Post-Traumatic Stress Disorder (PTSD) Support Group
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A few months back in a discussion in this group I briefly touched on the topic of one of my concerns/paranoias. The issue was that I feel very uncomfortable and on edge around feminists due to the nature of the abuse that lead to my traumas and who the abusers were. I also memtioned how one aspect of this in particular that bothers me is how often I see rants/posts/blogs around the internet where self proclaimed "feminists" argue things like it is rape if a man even looks at a woman, or that all sex is rape, etc.
At the time some group members here seemed surprised or even skeptical of such claims occuring in today's world.
Well recently I learned of articles about a case where a woman kept calling the cops and accusing her male neighbor of "telepathically raping" her. Of course in each case the police couldn't find any evidence that the neighbor was doing anything at all so the case would be dismissed.
Well eventually the woman went and illegally purchased a gun and then convinced her husband to go shoot that neighbor with it for telepathically raping her. The neighbor was shot several times in the back, but thankfully survived and the woman and her husband were arrested.
Here's a link to one article about it: http://abcnews.go.com/News/self-styled-telepathic-rape-victim-convicted-for-having-husband-shoot-man/blogEntry?id=20374844
I feel as though I might not be so on edge or paranoid around women and feminists if a satisfactory explaination could be given as to why none of the mainstream/prominent feminist groups/organizations ever seem to publicly denounce or speak out against the radical/extremist feminists who try hijacking the movement to preach about things like how all men are evil rapists by virtue of being born male.
Wouldn't it be in the best interest of actual feminists (as in the ones who are just about equality and not about hating men) to NOT let extremists highjack the feminist movement to turn it into one about hate?
For someone like me it comes across as looking like mainstream feminism condones the actions and sexist philosophies of the radicals/extremists when virtually nothing seems to be done about it. It doesn't exactly put me at ease when the only feminists who speak out against it or even say they're against it seem to be the small groups and individuals who identify as feminists, but frequently seem oblivious to what is going on in the modern generations of feminism.
At the time some group members here seemed surprised or even skeptical of such claims occuring in today's world.
Well recently I learned of articles about a case where a woman kept calling the cops and accusing her male neighbor of "telepathically raping" her. Of course in each case the police couldn't find any evidence that the neighbor was doing anything at all so the case would be dismissed.
Well eventually the woman went and illegally purchased a gun and then convinced her husband to go shoot that neighbor with it for telepathically raping her. The neighbor was shot several times in the back, but thankfully survived and the woman and her husband were arrested.
Here's a link to one article about it: http://abcnews.go.com/News/self-styled-telepathic-rape-victim-convicted-for-having-husband-shoot-man/blogEntry?id=20374844
I feel as though I might not be so on edge or paranoid around women and feminists if a satisfactory explaination could be given as to why none of the mainstream/prominent feminist groups/organizations ever seem to publicly denounce or speak out against the radical/extremist feminists who try hijacking the movement to preach about things like how all men are evil rapists by virtue of being born male.
Wouldn't it be in the best interest of actual feminists (as in the ones who are just about equality and not about hating men) to NOT let extremists highjack the feminist movement to turn it into one about hate?
For someone like me it comes across as looking like mainstream feminism condones the actions and sexist philosophies of the radicals/extremists when virtually nothing seems to be done about it. It doesn't exactly put me at ease when the only feminists who speak out against it or even say they're against it seem to be the small groups and individuals who identify as feminists, but frequently seem oblivious to what is going on in the modern generations of feminism.
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The weeks seem to fly by!Happy Saturday to everyoneI hope that the weekend brings some chill time and barbecuesDoes it take others what seems like forever to add a comment on the boards?I'm okay everywhere else except boards..Everywhere else adds normally but it's annoyingly slow!Have a great Saturday and do something nice for you!!Big hug...xo
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I'm feeling down,, and got alot on my mind right now. I got grief going on, on top my depression and anxiety and now I got to worry about somewhere to live since I can't afford living here since my mom passed. So many bad things have happened since my mom passed. One thing after another it seems. Yesterday our fence fell from a storm that hit, had to call someone to prop it up. Thank...
http://www.malesurvivor.org/
I'm not saying you shouldn't post here. I'm just trying to provide another resource.
