better side already.

I said did before:

"I'm trying to give up the fight, allow it, focus on actions."

And almost ended up on the wrong way out...

netein, that is absolutely not true. (before being able to do so you have to be on the other side)
you have to get yourself to the other side. it doesnt just magically happen one day. i just made up my mind one day that i wasnt going to care about what the negativity said to me anymore. or be afraid of my feelings. i felt intense anxiety, horrible judgement and criticism, but i found the courage and strength to say NO MORE and began giving it less and less attention. your experiences may be different, but for me it was no easy task. it was something i have battled with for years and years and just recently decided to think differently. its a deep commitment you make with yourself and something you must follow through with at all costs.
I feel sorry for your abilities to discredit something useful, positive and valuable. I used to be the same way. I hope that you will find something that works for you without needing to redefine the experiences of others....
best of luck to you!!!

belovely: I am sorry you felt my comment as a discredit of something useful, positive and valuable. That was certainly not my intention.

Realize I was only telling about my own experience with "I am giving up the fight, allow it, focus on actions." Nothing more and nothing less. At this point I seem to need to fight in order not to give up. I am just not up to anything more yet. It will be, I am sure.

Netien,

I understand this last point you are making. Sometimes we become exhausted for a while. It's natural and happens to everyone at one time or another. So we let things be for a while, just not doing harm, and after a while find renewed strength/motivation to push more.

We are all dealing with this cycle. the fact that you feel so strongly about what is going on right now sort of shows you do value yourself, and are protecting yourself.

Peace to you and all

Thanks for saying so, Netien. I hope you can continue to get the support here you need.

netien,
I hate it when people say something kind of off and then don't take responsibility for it. You spoke of the wrong part of your statement. How was this part not discrediting towards my experience:
"belovely: I understand your response and think you are doing a great job of dealing with it! But realize, before being able to do so, you've to be on the better side already. "
How is that not trying to redefine what it was I was trying to say? Who are you to say what side of anything I must be on in order to learn how to cope? I'm not trying to start an argument, but a big part of healing and moving forward is being accountable and admitting when you made a mistake. I am also not up for letting people mumble that they didn't mean it and slip by.
Now, I could definitely, possibly be wrong here, but I'm not sure how else how to interpret what you said to me. Feel free to enlighten me.

Is it red or is it magenta?
Blue or cyan?
Is it a finger or a thumb?
A hand, a leg or an appendage?

The hardest part of speaking insecurities is the attempt to describe what is not clear. It is all to easy to listen to a description of a foot while examining a hand. I do not know, but I do believe the sharing of things which are not clear is best done with a gentle ear. We can nay be certain we are speaking of the same thing at all.

Share gently.

arfie: It does occur to me belovely and I are talking about the same issue. How to deal with these feelings of worthlessness and grow over it in a healthy, constructive, way.
As it is for me, I am still in the process of discovering and admitting these feelings with the need to find the understanding where it comes from. What caused it. The best I can do for now is to hang on, keep breathing, and find the believe I will be able to be where belovely is now, too. I do not believe any of us here was able to get over it overnight. It will take time. A lot, I guess.

This of course is all very personal. My experiences. It is not something I am going to discuss. I will ignore any challenge in order to do so. Telling it is already victory.

Yes, Netien, it is intensely personal. It can also be intensely fragile, whatever "it" is. Hence the need for gentleness.

Yes, telling it is already a victory.

YEA NETIEN!

Do that do!

arfie: "it" in my above writing literally is about "worthlessness". Of course the interpretation of that feeling can be different for any of us. The severity of it can vary too.

The feeling of worthlessness is caused by being in a disadvantaged situation with all different types of abuse in both childhood and adult life.

I never had the impression it had done something to me (if I even was aware it was abuse) until the moment came all these carefully hidden memories entirely broke me down.

That I am worthless (or otherwise a failure and sometimes nothing more than a tool for their needs) is something I've been told for decades..By several different people. It is not something that can be hammered down overnight. If ever.