So sorry to hear this Arfie. Gentle hugs. I am falling asleep at the wheel here so I hope to say more tomorrw..

I went through such a drawn out epic of insomnia that I learned how to use the extra time constructively. I have slept well for most of this millennium. My last mega-bout was around the 1999 breakdown.

I don't miss the madness, but I often miss all that extra time. Tonight (this morning?) I find myself wondering if I can find a healthy way to enjoy the "bewitching hours" on more constructive basis.

Unwanted insomnia sucks. . .

As the DIL whose MIL didn't use my name until I was over 10 years married?

I think monster-in-law gained ground in the 1990s as a "joking" term, but I think it started off as "monster in-laws" and went from there? I'm not sure. Utterly pointless to the point, I know, but I know it wasn't used much when I was a kid back in the Stone Ages.

This may seem redundant, but how much of this was territorial over actual space and how much territorial over your son's (grandon's?) affections? I ask b/c my MIL despised me simply because he son did *not*, and we had a lot of rough conversations because Hubby would be on good terms with his mom *and* me at the same time. MIL and I both felt as if his loyalty had to be 100 percent one or the other until 1. I got out of my early 20s and we did a round of marital counseling and 2. MIL realized making Hubby choose was gonna be waaaay worse than putting up with me.

No idea if that was useful, but it's my story....

Gentlest support, Arfie.

The largest part of my own territorialism --always room for that nasty demon, "Denial"-- is that I would rather be taking River Boat lessons than playing Monster-in-law. Can't go because 1) The retirement budget doesn't cover supporting growing families (#2 grandchild on its way) AND River Boat lessons. 2) Hubs can't handle their housekeeping standards and what he hopes will be his last year before retirement. Two adults and a toddler can trash a house faster than he can keep up with. The week I spent in Louisiana generated . . .

The DIL's territorialism? ? ? Shoot. . . I am far more intimate with her closed door than her. . . She don't come out much. . . Color me ignorant. . . My mind reading skills genuinely suck. I am too hard of hearing to hear through closed doors.

While the loving couple engaged me in a 2-on-1 tit for tat match, they did start in on custody threats. Yes, I might lose my grandson over this. I refused to engage them in the match, though. The grandson was thoroughly hysterical by this time. If my grandson's love is part of the territorial dispute, Mama wins. YAY Mama. Where should I mail your trophy? What would you like inscribed on it?

This would be where I insisted, "Get out." I wanted to say, "Let's not do this in front of the child," but. . . Two words is more than the power duo wanted to allow me. The two words I got in quickly escalated to an eviction notice. I hate domestic tit for tat. . .

Monster in law was a show for a while that I think just lasted a season and a lot of it was about power and control that manifested often as anger, name calling etc between the parties

If it were me I would give a little time for everyone to calm down and then ask if you could all have a sit down and talk things out

I would use this is how "I feel" as opposed to 'You do this or that'... Perhaps together you can come up with a list of house rules as a contract that will be good for everyone as a part of discussion and one for me would definitely be to NEVER use your grandson as a pawn (although I'd say is nicer) and not to argue in front of him

Dr Phil often says ever situation needs a hero and you can be the hero in this sweetie... I'm so sorry you've been hurt... Big hug...xo

Maybe time to stop looking at this as family dynamics and look at it as landlord-tenant dynamics, and even have a signed official notarized contract. It's something adult services here recommends us doing with my mom if she stays obdurate, and it enforces the boundaries in a way that families are unaccustomed to---ink on paper.

My own background is rearing up its head and barking loudly here, so I will not comment further, but just know we've got your back:-) (Or sides, as needed.)

Thanks all. Support greatly appreciated.

For now, I am still so adrenaline drunk that I am not entirely capable of reason. I am having one of those days where I sure could wish for a slower metabolism. Balancing all energy charges running through me right now is no fun. Doing allot of anger channeling exercises. Guitchi and housekeeping have been the most effective for this round. The garden hasn't looked this good in a while. . . The 40+ years of therapy hasn't provided any miracle cures, but at least I have learned how to recognize my impaired states and prioritize my emotional self-care when I am a few cans shy of a six pack.

Faith is what gets me through on the days when all physical evidence points to nothing being okay. "Small steps, big faith and lots of prayer" is my mantra of the day.

Still haven't slept a wink since yesterday. Damned hyper-active metabolism!!! Everybody keeps saying I will outgrow that. At 60, I am beginning to think everybody lied. . . Look up "Gullible" in the dictionary and you will, at last, see a picture of the real me.

I'm sorry, this must be so painful for you.

I'm not able to understand exactly what went on among all of you, but I will say this: you are allowed to mistakes. All of you are allowed to make mistakes.

What matters most is what happens next. If you could all agree to allow each other the room to have made mistakes, maybe you can find room to learn from the mistakes and find a way to move forward with respect for everyone's feelings and needs. This is worth making a heroic effort for.

The hard part is, I bet you all have a lot of unexpressed feelings around the whole living arrangement, and things can get awfully tangled in that kind of situation. But if you were able to boil it down to "What do we need to do going forward so that we can all live with this arrangement ?" I wish you had someone to help you, a mediator or family counselor of some kind.

Anyway, whatever happens, remember: you are allowed to make mistakes. They are allowed to make mistakes. We are all BOUND to make mistakes!

(((hugs)))

arfie, I'm sorry this happened, too. But I hope in some way it's a sign of growth somehow. It sounded like something was bound to give in the relationship with your in-laws at some point, and it wasn't prompted by you as an individual alone. The way relationships were set up, it seemed to be only a matter of time before MIL and DIL met.

When the adrenaline wears off, I'd only advise proceeding from then on in a way that gets issues resolved so it isn't necessary to revisit this again. What that means, you'll be able to sort out in time when the smoke clears. Meanwhile, we're here, and many of us know what this feels like. You're not alone.

For what it's worth, I agree wholeheartedly with what Leo Said in reply #6. Setting firm boundaries for ourselves in our situations is a must do. And I am sure you know this already, but you and hubby have to show a 100% united front when laying down the law. They will look for a chink in the armor and exploit it if there is any present. This is you and hubby's home. They live by your reasonable rules. In your military service, your superiors did not ask you if you would mind following their orders. There is a time for gentle love, and there is a time for tough love.