It's a therapy exercise I was given about 18 months ago. I still can't make a decision. It's painful. And it's also very helpful in my sorting out what eactly it is I want out of my future, given my past.
Submitted for your consideration, to misquote Rod Serling, but PTSD is a lot like the Twilight Zone.
As ever, peace be your journey, and gentle be your rest.
If it happens again that someone makes a prejudicial statement about all men, please call attention to it. I think we need that because we may not notice it, and there is no reason to let something like that pass unremarked. It is not right, and it is a disservice to you and others like you. We are all in this together.
I've spent months pouring over every possible resource and following as many potential leads as I could get from other DS members. Nothing really turned up in terms of resources for male victims of emotional/psychological abuse. (There were some for sexual and physical abuse though.)
As I came to learn, even the domestic abuse hotlines have a bad enough reputation when comes to helping male victims that some studies were done on it. The typical responses to abused men calling the help lines are: ridicule the man and/or tell him he must deserve it; accuse him of being the real abuser; decline to provide assistance (such as from lack of resources to help male victims); refer them to a homeless shelter; or refer them to a batter's program (a program for physically abusive men).
@leo:
An ideal world to me would be one where I could go about my life without being glared at by random women like I've done something wrong by going out in public or like I'm creepy for being quiet and keeping to myself; where I could have a casual conversation with women without being used to do something for them only to be ignored and/or treated like trash as soon as I've done what they wanted (yes this repeatedly happened to me); where I don't have feel terrified that women around me will threaten me with false accusations to could lose me my job or worse out of spite or in attempts to manipulate me into doing something for them (the last major incident of this resulted in me having a mini-stroke); where I wouldn't have to worry about being berated or lashed out at by radical feminists simply for being male; essentially a world where I could be treated normally by men AND women, and not be in constant fear of where the next attack will come from.
Is it really so unreasonable to want to be able to live your life without constantly feeling like any random member if the opposite sex is out to hurt you?
http://www.malesurvivor.org/board/ubbthreads.php
They have forums for all kinds of male survivors including military, abused as adults and survivors of female abuse that says:
"This forum is a place where male survivors who have been abused by females can come to discuss their experiences and issues and seek feedback and support from other male survivors. We ask that ONLY male survivors post in this forum."
It's really hard to want to reach out with empathy when I feel like you've just attacked me. I did try to reach out, but it appears not to have worked.
I doubt I can be of any help, and I don't like that.
...I did not get a position I asked for once, I was told " the client wants a man in the overnight shift."
Apparently blatant sex discrimination was cool if it kept the client happy...and the guys running my company were down with that.
This makes me wonder how many other opportunities I just can't access because I'm not a man, or if I make less than the guys do and am not made aware of that.
I'm not asking you to answer for that, it's in no way your fault, and you probably don't approve of it either. I'm just telling you what influences me to see things as I do. It's not because I get off on degrading men, or any people. Some of my most beloved people in the world are men.
And that's why Thomas More and Plato before him called it Utopia---"No Place". There is no place that ideal. The trick is being the change we want to see in the place we have. Sooo.... if you see a banner like "Yes Means No"---will you stop and realize how that makes female rape victims feel, or wil you decide that all those frat boys are just boys-being-boys, or will you give them a thumbs-up? If you overhear a guy telling a totally random female "Nice (body part)", are you going to turn to him and say, 'Geez, dude, completely out of line, that's a person, not a pin-up."? If you see someone like my best friend getting hit on in the store while she's buying her son's school clothes---*groped*, for God's sake---will you go over and tell the guy to back the hell off, tell the woman you're sorry to butt in, and walk away without any expectation except the doing of a good deed?
Can you tell a woman "No" if she asks for more than common courtesy?
Can you see women as *people* and not *types*?
People like to polarize. It's easy and it's simple. But the problems and issues are complicated and complex. So maybe break it down to one facet of the core issue, and work from there?
