Post-Traumatic Stress Disorder (PTSD) Support Group
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I had a rough weekend. But I'm used to "rough" so it feels normal. I know feeling the way im feeling now is not normal but I don't know how to get out of this. I've laid in bed for the last 4 hours contemplating suicide again.
We're on a break. I'm supposed to be working through my problems and "healing" so my boyfriend and I can have a relationship and it feels ridiculous. Ridiculous because part of me believes I'll have broken pieces forever and I just have to learn how to manage it all and hide it so I can function like a "healthy" person. Ridiculous because going through this just validates that I'm unloved when I'm hurting this badly.
i don't even know what love is. I know love by control. That I have to earn love. This situation just feels the same. So I keep contemplating saying fuck it because that's all I know how to do to deal with it. I feel stuck though because 3 years ago I recieved love from him that I thought I wanted forever. And when he saw the messed up parts of me, the love went away and never returned the same way. I stayed anyway and hoped it would. I convinced myself that if I fix myself he'll love me again. Half of me knows that's not how it works. I don't know what I'm doing anymore. I feel like a failed and flawed human being. So badly that I don't see a point to existing anymore.
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Sometimes, I think I have ODD. I can be oppositional. It seems that the only times that I feel like cleaning are when I should be doing something else or I have to go somewhere. Well, not everytime but most of the time. Yesterday, I was supposed to be doing online training for work but instead, I decided to work on my kitchen table. Most of the time, I don't know where to start and give...
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I have a possible new diagnosis to discuss with my therapist tomorrow. It might be the answer to a question that I have had since I was 19. It's called Rejection Sensitivity Dysphoria (RSD). It happens to a large percentage of people with ADHD, which I have. Actually, I have been watching videos about ADD/ADHD lately. I remember my Mom telling me that she watched a show on ADD and she...
It is not an academically validated dx, but I have considered myself a recovering chaos junkie since the mid-80's. I came of age amidst chaos and despair. By the time I found my way to recovery as a young adult, chaos was far more familiar to me than serenity or contentment. 40 years into recovery and my first reflex remains to throw the baby out with the bath water to any challenge in any given day. Luckily I have learned how to wait out that reflex before I take action.
TRIGGER WARNING
As for life's having a point, when I was tortured by military as a 15 year old missionary kid abroad, the officer's gun didn't finish the session off because it jammed twice. Such a random reason to avoid death and stay alive challenged the notion that my life had a point to it ever after. I'm 63 now somehow, and every day the idea of finishing the job for that officer occurs to me without fail.
I hope you do get back with your boyfriend, that sounds nice. Maybe we could support each other here and see what happens.