Bridge Over Troubled Water...

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=iIm-YTrs4tM

Whiskey Lullaby.... Brad Paisley

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=q7tZebj1RDs

Better men did die. That's why they died. Sending me sad love stories like whiskey lullaby only make me want to push harder with my toe

I'm really looking for help here but i dont think i can live with this

but i obviously dont want to die. or i wouldnt be on this website

I know how badly guilt can make us feel... I know the power we can give it... Don't push harder gn
I have lived with terrible guilt as well... Guilt that was part of a disorder

How can I/we help you?

How about if I just ramble on for a bit?

I have never watched someone else die. But I have felt like I no longer wanted to live. My VA medical file lists me as a suicide risk. I have been lucky and sought help in time, but once only by minutes...

So, that part I understand.

I had, until this morning when I got notified he has been transferred to another hospital, a really fantastic Psych doctor. I have to back up, give you background. My issues stem from a doctor who was a Major misdiagnosing me which came so close to costing me my life - and then his pressure to have me court martialed for lying to an officer. There is my PTSD issues. I am also in chronic pain - from ruined knees from the Army and a broken back thanks to a stupid horse. Heavily medicated to keep me from killing myself and on more opiates than I thought possible, I am only able to be functional for less than two hours a day. I have zero quality of life. I have no hope. But my being gone would hurt those I love - hubby, daughter...

OK, now you know where I stand.

Back to the Dr... he put things to me very simply. I can't look at the whole picture - it just overwhelms me. I get stuck and can't do anything. for five years he has drilled into me to focus small. I got out of bed today. Check mark.
I got to the store. Check mark.
I called my mom-in-law and told her I love her. Check mark.

He told me to go through my day, and no matter how insignificant something seems, if I get it done, check mark. Just to keep collecting check marks, they do start to feel good after a while.

I am also going to suggest three things.

1) the VA has a hotline that is a wonderful place to find someone to talk to if you need to hear a voice - I use it often

2) your local church, if you currently have faith or not, there you will find people who want nothing more than to help. They may also know some other local resources.

3) Seriously look into getting a Service Dog - you do not have to be physically disabled and you cannot imagine the difference a good dog who is well trained to help you can do.

Lastly, I am glad you are here. You are alive for some reason, even if you don't see it. It may be that you need to go and find it.

Yadlim and my Misha

...At my job a couple of years ago I saw them bring in 9-year old girl who had died of asthma.
This was at a time when I was having a really hard struggle against the urge to kill myself.
I spent time wishing I could give that kid my life somehow.

I can't. You can't.
Much as we'd like to give ourselves so all that goodness and potential could come back into the world, it's gone. That's a thing to grieve.
You got to know them and love them fiercely.
Grieve them. Remember them with love.
They are so very worth your tears.
But don't follow them into the ground, hun.

You survived.
It might be random chance.
It might be there's something you're needed here for, though.
I have no idea what you're needed for.

...I've totalled six cars, was hit by a truck on a bicycle (my fault too!) , got held up at gunpoint when I was 4, nearly died when my own lungs just about shut off a few times.

When the truck hit me, I wound up on the pavement. I could not see how close the tire of that Ford F150 was to my concussed and not-helmeted head, but the radiator fan was blowing downward onto my forehead. So I was about a foot or so from having my head popped like a grape.

I think I must be for some reason. I have no effing idea what.
I think you are here for some reason.
...Bah...eyes leaking...
(((HUGS)))

I'll ramble a bit to gn if it's okay ....

I was a palliative nurse for quite a while.... I helped people to die comfortably and with dignity.... To do this I had to compartmentalize my feelings and I was able to do that for a long time until it was time to help my parents.... That's when everything really fell apart for me..
All I saw around me was death... So much came back to haunt me..
By then I had started to specialize in mental health... I've worked in forensics and have seen a lot of bad things... People very ill that had basically been found "not guilty by reason of insanity" or not criminally responsible..

I also have bipolar disorder so at some point things just became too hard... Too painful.... I couldn't bare it anymore and I really fell apart

I believe that there is a reason that I'm still here to... I don't know what it is.... I felt so much shame for all that I couldn't do... I beat myself up so badly for a long time...

I've had a hospital stay and some wonderful medical care.. I to focus on baby steps... moments in time

Gratitude is something else that gets me through the dark times.. Whether it's for a nice cup of coffee or petting my dog

I agree that service dogs are wonderful!.. A best friend

We are all here for a reason... I don't know why I am or why you are but I want to find out the reason and I'm very glad you are as well...x

**Trigger Warning**

I know. Me, too. You're not alone. I feel like better men than me died. Not generally, either. Very specifically. One of them in the Uruguayan war I survived was a guy named Zelmar Michelini. What a name, huh? But what a guy! He almost made it out, but got killed on the way to the airport.

