One of the things journaling your whole day, including food, feelings, and movements is to help you find the connections. You have taken an important first step in writing about it here.
I would read through some of the discussion posts on the anxiety board to see if any of those ideas seem like they might help you.
You are not alone.
Welcome to DS!

I can totally relate.
There is a huge pressure in our society to see ourself worth for how much and what we do.................There is NO shame in right now taking care of your health, is not like you invented you have PTSD.

If it was any other illness you would also have to take time out.
You're doing the right thing.

I agree with toot. There IS a huge pressure in our society to base our self worth on what we do. I am currently on disability and can't work. One of my friends put things in perspective for me. He said "Sunny, you are so lucky that you can take time to focus on yourself and your healing. Most people don't have that luxury." Luxury? Lol, I never thought of my situation as fortunate, but I suppose it is in a way. Yes, my work history is for crap, but I have learned to not stress about it as there is absolutely nothing I can do about it. When I'm able to work in the future, I know I'll have to face the fact that I was out of the workforce for an extended period of time, and that this will affect who is willing to hire me. But again, nothing I can do to change it, so it does me no good to worry about it. I think it's great that you are trying to work. Even if it doesn't work out in the end, at least you tried, and that says a lot! I know it's hard to not be weighed down by our perceived shortcomings, but focusing on what we can do and how we are working on getting better is much more productive than beating ourselves up for what we can't do. I'm not saying it's easy, bc it's not. But once my therapist was able to get me to focus on what was right in my life rather than what I felt was wrong, I was able to move forward a bit easier. Hugs.

We are who we are. We are not our jobs. Jobs are the most stressful things on the face of the earth. It really is horrible anymore. You work your butt off for nothing.

I definitely relate. Only I have a full time federal govt job. I do believe that because I work for the govt, I can get away with a lot that I wouldn't in the private sector. For example, I miss a lot of work. I left half a day early today. I have a really hard time getting out of bed and motivating myself to go to work. It's really difficult. I went in late yesterday. There are usually at least 1 or 2 days a week when I am unable to get out of bed and end up going in late or not going at all. It's so difficult. Then when I am there I have a very hard time concentrating and focusing, remembering meetings, remembering tasks I've done for years, etc. I'm ALWAYS tired. Sometimes I feel like I am about to just fall asleep at my desk, like it is so hard to even keep my eyes open and I could literally lay on the floor and fall right asleep I think. It's so tempting sometimes. So when it's real bad, I just leave and come home early. Or I have emotional breakdowns where I feel like I am about to start crying and I don't want to do that at work so I leave early. I rarely clean my house, I don't have the motivation to. I keep it decluttered but I rarely vacuum or mop. I even have a roomba but I rarely clear the cords out of the way so that I can run it (it eats cords), plus it's loud. I clean my kitchen usually once a week and maybe do laundry once every week or so, when I'm running out of something I need. I rarely cook or even grocery shop anymore. Today I ordered delivery from a nice restaurant (I waste way too much money doing this). I am totally isolated, I don't go out w/ people, don't socialize at all. My socialization is limited to work (talking to a couple coworkers once in awhile) and facebook and DS. I took meds years ago, and found on Celexa that I was sleeping around 17 hrs a day. I stopped taking them because I could not function at all on meds. I need about 10 hrs of sleep but am usually lucky if I get 6. My body seems to get its best sleep starting at around 4am and my alarm goes off at 6am. Which is why a lot of times I just turn it off and go back to sleep and end up going into work late. I've even forced myself to start going to bed at 9:30-10pm every night for months but I lay in bed for hours trying to fall asleep and I wake up many times during the night usually. Sometimes have breakdowns in the middle of the night when I wake up. I think if it wasn't for my govt job, I'd probably be homeless by now because I'd have been fired from any normal job for missing so much work and spacing out so much. I even went to the dr last week hoping for a physical explanation. Was hoping it would be thyroid or something and I'd get a pill and lose the weight I've gained and miraculously have energy but no. My bloodwork came back fine except a vitamin D deficiency. I got prescription vitamin D but have not felt better.

