My psychiatrist and therapist told me nightmares can be good for me. They said it is my mind working out problems and processing feelings to dislodge repeating thoughts. My psychiatrist actually changed my sleep medication from klonopin to temazepam so I could have dreams and not be pushed into a deep, dreamless sleep.

I was told that nightmares are how the mind processes bad stuff out and good stuff in. Sharing how you feel in group is a big step forward. Good job!

Another thing that helped me a LOT was to write down everything that happened. I put some of it in my DS journal and let it sit there for a couple of days then deleted it. I got helpful and supportive comments but like you I was ashamed of what had happened so I deleted it after awhile.

Writing out your feelings actually moves your memories from the emotional center of the brain to the logic center of your brain. It really works! After the bad stuff is in your logical brain, you start to think of it as past events and remove the knee-jerk response of fear and anger. At least that's what happened when I wrote it all down. I didn't expect it to work but I "did it anyway" 'cause my doctor asked me to give it a try.

So...maybe you wanna give it a try.

Be well.
Be happy.
Be kind to yourself.

I echo what Alan said, tho' I am not yet finding that writing removes it entirely from my emotional center---it takes me more than a few tries to get it there and I still have emotional stuff---but I'm early in the process. I suspect it varies. I sometiems find better results with words, sometimes from drawing or painting, sometimes by using PLay-Doh or cheap craft clay.

The firs tthing to remember is---dont' blame yourself. YOu're a kid. I was a kid. They tell us we're to blame to keep us silent. To keep us scared. To keep us vulnerable. And they're wrong. Not us. Them. Trust me on this. My head is sure of this even if I sometimes still have doubt.

I am on klonopin and am on meds to reduce my nightmares b/c I was literally not sleeping more than four hours out of every 24 for months, and I still get them. Got one the other night, in fact. I think they are the mind's way of cleanin gout the trash while we're not awake to stifle the urge, and while it's scary, I've seen my nightmares evolve just in a year's time. Less scary, more clarifying.

My therapist tells me PTSD is forever but it's like my epilepsy. I take my meds, I do my self-care, I don't have any seizures. PTSD symptoms over time will lessen in intensity and severity and how much they disrupt your life. Some people go years and years between flashbacks or nightmares, or "episodes". Some find enough peace they are off meds and it's no more disruptive to their lives than, say, wearing eyeglasses.... They're careful to accommodate their vulnerable points bu tthey're living their lives and doing great. So while PTSD is "for life", it's not going to take over or run or ruin your whole life, and I've heard that from people who were in therapy 10 years before they got to that point---but they got there. To me, that's a huge hope, and I share it with you.

I also sometimes delete journals or shred drawings, it's kinda freeing to do that.

I hope something in there helps.

I keep a journal of my nightmares and dreams. Sometimes I write out and sketch out what it was so I don't lose the strongest image. Sometiems it's important, b/c it can be a clue to what you're telling yourself, to quote my thearpist.

Gentlest healing,
Leo

I had to deal with full amnesia, so I am not sure I should even post here. Talking about the side effects of amnesia to someone who desperately wants to forget is kinda like discussing the side effects of anorexia at a Weight Watcher's meeting.

But...

Nightmares, all the way to sleep deprivation, and hallucinations were among the nastier side effects in my extreme case. Turns out that the harder I work to forget, the more power and control the memories have over me.

Echoing all the others and hoping you can take that power back.

Thank you for all your comments. I have a very hard time dealing with this. I just want the guilt and fear to go away. I am so scared that he will find me but I know it's not possible for him to.

How long ago was it that this happened to you? It took me three years to get over the stage you are going through.
Every waking moment of my life at that stage was about him and what he did. Every second I used to think, replay the scenes over and over and over. There was not a single second in the day that did not happen.
It takes someone a long time to get over that. And yes, it is absolutely normal to feel that you are the guilty one. That happened to me and it is soooo preposterous when I now think of how I was thinking about myself at that time, that I really thought I was the guilty one. I can actually laugh out loud about that now. Because the guilt is ALL on his side. I felt guilty for liking my harasser and stalker and he turned that guilt into sooo much more. Thought that gave him the right to get more from me.
I am a friendly playful person and I treat both genders that way. Boy, did he look into the glass from the wrong way up/down.