I did make it out that same year. I was tortured but I escaped a death squad and made it to the USA. The difference between me and him stayed with me to the point that I wrote a short story about tracking down his killer and getting revenge in his name. Just a story, but I had to get those feelings out.

Now I saw on my trip back home last year that there's a street named after him in Montevideo.

okay.. well, now you got all our sob stories to add to yours, and I don't know if that helps you or not.

a word up about posting vids and stuff like that.. some of us get 'triggered' into flashbacks and things by stuff like that,, so what we do is to put *TW* or "Trigger Warning" so we will be prepared for stuff like that.. ok?

I really get the emotions and visualizations of that vid. I never can understand what they are saying.. it takes a lot of practice to get that kind of vocalization going. but even without knowing what he was saying I get the idea.

You've probably already read some of my PTSD story, so no need for me to go more into that here. the thing for me, with you.. is how to help you get through all this and to the other side. I've known other people who have seen death.. I worked in an ER for a few years, and had to be ready for whatever,, besides my own violent scenes. PTSD is a heavy thing, very heavy. You still haven't told us where you are,, stateside? still deployed? it does make a difference, but... whichever.. your head is still there.

I'm glad you're here too. And there is a reason that you are still alive, and there are things that you have to accomplish. One is to recover,, then there is some good that you can do.

I forgot who it was, and it's on the other page,, but someone said soemtjhing about checking off every little good thing that you do everyday. and I made a joke, even though it wasn't a joke really, about checking off that I changed my underwear,, and then I changed my socks,,, and then.. well,, I survived another hour, and then a day.. Progress is being made.

I'll bet the 12 Steps would help you.. AA.. yeah, you drink so you qualify. Can you find,, yes, you can.. an AA 12 Step group near you? Try a couple cuz some groups are better than others. I made a 12 Step group here so you can see the basics of it.

and,, I'm expecting you to check in here.. and let us know how you are,, every day.. you can post on my "made it through another day" thread. I'm like that.. kind of a mother hen sometimes.. got to count my peeps at the end of the day.

God bless you.

and I'm going to post the song again.. to where you are

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=fIAQCiMIEEQ

Maybe these people beat us to heaven,, but we'll get there and see them again later on,, when it's time.. it's not time yet

.

oh,, just thought of something.. sometimes I can calm down by playing soothing stuff,, but sometimes I need to let it out in a controlled way. Your vid shows like adrenalized chaos and destruction,, and my head feels like that sometimes.. then,, what I do is try to channel it.. organize the chaos,, and I like to play and hear drums,, percussion, dance.. and crank up the volume.. I play Lord of the Dance,, but there is another that perhaps you'd like.. called Stomp.. haha.. it starts out soft,, and cranks up.. enjoy

wow,,,, flashback to drills.. lol

anyway,, go ahead and drum on the table, and get those feet tapping on the floor

here is Stomp:

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=tZ7aYQtIldg

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=5-0lrHhpvGM

yes, it's noise.. don't dive on the floor,, it's okay.. keep yourself in the moment...

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=EULpbJQLzSg

the next part is crazy... TW.. reminds me of high school boyz.. look at the next one only if you think you're strong enough to handle high school crazy boyz

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=v7s4V0h1k9A

k well, that's what I do sometimes when I need to get it out in a controlled way.. let me know what it does for you.

oh, well, one more... straight drums.. I used to be in a fife and drum corps.. these guys are amazing! I just found this while browsing

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=JHXNaYoguNU

ahhh.. a better noise in my head

.

When I went to Montevideo last summer, it really comforted me to see that Zelmar Michelini's death was not forgotten. Doing things like that to remember those who died while we survived makes meaning out of the tragedy for me. Whatever we can do. Write a story like I did, name a street like they did. Anything to transform guilt into respect and a legacy, seems to me.

I can think of lots of other people, too, who have plaques, streets, memorials, etc. to their honor and memory. The Vietnam Memorial, Martin Luther King, Jr. St., Church service memorials.

You are alive. There's a thing called survivor's guilt or surviror's syndrome where those who made it through a horrible catastrophe feel guilty. As a soldier, you should have access to counseling (I hope) that teaches you about this and helps you overcome it. I think that it is natural in the human brain and heart that when so many die around us, we wonder "Why was I saved.?" You were saved. You don't have to die or be dead inside for those who did die. You made it home. The jobe now is to get you to a sense of JOY that you are alive. It will take time and work from you, but it is there. Many good wishes and good thoughts.