yes, I can relate to that, especially when I lived at home with my parents, but also later on. It seemed like something just under my consciousness, like a boogeyman, and I would be anxious, fearing that at any moment something might jump out at me. The anxiety would be in public such that I always had to sit bythe door if I was inside, cuz going deeper in resulted in near panic. then sometimes at night it would also be so that I was afraid to go to sleep.

Yes. One of the things that has helped me cope and grow in my recovery with PTSD has been functioning in a job. I teach. That means I stand in front of people all day every day. It's a public job. I sometimes have flashbacks in front of students, dissociate, even have panic attacks in front of them.

Not because of them, of course, but because triggers just happen, no matter how good your recovery is. So I've paid attention in therapy and here to the strategies I'm offered for how to cope with those moments and move on if I can.

I've learned that coping with PTSD is my thing, but most people have something they're shy about. I'm not minimizing how embarrassing it can be, but we can cut ourselves some slack. Lots of people have moments when they are not in control in public all the time for a variety of reasons, and lapses in concentration will happen. At least when they happen to me I know the reason, can deal with it, and then get back on track.

That's most of the time, mind you. There have been times when I couldn't cope, and had to go into the hospital, had to stop working for a time to recover, and suffered great losses as a result. But most of the time, it's not that drastic, and for that I'm grateful.

I like rhythms, songs and mantras to get me through. I focus on whichever I am using at the moment and just let them keep me moving through the task at hand. In this mode, I gotta take life one task at a time.

Hope ya find what works for you. It is tough stuff.

What sounds like it may be adding to your confusion is that you have a mixture of current realistic fear mixed up with your triggers from past trauma.

I have a stalker, who has kept up menacing for more than a decade. I tried going underground, off the radar etc. Finally I moved in a gated, (with guards) community. I lock my car door the second I get in it before I drive out the exit gate, and scan for being followed. I have been doing this for long enough now that I can reassure myself that it is OK to get out of the car when I get where I am going. Still it is easier to go places with a companion.

If you can separate the past from the present to sort out real precautions needed it helps eliminate some of the overkill reaction. At least that helped for me.

Best of luck to you.

i guess for me, it's like the lyric : `i'm not like them, but i can pretend', because every single person i have trusted enough to let in on my diagnosis has responded that they would never, ever had guessed that about me.

lookin' california, feelin' minnesota

sorry minnesota.

i agree with Mujicap I was teaching doing much better when had the structure of working and something to focus on besides my symptoms,, I have regretted many times my decision to take a break from teaching to get help for long standing trauma only to be attacked and raped,, could have happened anytime in life but it happened when I was very lonely just turned fifty and had no structure I did not cause it but went to a neighbors house of questionable characters hanging out and had a few beers something put in the beer was followed home for years now blamed myself never ever went to ladys house for anything I knew better why did I go after I got on disability and was not working,, I cant forgive my own self for going through a break and a vulnerable time and something happened , have not fully recovered the ptsd from that has taken me out , ie my fifties a blur of survival etc too late for treatment centers I force myself to out of bed each day to find purpose , now I wonder why i quit my career to get help ,, when it was the very thing that was helping me eight years later I cannot change what happened I dont believe any of us choose to be raped stalked but I do believe predators know , where when we are the most vulnerable, thanks for letting me share this horrific experience which has truly disabled me and taken me to a deeper level of despair than I could have imagined I need all of you ,, warrior