yes, triggers are surfacing for me, as well, way farther back than what the professionals consider to be qualified as a memory - or, as my psychologist reworded this - we may have a memory, but we were to young to put words to it, thus the memory seems to be so vague. She doesn't press me to recall names, faces, details - we roll with the feeling and EMDR it.

For example - fact: my mother was dead before I was 2 1/2 yr old.
Several triggers have been regarding her - the abandonment (we were moved away from her by the time I was 1 years of age).

Most of my memories came back last x-mas. I was 56. Until then I believed this half assed story of my abuse that was barely abuse. Finally at the urging of a friend and sat at my computer and ask Laurian if she wanted to tell me more. I thought Laurian was my 'inner child.' She told me absolutely fantastic stuff, including satanic ritual abuse. I believe everything she said because it explains every mystery in my life. It explained my PTSD, my sexuality, blackouts, feeling like a completely different person all the time. And the detail was so graphic. Way beyond what I could remember in my adult consciousness. Laurian is an alternate personality. I believe everything she and other's have told me.

So I guess what I would like to ask you is this. Why would you make up lies? You know you have repressed your childhood memories all your life. Repression happens because the knowledge was too horrible for a child to cope with. They will be very hard for an adult to admit it happened because you (and I) lived in ignorance for so long. The non-knowledge becomes the thing to believe. But the big blank if proof that more happened than you remembered. You (and I) took the lack for granted. Now stuff is moving into your conscious memory. There are mental self defenses that feel like reasons to not believe. Ultimately whether you believe these memories is all up to you.

Trigger************ I remember four men strip me naked at the age of four, my first split. They had on masks to look like devils. They told me I was a horrible little girl and deserved to die because I was so bad. They put a probe in me and shocked me to unconsciousness. They did this several times. When I woke they told me I went to help because I was a bad girl. They told me they were going to eat me. This alter says repeatedly "I'm a corpse, I died from the horror of it." She is one of my strongest alters. 51 tell me how that came from a surgery experience. And you know what you can do with your skepticism right? It involves shoving.

I now have little to no sensation in my back.

It took me years to believe myself about anything...but I have to tell you that it was most important for me to make note of things and write them down....tell my brain at the suggestion of helping friend that "I am safe now" .....and kept myself safe.....in lots of different ways in my life.....Alot of memories come like little 'blips' and also what are called if I am thinking correctly..."accordian memories" they are smushed together sometimes.....sometimes I am thinking I was wearing a dress in one memory that was really part of a different memory....but that was all AROUND the same time....this happens to our little kid brains because there is only so much that we can handle as little children (so sad)...
Anyway, another friend advised/suggested...write them down, don't obsess, and let them be free and float like buoys (spelling?) in the water......you know those markers out in the water.......often when we obsess, the memories get frozen again and the inner child feels more scared again.....it is when we feel relaxed and safe that things come up....so take note maybe and then relax some more :)

GeorgeSand,
I don't think that 51 meant anything to discard anyone's memories but sometimes things can be interpreted incorrectly by us too and everything is scary to us as little children who feel unprotected....sometimes when we get upset and we become the aggressor we are also reliving something from our past...
When you say 'shoving something' to 51, you are becoming the aggressor but your body now may be reliving a terribe trauma and part of what you did to handle this was become numb up around your back.
I really don't think 51 was discounting people...only trying to help us to see that there are many events that can really upset us as kids, especially if we were abused on top of all of it....we were hardly ever protected properly...
I hope that you can take it easy and relax a bit today....and mind yourself....try not to let others upset you so much...it is better to punch away at the side of a couch or a mattress and a pillow ...take care.
I get what you are defending I think though...it is sooooo hard to reclaim these memories and they are so fragile that for any of them to be dismissed or psychobabbled away by anyone can be enraging....and we all know there is a lot of that...but I think the majority here agree there are laps in memory from childhood trauma...hope I am not offending you or embarrassing you by writing directly to you, but I could not send you a message.

Reply #8 - thank you for you tempered and calm words. I have a lot of anger right now. I've posted about it several times. I do have a deep wound from my sibs who will not believe anything happened to us. Sometimes I feel like I'm locked in this long hallway (memories) and can not get out. Arfie, I never said remember wouldn't hurt. I do know that when you remember a childhood traumatic memory there are distortions. You remember the experience of a child who does not understand the truth of the experience. Only how the experience was felt for her and her so limited experience. I get that.

Hi GeorgeSand,

I feel for you...was a little scared to respond to you there but thanks for being gracious.
I feel for you with the siblings....I went through hellish pain when I started getting the run around from family....siblings etc...I was actually ostracized (spelling) for a time.....IT WAS SO PAINFUL....what I found out was that there was no way in hell that they were going to admit to any of these probabilities in their brains (my siblings) that it was wayyyy too much for them to handle....you see how hard it is for us........it is different for everybody, but I ended up in Alanon, where people seemed to be able to talk freely about these things and get the comfort bandaid, support and the true listener and compassionate feedback that we so genuinely deserve..........I ended up making a pact with my siblings that we would not discuss it anymore, that we had different beliefs about things that happened...
They had so much conflict...and I realized...they are not as strong a person as I am ...and probably were never as happy and as authentic as I have been at times in my life....this is part of the reason why they can't handle it......they also couldn't take hugs much anymore after that (saddly) but telling!
We get along much better now....I try not to be sarcastic or passive aggressive (didn't even know I was doing it) they felt safer to confront me when I was (they were frightened little children on the inside too).....now I have lots of compassion for them....I am a better more responsible sister....I try to 'show up' for them and do what I think and or know is the right thing to do in any situation with them....so that they could feel safe....( I have learned all of this the painful hard way).........I was the warrior, survivor in this family....I was the one chosen to break the denial.....the patterns...and start the domino effect.
I hope this helps you....it is the most painful time...and I am sorry for all of us that go through it....Most don't make it this far.....they act out, they die, they do not survive the way we are surviving...and it has a lot to do with the access to recover we have these days in every aspect of the word.....may the Universe keep blessing us...it is a terrible torment to be at the mercy at of your own head........but you know we are not in denial anymore...we can have the real life.....others HAVE to live in denial....we don't need their validation....we get it from eachother and our recovery sources.....
I hope you have a good day.......and a peaceful one.........