Thanks a lot for your replies. Agentsmith, you sound like me. I did have a government job once about 20 years ago. It was one of those jobs where there was nothing to do. I would sit frozen at my desk, pretending to be invisible, and then slink on out the door. Needless to say, I failed the medical!
anyway, I really feel for you and others who have this fatigue. I also looked for a physical explanation, but my blood work is fine. Take care.

i can relate totally i was just diagnoised in nov 10 and the thought of going to a job is terrifying just getting out of bed is a tremedous step for me i went to my doc monday and asked her to sign some ssi or ssd i get them mixed uppapers and she said i should work ill feel better but i have panic attacks just sitting at stop signs or when a nurse takes my blood pressure i have a ph interview with social security fri moring i hope i get it right now im just living off of unemployment which wil soon be gone if u dont mind me asking how r u getting by without working

I can certainly relate. For years I was involved in the public theater of work. I reacted physically to being around people, and now that I am retired, I spend most of my time alone, or with my wife. There is no shame in what you feel, but I know you feel that. I did. Feerlings of doubt or feeling overwhelmed with something someone else may consider non-stressful is something I experience. I am thankful to be in this group.

I can really relate to you,and other comments,
i cry cause i feel so useless at times,i had a severe breakdown over 4 years ago now, it started on the bus home after a job interview and i got the job......but it was so strange that as the bus headed towards my where i lived, i suddenly felt like i wasnt sure where i lived or who i was. Now looking back at so many years of trauma it was at that time that all the abuse stopped happening from outside, so my mind then was just flooded with so many memories,what ifs etc..i just couldnt even work out how to get to the toilet, i felt i wouldnt find my way back..i got a kind of brain fag, but didnt know till months later, i didnt think i would get better as i was like it around 7months, however the mind and body will almost always find a way to repair itself, sori if i gone off in tangent.. but i too was bullied in my work and was very afraid of what this women would do an how far she would go cause the boss was thinking of putting me in a position she wanted.,this was the job i mentioned,...and my sleeping is most of the day,12 to 16 hours, i feel so ashamed about it, in my head i think logically after hanging in there with fear and tension for 30years or so, it makes sense to be exhausted, and still ofcourse the assosiations ,nightmares and feelings of now are tiring aswell,...i hear my neighbours alarm clocks waking them up for work,its painful...when my day consists of sleep,feeding cats,occasional house work and getting dressed now an again.... however since lighter outside ive managed to dress an walk most days, and just started on ds, this is helping me not to be so alone, thanks for what your post its helped me,sori for writing a book folks

Glad you started this topic. Yep, I can relate as well

I worked for the government with lots of people and a high stress environment . I had to take two breaks from work because of my PTSD Symptoms/mental break. The last one my Dr. pulled me off the job for good because I kept getting re -traumatized.

I had been out of work for quite some time and it wore on me. I always thought I was what I did for a living and I took a lot of pride in what I did.the job loss took a big hit to my selfesteem

I just started a volunteer position. Taking baby steps Took me a long time to find some one who would work with me. Im trying so hard to do a good job in hopes it might turn out to be work in the future. Learning new skills and working on being around people again.So far so good I dont want to Jinx it. I seem to do well for a while then I crash and burn

Gentle, gentle. Try to be gentle to yourself.

You know what, nelliefay? You sound normal to me!

Yes, we may be different from people that have never experienced trauma. But, we are normal people reacting to abnormal events.

If other people are walking around, bright, cheery, full of energy from sun up to sun down, getting along with their crappy co-workers - I bet they are FAKING it.

They probably go home and release all their hidden frustrations with their own set of vices. Work is just someone paying you to come to their office and suffer for 8 hours a day.

Don't feel bad about your work history. You don't have to list every job on your resume. One time I applied for a part time job and put no work history on the resume. I just listed "homemaker". They told me that making a home is one of the most noble things some one can do with their time. I said, I like taking care of people and looking after things. I got the job! (of course, it only lasted about 2 months, but that's another story haha).

You could even list the nursing home job and let them know - you wanted so much for it to work out. You worked hard, you took initiative, you learned quickly! But, your trainer was a bully. Your manager couldn't correct the situation because she was afraid of her too (make a joke of it). So, you did the only thing you could do. You stood up for yourself and ended the arrangement before more of your time and their time was wasted.

Don't worry about having lower energy levels. If they want to hire someone to run circles around the office, they will hire the youngest person that applies anyway. You are caring and considerate and you want to do well. That's all most employers want to see.