It's a lot I'm throwing out at you, and I apologize for that, but I survived my sister my dad my rapist and my dad's family. After that, I have every justification needed to give up on life, love, humanity, etc. I've had to ask the questions of myself that I'm asking of you. I've had to answer them. Not always in therapy, either. Often, on my own, fumbling along for a feel for who I want to be.
I myself rarely have issues with male aggression against me, but that's because I can scare even military veterans just by how I walk down a street. As a friend of mine---a vet, in fact---told me once, "You got that thing in the eyes that says, don't pull the pin on this grenade."
That was how I survived. The thing is, men read that as "she's gonna kill me". So it may be that women are reacting to your "mode" much the same way.
I'm 44, and much as I try, I can't seem to tone it down much. I don't know if I ever can. But small kids and animals don't fear me, so that's something....
Just my POV on this. Because I won't hate all men or all women or all humanity. That lets my abusers dictate my thinking. And I'm too contrary for that. Or, as we say back home, I'm so contrary that if I drown in the river, you better look for my body upstream.
It's a lot to consider. Take it one "considering point" a week. No time limits.
In the scenario you described I can't help but wonder if the client had other motives for requesting men only during that time. I'm not sure what work your job entails, but I know if I were hiring a business to do some work for me and it entailed possibly interacting with any of their employees while they're working on it I would feel extremely uncomfortable and extremely triggered if the worker assigned to me was female AND the work/interaction would be taking place at night.
In my mind that just has far too many real or imagined threats entailed.
I imagine many female rape victims would choose to have only female employees assigned to work with/for her in such a scenario for much the same reasons. Does that make them sexist if they make such a request? Of course not.
@leo:
I don't like seeing men act like that to women either. I view it as adding fuel to the fire and making things worse for me by extension. Calling those types of men out or chastizing them when they do things like those to women is very hit-or-miss for me and many other men though in this day and age. There are many people who view men doing that when they see other men being rude to women as just acting that way in a sleazy attempt to seduce the woman.
For a guy in those situations on a good day the woman might respond to you telling the jerks off by saying thanks or at least ignoring you until you've hurried away. On a bad day you might get chewed out by the woman and/or jerks for things like treating her like she's weak and helpless, or for "just trying to get in her pants".
As for politely declining the requests of a woman, that's usually fine/safe if there's a quick escape route and I don't risk bumping into her on a regular basis (such as in college courses), or if there are security cameras recording the entire encounter. However, without those safety nets it is all too easy for a woman to try using coercion through threats of false accusations of things like sexual offences against her. Since I work at a college and am also required to take courses each semester to keep my job as a student employee such threats pose a very serious risk to me (even if eventually proven to be false allegations). This is partly because I would lose my insurance coverage if that happened since I just barely earn the minimum income to qualify for a healthcare package in the US. Being prevented from working the maximum allowed hours due to the problems such false accusations at a college would cause would result in me having no health insurance AND having to reimburse the government for everything it has covered so far.
You would think that the people around a woman making these kinds of threats would speak up and say something, but that has never happened in ANY of the instances where a woman has used this coercion tactic against me.
Lastly, with regards to the thing about people possibly just responding to a percieved demeanor: a former abuser of mine (whom I didn't realize was an abuser until I had been dating her for a few months) used an argument like that to justify the abuse. She basically explained to me that when a guy is quiet/shy/introverted it makes him seem creepy to women, and that those traits therefor justify women in lashing out or abusing such men in order to feel safe.
(I have no idea what seems "safe" about tormenting someone you feel is somehow seriously dangerous to you though. Sounds about as logical as sneaking into the bear enclosure at a zoo and repeatedly poking the bear with a sharp stick because the bear scares you.)
Us thinks it is won, once more, then again
Still Them grows so fat
While Us grows so thin
Us huffs and Us puffs and Us blows the house down
Them shrugs Us off with a sighful frown
Us lets it be known that, "Them doth suck."