One of the techniques I've had a lot of success with is EFT. You can find it on You Tube. Free, easy, no side effects. Another older and proven medication originally used for blood pressure has been found to be useful for PTSD is propranalol.

It's not your fault, be assured. As far as remembering or forgetting, it seems like a black and white issue right now. But with time, both remembering and forgetting begin to soften around the edges somehow.

Every time you remember is less of a jolt. And you forget to remember sometimes for longer and longer stretches of time because you live in the present more. I can't guarantee you'll forget 100% although you might, but I can guarantee that it gets better.

It gets better faster the more we work in therapy, post here like you just did, and do things to help ourselves like you're doing. You're not alone.

This happened about a year ago. I plan on going for therapy when I move out because I'm tired of living with this.

I don't want to live with the guilt. It kills me. The only reason I did what the guy wanted was to protect my boyfriend. He said he would find us and then kill him and keep me there to watch it. Then he said he would kill me. I have had 3 people threaten to rape me and kill
Me. I'm so scared and ashamed as I type this. I'm going to have to stop.

You see that you were not at fault, but you need to convince yourself. Don't wait on the therapy. You are only making it worse on you. There is so much more going on than the Internet bullying, it also what made you susceptible to it that needs the therapy help. That is at the core, so you really can get past this.
Hugs.

J.

I am so scared of being judged by people. And have this constant fear he'll find me. I just wish I hadn't listened to him and done what he wanted. :'( I am freaking out right now. I am so ashamed of myself I believe that I am worthless because that's what he told me. I was worthless and then he took advantage of me. I want a hug so badly right now. :'(

He was a wimp hiding behind a keyboard...not that strong, just deviant. What would he do in your face? turn an walk away, he knows what he did was a federal offence by using the internet. Prison for him...well lets just say he may come out a much changed human. That is the one thing that prisoners tend to take care of on the inside. So I bet he's more afraid of you telling than you are. But you are still young, and insecure. A good therapist would help you get past this. Your parents are in the dark, can't understand but they would. You have to give them a chance. Like I said this guy was a WIMP behind a keyboard. In prison he would likely become a wimp-ess from behind bars. Quit hyping this up and put your biggie girl shoes on and start helping you, you are that important. We went through this months ago, he could have been in jail by now, validating your worth and suffering for his own sick urges.

My brother was in a cook for a few years in the state pen. Some guys came out eunuchs for this type of crap, some never came out. Too many inmates inside have children outside they can't protect, so they take the opportunity to give physical therapy to offenders that abuse minors. Get my drift?

Honestly no. I don't mean this rudly but that comment didn't help. It made me feel like you don't want to listen to me anymore. It's not my fault I won't tell anyone. It's my personality, fear and rejection holding me back. Like everyone keeps saying I'm young. Plus the guy was a kid like me I think. I think on it and part of me wants to not say anything to anyone who could do anything and I can keep this inside and another part is screaming tell someone. I don't want some other girl having to deal with him. It was horrible and I don't want any other people to go through the same thing I did. Yes I know I'm pathetic for not speaking out but I don't want people to shut me out or leave me.

Not that I don't want to deal with you Violet, I don't want you too suffer anymore than you have. I know from experience that if you don't get this validation you will cause your self the hide anf be suseptable even more. It's part of a cycle that we get trapped in. The sooner therapy starts the better your chance are ov getting over this. Growing into a stronger young woman. Many like me never had that chance timed were different, but cyber bulling involving a minor is not new anymore. He will not have a gray area in the law to hide in. And as for his age? In these months do you think it has not crossed his mind to prey on someone else?
In these last two months my 17 year old grandson has been to funerals of close friends, that were girls your age. Who chose to end their life. Because they though no one would understand. Well the parents of one that lived across the street are beating them selves up because their daughter didn't feel safe or comfortable enough to ask for help.

So now I have even less tolerance for those that bully using the ways of the internet.
It scares me what you may build this fear into in your head. They would do anything to have had the chance to talk to their daughter.

Also quit re- enforcing your own fear. You are not pathetic ...he is.