I don’t know how people pay for counseling.

Adjusting to single mom income is hard.

When kids sick I have to stay home too. Family is not safe.

I’m not sure if she knows what she’s doing or if it’s on purpose but this is my life here at mom and dads house....

Mom leaves hazardous things around. Medications. Scissors. Knives. All within reach of toddlers. The other day we came home and a hot pan of cornbread was on the low lying kitchen table. My almost two year old went to grab it while I was putting things away. I turned just in time to prevent what surely would’ve been an ER trip. She barely touched it and I think she cried more because my reaction scared her than because she felt pain. I had her hold a frozen can of juice and she was giggling and completely okay but her tiny blister had an affect on me.

Let me be clear, I do not know my moms heart but I do know her reactions to things that happen. Anything she can express guilt or embarrassment about or any feelings that tend to illicit compassion from others, she takes the opportunity. It’s more about her than whoever it is she’s hurt or witnessed getting hurt.

Time travel back to the days when I was a little girl afraid to face my older brother who’d taken something I needed for homework or was watching tv when I needed to practice music or bake something for class. I could be on the other side of the house but playing music set him off. Making noise in the kitchen set him off or I was in his way. If I asked for her help many times she spoke to me with contempt, making me feel weak for needing her, but we all knew the consequences, especially when it involved taking back something he’d taken from me or using the phone when he was home because that’s when he’d decide he wanted to use the phone. It was not normal sibling rivalry. It was how can I avoid being drowned, strangled, punched, kicked, thrown down the stairs or threatened with knife or scissors. She basically told me to walk into a fire and watched me get burned. She did very little to help if she did anything at all. And when something happened that required an explanation to others she used it to talk about her feelings but talking about my feelings was never okay. 

It feels like she did/does things so she can have something to complain about.

knowing some of the things she’s never dealt with this type of crazy makes sense but it’s awful. 

I’m not able to save money right now. I’m awaiting child support and divorce is slow. I’m here for now, spending most of my time outside of the house and not allowing kids to be alone with either parent.

If you’ve ever read Healing The Wounded Heart, they explain family dynamic. I can see her role a bit and I can see my brothers. I can’t see my Dads. 

Just a few things on my mind today. I wish I could see a counselor regularly. I want to move forward. This PTSD Coach app says we don’t have to live like this forever. That sounds cool but highly unrealistic.

 I have either trusted everyone but myself or trusted no one. Currently I trust no one....