Them waves us off with a wish of good luck
Till one day Us breathes in an aroma of trust
To see there is no Them. There is only Us.
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=PEP1GYdqgCQ
I looked through their forum, but it seems that even the sub-forum about victims of female abusers is more about abuse of a sexual nature. Much of the abuse in that particular sub-forum seemed to be about incestuous sexual abuse.
Like I've said before, it's unimaginably hard to find resources for male victims of emotional/psychological abuse at the hands of women. It seems to be an incredibly taboo subject for most of society. Even here on DS many members are quick to dismiss or minimize the issue as being just about politics or as being some kind of argument of men vs women.
Body language tells us a lot, and most of it is told to the part of our brains that evolved before speech and higher reasoning. Adult women dislike me because I don't seem to "fit" with them.... because of that "masculinized" demeanor I mentioned above. They don't even *think* about it. THey just react that way.
Adult men often avoid me for the same reason. I am not feminine-seeming in my demeanor as I walk down a sidewalk, ergo, I am treated as they would treat another *guy*. Which conflicts with the whole part of their brain saying, "It has breasts!" and there we go....
Trying to be helpful here, because really, at a certain point, you can't fight entrenched societal views of whore-maddona sinner-saint slut-stud typing in one swoop. You can only change your *self*.
Have you ever considered trying yoga, btw? As a way of working exercise and meditation and mindfulness into your day? I love(d) yoga. Helped me keep within my own head space and define my personal space as well. Just an idea.
I've been stuck int he "gender wars" all my life. Dad wanted a son, but derided me for being a tomboy. He had contempt for my older sister, who was girly, but she was very aggressive, which he did approve of... That all rape victims deserved it, that a man striking a wife was okay in certain circumstances, because a bitchy woman was not to be borne.... Whereas he also taught me to hunt, track, shoot, fish, etc..... and my mom said I'd get a college degree and that I didn't need a man to be a person.... *ow*
Just rambling. Ignore me. tired,
Oddly enough older women (like grey haired grandmother old) have never seemed to react to me the way younger women do. Or at least if they do none of them have ever shown any sign of it or reacted in hostile ways towards me.
I can't even afford treatment or therapy of any kind though, so I can't exactly hire anyone to do their own analysis of my body language.
I'm not keen on yoga either. It's something that has too many triggers for me tied to it since it reminds me too much of women.
It's frustrating to continuously hear things that allude to the possibility that there could just be some innocuous trait I have that somehow causes so many women to unconsciously feel hostile towards me.
It certainly doesn't make me feel any safer around women. If anything the idea makes me feel even worse.
If not legal to record, then refuse to talk to them without a witness.
That's my practical advice to prevent any more manipulation.
I don't know WHY women manipulate and threaten you, but I know if you record the interactions, they can't lie about what happened.
I'd also consider trying to isolate you a danger signal...I don't like to be alone in small, isolated areas with male employees for somewhat similar reasons. I have been sexually harassed at work, though never chronically.
Anyway...that is just my experience. I still have an occasional day that I think the worst of men. It has gotten much better with therapy.
I'm sorry you are struggling to find a source of support that works for you.
You were badly hurt by your mother and from what you've said in school as well... I'm not sure what's going on in your life now but I think you still live with your mom??... Even if you could get a room somewhere or live in a shelter it just might be a better place for you??.. Just something to consider
It seems from what you've written that you were badly victimized sweetie and taking that on is so very painful... Perhaps finding a way of breaking that cycle could really turn your life around
In other words you are a survivor... It's another way to look at it that could perhaps start a new cycle of healing
Big hug of comfort for you... I know you can't afford a therapist .. There is a lot about being a victim on the net and you can't start a process of turning things around
A lot of people on here have had to start this process myself included...It's not easy... it takes work, effort and courage that we sometimes just don't feel
But taking one small step at a time can be so very worthwhile...
http://www.positivityblog.com/index.php/2009/10/09/how-to-break-out-of-a-victim-mentality-7-powerful-tips/
None of us wants to let the the haters and bullies win... We want you to heal and get your life back...xo