Signed on for another week at my current motel. When in doubt, I shoot to stay put. The park across the street, directly on the bank of the Ohio River and a few miles upstream from the river confluence, is a tremendous consolation.

My support dog is keeping me well reminded to go appreciate the REAL power of nature. This morning's walk helped.

Love my new hiking shoes. My feet are still comfy and dry.

Hugs arfie, The meditation may have an interference it can't get past...the longing to protect the beloved.
If that feels right then get back to him, you are stronger together than apart in crisis. I know that it seems that the PTSD is part of the need for your space, but also in there is the need for all areas of importance to be copacetic. Right now your gut is telling you his Clark Kent is just a form of posturing, relief may be needed. Stress without some relief plays and pays dearly on our health. Also on those of whom we love. It was stress that complicated John's condition, ultimately making him too weak to fight. Please consider this as you look for the reasons for your own UN-ease. Life is much easier with two than one for many reasons.

Hugs and my heart.
J.

Thank you, Jewells. I believe you are right.

Alas, every fiber of my being tells me that returning home now will only bring on another round of the MIL/DIL waltz. The DIL sounds like quotes from the Toxic People Dump chat rooms when we go these rounds. There is not a doubt in anyone's mind that she spends more time on-line than in-person. What you feed is what grows. Neither my beloved, nor I, believe there is anything to be gained from feeding that particular phenomenon. It is what it is, whether we understand it or not.

There are many levels on which I feel more bonded with my beloved on the road than as a standardized shadow in his busy day. "Small steps, big faith and lots of prayer" remains our shared mantra. Prayer knows no physical limits. Nor does love.

So maybe an invite for him is order? a long set of hours to share energy. What can't be seen still exists, but for humans and dogs alike to be with one that accepts you is the feed we need for our naturally companion seeking selves. It is okay to orbit in each others worlds of interests but at some points the "Touch" is more important than the universe of anything else.

DIL is only a factor when you let her be. That is for her and son to decide as mates. You had your mate before he existed and it's natural to want his happiness to please your own. Go with feeding that instead of DIL.

I know that I usually withhold my feelings on the importance of spouse and relationships and that it is very present now. History is the best teacher on that, my anniversary in a week tells me that as strong as I am getting as strong as I want to be...his being made me want to be , the loss is different than any other I have ever had. That alone says a lot on the numbers scale.

This is long but it showed me in words why and how hard it was to be without my "Beloved" It was written by a member known as Wifeless years ago now. But is shared periodically on the other Board.

Unique and Devastating Loss

With the death of our spouse (which here includes fiance, significant other, partner, etc.), we grieve the loss of so much more than someone we merely loved or were close to, like a parent, grandparent, sibling, friend or pet. We grieve instead the loss of: The one we loved most deeply, cherished and felt the very closest to. The one we swore commitment to in that unique human bond of marriage, which many consider sacred. The one we shared the
ultimate partnership with to live as one and perhaps bear children with. The one who embodied our true sense of home. The one who was our best friend and who was to be our companion for life. The one we confided in, depended on and trusted most. The one who really knew, understood and accepted us as we were. The one we felt safe and protected with. The one we shared private moments and intimate feelings with. The one we mated souls with.
But it is not just that this most precious person has been torn from our life, as unbearably heartbreaking as that alone is. With the death of our spouse, and only of our spouse, many additional profound losses must be grieved as well. For we also suffer: The loss of who we ourselves were while with them. The loss of the couple we were once half of. The loss of the life partnership we once formed. The loss of the husband or wife role we once embraced. The loss of the life we once lived. The loss of the plans we once made. The loss of the dreams we once shared. The loss of the future we once envisioned.
Amidst all this, we are also suddenly confronted with many hardships we never expected to face at this point in our life. Besides financial survival, increased domestic burdens and perhaps single parenting, additional challenges less apparent to others but all too real and terrifying to us. We must now find it within ourselves: To create a new identity. To redefine our role in life. To establish a new connection to the world. To build a new network of social relationships. To discover a new sense of purpose. To formulate a new set of goals. To decide on a new direction for our future.
And we must accomplish these without dishonoring our former life, but while suppressing bittersweet memories of that life, so that they not hold us back. Memories of happier times mostly, but also those of our spouses death, either sudden and shocking or after prolonged illness. We must further endure the feelings of guilt and disloyalty that follow us as we attempt to forget and move forward, but with our heartstrings tied so tightly to the past.
And all these tasks must be taken on at the lowest possible point of our life in the worst state imaginable. When we are the weakest, most vulnerable, most insecure, most isolated, most heartbroken and most emotionally exhausted we have ever been. Without that one person we long ago became accustomed to relying on to help get us through life's greatest challenges. The one who, just by being there, would have provided us emotional comfort and moral support to draw upon, as well as the strength and confidence we need to complete those tasks and so much more. But now we face all this alone.
Profound indeed is the death of our spouse. Unique and devastating. For nearly all of us, much more catastrophic to our life than the loss of any other. And truly comparable, many of us widows and widowers often feel, to one other death only. Ours.
Posted on 12/09/14, 07:54 pm

So sorry for the hijack, but past vision is 20/20. I would not wish this on anyone.

Jewels' suggestion about your husband coming to you sounds like a good one.

I also suggest cancelling your internet service, or just change your modem and don't give them the new password. If internet is her drug of choice, don't give it to her.

And once again, dear Arfie, I urge you to seek some counseling support for yourself through this. It is a overwhelmingly multifaceted situation and there's no reason for you to try to cope with it on your own. You deserve to get some excellent support in all this.

Yes, my beloved coming to me is my fondest dream in this nightmare. In addition to the domestic dramas, it has been a very long time since I have held sincere admiration for much of anything about the "progress" in Boom Texas. Zoom on, good buddies. . . Enjoy your bright lights and strip malls.

The dream of my beloved coming to me has even come true for brief moments of time during the past 35 years. Perhaps one day I will tell you of the love that grew when he followed me to the Southern Hemisphere. . . 3 times. . . But that base conditioning is a powerful Force of Nature. Every time we get back to his home state, I begin to feel the doors of the gilded cage closing in on me. I know my illness projects like a bad dog, but . . . There are times my instincts are right. Not even I can be wrong 100% of the time.

Perhaps the most painful part of my own marriage is how much my beloved looks like his father -remember Daddy Gasbucks and his employee entourages?- when he gets caught up in his busy career path. I am genuinely terrified of that family tradition. . . My journeys through the Toxic People Landfills have been far more pleasant than what I saw of my mother-in-law's life inside the privately guarded and fortified gilded cage she lived in. At least there is room for hope in the trash heaps of human wisdom. What contemporary humans call trash continues to amaze me. On a heritage level, those trash heaps are my personal roots. I go where God - by whatever name - sends me.

I am still imagining the harmonies of "The Circle Game" my beloved and I have been singing since the pneumonia phase of his recent health crisis. I copied the lyrics from Joni Mitchell's web site this morning. Copying them by hand -no printer here- helped fix them in my mind. Got my guitar out of its case and laying on the bed. Bet you already figured what my next therapy session is gonna be.

Thanks guys. I am in pain, but believe I am holding steady through the storm.

Donna, my own therapy network is 43 years deep. Been using it, though my current physical location does provide extra challenge therein. Thank you for the reminder. Yes, I do believe it helps. Not a panacea, but it helps.

My beloved is from the world of formal invitations and catered sincerity. He is passive/aggressively resistant to invites. I wait until it is his idea. . .

I am still learning to be patient with the process. . .

Hope you weather those electric oscillations ok today, arfie. Physical symptoms from being triggered by PTSD are a very real presence in my life. Much support to you today.