I'm sorry Jenny, like I said I've been so angry. It's very hard to have to many memories of horror come so fast. No one in my family believes me including my kids. I'm sorry I took it out on you.

I currently have the honor of being a fact checking resource for several young adults I have known since they were in diapers. Aside from a BP madwoman as an authority figure in their lives, they enjoyed stable childhoods. Helping them unravel their childhood memories has helped me to see just how different the child's eye view is. Facts, stories fears and wishes mix with innocent ease in a child's perception. A five minute scare can grow bigger than life while an entire school year blurs into 5 minutes.

Hi Greetings,

Just reading the last post there by arfie.........reminded me that when I actually did recall some memories and quite specifically....they were nothing compared to the rush of SHAME I felt around them at the time....and the FEAR I was feeling randomly....yes, the one in my mind that I am thinking of specifically was nothing (but of course was something!) but compared to the FEELINGS....that I had with them at those moments....and once I remembered some of them....it was as if I had a surge of new energy.....the release was really amazing.....because it takes energy to be avoiding these things in our minds.........I am thinking of the smaller memories now....the rush of shame I had...like the reddness in my neck and the lump in my throat....these things were the most debilitating things....some of the stuff that happened was quite manageable then to deal with mentally.....I guess it is that internalizing as they call it....takes a lot of work to hold them in and down......so important to feel safe....be nice to self....stay comfortable physically...mind yourself for H.A.L.T. hungry, angry, lonely, tired....and be kind to ourselves with expectations and thoughts.....it is just when we are soooo young ...it is so hard to process and deal with anything happening to us....
Goodnight

After decades of family secret habits and the resulting amnesia, I have some rigid habits built on the premise of "remember = bad."

I think that is the link of the chain I am hacking at now. It is okay to remember. Remembering should not have the power to roll me into a fetal ball.

This is the PTSD board and you have not remembered much yet. This makes me think that you might me a lot like me when I didn't remember. I felt this board was me home. My PTSD was incredible. Without remembering I still had flashbacks, nightmares, constant anxiety, all the other PTSD symptoms. Being in the fetal position was pretty regular. You're just not saved from the pain because you don't remember. At least with memory you understand why the fetal position. Arfie I know how painful this all is. I wish you peace at least sometimes.

I don't mean to be disrespectful to anyone whose PTSD has left them with memory gaps. It's just that I must be the other side of the coin. All my life growing up in domestic violence and as a child for a decade in a foreign war, I seemed to lack the gift of denial. Even Kubler-Ross's pioneering book on grief, which established denial as a stage to get over, admitted that, even for a time, denial had its purpose in surviving trauma. Not me. I was always the child in the story of the emperor with no clothes, the one who saw the lie all too plainly. As such I was the outcast in my family system and am to this day. Again, I'm not making light of amnesia. But sometimes I wish I didn't see things--and remember them--so clearly, either. My PTSD remains with my own brain peculiarity I have of not being able to disguise ugly truths--remembered from the past or recognized in the present. Is it ok to add that here, too? I don't mean to be contrary, so I apologize in advance if I offend.

I think we all have to wrestle with this question. I, too, have no one to confirm/deny any of my memories. My mom's boyfriend was very careful to completely isolate us so there are VERY few people who know what happened. Me, my brother (who has a serious addiction problem and refuses to talk about it), my mom (who remembers "nothing" and is absent from my life), and my mom's boyfriend whom I hope to never, ever see again.

I agree with Jenny - we have to work with what our brains present . I work with little kids professionally and I KNOW they remember things "wrong." And I'm certain I do, too. But my therapist asks me, "So what would change if your memory was 'wrong'?" Because, honestly, what other story is out there for me to believe? My mom's? My brothers? Not one of us (in my circle of four who know) remembers things in a truthful and unbiased way. Not a single person! Truthfully - my memory is just as good as anyone who can confirm or deny, and I trust myself a hundred times over anyone else. I still worry that it's wrong, sometimes, but then I remember it doesn't matter if is. I know what happened was horrible and wrong, and I just have to fight my way out of it.

TW - Did they make me mix the bleach and ammonia when I was four? Or did I do it out of curiosity? Is it my fault or theirs? Doesn't matter - they didn't help me in either case so they're still in the wrong. If I were going to court then some of these details would matter. But I'm not and so they don't.

Trust yourself. Work with what your brain has. In my mind, all the struggling and questioning our perceptions is further manifestations of abuse. We were taught that everything we perceived and did was WRONG. Take back your rights. Believe yourself. Even if the details are sketchy.