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So I completed exposure therapy in July of last year. Since then I have had lots of anxiety issues. And these ones are probably the worst I have ever had. Its like I will get overwhelmed, then my brain fogs, and then BAM! "instant ultra p!$$#d" I dont even have time to think of a coping skill to stop it.
Talking to my therapist she tells me that this is my mind trying to learn how to function again. She says that because my mind has never had a break from all the things that I bottled from my past, that it has to learn its new "normal". And apparently this is my mind getting frustrated with the process. Well ..... it just sucks.
Since there is no time for coping skills when this happens, I will be seeing a doc on the 28th to get on an anti anxiety medication. Preferably one that I can also take for sleep. I was on Klonopin there for a while and then I came off of it because I was relying more on my coping skills to handle things. Which worked up until now.
My poor fiance. I feel so bad that he has to deal with me when I explode. He does well with it though but I think it is starting to weigh on him. He wont admit it to me though.
Anyways..... Welcome to my new life I guess.
I seem to be having sensory issues as well. It is like things that only bothered me a little before are now amplified. Bright lights like florescent and too many noises going on at once seem to trigger anxiety much more than they used to. Have I just been deft to these things for the last 15 years? lol. Is it possible that I am simply just noticing it more now that my mind doesn't have so much of a distraction?
Trying to find myself in a life that I have never known...
Talking to my therapist she tells me that this is my mind trying to learn how to function again. She says that because my mind has never had a break from all the things that I bottled from my past, that it has to learn its new "normal". And apparently this is my mind getting frustrated with the process. Well ..... it just sucks.
Since there is no time for coping skills when this happens, I will be seeing a doc on the 28th to get on an anti anxiety medication. Preferably one that I can also take for sleep. I was on Klonopin there for a while and then I came off of it because I was relying more on my coping skills to handle things. Which worked up until now.
My poor fiance. I feel so bad that he has to deal with me when I explode. He does well with it though but I think it is starting to weigh on him. He wont admit it to me though.
Anyways..... Welcome to my new life I guess.
I seem to be having sensory issues as well. It is like things that only bothered me a little before are now amplified. Bright lights like florescent and too many noises going on at once seem to trigger anxiety much more than they used to. Have I just been deft to these things for the last 15 years? lol. Is it possible that I am simply just noticing it more now that my mind doesn't have so much of a distraction?
Trying to find myself in a life that I have never known...
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I don't really know how to label this but I having a rough week and I can't say it's one thing.... I have a lot on my plate which is nothing new and I try to cope in many positive ways and do but I still have my moments.My kids more so my daughters talk to me about everything which I know it's cause of comfort and we are close.... however I really struggle with the venting about their dad which...
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I did the dumbest thing today. I charged my earbuds, unplugged the block and put the block in my little bag instead of the earbuds. I wasn't happy about that when I got to the gym. What a dummy!
My second time many years later was the opposite. I had the right therapist, the right prep with him, the right support when I did it. I was scared because of the memory of the first time but it was a turning point in my recovery.
Not an instantaneous one, though. Just something I've been able to build on since for the past 7 years now. Exposure therapy is no joke. To me it's like therapy graduation, it's a long road of years until you ever get there and then it's a big transition to make when you do arrive at that point.
Congratulations for doing it, and much support to you in its aftermath. Be good to yourself, you deserve it.
I fell to pieces and ended up back in therapy. While it would seem like knowing "everything" is a good thing, it was exceptionally difficult for me to handle. I had to deal with an onslaught of emotions all at once and it redefined how I view all the people close to me and how I felt about my life in general.
Believe it or not, your anxiety may fuel the fog. Detachment and brain fog are one way your subconscious may attempt to "cope" with your feelings. I went through a perpetual fog that lasted several months; I tried taking antidepressants and it didn't help.
Everybody is different but what ultimately helped me was the idea of mindfulness. l realized I felt so overwhelmed by all of my emotions it was easier for me to sort through them when I focused on each of them individually and it ultimately allowed me to let them go.
While that may not work for your situation I gave myself "sort time" each day. When I would have disturbing thoughts I would push them to the back of my mind and remind myself to sort it later. During my sort time I thought over all the things I had "pushed back" that day and began letting the little things go one by one.
While it took me just over a year to handle it all, I began by letting the smallest instances and easiest instances go. By the end of the year I had let go all but the big things. Rather than let the entire big instances go, I focused on letting parts of them go (emotions, phrases, etc) until eventually I had let everything go.
While this may not be akin to anger I shared this just to say purposeful sort space might help? Constantly pushing things back for eternity is only going to eat you from the inside out. Perhaps if you give yourself sort space, the triggers won't be so bad when they do happen?
Like Alice, I had my memories unload all at once, whammo, and was in the emergency room.... I have a terror of the building I was in when the memories returned, b/c of how overwhelmed and awful I felt, like my body and mind were trying to go separate directions and tear me to bits.
I can definitely identify on "that didn't used to bug me" problem. And I'm medicated. (Prozac, Klonopin, and a PRN med). I just can't abide certain things and when I look back, I realize I only did it before b/c I had no conscious recollection of why they *should* or *would* bug me.... And then, the dam on the river Denial broke, and here I am, with my new-but-still-me-normal thing. *headscratch*
I like your therapist's explanation. Your mind finally has time to notice because it's not busy keeping things at bay. Mine is still overwhelmed by memory-emotion stuff, and yet, I function much as I did *before* b/c my brain was so busy making sure I didn't know what I knew. In a nutshell: Ow!
Be gentle and careful with yourself:-)
Alice.... thank you for the information and advice. Mindfulness is something that I might have to try. I know of mindfulness. It is similar to what I do with breaking down my thoughts and redirecting them into a different thought. I used to do this activity sheet that my therapist provided me that had me do the breakdown and work with core beliefs and the rationality of the thought itself. I still do it, I am just so used to it after years of it that I can do it in my head now. What you have done with the mindfulness is honestly a great feat. Especially the fact that you do it daily. Kudos to you.
LeoX3.... I am glad that you recognize that on your own. I will be one to tell you that you have to be ready for exposure therapy in order to make it through. It is a rough road. Very helpful in the end and worth it, but you have to be ready. I was not ready for many years and even when I did do it, so many times I wanted to just stop. Cause lots of repressed memories to come through, my night terrors came back during the process, flashback galore, and of course all of this triggered be to go in an out of bipolar episodes because of the stress. And I had to do it without bipolar medication because it numbed me too much. Part of exposure therapy is feeling and dealing with the emotions.
Thank you for sharing your advice and kind words.
I started from an extreme case of "Trauma Induced Amnesia" in 1974. Combat PTSD was still being called "Shell Shock" and "Battle Fatigue." It was somewhere between 15 and 25 years later before I got an explanation that made sense to me for my own, strictly personal case. There sure are allot of variables in any personal PTSD equation, so I hold those "strictly personals" to be critical. Take what works for you and leave the rest.
The explanation which made sense for my own strictly personal compared my amnesia, etc., to a shattered bone which had been left to heal badly for a very long time. The bone had to be re-broken and set correctly. Physical therapy was necessary to rebuild muscles, ligaments, etc. Physical therapy remains necessary to maintain maximum usage. It was/is a long haul and I am still not in any danger of winning athletic scholarships, but. . . Some days I can walk well enough to believe it is/was worth the price.
Just an analogy that worked for my own case.
Continued support while you figure out your own, unique dynamics, Pheonix.
Welcome back.
P.S. Electric lights remain a huge trigger for me. Exposure therapy still in progress. Love the "Light Ages." Seems like the brighter we get, the less enlightened we are. Seems. Don't accuse me of ex-spurting.