If the docs can help you get your energy level up, then that is wonderful! Please have your doctor issue a worldwide statement because none of the doctors can do anything except write a prescription or do surgery! LOL :)

thanks for all your replies, I feel a lot better about my situation. nodrama, I am in australia. I started by being on 'sickness benefits' a lot, then I got put on the disability pension. Thank god for the pension!!!! But it's not quite enough to make ends meet, I've done other things. Then, in 2009, I lost a nursing home job due to having days off for anxiety and paranoia.
Apparently I was insured for 'income protection', which I then qualified for. Lost my job (got the sack) due to illness. Thanks, matron! So, as well as the pension, I now get a bit extra money. I can make ends meet and am incredibly grateful.
I don't know how it works in America, maybe you could fill me in. Do you have 'income protection'. I'd been put on it automatically by my superannuation fund.

Nelliefay, asking how things are in America, can easily set me off into a long tangential discourse about how our political system sucks! American politics are currently dominated by those who wish to reduce or eliminate social programs, break unions, generally disempower wage earners, eliminate laws that protect wage earners who are injured on the job, and make healthcare available only to those whose incomes are at or above upper-middle-class level. Many who are disabled due to mental illness, are either in jail or homeless.

Regarding the topic of having too little energy, poor sleeping patterns, emotional issues, and being surrounded by those who do not understand, I can at least to some extent relate. Along with a lifelong history of depression, I have Lyme disease was not diagnosed for more than 20 years. However, my ailments are not what I want to talk about.

I just wanted to share the perception I have come to, based on personal experience and observation of many patients over the years as an RN. When people become physically ill, or experience emotional trauma, it can be immobilizing. Once a person's body is deprived of the healthy level of activity for more than a very short period of time, there's a very good chance that debility will set in. That usually includes emotional debility as well.

Once in that state, it becomes a hero's task to struggle back up to a decent functional level. In many cases, during that struggle, people will feel guilty about not having progressed quickly enough. This guilt erodes confidence, which significantly reduces one's ability to heal. Sometimes people will spend years in a cycle of failure begetting failure, until hope itself fails. When a person has a habit of identifying with failure, the possibility of not failing often becomes too frightening to contemplate.

The good news is, there's more to us than our history, or failings, hangups, and fears. We can start with the tiniest success, and build on it. We can become aware that we are not the same person we were yesterday, and are better equipped to succeed today, even if we have had thousands of failures in the past. We can take comfort in knowing that with commitment and the assistance of a Higher Power, miracles can and usually do happen.

Forgive yourself as you forgive others! This alone will give you a surprising amount of strength. Allow yourself to be gently led by the wisdom of your heart. Do what you reasonably can through the course of the day, and rest without regret when it's over.

Wishing you joy, Aaron

Nellifay,

Yes, can relate pretty much to what you have said, especially your emotions of shame and fear over what's happened to you. I think that this is a common thread here in this group.

On the bright side, you have what you called "income protection." Be glad.

In the United States? Not going to go into it. I could not even begin to add to what Aaron (Spiritriver) already stated. Just an, "Oh yeah."
And I have felt the full effects of the mess here for years. And it gets even better living in a state in which employers own state agencies. That means you get injured here--forget it. You get nada.

Aaron--You evidently are an incredible medical professional. Reading your post just now lifted my heart and got to thank you. A whopping 100 percent of my physical disabilities plus the PTSD were caused by a charming medical institution here. As a staff member, the sicker I got from the poor medical care, the more I was harassed, despite my non-stop excellent work performance. I was finally pushed out of my job and couldn't even get unemployment benefits.

Writing, journalizing, or whatever can be helpful. nellifay. I think Spiritriver is so absolutely correct when he said that "it becomes a hero's task to struggle back up to a decent functional level."

You can do it. As I sit here battling my own depression over being without progress in trying to get out of this mess, I hear a little voice in side saying "keep on...victory will come." It is so hard to keep up that kind of attitude day in and day out when immersed in anguish.

So I am here to cheer you on...one step at a time. I know how difficult it can seem. I do...I wake up feeling like leaving the planet every single day. Takes me half a day to talk myself out of it and try to accomplish something productive.

You got us for support. I know support is very important. This group has provided support that no family or so-called friends (who don't get it at all) have been willing to provide.

Rooting for you!