I guess I don't think that much about the fact that I am diagnosed with PTSD and depression, mainly because symptoms of a lot of disorders can go into remission and then you forget about it.  Well they have come back quite a bit these days.

In my case, I went through a lot of physical abuse and even SA.  When I was younger, I got physically abused a lot by my brother and my dad.  There were police involved and I was once at the emergency room and even stayed at a shelter.  I was told by my brother that I didn't deserve any conversation, so any time I spoke, I would just get told "f-you."  And he said that if I upset him in any way that I would get a hit, and that I needed to learn to behave. He even said he wanted to unalive me.  My dad said a lot of similar things. 

Anyway, this is probably too much detail, but the problem here is that after many years of no contact, like 8 years, my mom has been trying to get me involved back in the family.  For obvious reasons, I don't want to.  She has always completely dismissed everything they did and accused me of being the problem.  She absolutely adores my brother.  At any rate, I did agree to a couple of these get togethers with them.  A real mistake. I don't know what I was thinking. I guess that I was thinking after all this time, that maybe something would be different or that I would feel different.  It wasn't different.

I just felt so sick being around my brother. I don't think that he has changed at all.  In my opinion he just freeloads off my parents, he is in his late  40s and has never moved out.  When I went to dinner with them a few weeks ago I was so anxious I could not wait to get out of there. My brother was putting down the women in the restaurant and telling me that I was going to get fat.  Then of course he wanted all of us to hold hands and pray.  I thought it was the worst.  I refused.

It was so awkward and uncomfortable.  My mom wanted me to take a picture with him and I just said no and went home.  She then started putting a lot of pressure on me to start hanging out with them all of the time and wanted to get together for my dad's birthday this week, and I made up an excuse.  She asked again and I just said no thanks.  Now all is quiet, and that is probably good.  I figured I'd better back off, my dad was acting crazy, he showed up at my house when I had COVID and just started ringing the bell over and over. It was scary.

I used to get together with my parents without my brother like once or twice a year, which I could handle, but her trying to fast forward all of this and force this whole family thing on me just didn't work.  Now that I said no thanks I wonder if I'll even see my parents the once or twice a year.  I don't know.  All I know is that she's always tried to force this abusive relationship on me, even when they both beat me up right in front of her face.  As far as I'm concerned, I think they are all crazy.  I did notice though, that after I told them I wouldn't be getting together with them that my depression started to go away.  I don't know if I'll see them at all.  All I know is they've pretty much ruined my life.