I gave up having a lot of investment in what others think of me......and got used to being alone.

I think its difficult to get into realtionships and have people understand us when we suffer from this disorder which i had all my life.

At the same time with the process of recovery which has been slow and i'm still in.The feelings of self-worth have lessen...

Just because someone doesn't like me doesn't say much about me....who are they anyway??

We all have worth.

We are all mixed bags. Ying yang. Good bad. Light dark. Love hate. Strong weak. Nurturing destructive. Despairing hopeful. Etcetera contracetera through the mosaic of life. You don't get one without the other and all the shades in between.

"Nobody's fault and it should not be a big deal."

So true. Still, big deal or not, it hurts. I get past those feelings of despair by giving them their due. It is okay to say, "Ouch."

neiten,

I agree w/ unomas - we all have worth.

Relationships in this world of ours, whether we have PTSD or not, are complicated.

When a relationship is just an email relationship it is much harder to have true perspective about someone, because words are the only form of contact, Some people are very open in email, others only show part of themselves and present a fantasy picture to their email "friend". If you did nothing to provoke his dismissal, then obviously his expressions of warmth toward you before were a fantasy you were both sharing, not the reality of who he or you really are.

I like having people in my life, and I can be hurt exactly like you, but I judge my own value and find it easier to share rather than to lean or depend on others.

When you have gotten over the shock of what occurred try to understand he never knew the whole, real you, you lost communication w/ someone you never really knew.

This is not your bad. It says more about the limitations of internet 'love' than it does about you or him.

you are not alone netien, i also lost an email friend...it hurt a lot. sometimes we become vulnerable enough to another and our wounds are exposed....sometimes these wounds feel bigger than the our ability to cope...sometimes we walk away from something beautiful because we feel helpless

...sometimes it hurts bad

Thank you all.

Mentally I know indeed it is "Nobodies fault and it should not be a big deal."

Emotionally it just shows the vulnerability of my being. That big hole of worthlessness that never will disappear again.

Hard that these two live such a separate life.

john12as

"...sometimes it hurts bad"

And that indeed it does.

Thanks for understanding.

Yes, that big hole of worthlessness will always be there.
That hole is not your identity.
It is not you, Netien, which is worthless.
Bad days happen.
Feel better soon.
Stay you.

arfie said: "It is not you, Netien, which is worthless. "

That is what it all is about. I have some voices from the past that literally said "If the whole world thinks you are worthless doesn't it occur to you it is true?"

Very hard to overcome and without doubt often even the cause of problems in relationships.

Thanks for the support.

You're worth something to us.

You're probably worth something to a lot of people who know you, even if they don't take the time to tell you.

You're probably also worth something to LOTS of people that you haven't even met, yet -- maybe the most difficult part of this journey.

I wish you peace, health, and strength.

I've run into a lot of people like that. You have to be valuable to them by doing things for them or amusing them in some way...or off they go.

They're the hollow people, that's why they blow away when a breeze comes up. Real people stick around when the wind blows.

Don't listen to fools, they will make you crazy.

I am not the best one to give advice in this situation since I am there also. I have lost a lot of friends, pushed away, and some just have distanced- good or bad, no known reason. Worthlessness is like having that dark cloud over you everyday, reminding you of that you are not worth it.

Now, I can't say much more than that but I think if that those who endure trauma and abuse severely or over time, it's bound to fight us. I am there too.

True friends are the ones who stay with you even if they know how badly cracked you are.

Sorry that happened. I'm truly here for my recovery, and at times others haven't understood what that meant to me. I've mentioned elsewhere here that I started here at year ago because, on doctor's orders, I have had to give up meds because over the years they had caused me permanent kidney damage.

I'd been fully compliant with a balance of meds, weekly therapy, and face to face support groups since being diagnosed in 1995. Going without meds being part of the mix for the first time was daunting.

It has worked out very well. The support here I get is great. But it's really what I do in place of the meds I used to take. So I approach coming here very clinically. Some people who are here for more social reasons have been offended that I keep to that one purpose here. I also guard my anonymity closely because I need to be here indefinitely. Some have wanted something different from me, as they have the right to do. And I have the right to keep my own counsel, as I do.

I hope you continue to reach out in the way that's good for you here even after this experience.

Netien, no one is worthless. Everyone has a purpose in this world. You probably just have not realized it. To someone you are a bright star in their life. You are important here, don't think we don't care. There are a lot of shallow people in the world that are only into a friendship for what they can get. Real friends, like here, rally around you when you are down.

I can only thank you all..

mujicaptsd: it wasn't one from here.

RichieD: I know that type of people.. If it would have been like that I wouldn't have cared less if they left. This friendship was different.

FindingKatB Yes, it helps to know not to be the only one. It is like a tight coat that is always there. The smallest sense of rejection can undo all positive in just one second.. It should be our goal to beat it! Or at least to make it more bearable.

Net,

Im sorry this happened to you. I think a lot of what should be said has been said here.

I dont know how much I can contribute but. I know how aweful rejection feels, when you need to trust someone and you cant.

But those negative voices - they dont know what theyre talking about. I mean to say, dont listen to them. They are only recordings of negativity that people have thrown at you. I know it isnt easy. Just take them on one thought at a time.

For me, its helpful to visualize what I fight as an entity I have to keep saying "no" to and pushing away.

Theres some song lyrics, from my favorite band. It goes :
Dont let your demons drive
Theyll just steer you wrong
You wont get out alive

Of course, the alive thing is on the extreme side. If it causes you anxiety dont go that far. For me it works. It clicks with the mindset Ive had to get through this.

Anyway, I hope your situation gets better.

I have had a lot of success with the battle of depression/worthlessness, etc. lately. What I have realized is this... I am terrified that what the inner critic is telling me is true. Or even still, afraid that I dismiss the thoughts and they really ARE true and I'm even more stupid for not knowing it! (Yes, I get this crazy :) ) So I take in all this crap as a way for me to avoid the feelings caused by last statements.... I would rather convince myself i'm stupid than take the chance that im stupid and dont realize it and everyone is making fun of me for it, etc.... blah blah.
Well, I've been doing a lot of looking around at the world lately instead of being completely self absorbed (which is NOT an easy task when you are in pain and suffering, but it is possible) I have seen all types of people with all types of situations. Somehow this has lead me to a point where I can say, "Yeah, so?" For example. Maybe I AM worthless. In this moment. Yeah, so? Now what? When my head says you're a loser, I say "Yeah, so?" it's a way to take the power out of the statement and it works every time! When I admit that I COULD be a loser, and life still goes on, then what? I shrug, go do my laundry, watch a funny video and spend time with my daughter. Soon I'm feeling good because of my ACTIONS and i'm not so worried about being a loser or not. :)

This is a miracle you guys, take it from me. I would spend days on end, lying on my couch, feeling worthless, useless, ugly, stupid, didnt deserve to LIVE.... I would get just calm enough to return to function and a trigger would hit then its anxiety plus the shame of letdown and well you know the spiral......
I'm trying to give up the fight, allow it, focus on actions, let the feelings be, let the thoughts go, take ON my greatest fears and see that theyre not so bad....
We cannot CHANGE the terrible event that happened to us. but it is our RESPONSIBILITY to ourselves to overcome!!!
bless you!